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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: twisted thinking  (Read 366 times)
bus boy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908

« on: July 17, 2016, 06:36:06 AM »

The difficulties in co parenting with someone who has a PD never seem to stop. You figure you have one thing solved, another unnecessary problem raises it's head. The ability to reason is non existent. Npd/ BPD ex wife doesn't stop, when we were together she drove me crazy about my family ( she drove me crazy about many things) non stop, what are you going to do about your family. Now she uses fear on s9 about my family, during the school year it was s9 is failing and steady lies and persistence that I cut back on access time. She will lie and manipulate  with no regard to the out come on s9 as long as she achieves her own personal goal. She would follow my sister, give her and her family the finger all the time, my brother in law told her one day to leave them alone. Her twisted way of thinking was since my brother in law told her to leave them alone was that they didn't want s9 around. How do you work with someone like that? Maybe that's part of a PD she sees s9 as an extension of her self. Now s9 has a phone, I can't ever get in touch with him. His phone is always turned off, my I messages never go through, I have to send them as texts. I checked his phone the other day and a bunch of my texts weren't on his screen. I talked to tec support and she said on the iPhone, if the message says delivered it was recieved, if not send it as a text, it always gets delivered. I had to make rules for s9 phone bc the texting was getting out of hand, she would revenge that by saying, you don't want me texting him. Reasonable, logical coparenting is impossible, there is no happy medium of compromise.
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365

« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2016, 06:38:22 PM »

I found that dwelling on my ex's behaviors and trying to make sense of them only made me perplexed and exhausted. Once I stopped doing that I focused on what was best for our boys. The behavior is still there but it is less because ex gets no reaction from me. If I continued reacting then it would not have reduced itself on its own.
I no longer explain myself. I simply state facts as to what I am going to do. I found that explaining myself led to chaos.
This took me time (several years) to develop.
The one thing that used to be said on this site and helped me the most is "negative engagement is still engagement". That statement has evolved in my understanding over the years.
My ex left in 2007 and she still tries to engage in a multitude of ways with me. I still get tripped up but I catch myself much sooner and stop. It doesn't happen anywhere near the number of times as before. It takes practice.

bus boy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908

« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2016, 04:08:34 AM »

Now that my ex has another man in her life I'm less than nothing. Before, she engaged me quiet often and since I didn't know how to use the tools I had I would always get caught in her web. Now she only engages to say something rude and ignorant. I never respond but now and than she catches me. She was always manuplating and deciding but since she started a new r/s, 1 year ago, she has been an absolute horrable, terrable person. Even her bf looks at me like trash. I saw a friend of mine and his ex at soccer last week, they were talking and getting along and he got another woman pregnant while he was still his now ex. So difficult to co parent with someone who has me split so black for no reason. The harder it push to keep a proper r/s with s9 the harder she tries to keep him away from me but yet she tens family court I'm not a father to s9. And now she gives full father freedoms to her bf. Very strange. The worse thing I done was be a good father.
Retired Staff
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 17808

You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...

« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2016, 01:53:42 PM »

That you're being ignored, cast aside and described as horrible is typical since most acting-out pwBPD will claim all past relationships were abusive.  They simply can't accept their part in the relationships demise, they have to blame, shift blame and distort the facts of reality.  It is what it is.  Accept what is and focus on what YOU can control, which is yourself and your parenting.

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