Are we changed forever?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've been thinking a lot lately about the damage done by the NPD/BPD person in our life but also the positive changes. The last couple of days the negative is creeping in. As an empathic person I have a difficult time understanding the coldness of the NPD/BPD. How they can with the flick of a switch make all your fears come true and do it with a smile on there face. My ex destroyed our family like it was nothing more than stepping on an ant. Turns around and gives my family to another man, a Frenchman, she hates Frenchman. We live in an English- French community. The French English thing has been here forever. It will be a couple More generations before it fully changes. She is living a totally different life, her BF had settled in very nicely with my son. That's ok but her hurt she caused, made me feel like trash. Knew how much I wanted a family and made no effort to make us a family. She treats me like a dead beat nothing dad and treats her BF like he is the father of my son.

[bus boy]

I've been thinking a lot lately about the damage done by the NPD/BPD person in our life but also the positive changes. The last couple of days the negative is creeping in. As an empathic person I have a difficult time understanding the coldness of the NPD/BPD. How they can with the flick of a switch make all your fears come true and do it with a smile on there face. My ex destroyed our family like it was nothing more than stepping on an ant. Turns around and gives my family to another man, a Frenchman, she hates Frenchman. We live in an English- French community. The French English thing has been here forever. It will be a couple More generations before it fully changes. She is living a totally different life, her BF had settled in very nicely with my son. That's ok but her hurt she caused, made me feel like trash. Knew how much I wanted a family and made no effort to make us a family. She treats me like a dead beat nothing dad and treats her BF like he is the father of my son.

[duncsvoice]

but also the positive changes.

So what positive changes do you think you have felt?

I was initially worried about the damage the relationship had done to me, but I think in the bedlam of it ended I have emerged a stronger person, absolutely. Never again will I pursue a relationship that is quite clearly chaotic from the outset because I'm too scared about being alone. Now, I'm comfortable being on my own. I'm no longer afraid to stand up for myself, nor allow myself to be treated like that ever again. I have learnt my worth - I'm a good, honest, loving guy and I deserveto be treated like that. As utterly cliche as it sounds, I do feel almost reborn.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I agree that we are changed forever -- some positive changes, some negative changes.

A lot of what duncsvoice said resonates with me as well.

On the negative side, I don't think I'm really capable of falling in love anymore in the "head over heels" enraptured sort of way.  I was in a 12-year relationship, then with my BPD partner, and then with a few other somewhat strange folks.  After getting out of that 12-year relationship, all I wanted was to fall crazy in love with someone who was crazy in love with me.  I got my wish and a little more than I bargained for.  I learned that that high of strong chemistry, where you can literally smell the other person, can be a lot of fun, but it can also mask a lot of problems.  So I've learned not to lose my head in the fun and risk of falling in love.  I focus now on the criteria I've set out for what I want in a partner -- stable, patient, committed, humble, positive, ambitious, kind.  I am far less likely to fall in love with someone who doesn't have those traits because I've blinded by chemistry.

I am also a lot more comfortable being on my own.  I was worried for a while that no one would ever fall in love with me again, after the breakup of my long relationship.  I've learned that this really is not the most important thing in life.  People can fall in love with you, but not all of them are good for you.  Sometimes being alone is better.  I am no longer willing to have someone in my life who completely takes control of my personal destiny or rips around my future because of their changing moods.  I am no longer willing to put up with volatility in particular.  If someone goes all hot and cold on me without some kind of very logical explanation, I'm over them really fast.  I don't sit around and long for the moment when they will fall in love with me again.

I probably have some PTSD symptoms from everything that has happened to me, and that I will have to work on, but in the meantime, it gives me really quick warnings when I am with someone who might hurt me again.

[JerryRG]

Great post bus boy

I am a much stronger person post breakup and though I would like to give some credit to my BPDexgf I will be selfish and chalk this all up to my learned survival skills from my foo and other life experiences.

My exgf did very little to help me and in many ways sought out ways of taking me down to her level of destruction. She couldn't compete so she knew if I were to stay with her I needed to be brought down, she refused to rise up or even give it a good try.

[bunny4523]

In response to: "I was initially worried about the damage the relationship had done to me, but I think in the bedlam of it ended I have emerged a stronger person, absolutely. Never again will I pursue a relationship that is quite clearly chaotic from the outset because I'm too scared about being alone. Now, I'm comfortable being on my own. I'm no longer afraid to stand up for myself, nor allow myself to be treated like that ever again. I have learnt my worth - I'm a good, honest, loving guy and I deserveto be treated like that. As utterly cliche as it sounds, I do feel almost reborn.




I would have to agree, I emerged a stronger person.  I also left a lot sooner than I had done in the past.  I have more value for myself and know that I deserve to be treated better.  

[badenergytroll]

I probably have some PTSD symptoms from everything that has happened to me, and that I will have to work on, but in the meantime, it gives me really quick warnings when I am with someone who might hurt me again.

Same here

On the plus sides, I learned to stay out of other people's business, stop being a knight/hero, learned the difference between helping and saving, identify disorders in two minutes flat, trained myself to become a human lie detector and a host of other things.

Was it worth the price, though... .?

[JerryRG]

One thing I remember is my BPDgf used to get upset when I called people mentally ill, there's a lady in my building who's mildly schizophrenic, how dare I judge others? I wasn't judging anyone I was simply stating what I know to be true. Maybe my exgf didn't want me to see her mental illness? Would help her situation to keep me in confusion.

[VitaminC]

Now that you mention it, mine was also very sensitive about diagnostic labels being applied . He could refer to himself as " troubled", "difficult" , " needed up", even "disturbed" on one occasion, but anything that smacked of a pre-established category being applied to anyone at all - even a character in a film, for example - did not sit well with him at all!

I also worry a little abt never having that intense chemistry with someone again. It's early days for me, so let's see, but I do tend towards intense feelings - I just like them - and have yet to see how a better sense of myself (already happening) will mesh with that intensity.   

[balletomane]

My answer to this question is yes... .and no.

At first I thought I was changed irrevocably, in ways I didn't want. I was terrified I was forgetting my old self and would never even remember what it felt like to be a trusting person again. Then a good friend said to me, "You will learn to trust again, but you'll never be naïve like you were." His words stay with me. Over time they've proven true.

The qualities that I valued that got crushed during the devastation, the likes and dislikes I had but had to suppress because he didn't approve of them, my confidence in expressing my own opinion - they're all resurfacing now. I can see that I'm still much the same person I ever was. I just have a thicker skin now, and a greater awareness of my own weaknesses - my tendency to want to 'save' people in distress, and my tendency to believe it and take it deeply to heart if someone makes a negative comment about me. I've realised that this rescuer mentality and people-pleasing trait are just warped understandings of kindness. I want to be kind. I can still be kind. That doesn't change. I just won't try to be Superwoman and I won't desperately try to please everyone, because these are different things. So although in some senses I have changed, in others I haven't - I've just come closer to what I wanted to be in the first place.

[VitaminC]

So although in some senses I have changed, in others I haven't - I've just come closer to what I wanted to be in the first place.

Go, you!

Very good distinctions you've made in your post. I'm bookmarking this.

[balletomane]

Now that you mention it, mine was also very sensitive about diagnostic labels being applied . He could refer to himself as " troubled", "difficult" , " needed up", even "disturbed" on one occasion, but anything that smacked of a pre-established category being applied to anyone at all - even a character in a film, for example - did not sit well with him at all!

In fairness, this is reasonable. I work in a mental health hospital and often we prefer not to use diagnostic labels where possible, partly because people can find it stigmatizing (a survey in the UK found that over 90% of employers wouldn't consider an applicant if they knew they had schizophrenia - would you be wildly keen to have a label if that was the sort of treatment it was going to get you?) and partly because it isn't always helpful to people. Instead we use a formulation-based approach, which means we look at their specific patterns of difficulty without categorizing them, and how their difficulties play out and what the best way to break bad cycles might be. This is actually a very common approach in clinical psychology. It's not that we don't use diagnostic terms, we just don't see them as the be-all and end-all, the way they're often treated here. Labelling people too much can have the effect of pushing them into despair ("Well, I can't help it, I have XYZ condition and this is what people with XYZ like" or making it feel like their own experience of what it's like to live with XYZ is being ignored in favour of tick boxes. If I had a patient who resisted pre-assigned categories, I would wonder what their experiences of being judged and categorized had been, and this would perhaps be a more helpful basis for a therapy session than going, "You meet criteria for this condition and you just need to accept it." I know that members here find the tick boxes comforting for our own reasons, but I think we should remember that it's not necessarily a sign that a person with BPD is trying to be deceitful or manipulative if they don't embrace all that terminology for themselves.

[Wize]

Hey bus boy.  I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.  Not exactly the life you envisioned for yourself.  But you know what?  We're only human, we make mistakes, we live, we learn and we keep on truckin.

Do these relationships change us?  Abso freaking lutely.  They show us who we are, they reveal our greatest fears, our biggest weaknesses and eventually, our greatest strengths.  

Your situation blows right now.  Some toolbag playing daddy with your son, your ex turns out to be queen biatch of the century.  Well, you have two choices; accept the situation for what it is and make the best of it, adapt, grow and change or resist the situation and continue to feel beaten down and defeated.  

Be the victor, adapt to your situation.  When our soldiers come back from war with their legs blown off, they don't lay on the ground and drag themselves around.  They adapt, they find equipment that helps them move forward and keep living.  They can ski and bike and have relationships and live a full life.  You've been figuratively blown apart.  All of us on this forum have been blown apart.  Now we find the tools and we adapt and move forward.  We are changed, forever. I'm less codependent now and to me, that's a kind of freedom I've never experienced.  

[Larmoyant]

Right now I do feel changed forever. I am no longer the person I was 2.5 years ago. I’m astonished at how much damage can be done in such a short time. I’ve retreated into isolation, licking my wounds and in truth feel terrified to get back out there. I’m not talking about dating, but living my life. However, I’m not giving up and when I emerge from this dark, miserable hole, when I get the courage to take the next step needed it will be an achievement, a triumph if you like. I will be stronger having escaped the clutches of a devil whether or not he did all of this intentionally.

[Reforming]

Good thread

When a relationship ends we naturally focus on what we feel we've lost.

Our belief that we'd found our perfect mate, the perfect future we imagined. And the idealised image of us that our partner created.

When all the fantasy and magical thinking swirling around gets blown away life can feel pretty dark.

We grieve and we need to - there's no short cut to get to the other side

But there's also a real opportunity for growth and positive change. And as JFK said, "Change is the law of life"

A relationships is a mirror - it gives us the chance to see ourselves through the eyes of another. It can be exhilarating and and it can be uncomfortable but it's great opportunity to learn about ourselves

When there's a disorder involved that mirror is warped - the good and bad that our partner reflects back to us are distorted.

Unpicking what's real takes work. Therapy and honest reflection can be a huge help.

Now when I look back at myself and my relationship I see a lot naiveté and immaturity. For me - healing from what happened has meant growing up.

I needed to change.

I'm happy to let go of the old me. At times it's uncomfortable and painful but it's also exciting and rewarding.

As Muhammad Ali said “If a man looks at the world when he is 50 the same way he looked at it when he was 20 and it hasn’t changed, then be has wasted 30 years of his life,” .

Reforming