Advice please

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Dear BPD Family,

Please can I tap into your collective expertise? Handed kids over to child minder recently, in our usual week on week off Rota.  Job done.   School contacted me to say daughter had to be collected from school for health reasons.  Emailed school to let them know I had left message with ex to collect as it was her week.  Job done.  At end of school day got a text from ex... .she had just returned to the country! She said the school knew she was away, that they had returned daughter to class and that our child minder was collecting her at the usual time.

Reported school to child services... .they aren't interested!

Re ex.  She may have committed a criminal act in UK law.  Do I report this to the Police... .bearing in mind the inevitable backslash... .?

Thanks for any suggestions.

[SES]

Dear BPD Family,

Please can I tap into your collective expertise? Handed kids over to child minder recently, in our usual week on week off Rota.  Job done.   School contacted me to say daughter had to be collected from school for health reasons.  Emailed school to let them know I had left message with ex to collect as it was her week.  Job done.  At end of school day got a text from ex... .she had just returned to the country! She said the school knew she was away, that they had returned daughter to class and that our child minder was collecting her at the usual time.

Reported school to child services... .they aren't interested!

Re ex.  She may have committed a criminal act in UK law.  Do I report this to the Police... .bearing in mind the inevitable backslash... .?

Thanks for any suggestions.

[ForeverDad]

What is the problem, that you didn't know she was out of country and unavailable when your child's health issue arose at school?

While her absence without notice may against the order or perhaps even technically illegal, it should be documented but I don't know if anything will be done about it.  Courts let a lot of stuff slide by during the separation and divorce process.  Violating an order often gets better response post-decree since the court expects most conflict to have subsided by then.

Courts will not force a parent to take the child if it is that parent's time.  If she was unavailable (out of country) then parenting ought to have reverted to you unless the order says the child minder has authority on mother's time when she's not available.  You are right to document and complain that she didn't inform you of her absence - and hence not available to handle urgent child-related issues - but it may not get much attention unless it happens multiple times.

[Thunderstruck]

What is the law that might have been broken? (I'm not familiar, I'm in the US).

How old is D?

My parents have taken a trip out of country for a week and left me and my sisters with a babysitter before. That is not necessarily an issue. I personally think it is wrong to leave children with a stranger/friend/relative when a parent is available to watch them instead (see ForeverDad's response above). Unfortunately, it happens all the time and is hard to fight (our judge said to us "BPDmom can do what she wants on her time, you can do what you want on your time".

[SES]

Thanks! I think I have come to the same conclusion.  I think I have been drawn into the drama... .hard not to when it impacts on my kids. It's documented... .my lawyer was worried I'd look like I had neglected the kids if I did nothing.    

She still hasn't signed the parenting agreement.  Still no divorce.  Although problems have subsided dramatically.  

Life has become easier... .although doesn't take much to trigger all the feeling associated with her behaviour over the last two years.  Recovery is a lengthy process.

Thunderstruck- thank you... .she was out of the country when she was responsible for our kids, and as such she didn't collect my daughter from school when she was ill. She hadn't made alternative arrangements but returned to the country for the end of the school day.  It comes under child neglect law in UK.  Having said that... .it probably isn't worth it.  I have reported my concerns and documented.  Just need to wait for the next drama.

Great to know BPD Family is there to help me consider the options.  Thank you.

[SES]

Daughter is 6

[Thunderstruck]

Yes, it's very hard to walk the thin line between protecting the kids and escalating drama.

The law is probably one of those gray areas that depends on how severe the illness is and the age of the child and whether the parent had made appropriate plans. Since the school had D go back to class (although I'm sure they'd rather she had just gone home), it doesn't sound like too much of an emergency. You could raise the issue to the police but it could just look like you're starting conflict.

Document and see if it's something you will want to address (if it continues to happen) at a court hearing.