Totally Panicing

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So my exBPDgf did something that has made me totally uncomfortable, despite not having talked to her in over a month.  Her last cycle through left me feeling very uneasy, I'll elaborate.  She began speaking to me after several days of no contact.  She only began communicating once I asked if I could see her to end things and get some closure.  After a couple of days of texting she asked to see me on a Friday.  I had plans to see a band later with a friend, but I agreed to meet her for dinner.  At dinner she told me she loved me and wanted to get back together, by the next week I gave in and agreed to be exclusive, only to have her break up with me the following Tuesday because I was not happy that she had gone and gotten drunk with an old high school friend, a guy, while out of town visiting her dad on Father's Day.  So we were basically back together for a week, I made a commitment, and by day three of the commitment she was done again.  This was a first, I usually broke up with her for distancing herself from me. 

My friend and I texted on the initial dinner date with my exBPDgf and I asked him if it was ok for her to join us, he said, "of course."  While hanging out with us they began talking, a lot.  She wanted to send him a link to a funny video so she got his phone number to text him.  I assumed it was innocent.  Well now that she and I aren't speaking I'm paranoid that they are hooking up.  I've asked him directly and he says she has never contacted him.  Some of the ways he talks about her to me makes me uneasy.  "I never should have shown her picture of my cars." "She is a real sweetheart (said sarcastically)"... .  What do I do to get past this?  I've known this guy for 22 years!  I can't imagine he'd do that, but she may be capable of hurting me in this way.  Idk, am I being psycho?

[SheAskedForaBreak]

So my exBPDgf did something that has made me totally uncomfortable, despite not having talked to her in over a month.  Her last cycle through left me feeling very uneasy, I'll elaborate.  She began speaking to me after several days of no contact.  She only began communicating once I asked if I could see her to end things and get some closure.  After a couple of days of texting she asked to see me on a Friday.  I had plans to see a band later with a friend, but I agreed to meet her for dinner.  At dinner she told me she loved me and wanted to get back together, by the next week I gave in and agreed to be exclusive, only to have her break up with me the following Tuesday because I was not happy that she had gone and gotten drunk with an old high school friend, a guy, while out of town visiting her dad on Father's Day.  So we were basically back together for a week, I made a commitment, and by day three of the commitment she was done again.  This was a first, I usually broke up with her for distancing herself from me. 

My friend and I texted on the initial dinner date with my exBPDgf and I asked him if it was ok for her to join us, he said, "of course."  While hanging out with us they began talking, a lot.  She wanted to send him a link to a funny video so she got his phone number to text him.  I assumed it was innocent.  Well now that she and I aren't speaking I'm paranoid that they are hooking up.  I've asked him directly and he says she has never contacted him.  Some of the ways he talks about her to me makes me uneasy.  "I never should have shown her picture of my cars." "She is a real sweetheart (said sarcastically)"... .  What do I do to get past this?  I've known this guy for 22 years!  I can't imagine he'd do that, but she may be capable of hurting me in this way.  Idk, am I being psycho?

[Stripey77]

No, but I think the answer lies in your own post. Why on earth would a long term/life long friend, do that to you? Would he? It's not what SHE might attempt (sounds like she hasn't anyway) it's about what his reaction would be to it.

I can tell you right now I wouldn't expect any of my best girlfriends to even blink at a significant ex of mine, especially after a relationship of this magnitude.

If they did, they would no longer be my friend, I can assure you. I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

[rfriesen]

While hanging out with us they began talking, a lot.  She wanted to send him a link to a funny video so she got his phone number to text him.  I assumed it was innocent. 

I know nothing of your situation, so take whatever I say with a grain of salt. But based just on the description I've quoted above - and judging things without any other context - that doesn't sound innocent to me. Unless there's a good story behind the "link to a funny video", it sounds like a kind of lame pretext to get his number. Why couldn't she just tell him where to find the video online, you know?

I can understand the anger, the suspicion, the hurt. And I know it's very hard to think clearly when you're caught up in it. I think it's really helpful, though, to make an effort to focus on what matters to you in this situation. First, is your friend someone you really trust? You've known him for 22 years -- if he's a close friend, I think you should be able to open up to him about how deeply this relationship has affected you and how important it is to you that he be honest with you about what's happening. Second, if you feel that your ex is capable of hurting you in this way, and your relationship is otherwise dysfunctional, it's an opportunity to think about why you're so drawn and bonded to her. What would it take for you to begin detaching?

I agree with stripey -- if a close friend could betray you in this way (hooking up with your ex, lying to you about it), then maybe he shouldn't be a friend. That said, unlike stripey, I can't say I wouldn't lose any sleep over it in your shoes. Feeling betrayed by an ex that I still have strong feelings for AND a long-time friend ... .I would find that a very bitter pill to swallow. The only thing I can recommend - since betrayal or not isn't under your control - is to take some time to observe your feelings and start exploring, as best you can, why your attachment to your ex hurts so much, what was driving the push/pull of your relationship.

[Stripey77]

Hi both;

I think you've very slightly misunderstood my meaning. I would absolutely lose sleep over lots of things about my ex, and have constant anxious feelings.  God knows he's given me enough reason and I am also still very attached.

My point was, that the strength and length of your friendship is what should put your mind at rest here. I appreciate that the mere thought of your ex trying anything on with anyone in front of you is extremely distressing, and I would feel the same.  But to try to mitigate some of that panic, do remember that you are talking about a long term friendship here. i.e. it is highly unlikely to come to anything, even if she did try it (which as I said, she clearly hasn't as yet).

I wasn't saying I would end a friendship on this basis as a knee jerk response, I am saying that I am so confident that none of my friends would do that to me, that I wouldn't get too wound up about it. It's not going to happen. On the slim off chance that something did... .not a nice thought of course, but your (ex) friend would therefore have shown their true colours, and you can get rid of a snake out of your life whilst you're at it.

You can't do anything about the potential for her to contact him or even flirt or proposition. But you can try to rationalise it and remember that we're talking about someone with an emotional disorder, so there are extenuating circumstances... .but that far more importantly, your friend is highly unlikely to allow himself to be drawn into it.

Therefore, try not to lose sleep over something that has not, and probably will not, happen.

[rfriesen]

Hi Stripey,

yes, I absolutely misread the connection between the last two sentences in your first post! And you understood and clarified my misunderstanding perfectly

To SheAskedForaBreak, I would reiterate that, one thing that struck me in your post, is how you find your friend to be dropping strange comments and acting a little weird. Now in the kinds of break-ups many of us have had here, it seems our judgment can be a little off or we're having trouble seeing things clearly. So, with that in mind, I agree with Stripey that you should trust a good friend of 22 years not to hurt you by hooking up with your girlfriend/ex right in front of you and lying about it. But by the same token, you should trust a good friend of 22 years to be open and non-judgmental if you bring up the fact that you find some of his comments strange or a little off-putting. Good friends are precisely the people we should feel capable of confiding in as we go through difficult times.

I'm certainly not suggesting you walk up to your friend and accuse him of anything. But maybe you can find a way you're comfortable with to let him know some of his comments strike you as strange or unhelpful?

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Thank you both, this has been a great source of shame for me.  First she accused me of not trusting her, so it furthers my reluctance to talk to my good friend about the matter.  I was at the gym with him last night and I could see he wouldn't do what I fear, but I still need to talk with him about it.  This morning I had thoughts that she is never going to return and I'm unlikely to ever hear from her again, even though she is only 30 min away from my front door.  I am certain I loved her because she showered me with physical attention and words of affirmation while I was with her.  Anything I did got her so excited and was so appreciated I was flooded with compliments.  She also made plans to spend quality time with me so all of my love language cups were overflowing.  Then she'd shut down, become very unresponsive and would eventually expect me to take the hint that she needed space.  I'm seeing a therapist and I want to so badly understand why I am drawn to her, even to the point of ending new, exciting, and promising relationships when she has returned. 

I am going to speak with my friend tonight, I have to clear the air about this.  If he loves me, and I'm sure he does, he won't be angry with me.