caught in the cycle

[blondie34]

I will definitely read more of the materials avaiable here, but for the moment, I just need a safe place let everything out.

I was with my BPD partner for nearly 3 years, we were for the most part more off then we were ever on so to speak. I cant say exactly when our relationship ended as i feel it was long over before we officially called it quits. She left 2 months ago and left me with a heap of financial difficulties among personal difficulties. 

There was physical abuse as well as mental and emotional. I can truly say i never thought myself to be a person that would stay in that kind of relationship, yet i did. I know there is a lot of damage that i need to heal from and although i know that it wont happen overnight, i wish it worked that way. 

I dont know how to let go and start the healing process. I know zero contact should be the first step, but i am having such difficulties.  I am allowing myself to be put in a position of continous hurt by being there for her. She has moved on. New partner, they are living together and yet i am barely able to speak to another person. 

The only way i know is to bury all my hurt and sadness under anger ... .to flip a switch and feel nothing, but that does not serve anybody.  I feel so aware but so out of control. I do not want to minimize what she went through by being with me, i was far from perfect, yet how can someone move on so easily and quickly if they are apparently just as heart broken? Idk for the first time ever, i dont want to cope by turning it off... .i just dont know where to start. So much damage. ...

[married21years]

 

hi reach out and get help and support

there is lots if you look

good luck 

[bus boy]

Your pain brings tears to my eyes. It is so very real, I can feel it in your words. No contact is the first painful step, that actually started the ball rolling for healthy recovery, letting go, emotional detachment. I can't explain it. Oh ya, a good T to help untangle the mess upstairs. It took me a long agonizing time to get NC through my thick scull. The proof is in the pudding on these boards, people who went through the mountain of pain and slowly came out the other side a changed, better person. I was an empty, crushed shell of a man, hated to be in my own skin. I looked at my phone a thousand times but did not contact, as I detached, her remarks got more ignorant, I did not respond, I journaled, we share a child so we must have some contact. When I must talk to her I'm on the ready to hang up. When she gets off topic, I steer it back, when it gets off topic again, I hang up. Your pain will go away, it depends on the work you put in. This is one mountain we can't go around. Time and personal inventory. This is so much like quiting drinking, what quality of recovery do you want? Kick the bottle ahead of your self, kind of painful uncontented recovery or contented inner peace. It all depends on us, the individual. You can either just be sober, so to speak or have true sobriety. Your happiness, peacefulness, quality of life in the recovery from your pain can be endless. You are the captain of your ship, don't run it aground, take it into a good safe port. God bless you.

[bunny4523]

Hi Blondie,

Welcome and yes reading and watching the videos will help you understand what you went through.  Talking on these boards will help you realize your not alone, there is help and you will get through it.

Understanding your ex will help you to realize that she is pre-programmed a certain way.  Although there are things that you may have done to trigger her insecurities, there is not much that can be done to stop her process from happening.  By reading these posts you will see that many of us ended up in the exact same place of being devalued and dismissed because that's what they do when they get to close to someone.

There is alot of confusion at first and alot of raw emotions.  The easiest way to clear through these things is to take a break/no contact or even very limited contact from your ex.  If you don't do that what tends to happen is you start working through the confusion and emotions and initiate a conversation with your ex in an attempt to "clear the air", "get closure", "end it on amicable terms" and because of her incapabity to communicate on the same level, you end up feeling even more confused, lost and desperate. 

My suggestion to you is work through  the confusion and emotions here, amongst people who understand and can relate to you. 

Once you are able to see your part in the BPD dynamic, you will be able to free yourself from the guilt and the what if's because you will see that these things just happen in the mind of a BPD no matter what you do. 

Then you can start focusing on why you got into a relationship like that, why you stayed and how not to do it again.

The feelings you have for your ex and preceived "connection" that keeps you tied to them is different for one person to the other so you will need explore that as well.

Take it slow and post often... .it really helped me.

You don't need to tell her that you are going no contact, just give yourself some distance.  Be too busy to respond or give only short responses.  Enough space that you can start to reflect on what you have been through.  Was your ex diagnosed BPD or do you just suspect BPD?  There are alot of different opinions about how they can move on so quickly.  Many on here believe they do "love" us but their "love" isn't the same as ours so the words don't mean the same to them as they do to us.  They lack the commitment that usually backs up love.  They aren't capable of connecting as deeply as we do and to me that is the piece that is so not fair because we are doomed from the beginning.  They say how connected they are so we feel connected and roots start growing for us.  I don't believe it is the same for them.

Definately read up on how the relationships starts because there is just something about it being right there in black and white that helps.

Bunny

[Lucky Jim]

Hey blondie, It's easy to lose oneself in the throes of a BPD r/s, with all the drama and turbulence.  In the process of caring for another, often we forget to care for ourselves.  Perhaps this happened to you?  A good place to start is by returning the focus to yourself and your own self-care.  Be good to yourself.  Treat yourself with kindness and respect.  Strive to love and accept yourself.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim