Opinions - story continued in comments

[Depression = 72% of members]

I would love for someone to read my story and pick it apart with your thoughts. What signs you see as npd or BPD etc

It was less than a month in when I started to realize I boarded a crazy roller coaster. I was unsure, nervous and anxious as I let myself coast down it and start to fall. I was in a dark place in my life and i wanted some excitement, something new and I got it! I was vulnerable and freaked out by what I was feeling, I wasn't sure it would amount to anything and in the end my instincts were right. You know those thoughts in your mind that tell you to run, to avoid avoid avoid... .those ones that tell you that your heart is wrong and you need to escape before you bury yourself in a mountain of emotions and pain. Heart break. Your left alone to pick up all those pieces that were shattered,and there isn't a single soul around to fully understand your pain.
The beginning was like a whirlwind of amazing! He was in constant touch, he text daily day and night and he always wanted to spend time with me. He told me about how he pictured us together at Christmas time, snuggled up on the couch while our kids played on the floor together.  Blending our families. He complimented me like no other. Always calling me sweetie or sexy. He told me all the things he liked about me, he was animated in telling me how much he loved our sex life. He told me he wanted me to be the last person he slept with.  Then a few weeks later, he faded.  The texts slowed, he let at least a week go by before writing me again.  He would only see me every second weekend because he didn't have his kid at that time, so he always managed to get in touch right before than to make plans with me, and I always did. This cycle continued on for months, the silent treatment in between was steady and still done in a timely fashion. Sometimes even more often, when I would ask him where this relationship was going, he would either not answer me or if I got an answer it wasn't the same as it was before, there was no painting me pictures of our future together, it was all "let's take things slow". Even though he said he wanted slow, he never made me feel like we were going slow.   He always had a dating profile, but claimed he only used it when he was bored at work and never met anyone off of it. At first, when I found it myself and asked about it, he denied it. But I sent him a screen cap of it and he got mad! He lashed out at me via text and then a new round of ST started. That lasted a few days, before I initiated contact again. He came around but not before making me feel like I'm crazy for searching for him, and he made sure to make me believe  it was my fault. At this point in time I started to feel very insecure. I hadn't imagined him to be this way. He is an introvert, he's quiet and keeps to himself, he has no friends  (I always found this weird) and when he did speak of friends they were people he use to hang out with in school which was many years ago. He was bullied in school, as he was known as a big geek. He is smart and intellectual. I was always attracted to his quiet nature and mystery. I went into shock thinking that the picture I had painted of this guy was nothing like he really is.
Because he's been divorced for 2 years, I assumed he was wanting casual because he wasn't ready.  But in reality he just didn't want anyone at all, he wanted a various amount of FWB type situations instead.  (I knew early on that his girl before me was a fwb) maybe he told me this upfront so I would begin to trust him. He had told me that they made a deal that they'd break it off if they met someone they wanted to pursue. And I was concerned that this girl probably had feelings for him, and he said who cares she'll get over it. That should've been one of my first red flags! I'm sure this other girl thought she was in a relationship that was moving slow, like I did, and his time spent with me was probably her discard.  After a few months of this BS I found out I was pregnant.  He was complete stone emotionally reacting to my news.  Although he said he always wanted a son and was happy. I was baffled! How can someone who claims he doesn't Want a relationship with me, but want a kid with me? When I lost this pregnancy he showed no emotion either.  He didn't console me in any way and when I begged him to talk to me about it he gave me a big NO! And that was that.  I was left to deal with that loss alone, and he carried on like nothing had changed. 
This guy was also someone i had to see a few times a week for reasons out of my control.  And sometimes he would act like I wasn't even there, that I didn't exist.  He would always park right beside me, no matter if we were on talking terms or not. I feel like he loved to see me squirm with discomfort. I never knew what I would get, if he'd speak to me that day or ignore me. I was always walking on egg shells and always full of anxiety because of it.
Over time, I got really depressed. I didn't feel like I was living up properly to my mother duties at home. My brain was always elsewhere, this situation was constantly on my mind day and night. I would wake with anxiety every morning and this vicious cycle repeated. I was discarded somewhere in between which left my even more destroyed. I cried a lot, I considered seeking therapy because I thought I was the crazy one.  I had 0 appetite and I lost a lot of weight over only a few months which concerned people close to me,  and they started asking questions. I started to question what he told me about his past marriage, and how it didn't add up. They aren't on speaking terms, he has full custody of this child, and his wife got extremely sick, he said she had a stroke. I can't help but think it was because of him and his abuse. I have met her as she has also been where I have had to see him during the week, when it was her time with her kid, she'd pick her kid up with her mom. She looks nothing like pictures I've seen, she's much bigger now and looks destroyed. Both families hate each other... .I just can't help but think more went on in this situation.  I have even had urges to talk to her but I never had the guts.
Through all these months I have religiously read up on many things. I have searched all things I went through and everything that kept coming up was BPD and NPD. Sometimes I feel like I've read so much that I just started to believe over time that he was one of these, if not both.

[Puzzledpieces]

I would love for someone to read my story and pick it apart with your thoughts. What signs you see as npd or BPD etc

It was less than a month in when I started to realize I boarded a crazy roller coaster. I was unsure, nervous and anxious as I let myself coast down it and start to fall. I was in a dark place in my life and i wanted some excitement, something new and I got it! I was vulnerable and freaked out by what I was feeling, I wasn't sure it would amount to anything and in the end my instincts were right. You know those thoughts in your mind that tell you to run, to avoid avoid avoid... .those ones that tell you that your heart is wrong and you need to escape before you bury yourself in a mountain of emotions and pain. Heart break. Your left alone to pick up all those pieces that were shattered,and there isn't a single soul around to fully understand your pain.
The beginning was like a whirlwind of amazing! He was in constant touch, he text daily day and night and he always wanted to spend time with me. He told me about how he pictured us together at Christmas time, snuggled up on the couch while our kids played on the floor together.  Blending our families. He complimented me like no other. Always calling me sweetie or sexy. He told me all the things he liked about me, he was animated in telling me how much he loved our sex life. He told me he wanted me to be the last person he slept with.  Then a few weeks later, he faded.  The texts slowed, he let at least a week go by before writing me again.  He would only see me every second weekend because he didn't have his kid at that time, so he always managed to get in touch right before than to make plans with me, and I always did. This cycle continued on for months, the silent treatment in between was steady and still done in a timely fashion. Sometimes even more often, when I would ask him where this relationship was going, he would either not answer me or if I got an answer it wasn't the same as it was before, there was no painting me pictures of our future together, it was all "let's take things slow". Even though he said he wanted slow, he never made me feel like we were going slow.   He always had a dating profile, but claimed he only used it when he was bored at work and never met anyone off of it. At first, when I found it myself and asked about it, he denied it. But I sent him a screen cap of it and he got mad! He lashed out at me via text and then a new round of ST started. That lasted a few days, before I initiated contact again. He came around but not before making me feel like I'm crazy for searching for him, and he made sure to make me believe  it was my fault. At this point in time I started to feel very insecure. I hadn't imagined him to be this way. He is an introvert, he's quiet and keeps to himself, he has no friends  (I always found this weird) and when he did speak of friends they were people he use to hang out with in school which was many years ago. He was bullied in school, as he was known as a big geek. He is smart and intellectual. I was always attracted to his quiet nature and mystery. I went into shock thinking that the picture I had painted of this guy was nothing like he really is.
Because he's been divorced for 2 years, I assumed he was wanting casual because he wasn't ready.  But in reality he just didn't want anyone at all, he wanted a various amount of FWB type situations instead.  (I knew early on that his girl before me was a fwb) maybe he told me this upfront so I would begin to trust him. He had told me that they made a deal that they'd break it off if they met someone they wanted to pursue. And I was concerned that this girl probably had feelings for him, and he said who cares she'll get over it. That should've been one of my first red flags! I'm sure this other girl thought she was in a relationship that was moving slow, like I did, and his time spent with me was probably her discard.  After a few months of this BS I found out I was pregnant.  He was complete stone emotionally reacting to my news.  Although he said he always wanted a son and was happy. I was baffled! How can someone who claims he doesn't Want a relationship with me, but want a kid with me? When I lost this pregnancy he showed no emotion either.  He didn't console me in any way and when I begged him to talk to me about it he gave me a big NO! And that was that.  I was left to deal with that loss alone, and he carried on like nothing had changed. 
This guy was also someone i had to see a few times a week for reasons out of my control.  And sometimes he would act like I wasn't even there, that I didn't exist.  He would always park right beside me, no matter if we were on talking terms or not. I feel like he loved to see me squirm with discomfort. I never knew what I would get, if he'd speak to me that day or ignore me. I was always walking on egg shells and always full of anxiety because of it.
Over time, I got really depressed. I didn't feel like I was living up properly to my mother duties at home. My brain was always elsewhere, this situation was constantly on my mind day and night. I would wake with anxiety every morning and this vicious cycle repeated. I was discarded somewhere in between which left my even more destroyed. I cried a lot, I considered seeking therapy because I thought I was the crazy one.  I had 0 appetite and I lost a lot of weight over only a few months which concerned people close to me,  and they started asking questions. I started to question what he told me about his past marriage, and how it didn't add up. They aren't on speaking terms, he has full custody of this child, and his wife got extremely sick, he said she had a stroke. I can't help but think it was because of him and his abuse. I have met her as she has also been where I have had to see him during the week, when it was her time with her kid, she'd pick her kid up with her mom. She looks nothing like pictures I've seen, she's much bigger now and looks destroyed. Both families hate each other... .I just can't help but think more went on in this situation.  I have even had urges to talk to her but I never had the guts.
Through all these months I have religiously read up on many things. I have searched all things I went through and everything that kept coming up was BPD and NPD. Sometimes I feel like I've read so much that I just started to believe over time that he was one of these, if not both.

[Puzzledpieces]

 They're is so much more to this story, and in my heart I do believe that a lot of what I've been thru isn't normal, hence why I have Googled so much.

Looking back, there was so much push/pull on his behalf, gas lighting to make me feel like I imagined things. He told me he was stubborn and had a temper when he wanted to, and I never saw the temper in the covert ways he would act.
 I also have a temper when provoked so I never thought much of it. I let the datibg profile slide because it was quite early in our RS and i didnt want to come off too serious about him when he wasnt in the same place yet.
He would act jealous of my male friends and tell me that they only want to get with me. Sex, while i enjoyed it, it still felt emotionless and like he wasn't there with me in the moment.  I always felt empty afterwards as well. I know that everything I felt was for a reason, and I never understood why I didn't walk away when I was actually more unhappy than I let myself believe.
Today I am feeling healthier a little bit mentally. It's a slow process. I am NC and it's been almost 6 weeks.  I am however addicted now to my weight loss which is not good but I feel like I am slowly on the mend from this emotional roller coaster, things can only get better from here. 

[married21years]

hang in there you are doing well