Where I am 14 months going NC with Mum

[happykiwi]

This forum was my world when my Mother left after a visit in April 2015.  My husband had to take her to the airport as I physically and mentally could not be in her presence anymore.
I remember going onto google and typing "why do I hate my Mum?".  And the rest is history.  I found this site and read with horror and fascination all the stories that were similar to my story.  The main thing was I wasn't horrible, I wasn't bonkers and I wasn't alone.
The thing with this BPD business is it is insidious.  When you try to explain it to someone who has never experienced this drama in their lives they just don't get it.  My husband knew where I was coming from.  He had watched on for 16 years, watched on, waiting for me to finally understand just how horrible and toxic my Mother was.  But I was so enmeshed in the FOG and being "a good person" that I was blind.  But after a year apart from her and then her visiting for two weeks, well, lets just say my eyes were open and the rose coloured glasses had fallen off and were smashed to pieces.
The day I found this website and understood that I could let go of her from my life and really start living was a revelation.  The day I blocked her number on my iPhone was as fabulous as it was terrifying.  But knowing I will never hear it ring and see the dreaded name Mum again has been such a blessing and made me realise how my poor mind and body would go into flight or fright mode every time she phoned.
The day I opened the post and saw a large present for my son for his birthday, I felt ill, but sending it back to sender was exhilarating.  She has only once tried to contact us again through the post at christmas but I sent that back too. 
I have no idea what is going on and what she may be saying and I don't care.  I have truly moved on.  I'm writing this to help anyone who is wondering to go NC how the experience has been for me.  It is a personal decision that for me worked out beautifully.
I'm blessed that the important people in my life understand and don't judge e.g. husband, kids, Dad and friends.  But I'm also blessed that the Universe put us five hours by plane away from her and that gives me a lot of breathing space.
Thank you for reading xxx

[Kwamina]

Welcome back happykiwi and thanks for this update

I am glad you are feeling better and that you have people in your life that understand and support you.

Going NC is indeed a very personal decision. No matter whether you go NC or not, no matter whether you stay NC or not, I think the most important thing is that we learn to protect ourselves by setting and enforcing/boundaries and work on healing ourselves.

When you were last here you also talked about your dad and brother and how your mother influenced the relationship you had with them. You have since reconnected with your dad and also mention him in this post as part of your support network How is your relationship with your brother?

The Board Parrot

[Panda39]

Hi happykiwi,

I remember you  .

NC is a tough decision and you're right a personal one.  I'm glad to hear you are surrounding yourself with people that support you, what a blessing your husband, son, dad and friends are. It sounds like NC is allowing you to be you, to feel safe and low drama all good things.

Thank you for sharing an update.

Panda39

[HappyChappy]

I'm writing this to help anyone who is wondering to go NC how the experience has been for me.  It is a personal decision that for me worked out beautifully.

Thanks for the update Happykiwi, NC has also helped me but I'm about to re-connect. So would love to know how you're getting along with your father and brother, it you don't mind sharing more. Thanks.

[Notwendy]

Thanks for posting your experience and success. To go NC or not is a very personal decision. I think the important part of this is deciding what is best for us, at the time, and also over time.

In college, a counselor suggested I go NC with mom- at least briefly. I didn't even consider that this was a choice and was shocked at the idea. There wasn't much discussion of BPD or how to handle it- I didn't find out about that until later. I think one reason was that it was hard to concentrate on my studies with mom calling me and me being upset. Also I was enmeshed, more than I realized.

It was an interesting situation as I was a student and didn't have a permanent place. I was not receiving much money from them, so that wasn't an issue. Yet, it didn't address the family patterns. I was also very emotionally attached to my father and didn't want to go NC with him.

My impression of my father was that he was intelligent and I knew he cared about me. Mom's behavior was a constant source of drama and unhappiness. He knew it and I knew it. I expected him to understand and be supportive of my attempts to break away from this.

What I didn't see was his enmeshment. When it came to her needs and wants, they were one person. It wasn't possible to be NC with her and not with him. I arranged a visit with him and he drove me straight to the house to see her. Given the choices at hand, NC was over.

After he passed away, I had the option of walking away from her. But I didn't feel it was the right thing to do. For one, I have older kids now, and I didn't know if it was the best example to them to walk away from an aging parent. Mainly, I didn't think it was the right thing to do for me at the time.

NC or  any contact, it is still a challenge. But one we can learn to deal with better.

[happykiwi]

Thanks for the replies x

My Dad who I realise now was an enabler albeit a very naive one understands where I am coming from.  I believe he is grateful I am no longer under her spell and I believe I have given him insight into my childhood which he now understands and feels sadness that I was exposed too.  I hold no anger to him, both him and Mother were broken.  But I can discuss my experience about my mother and we have an understanding that we both loved a very broken human being.
My brother is lost to me.  He has been since my Mother did an amazing job of triangulating us since about age 10.  He is on a lonely journey of being a victim and its his journey and I can't fix it.  I have a horrible feeling that since I am no longer the golden child and no longer in the picture he may finally become her golden child and that thought terrifies me.  Because he will finally gain back the love of his Mother, but it is so flawed.  I wish him the best but it is his journey.
The confusing thing to me is I always disliked him, but now I wonder if it was me?  Or what Mother planted in my head? arggghhh this business drives me bonkers!
All I know is that since blocking Mum's toxic presence I have had amazing people and experiences come into my life.  It's like by removing something so ugly to my soul, it let beauty flood in.
No regrets, loving life xxx

[Notwendy]

You are so fortunate that your father has supported your freedom!

I was the family scapegoat, and a sibling is the golden child. I agree that it is sad to see how enmeshed this one is. Fortunately we get along still.

What is lost to me is the relatives and family friends of my mother. At first I was shocked and grieved at the lost, but then, I questioned whether I really had a relationship with them in the first place. It astounds me that grown, educated, intelligent adults, when hearing her stories about me, would believe her without considering to ask me for my side of things. Whenever I hear about conflicts, I try to assess both sides of the situation. But that's just me, and they make their own choices.

Glad you have peace and freedom. Having your fathers support in this is a great validation!