Red Ledger

[lpheal]

I'm starting a new subject line, mainly just to express a few of my thoughts.

I've started having the visual of a ledger when I think about my relationship with my wife. A normal ledger would have black ink (profit/positive) and red ink (debt/negative). My wife only has a red ink pen. So she can only record and remember the negative events. She might be able to briefly acknowledge something that would qualify for a black ink entry, but she can't write it down so it's quickly forgotten. Each time a new red entry is added, she reviews the entire ledger with me starting with when we were dating. The troubling part is that all of the things that bothered her when we were dating (6-7 years ago) were never mentioned to me at that time. I only learn about them now.

I also think about the "walking on eggshells" term. It's also good, but if you just stopped walking you wouldn't step on an eggshell. I find that doing nothing still gets a negative response. It feels like there is a swarm of bees in the house, and you are always slightly uncomfortable because they are there and you are never quite sure when the bees will get agitated.

Or another one is walking a tightrope, but it's the edge of a knife. Even if you expertly cross the rope with practice, patience and skill, you are still going to get hurt.

Anyway, I guess that's all... .I've been reading through the Decision Making Tools which are quite good.

[Wrongturn1]

That's a great analogy about the red ledger.  Agree completely.  I don't think they have the capability to write with the black ink pen, and reading the red ledger to us is abusive.  So I decided to walk out of the room every time my uBPDw starts reading me the red ledger.  There's freedom in knowing you can choose to stop hearing it again and again.

[formflier]

 
What would happen if you didn't review the ledger any more. 

If you look at communication rules "staying current" is a big part of that.

Very important that you are empathetic with her about what is going on "right now".  When she wants to veer off into years ago... .it's time to give her a friendly... .loving... .choice.

"Hey babe... .I'm available to talk about yesterday if you are interested.  We worked through (xyz of years ago) and I want to respect the hard work with both did on that issue by leaving it alone."

Very friendly... .leave the choice with her. 

FF