Ex is pregnant

[SES]

Fifteen year together, married, two kids which I have shared care (50-50)- she had an affair(s) and left me for her affair partner, and they have been living together since Christmas.  Kids told me today that she is 3 months pregnant.  Fingers crossed this will keep her occupied, and things might settle down. 

If anyone else has had a similar experience, are there any things I should brace myself for?

[married21years]

hi 

surviving fifteen years well done, you learnt how to handle this person. the new person may not have your skill set.

how he performs dictates her reactions and what you can expect.

she will treat you as a reaction to her perceptions of him.

the only way to know anymore about the future than this is get a crystal ball.

gl bud 

[SES]

married21years

Thanks you!  You did well surviving 21 years!  It feels a bit weird, as we are still married... .but I am also pleased, as I hope this keeps her occupied. 

[Ripples]

Very sad and difficult to comprehend I'm sure. Your kids welfare is paramount now.

[married21years]

married21years

Thanks you!  You did well surviving 21 years!  It feels a bit weird, as we are still married... .but I am also pleased, as I hope this keeps her occupied. 

you are doing good, you should be proud.

looks like you might have a lucky escape.

best time for the divorce is when they are attached to a new flame.

strike now!

[SES]

Thanks ripples- yes, the kids welfare is most important.  They all live in a 2 bed top floor flat with no lift... .so a baby is going to make life harder for all of them.  Yes, it does seem weird... .and I'm slightly shocked... .but I am also pleased, as it cements their relationship- which I hope turns out to be a good thing.

[Panda39]

Hi SES,

We can't read the future but her past behavior during pregnancy might give you a bit of a clue as to how things will go with this one.  But we do have only 1/2 the equation here because we can't know what the baby's father's behaviors will be to this news and her reactions to that.

Was she happy during pregnancy? Was she hormonal and dysregulated? Was she focused on the new baby? On herself? Was your relationship with her closer more stable? More rocky and stressful?  She will most likely behave in a similar way this time too. (I've been with my SO for 6 years and his uBPDxw continues to exhibit the same behavior patterns as she did 6 years ago... .wash, rinse, repeat)

I agree with your assessment that this cements that other relationship and hopefully her focus will lie there and no longer so much with you.

Panda39

[SES]

Hi Panda39

Thanks! I didn't feel closer to her during pregnancy.  Never managed to do much right in her eyes... .she was preoccupied with herself and the new babies.  Things did seem more settled... .but she did some pretty awful things post pregnancy... .eg. punching me whilst I was holding our new born...  blew her stack due to arguing then thinking I was taking him away from her (which I wasn't... .moved rooms because she was shouting at me)

I just hope it keeps her occupied, with less focus in my direction... .not sure how they will cope...  family of five in a 2 bed flat with a cat.

[Herodias]

 My husband got his gf pregnant and they moved in together pretty quickly when we separated. I will warn you that depending on the laws in your state, you may or may not be able to get a quick divorce. In my state, a pregnant woman cannot get divorced until the baby is born due to determining paternity. So, when my exes gf tried to divorce her husband, (yes she was pregnant and married too) she had to withdraw her request until it could be determined who the father was! So her husband is the father of the child until proven otherwise. If I were you, I would talk to a lawyer about divorcing her on adultery in order to not pay child support on a child that is not yours. Also, just a heads up... .this doesn't mean she is done with you. Mine told me I could take him back after he told me she was pregnant. Then when I said no, he said I could be the Aunt! I think he would have come back to me still if I would let him! Yes, I agree... .it is better they have someone to keep them occupied to get them away from driving you crazy... .it just may not last. Get yourself organized... .sorry you are going through this.

[SES]

Thanks Herodias,

Fingers crossed it will last, they have been together for a couple of years... .albeit on and off (a number of times).  He was her affair partner.  They were on an off whilst we lived together, and last year were off for a period of time when she found out that he had cheated on her with 7 other women.  Quite frankly, I couldn't make this up!  Anyway, they started to live together at Christmas, and now she is 3 months pregnant. 

Luckily I haven't spoken to her for over a year, except 3 sessions of mediation.  The last session was punctuated with her shouting offensive names at me and storming out.  More recently sending me abusive texts. 

I take your point that it isn't over yet.  I do hope that this keeps her occupied, but realise that nothing should surprise me.  Her shaky relationship is about to endure the stress of a new baby and sleepless nights, so things might not go well. 

Thanks for you advice.  Do you have kids with your ex, and if so- how have you managed the toxic situation you found yourself in?

I'm in the UK- and we have been living separately for almost a year- so paternity is not in question.

[Herodias]

Wow, I know what you mean... .my ex screwed around with at least 6 women that I know of... .the current one being one of the affair partners he recycled. Then she got pregnant while we were separated. I don't think he is "thrilled" to have a baby. Just trying to fit in with other people in his circle of "people". He likes the attention the baby gives him, but I am not sure the attention the baby gets over him. I really don't know how he is going to handle crying and screaming. I think that would put him over the edge. No, we do not have kids... .that was one of his excuses as why we should not be together. He lied to me that he was infertile. I believed him because I didn't get pregnant for over a year of our being together! Then I did... .he pushed me to get married. I was in shock. I really never wanted to have kids... .but went with it. Then miscarried. Should have divorced him when I found out he lied. I don't think he did that with the current gf because she wanted kids. She actually told him she was on birth control, so why knows that story. She is still married. You can't make this stuff up, I agree!  We finally got divorced on June 17... .he had the baby May 14. I hate that it states in our divorce papers that there was a baby born during the marriage, but I am not the birth parent. So awful. What is your reason for not getting a divorce? I know my prolonged it as long as possible. Ultimate abandonment I suppose... .

[SES]

Herodias

That is all pretty messed up and hard work.  How did you manage to cope? It's all upsetting stuff. 

My divorce could have been done 18 months ago... .she just isn't willing to agree anything. .more delays for another pension revaluation. 

I don't have any contact with her except by text or email due to the risks associated with having any contact with her. I don't wish her any harm, and I hope she is happy. But I now realise that she wasn't the person I though she was. The baby came as a surprise to me.  She was caught having an affair, she then decided to end our marriage as she wanted to be free, have excitement, single life, swinging... .but she ended up with a baby on the way. 

I am just pleased to be tying to carve out my own life with my kids (50-50).

[Herodias]

" She was caught having an affair, she then decided to end our marriage as she wanted to be free, have excitement, single life, swinging... .but she ended up with a baby on the way."

I know... .that is what mine said too. I don't think mine was thrilled about having a baby... .in fact I am sure he wasn't. He said, "it is what it is". I still think he is trying to fit in with his friends and family by doing this, but sadly for him, they do not approve. Eventually he will tell her that he tried, but he can't do it anymore... .I just know it.
Mine stalled our divorce too... .it is so expensive to keep paying lawyers! That's why I agreed to paying half to get the divorce. I know someone whose wife put off the divorce  by fighting for 2 years... .it is amazing how long they can go fighting, even though they supposedly "moved on"... .