Breaking NC/Significant Day

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been posting a lot, but thought I should start a new thread for this.

A year ago this Saturday, the 13th, my ex lost her mother. I was right there, sitting next to both her & her mother when it happened.

Since then, our relationship deteriorated and she has requested NC. However, given the day, I would like to reach out on Saturday just to let her know that I'm thinking of her and her family. Prior to the relationship ending I bought her something that I intended on giving her on this day. It's not something I can return.

I'm wondering if mailing it to her would be appropriate or if I should just forget it. On one hand I don't want to seem intrusive,  but on the other hand I think she would appreciate it. Whether I include the gift or not,  I had planned on either sending her a simple text or a card.

Another issue is that one of my best friends wants to go out of town on Saturday. Initially I agreed, but realizing the date I don't feel good about it. It feels disrespectful even though she and I are no longer together or even talking anymore. I'm thinking of asking him to do something a bit more low key at home instead.

Hoping to gain some insight from others to help me make the best decision.

[JJacks0]

I've been posting a lot, but thought I should start a new thread for this.

A year ago this Saturday, the 13th, my ex lost her mother. I was right there, sitting next to both her & her mother when it happened.

Since then, our relationship deteriorated and she has requested NC. However, given the day, I would like to reach out on Saturday just to let her know that I'm thinking of her and her family. Prior to the relationship ending I bought her something that I intended on giving her on this day. It's not something I can return.

I'm wondering if mailing it to her would be appropriate or if I should just forget it. On one hand I don't want to seem intrusive,  but on the other hand I think she would appreciate it. Whether I include the gift or not,  I had planned on either sending her a simple text or a card.

Another issue is that one of my best friends wants to go out of town on Saturday. Initially I agreed, but realizing the date I don't feel good about it. It feels disrespectful even though she and I are no longer together or even talking anymore. I'm thinking of asking him to do something a bit more low key at home instead.

Hoping to gain some insight from others to help me make the best decision.

[lovenature]

I haven't read your story, but I would recommend thinking about where you are with your detachment; how will you feel with a response from her? She very well could take your kind gesture as an attachment that's still available and continue contact, or she may have painted you black and reply with hurtful words; depends on her emotion of the moment.

I have learned that you can't expect a mature, rational response from a person who has a PD.

[JJacks0]

If I were to venture a guess, I'd say it's unlikely that she would continue contact since she is the one who requested that we stop speaking and move on. 

As far as my personal detachment goes, well - not so well... .I still hope to hear from her and wish that things could be different. I do genuinely want to acknowledge this day though. It isn't just an excuse to reach out to her. Being that I am still attached, I understand what you're saying. Her response, or lack of response, could hurt. I'm trying to have no expectations.

[Herodias]

If she responds poorly, how are you going to feel for doing a nice gesture? Having been there/done that... .I can say that I was angry I made an effort to do anything nice for mine at all. It doesn't change how they think about you if they are done with the relationship... .they just see you as a sap. It depends on how much you spent, if you can give it to someone else down the road and if you are just trying to come off as the nice person thinking of them. What are your motives... .and there are motives or you would do nothing. You will just feel worse if you give her something and she rejects you yet again. Think hard on this one... .You could always give it to her if you get back together.

[JJacks0]

Good points.  This has made me stop and think a bit.

I'm sure I would be hurt if she responded poorly... .but part of me just feels like at least then I can tell myself I tried. If the worst that can happen is nothing changes, I don't have much to lose right? Realistically I know this will not make her come running back to me. At most I'll get a simple thank you or nothing at all. My motive is to show her I'm thinking about her, care and recognize what day it is. I do still love her and worry about her all the time, I want to make sure she knows she's in my thoughts. I'm sure there is a small selfish component to it as well. Of course I'd hope she appreciates it & doesn't just throw it in the trash... But the main goal is to hopefully bring her some comfort on that day. 

[Hlinthewiking]

I'm facing a very similar dilemma. I guess you really should weigh out the pros and cons of the possible outcomes of contacting her.

A few possible outcomes:
1. She likes it, feels connected, wants back in.
2. She feels overwhelmed with emotions because of what she feels about you and acts with contradiction and impulsivity.
3. She's down that day and you give her even more emotions when she was already out of control of the ones she had before.
4. She dissociates and acts cold, denies the gift or doesn't show much care for it.

There is no right or wrong choice, you need to find out for yourself what's going to make you feel better in the long run, but remember that is very probable that she won't act rationally.

I'm also going to give you another idea.

You could make a video on that day, saying why you wanted to give her that gift, what she means to you and that you didn't want to break her NC request but also wanted her to know that you were there for her. That way if you ever break NC, you can show it to her and give her the gift.

[JJacks0]

That is a good idea, thank you. And you're absolutely right, those are all valid possible outcomes. One that particularly stands out to me is that she's already down on that day, and I add more emotions to the mix that she can't handle. That would most definitely be counter-productive.

I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. Can I ask what you plan on doing? Or are you undecided?

One last idea I had would be to reach out to her best friend (who I'm sure has heard a lot of negative things about me recently, but has always been very level-headed and objective in the past)... .and see if he thinks this would do more harm than good.

[Hlinthewiking]

You're welcome  .

About my own plans, well, unfortunately it's easier to help others then to help myself, my own emotions towards my exBPDgf cloud my judgment. I'v always had trouble making decisions and this is the biggest one I'v ever had to deal with. After seeing your post and considering options, I'm considering that I'll sit down and write everything I'm feeling and what I wanted to tell her at that moment, if we ever speak again it may weigh in, if we don't, it may be therapeutic.

About that last idea, I'm not so sure I like it, she may take it as betrayal and back stabbing. In the other hand, you know them both much better then I do, just consider the possibility.

I'v done something similar in the past when my ex accused me of pretty much cheating on her because I took 20min to reply to her when I was at the mall. It was so absurd I even lost my temper and asked her if she thought I was having a "quicky" with someone at a changing booth. She sought counseling from a friend of hers about me, of course she said what she was feeling, not the facts (very important to remember how they act on how they are feeling instead of what's going on in real life). Her friend called me names and I confronted her showing print of our conversations for her to see I had not wronged her in any way. I regret doing so, it didn't help, but now her friend also dislikes me and is fixing her up with someone else.

[pjstock42]

JJacks,

I am in a bit of a similar situation to you. I'm about a month into NC with my BPD ex gf, ~1.5 months or so after the actual discard. Her birthday is on Saturday and I have gone back and forth numerous times on whether or not I should be reaching out to her to wish her a happy birthday. Long story short, I have decided not to pursue this and I will tell you why. As Hlinthewiking said, it is important to ponder the possible outcomes of what breaking NC will do but to go further, I would say focus on the what the effect would be on you and not what her reaction would be. Think about what you have to gain from reaching out to her, is there any tangible benefit to be found through this action?

For me, of course there's still that large part of me that thinks she will read the message and come running back to me wanting to make everything ok and take away all of my pain but I have to be realistic and realize that not only would this not happen but that it wouldn't be healthy for me if it did happen. Think about how you will feel after reaching out, the agonizing anxiety of waiting to see what her response will be, when it will come or if one will come at all. If it does come, what would constitute a "good" outcome? A simple thank you? A lengthy breakdown of how she misses you? A cold & dismissive attitude towards your kind gesture? The reason that I decided on not making contact is because even the so called "best case scenario" of doing this would involve opening a door for her to get back into my life, which I know would be a terrible idea in the long run. We have to move through this process without our BPD ex, as hard as that is to realize. I often think about how she is the only one who could understand the pain I'm going through and therefore be the only one to fix it but at the end of the day, I know that she is toxic and that I need to move forward in my life without her.

I am not trying to tell you what to do & simply wanted to provide my perspective since I am facing a somewhat similar solution this coming weekend. The way I see it, will I be happier and more at peace waking up on Sunday morning knowing that I've continued my perfect streak of NC and continued on my way to healing or would I feel better waking up wondering why I communicated with her and possibly regretting it? Ultimately, there is no simple answer to this dilemma but I hope that my thought process was helpful for you. You will do what is right for you and whatever that is, I look forward to reading your update on this and seeing how things play out for you.

[thisagain]

I'm sure I would be hurt if she responded poorly... .but part of me just feels like at least then I can tell myself I tried. If the worst that can happen is nothing changes, I don't have much to lose right? Realistically I know this will not make her come running back to me. At most I'll get a simple thank you or nothing at all.

It sounds like you're in a decent place as far as not getting your hopes up. But have you also thought about what you would do if she DID "come running back to you"? I glanced at some of your previous posts and it seems like yall have had months of the hot-and-cold, back-and-forth (often initiated by her). This will be a highly emotional time for her which makes it especially hard to predict how she'll react.

I think step one is to be sure of what you want for the relationship. Then you can plan for what you'll do if she responds in any range of ways. Raging at you, begging you to take her back, and anything in between.

[JJacks0]

About that last idea, I'm not so sure I like it, she may take it as betrayal and back stabbing. In the other hand, you know them both much better then I do, just consider the possibility.

I see your point. I had hoped that if I did reach out to him it would just be between the two of us, but I suppose that isn't likely. And I can't really ask him not to tell her.

For me, of course there's still that large part of me that thinks she will read the message and come running back to me wanting to make everything ok and take away all of my pain but I have to be realistic and realize that not only would this not happen but that it wouldn't be healthy for me if it did happen.

This is something I'm struggling with, as much as I'd like to deny it. I have no trouble realizing that there's not much I can do to get her back at this point - the ball is in her court. But as rational as I try to be, as much as I read these boards and acknowledge the toxicity of the r/s at many points, I always get hung up on the good and I paint this picture of our relationship becoming something healthier despite all the contradictory things I see and hear. She was my absolute best friend and we had such an amazing connection. I love her so much. Hearing myself, I realize that maybe I shouldn't break NC. If she wanted me she would come find me, but she hasn't. She's moving on and pushing me away because she feels that I abandoned her. I'm stuck living in this dream world where I imagine her illness no longer being an issue and her suddenly realizing how distorted her perceptions have been... .that she doesn't need to feel shame and that I never left her.

Thank you for making these points. They've allowed me to see a few things in myself, and realize that I'm secretly hoping for something impossible.