Just over six months since the great dismantling...NC and now a drive by

[Allranuthin]

Hello All,

I spent a good deal of my time here when it first happened in late Jan 2016 when my uBPDgf (relatively solid/co-habitating/plans to married relationship of over seven years) had what I can only describe as a psychotic break the day after we got back from a wonderful vacation. 

During the holidays, a month prior to that, a very disrespectful ex of hers started meddling around and reaching out to her through email.  The ex, intentionally played upon her susceptibility to guilt and shame and really made her feel awful for moving on with me and cutting their friendship off years prior.  My ex expressed these feelings to me and I suggested to cut contact with her old ex.  At some point prior to us leaving for our final vacation, they met up and talked.  I am sure it wasn't a romantic meeting but her old ex did a good job of being a new supply of support and adoration. My ex told me they had a heart to heart and she thinks they can be friends again.   Shortly after that visit... .my ex totally changed the way she engaged with me and I became "the enemy" of sorts--which always happened when she spent time with this ex. This is why SHE chose NC with this ex years prior and I helped her with healthy boundaries.   Guessing it was all triangulation at its finest. So, she raged at me for being controlling because I asked why she was being so different after spending time with the old ex.  (I have had plenty of years experience with her exhibiting almost ALL the symptoms and relational/emotional turmoil for a BPD dx---I am almost positive a dx would be determined).

Fast forward a couple of weeks, into January 2016.  we went on our vacation and had many wonderful experiences, we were very much in love and had a lot of fun.  I did notice she had a preoccupation with her phone on several occasions, but I didn't bring anything up.   She asked me to marry her then and now while we were on vacation and I asked that we wait until we "get some help" with some of the issues in our relationship (her emotional dysregulation and my inadequate approach to helping her through things (we had plans to start counseling and had a therapist picked out for when we returned from vacation).  The day after we returned home during a calm conversation, I asked if all the texting over the last several days had been with the old ex.  My ex immediately became extremely defensive and defiant and aggressive.  She was screaming and throwing things, lost absolute control-like I said-it seemed as if it were a psychotic break.  The police showed up after she left.  The neighbors reported they saw her physically assault me in our front yard and the police were going to issue a warrant for her arrest.  She was combative because she was simply emotionally out of control!  I texted to tell her about the police because if she were arrested for domestic violence her career would be over. 

So that night, she and her entire family of origin (enmeshed and very dysfunctional) went to the police and they all flat out lied that I was the ABUSIVE one--They told police that for 7 years I emotionally and physically abused her, that I basically held her captive in a relationship she no longer wanted to be in and what the neighbors saw was simply her escaping from me!  I must emphasize these were  utterly ridiculous lies!  The blatant fabricated story worked though because all five of them cried and swore it was true charges were dropped.

So immediately after the psychotic break day, she blocked me from all forms of contact, changed her address, moved in with the old ex and has in the past couple of months been dating a brand new source of supply who is not wise to the truth of the BPD yet. There has been minimal contact in the past 6 months--only a few emails exchanged since the day she left... .the last email was in May when she said for me to never to contact her again. I have respected her wishes and moved on as best I can given my whole life was uprooted in one afternoon.  The new replacement is most likely providing tender loving support and hearing how awful I was and how wonderful they are for finally showing true love.

So... .I want to ask folks here for input.  The truth is the version she has collapsed on and spread around is absolutely false.  She KNOWS the truth, right? I was never abusive and was only guilty of seeing behind the mask she fights so vehemently to hold up for the public and social circles.  I saw how much she struggles every day of her life, held good boundaries and maintained stability which she quite often thanked me for.

Where did those feelings for me, us our life together go?   Do you think she has told the awful lies so much she believes them too?  She was truly in love with me, and I with her.  She couldn't emotionally handle the old ex showing up again and lost control and threw it all away.  Do you imagine she feels any remorse or regret?  I ask because I still do love her and would try again now that I am better prepared with a good deal of knowledge and skills from this site and abundant other materials.  As I said, there has been no contact at all since may, yet she drove by the house three days ago!  There is no reason for her to travel this way.  So, I am wondering what others might think is happening now, all these months later?  I have spent a lot of time on myself, with friends and enjoying life.  I have been heartbroken but understand I have no control over what she does or decides.  She has tried to paint a pretty picture that she is fine and has moved on, yet concerned mutual friends have told me she is a "wreck" much of the time.  I am back telling my story again because seeing her drive by makes me think she is rethinking things? 

In a way, I cannot imagine after all we have been through-how thoroughly and deeply she expressed undying love for me for 7 years- that anyone could just walk away and never look back?  I am guessing too that following her break, to save herself, her reputation and career she painted me black.  She may not think she can ever undo that? She knows I am strong and have self respect, but honestly, my door is open to talking and offering a clean slate to get to a place better than where we are now. I am very hesitant to reach out to her because the last words she said were leave me alone and good-bye. Any thoughts, insights or questions will be appreciated as I sit here with these new feelings that she may want to reach out but doesn't know how. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[once removed]

hi Allranuthin,

i remember your story. how are things going for you? are you feeling any better?

i wouldnt act on the drive by. it is possible she is working up courage to contact you, and its possible shes not. for now, i would respect her wishes.

have you been working the tools and preparing for what a relationship with her would entail?

[Allranuthin]

Hello Again, Once Removed.

Thanks for the advice.  I am doing ok.  I lost my father to a terminal illness in June and spent several months prior tending to him, while trying to heal from the dismantling of our relationship.  My ex only heard about his death two days ago (After the drive by) through an acquaintance who let me know she had no idea and was shocked and  asked that her sympathy be sent my way.  Finding out that she didn't know until recently helps with the feelings I was having that she probably knew all along and just didn't care.

 I haven't reacted to the drive by outwardly, but as you might guess it stirs things up emotionally.   I, too, feel she is trying to build the courage to reach out--then add the news of my father's passing on the day before our anniversary (a significant date for both of us), I would imagine she feels a good deal of guilt.   I know how her mind works.  By this time,  she is wavering between what was real between us and collapsing on the distortions she created as being the truth (I was bad for her).  What was "bad" was I had boundaries and wouldn't enable poor decisions and hurtful behavior. I get torn between wanting her to know I am open to communicating with her again, that I understand and just leaving things drift on and on.  She often projects her emotions on to me and would swear how she THINKS I feel is more accurate than how I really feel.   She most likely thinks I hate her and would not receive her well (because that is how SHE would feel).   So, the wounds are wide open again.

After much work, here and elsewhere, I do feel I better equipped to communicate, validate and process through her reality.  I just find myself wondering if and when she will reach out.   This breakup, as likely is true for many others on this board, has been like a sudden, unexpected, avoidable death... .but the agonizing thing is the loved one is still on this earth.   

[once removed]

im really sorry to hear about your father, Allranuthin. thats very painful and very recent; no doubt it is a struggle all on its own, but it must compound the pain 

i do think her sending her sympathy is another positive step. its a friendly, albeit still indirect communication.

its hard to know what is in her head (and it may rapidly and dramatically change) but the fear of rejection can be an inhibiting factor when it comes to reaching out; for anyone really, but perhaps more so for someone with an intense and pervasive fear of it. i dont say that to suggest you take a further step, i think youve done what you can do to communicate the door is open, and further action may be triggering. i just say it to inform you; my ex sent out a few little feelers that involved plausible deniability, and i suspect now that she was very afraid i would reject her. so yes. she may feel that way, contrary to the signals you have sent.

its tough, and i agree, i described it at the time as feeling like my ex had died, yet her ghost was walking the earth. its very surreal, and difficult to reconcile, and it doesnt take much to reopen the wounds. you may in the mean time want to spend some time on the Detaching board learning the lessons there; not that you need to reach that decision or commit to detaching, but usually Saving and Improving the relationship involves some level of acceptance and detachment, from the wounds of the relationship, and the ongoing pain. what do you think?

[Allranuthin]

Thanks for the hug and sympathy, Once.  It truly helps.

I have followed your advice and have been processing many or the stories and info on detaching.  Had actually begun moving in that direction a while ago, but the drive by and recent contact through a friend sent me reeling with hope. 

Ultimately and rationally (which too often goes by the wayside in these situations) I know the true answer to this is detachment from the fantasy that what I grieve was just as real to her.  She has me blocked on social media, but in the confounding variables of mutual friends and people I have overlooked in my own attempts to erase her from my virtual circles, yesterday I saw a few photos of my ex and my replacement on their recent beach vacation.  It was haunting-down to the types of photos.  They were the same photos she took with me over the years!  Selfies with water and sunset in the background, close up of their holding hands in the sand with sea shells.  It made me feel like a household appliance that is no longer shiny and new.   

The photos brought about several emotions.  Perhaps the most significant is indignation.  Even if she is wavering with the desire to reach out, she would be bring the baggage of her replacement relationship--her distorted proof that the problem wasn't her BPD, the problem was me because she has found someone else already and I am alone because I am defective.  A new source of triangulation.  At this moment, I cannot see how that dynamic could truly be navigated with any positive results. 

So thank you again, Once Removed.  Personally, I feel the most tragic part of surviving this isn't the grief, betrayal, distortions or lies... .it is the relinquishing of the hope for what they ignited inside of us during the not so chaotic times. Manipulating us to believe they are the loves of our lives and we are the ones and onlys they have searched for- is so painful it should be considered a criminal act... .just as a physical assault.  It is frightening that this type of pain is inflicted upon innocent people over and over again... .with the resulting aftermath being they move on and do it again while we suffer for years.  Actually,  I think I would prefer a physical injury-because once they heal you have to TRY to recall the memories of the injury... .they are not emblazoned on your consciousness. 

Seeing that love and hope ignited in the photos of her and my replacement on the beach means my ex is moving along like clockwork in the manipulation process. My replacement is feeling protective and perfect, saving my ex from the trauma of me, my demons and how awful I made her life! It's just incomprehensible unless you've been through it.  Just as I was her saving grace in the aftermath of her relationship prior to ours.   Yet still, my hope remains that someday... .she will see our relationship as I saw it... .as she professed she saw it... .a love and connection worth the tribulations and trials. 

So today,  I am still struggling and will spend another day trying to wrap my mind, heart and soul around this.

[once removed]

social media is definitely not our friend in these situations. i recall just the sight, probably even the thought of my computer sent me into a tailspin if i wasnt in one already. and of course id see things with no real significance, but ruminate over them for hours. i definitely suggest unfollowing (if temporarily), avoiding, perhaps even disengaging from social media (if possible).

despite the pain, i think you sound like you have a pretty clear head about all of this and are processing well - it will take you a long way. members that fully grieve, and work through that grief, tend to go the furthest in their healing.

it may not seem like it now, or it may seem like very small comfort, but there is a lifetime of knowledge, tools and skills that can come from these relationships. we were wounded, and deeply, but unlike physical injury, not only is there a gain, but we can heal to the point that we are stronger than we ever were before. you can have hope and your hopes may come true. i also encourage you to invest a great deal of hope in that concept. if your hopes come true, you will be far better prepared. if your hopes change, you will have a great deal more to offer and receive in a happy, healthy relationship.

take it from me: it gets better. i promise.

[Allranuthin]

Thanks, Once!

Social media seems like a tool used to enhance the illusion of "normalcy" or happiness and in our ex's cases to virtually inflict some more pain.  After blocking me, my ex selectively left a few friends on her page who she knows remain loyal to me.  These folks aren't the "get involved in our drama" type (but if I ask they will tell me), so they can see how "wonderful" her life is now that she got away from me.  I did some more social media housework and I don't ask (anymore), seek or want to know how great she wants others to think it is going for her, for my own sanity.  What I do know is, while she left me with all the blame and pain, she absolutely took all the chaos, drama, distortion, rage, impossible expectations and delusions with her.  I'm sure she didn't put it all in a storage unit, so despite what she posts, I'm pretty confident the grass is no greener now.  She's just using photo enhancement techniques!

After much processing following the agony of discovery,  I'm also pretty confident that the replacement relationship is going to falter, because my ex will shortly blame the replacement for coming between us.  It's just how it works for her, historically.  I realize I have no control over when or if she returns, and have moved into adding elements of detachment to my hope. My heart and emotions have been destroyed, but yeah, my head is pretty clear.  I am a realist who leans toward optimism.

I was thinking today, standing on a rooftop overlooking the city, that it is ME now who is allowing her to continue to hurt me.  When I am in pain at this point, it is me causing it because she isn't here!  It's just me and the dogs, and as a matter of fact, they are much calmer too.  I let my thoughts drift to how wonderful it was when it was good and how awful it is that she lied about everything, launched a smear campaign for her personal election and did so many terrible things.  I ruminate about how much I want or life together back and try to make it better next time.  I imagine her with my replacement enjoying the wonderful things I miss.  I make MYSELF feel terrible.  Yes, I truly would give it another try now that I know my faults and my role in the demise. However, she will now need to approach me with several things I need to hear, because I am aware of recycle techniques.  Regardless, what I want is not in my power right now.  To feel better I need to resign myself to not DO anything, to not reach out to her,  to not exhaust myself and ruin my days thinking about how I can change it, to not TRY to get her to come back.  I think she knows the door is open, but even if she doesn't my doors never mattered much when she wanted something anyway!

I appreciate your wisdom, Once.  I thought a lot about what you said and what I have gained through this experience.  Some folks have to jump out of planes or climb mountains for unpredictable, dangerous,  adrenaline filled life experiences.  Yet, we all have survived significant amounts of time navigating through an alternative reality with unpredictable obstacles and impossible expectations!  I am a better, more compassionate, even stronger person now and my eyes are wide open to possibilities I never knew existed.  Hope remains, but it is more expansive than longing for just one possibility.