Taking a break or breaking up

[nocratos]

My friend of 4 years and I started dating just under a year ago. 3 weeks would be our First anniversary. She is married and was living with her husband when we started. They separated in March under very bad terms. She always complains about how miserable she was with him and how terrible of a husband he is. We moved in together about a month ago along with her kids.

She was diagnosed BPD type B in April and was going to therapy but that only lasted for a couple months. She is on meds but has a problem taking them consistently. She also has a problem with alcohol.

A couple weeks ago we had a big episode in which the police were called because she was threatening to harm herself, her ex and her children. I've never seen her like this. Once the police left she called up her ex and went to his place. She was furious that the police were called.

A few days later we are back together and trying to reconcile. While things seemed to be getting better over the next couple days something was off. I looked through her phone and found out she's been sleeping with her ex. I'm not sure for how long but it seems like it started the day after her episode. I confronted her about this the next day.

She kicked me out of the house and I am now staying with my friends. She left the house for the weekend to allow me to get my things out. She's been in an episode the entire time. Saying how much she loves me or misses me one minute and then saying how much she hates me or life the next.

I told her I needed a couple days before we could talk again. She left me a message saying it's all her fault and she misses me. All I want to do is call her and say I miss her too. Everyone and everything is telling my to cut all ties and run. My problem is I love her so much. My heart yearns for her. I care about her and want her to get better but I know that I can't help. Is there any hope? Is there any way to salvage our friendship?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi nocratos,



I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. It had to be hard to be kicked out if your house, staying with friends and having to move your things out - its less emotionall for her if she's not there. Is she still married to her H? It sounds like a rebound r/s. 4 years is a long friendship. What was your friendship like? Was it more stable than when you had an intimate r/s?

I'm glad that you decided to join us, many members here can relate with you, you'll fi d that you fit right in. It helps to talk to people that share similar experiences, we can offer you guidance and support.

I understand how emotionally distressing that feels when we're on an emotional rollercoaster with a pwBPD, a pwBPD want emotional intimacy but emotional intimacy triggers the disorder, a pwBPD will push loved ones away and the distance then triggers their fear of abandonment and then the pwBPD will pull their partners closer. The push / pull behavior in a romantic r/s with a pwBPD can feel like crazy making behavior to the non disordered partner. There's a reason why our partners behave the way that they do, it helps to read as much as you can about the disorder, you will quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time.

What is fear of abandonment?

[nocratos]

She is still married. They've been spending a fair bit of time together now. I feel like I was one of her side flings that instead of one night turned into a year long mistake on both our parts. I'm not sure if they are trying to reconcile or not. I haven't asked.

Our friendship was great. We'd do all kinds of stuff together. Movies, games, camping, going out to the bar. She was one of my best friends. The only issue was she could be unreliable. I figure that it was because she was having an episode and was unable to do what she had said she was going to do. Her husband would make an excuse for her. She hid her problems very well. She opened up to me a couple months before we started going out that she felt she had depression issues.

[Mutt]

Hi nocratos,

I feel like I was one of her side flings that instead of one night turned into a year long mistake on both our parts.

She was a best friend, I would find that difficult to lose a best friend and someone that you're romantically involved with. I would advise to listen to your gut. It's triangulation, when there's surmounting pressure in a r/s sometimes people will subconsciously seek someone else, it relieves the pressure in the primary r/s kind of like a pressure valve. I think there's a good chance that you will hear from her again when she's going through a rough patch.

BPD is often co-morbid with clinical depression. My ex didn't give me the impression that there was something off but she did see the doctor for depression.

[Herodias]

I would put yourself in her husbands shoes... .don't you think he was dealing with her issues? Do you think things will go differently for you? Sorry you are heartbroken, but be smart here and learn what you can... .before you make any decisions.

[nocratos]

She was messaging me at 2:00 this morning saying how much she misses me and how it was a big mistake going back to her husband. I went and saw her and the kids this afternoon for a bit. I picked up a couple items that were left behind. Every time we had the room to ourselves she'd sneak a kiss before one of the kids came back in. The kids were glad to see me. She says she has an appointment with her therapist on Monday to figure out what she should do. I'm glad she's going back.

I really don't know how to feel. Last night I went to a walk-in counselling session and I was ready to move on. I'm still determined to get a place of my own but part me is hoping she invites me back. I know I shouldn't and I hope I won't accept the offer if it comes. I still want her in my life but I know she'll hurt me again if I let her get too close again.

[Mutt]

Hi nocratos,

She says she has an appointment with her therapist on Monday to figure out what she should do. I'm glad she's going back.

What's going to be different this time? Did she promise that she's going to commit to therapy to make things work?

[nocratos]

What's going to be different this time? Did she promise that she's going to commit to therapy to make things work?

She didn't promise anything. Just that she's going to go this one time. And now I don't even know if she's going to go.

We were supposed to go out for a bit on Friday to talk but those plans fell apart. The roommates dog got hit by a truck. Her ex was over since he was supposed to be picking the kids up for the weekend but ended up staying the night. She said it was to be with the kids and they wanted to stay there. She gave me a maybe to doing it on Saturday. Saturday afternoon comes around and I ask her if we're going out. She says no and won't give a reason.

In the evening I message her about dropping off a few things for her but I don't get a response. I message the roommate and they say to come over. No one else is home. I talk with them a bit about how they're doing with the dog and I'm told that she left with her ex in the afternoon.

We had a talk this morning. I told her that I'm sick of her playing with me. I can't handle her messages of I love you or I miss you anymore. That she needs to figure out what she wants. And that if she wants me back she needs to get help. We won't be communicating for 2 weeks.