uBPDw got her first paycheck...now I think SHE IS leaving

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The cold war has started. It was precipitated by her first paycheck and a finance discussion that did not go well. She said that she would pay her car and insurance. Since it is my house ( bought before marriage and she is not on title) she lives "rent free". She wanted to split the utilities (fine with me) but insisted on seeing every bill and calculated it down to the penny. She had promised to contribute a good sum to the joint credit cards; instead, it was half of what she said. She had represented to me that she wanted to "pay back" the savings that she mostly depleted; instead, she said that she didn't want to be "committed to a certain amount" and that whatever she gave would be at her "discretion". I didn't appreciate that since she had always said the opposite. By my calculations she will be left with about 2k per month to spend as she wishes. I, as usual, really don't have much left over at all, but certainly more than I had when I was paying for everything. I sure as hell don't have 2k for spending money.
She would not negotiate at all. That was what she was going to contribute. End of story.
I figured she got what she wanted as usual and that was that.
The next day she acted like I had ripped her off. Called me a "b___" and a "scum".
We were again out of bottled water. I always am the one that has to get it. So I thought I would ask her to. She said she would if I gave her $5 to buy it.
Fast forward to yesterday and today. She told me that she put herself and her daughter on her medical at work ( she just got a new job) and told me to take them off mine. Then she insisted that I take her and her daughter off the "family plan" for our cell phones so that they could have their own account. Luckily my carrier was willing to do that without a fee.
Basically I am invisible to her, save the necessary communication of the above.
Other posters had said that BPDs know when you are planning on ending things. Read my other posts and you will see that I have been making some plans for that.
Maybe she senses it and wants to be the one to make the first move. Fine with me.
Of course it hurts still. And I have never felt her so distant.
Sorry I am a bit incoherent and my words are not coming out like I want them too.
I feel so many things right now: sad, angry, hurt, abandoned, taken for granted and still... .traumatized.
Having a hard time sleeping, don't really want to eat. Not present in the moment. My head and heart are aching and consumed with sadness.
The worst part is that my daughter is visiting for the summer vacation ( I share custody with my ex) and I was really  in the ozone layer today. I should be concentrating on her, having fun and enjoying her. I go through the motions ( and thank God she is too young to notice anything is wrong) but I am in a lot of pain and distracted at times.

[michel71]

The cold war has started. It was precipitated by her first paycheck and a finance discussion that did not go well. She said that she would pay her car and insurance. Since it is my house ( bought before marriage and she is not on title) she lives "rent free". She wanted to split the utilities (fine with me) but insisted on seeing every bill and calculated it down to the penny. She had promised to contribute a good sum to the joint credit cards; instead, it was half of what she said. She had represented to me that she wanted to "pay back" the savings that she mostly depleted; instead, she said that she didn't want to be "committed to a certain amount" and that whatever she gave would be at her "discretion". I didn't appreciate that since she had always said the opposite. By my calculations she will be left with about 2k per month to spend as she wishes. I, as usual, really don't have much left over at all, but certainly more than I had when I was paying for everything. I sure as hell don't have 2k for spending money.
She would not negotiate at all. That was what she was going to contribute. End of story.
I figured she got what she wanted as usual and that was that.
The next day she acted like I had ripped her off. Called me a "b___" and a "scum".
We were again out of bottled water. I always am the one that has to get it. So I thought I would ask her to. She said she would if I gave her $5 to buy it.
Fast forward to yesterday and today. She told me that she put herself and her daughter on her medical at work ( she just got a new job) and told me to take them off mine. Then she insisted that I take her and her daughter off the "family plan" for our cell phones so that they could have their own account. Luckily my carrier was willing to do that without a fee.
Basically I am invisible to her, save the necessary communication of the above.
Other posters had said that BPDs know when you are planning on ending things. Read my other posts and you will see that I have been making some plans for that.
Maybe she senses it and wants to be the one to make the first move. Fine with me.
Of course it hurts still. And I have never felt her so distant.
Sorry I am a bit incoherent and my words are not coming out like I want them too.
I feel so many things right now: sad, angry, hurt, abandoned, taken for granted and still... .traumatized.
Having a hard time sleeping, don't really want to eat. Not present in the moment. My head and heart are aching and consumed with sadness.
The worst part is that my daughter is visiting for the summer vacation ( I share custody with my ex) and I was really  in the ozone layer today. I should be concentrating on her, having fun and enjoying her. I go through the motions ( and thank God she is too young to notice anything is wrong) but I am in a lot of pain and distracted at times.

[heartandwhole]

Hi michel71,

I can understand why you are hurting. No matter that you have been planning to leave; the fact that she is becoming so distant and seemingly trying to disconnect from you hurts a lot. I'm sorry things have come to this. 

It looks like your wife wants to feel more independent, especially if she senses that you might leave. She may not want to leave herself; she may just want to "protect" herself. Of course, I'm just speculating. One way to find out is to talk about it.

Have you had any conversations about going separate ways, michel71? How are you feeling about your own plans?

heartandwhole

[michel71]

Thank you Heart. We have discussed it a bit, more like a "hypothetical" and usually on the back end of a make-up talk, like, "what if this doesn't end up working out". She is more practical then. When the subject comes up when she is raging about something, well, it is much different and she has even proffered that she WONT LEAVE even though it is my house and I "can't make her" (well, yes I can, but you know at this point she is acting like a 5 year old).
I have read a lot of material, posts, on and off this site which suggest strongly that in high conflict divorces the NON should not discuss or telegraph actual plans. Of course I know that depends on where the other person falls on the spectrum. I would say that my wife is very high functioning but has been capable of a lot of cruelty. She has never acted in my best interests even in the best of times, is highly selfish and sees herself as a victim, so I am not sure that she will "play nice". In fact, if you read some of my other posts, I fear her. Not physically. I fear what kind of revenge she will take and how much money she will try to milk me for.
Even if I wanted to discuss it now I cannot. My daughter is visiting and it would be too upsetting. It will have to be dealt with after August 25th. Notwithstanding that, I have played the various scenarios over and over again in my head. Will I just serve her with papers? Will I try to tell her that I want a separation so that she will move out (maybe) and then I can serve her with papers. Will I take the chance to talk to her like reasonable people do to discuss our options? No clue right now. But like you said Heart, she probably already knows and is preparing herself.
It still hurts... .a lot. And despite the abuse she has inflicted upon me, I don't want her to hurt. I still love her but to stay with her means that I am selling my soul to the devil. I might as well just kill myself if that is the case.

[heartandwhole]

It still hurts... .a lot. And despite the abuse she has inflicted upon me, I don't want her to hurt. I still love her but to stay with her means that I am selling my soul to the devil. I might as well just kill myself if that is the case.

I really understand what you are saying. It's such a tough situation. And when you've built a life with someone and invested your money, time, and most of all, your heart, having the strength to get out with the least amount of conflict can be a big challenge. You can do it. Step by step. And we're with you.

Right now, it seems to me that you need extra TLC, and time and space to enjoy your daughter's visit. Can you do something fun/relaxing with her this weekend? Something that will help you get your mind off of the latest events, even if just for awhile? It's too difficult to make efficient plans when we are emotionally drained and hurting.  

heartandwhole

[michel71]

Thank you Heart. That is the plan... .to just stay busy... .TRY to keep my mind from ruminating. Super hard at times. I spent part of the day with my daughter, my best friend and my Godson. The three people most dear to me in the whole world. Gosh did I feel so much better.
Got home and the knots in the stomach started although wife was a bit less snarky.