need some advice

[Depression = 72% of members]

read all the books, watched all the videos, my girlfriend has BPD, is in group therapy and working on mood stabilizers but not there yet. i keep ___ing things up, the smallest mistake and i go from hero to zero and i don't know i'm making a mistake until its too late. how do i avoid this? it kills me to see her upset and more so when i'm the root of the problem. what are some key things to do when shes that upset? the books all state sympathy etc etc but when it happens there's no scenario in the books that would help me. i love this girl and would do anything for her, i can't lose her. please spare the cant help someone line and if there's anyone with some real life experience who's reached the light at the end of the tunnel then speak up please.
thanks

[kd.kv]

read all the books, watched all the videos, my girlfriend has BPD, is in group therapy and working on mood stabilizers but not there yet. i keep ___ing things up, the smallest mistake and i go from hero to zero and i don't know i'm making a mistake until its too late. how do i avoid this? it kills me to see her upset and more so when i'm the root of the problem. what are some key things to do when shes that upset? the books all state sympathy etc etc but when it happens there's no scenario in the books that would help me. i love this girl and would do anything for her, i can't lose her. please spare the cant help someone line and if there's anyone with some real life experience who's reached the light at the end of the tunnel then speak up please.
thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi kd.kv,



I'd like to welcome you. I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time. I can relate how distressing that is when we're not equipped for a r/s with a pwBPD. Feelings  = facts to a pwBPD whereas feelings are followed with facts for you and I, it can feel like crazy making behaviors to the non disordered partner. You're not alone. You'll find many members here that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support.

i keep please reading things up, the smallest mistake and i go from hero to zero and i don't know i'm making a mistake until its too late. how do i avoid this?

A pwBPD see people and the world as either all good or all bad and don't ser the two as an integrated whole with people. So, you're either a hero or a zero with np in-between. My advice is to read as much as you can about the disorder, you will quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time.

Maybe you're making mistakes, don't be hard on yourself, as I was saying your partner will vacillate between hero and zero, it's a BPD behavior called splitting, it's bot personal to you, it's not something that your partner can control or that you can control, it helps to identify the behavior,  become indifferent and know that it will eventually pass. Welcome to the family  

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

[ArleighBurke]

it kills me to see her upset and more so when i'm the root of the problem.

You are not the problem. She has BPD - she will react badly to ANYONE.

Learning to help someone with BPD takes a long time - probably years to really master it. But in the short term there is Validation - search this site and read about it. https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating  Learning to hear her, to REALLY hear her is key. And it will help immediately. But there's no shortcut - she has BPD for life - so there will always be times when she gets set off. Half the BPD coping techniques are understanding her and better communication, but the other half are about YOU - and how to become more emotionally stable.

You say there are no scenarios in the books like yours. Tell us some sitations or conversations and we can help guide you.

[Meili]

I haven't reached the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can see it. The journey to get there is not for the faint of heart. To be in a relationship with a pwBPD, you must be strong. There is no room for weakness.

In the sidebar on the right of this page are links to several topics that are worth the read. As AB said, validating her feelings will serve you well. To properly validate though, you need to (also as AB mentioned) learn to listen with empathy. This requires us to look beyond the words that are being used and at the feelings that are being conveyed. When you can start doing that, you can start ending the conflict with effective communication. Next you have to start to establish boundaries.

As you're doing all of this, you must work on yourself. Looking at your role in the relationship, what keeps you in a relationship with a pwBPD, and why you've allowed yourself to be treated as you described will be key. Many of us hide behind the "why I stay" questions by simply saying "because I love my pwBPD!" Or, "the good times were so good, I want those back!" What that means is that they are willing to hurt and damage themselves for the love of another or a potentially good feeling that may or may not ever come. It's a lack of self-love that allows us to do that.

That lack of self-love is the very thing that kills these relationships. Remember at the beginning I said that in these types of relationships there is no room for weakness?