Just feel broken...

[GoingBack2OC]

For those that don't know my story. 5.5 Years with my ex. I found out about 4 weeks ago she was already well into a 3 month relationship without me knowing.

I didn't find out from her. I found out, from him.

Once I knew, or I should say, once she was aware I knew- I never heard from her again.

Theres more drama than just this of course. It was a toxic relationship. We both did things, I think in some ways we brought out the worst in eachother. Or she brought out the worst in me.

My head tells me this, logically. I know it was not a good relationship for me. But my heart still misses her.

And after 5.5 years, she just ghosted me. Never faced me. Never admitted to the fact she had been establishing a new relationship, cheating on me, lying to me. For months.

I was just erased.

It's honestly, affected me in such a deep way. I didnt think a relationship could end in such a way. I could never imagine cheating on someone, let alone cheating on them, and then when they found out, simply never speaking to them afterwards.

I know time heals. I've been in other relationships. I've been heartbroken. But this time, it's just different.

I feel different. I feel like my optimism is gone. I feel like I have no passion for anything, nothing feels good. I simply can't find consolation.

I begged her in voicemails and texts, to just talk to me, that it can't be just "left like this". 5.5 Years. You don't end it this way.

Being broken up with is aweful. Cheating I think is probably one of the worst things you can do to a person in term of personally wounding them and changing them forever. But with both of these, she ghosted me completely.

After being brokenhearted before. I never felt so broken, in a way that I dont know how to fix.

I feel so embarrassed. Like I want no one to know. Its shameful in many ways.

I can't understand why she would choose this way. If I was dating someone, and found out they did this to someone, I don't think there would be a next date. Of course she wont tell people. She lied so much.

But for me, I have always been so open, and honest with people. I feel so embarrassed, I feel like how could I ever tell a new partner, about what happened. I mean, I have never really discussed past relationships with current partners, besides the "basics". But I feel like how would anyone ever see me as worthy after finding out my ex fiance, of 5.5 years, cheated on me for months, then I found out, not even from her, and never heard from her again.

I feel in many ways, she murdered my spirit, my ego, who I was.

Just a bad day. Thanks for listening.

[Stripey77]

Hi Going back

I'll reply more fully to this later, but I do fully understand the pain of being ghosted. It happened to me for 6 months, I know it's no great comfort, especially if you truly want to detach, but they do so often come back you know. It's about how you handle that when it happens. I began to think my ex would never speak to me again, he was projecting so much vitriol towards me. But a tiny bit of me inside knew, that logically, he would. It's human nature, BPD to one side, to come back, unless it's the most dire of circumstances that led to a break up, something that was a total deal breaker. Many people, at some point or the other, check back in at some point in the future, even if it's just the once. I think with BPD exes, it is even more likely.


I am being ghosted once again, and I mean, to the point that he has literally barged past me on the pavement like he doesn't know me, in front of respective friends. Whilst I know I deserve more than this, and this terrible relationship as was, I am damned if I am going to be treated in a tiny town as if I don't exist, by someone who just 2 months ago was telling he me still loved me and missed me, and was holding me in his arms. Not to get back together, but the point was we were talking. Now, thanks to something someone else did, he is totally blanking me again. I know for a fact - as with your ex - this is 100% to do with his own shame and self hatred. He's not angry with me.

I've been texting him, I'll explain more when I have more time, but just been sending little 'good morning' 'good day' type messages... .nothing heavy, nothing emotional. To begin with he was ignoring them, but then he started reading them.

My ex has traits of BPD that is for sure, he has told me several times there's a darkness in his brain he can't articulate. He is undiagnosed, but I am pretty pretty sure that it is BPD at play here - just perhaps he is fairly low down on the scale. But even so, all of that to one side, as I say, it's human nature... .curiosity etc. It actually takes more effort and thought about  a person to totally disregard them, actually a concerted effort if you happen to see them all the time. I am making sure I walk around town, everywhere, more and more now.

It's not an effort to get the relationship back, it's to be acknowledged as a human being, one who he said he adored. That would go some considerable way to mitigating my pain.

Hang on in there, it will get better.

I will post more on this later. 

[naguma]

I feel different. I feel like my optimism is gone. I feel like I have no passion for anything, nothing feels good. I simply can't find consolation.

In the same boat. Can't say much except, find something you enjoy. Those hours or days will help you forget, for a little while.
Seems that eventually it gets better, when - don't know. But eventually.
Therapy helps, my therapist has a sliding scale - so it's roughly $400 per month. She goes as low as $20 per session. It seems to help, though a long way to go yet.
There are at least a few of us in this sinking ship. Together we may yet survive .

[steelwork]

I feel so embarrassed, I feel like how could I ever tell a new partner, about what happened. I mean, I have never really discussed past relationships with current partners, besides the "basics". But I feel like how would anyone ever see me as worthy after finding out my ex fiance, of 5.5 years, cheated on me for months, then I found out, not even from her, and never heard from her again.

Step outside yourself and think: if you met someone and got close to them and they told you their last relationship ended in the way yours did, how would you react?

If you're like me, you would feel compassion. You might wonder if they had processed the hurt enough to be in a new relationship. But I don't believe you would see them as unworthy. I know I wouldn't.

[pjstock42]

GoingBack,

I often have the same feelings of embarrassment and just generally feeling ashamed of myself for where my life is now as a result of being involved with this person. This person has been with me at family events and now I will have to face those people on my own, probably having to explain to some extent what happened. A lot of this is our own ego / sense of pride hurting, we were so sure about something that it led us to making this person a part of everything in our lives and now they are suddenly gone.

I also have fears of telling a potential romantic partner about this in the future. I'm so hyper-sensitive to red flags now that I often wonder, what if I tell this to a new partner and they see it as a red flag about me, like I'm some kind of 'damaged goods' now? I don't know, perhaps I'm over-thinking it but I totally understand the shame and embarrassment of being in this situation.

[GoingBack2OC]

 Thanks to  Stripey77,  naguma  steelwork  pjstock42 for your responses.

Its tough because I did leave a few voicemails, where I flat out apologized for my wrongdoings in the relationship. I was really humble about it. I always have been, this relationship included, willing to see when I am wrong, and apologize. She would never apologize. I mean- never. So I apologized, I told her I forgave her. I don't want to hold anger inside, I know it's over. I knew it was over before I found out. I was I think just desperately holding on to a no-win situation. She was telling me "I love you". Begging me to stay... .when I tried to say this isn't working, literally, saying these things... .while she was already hooking up with someone else. It's like "wow I was really stupid". Honestly, I think that was her plan. I really do.

I told her, maybe about 2-3 weeks prior to me finding out about her cheating, that I missed the days when we were just ok, and we'd just talk, and she'd play with my hair-- like run fingers through it as we chatted.

The last time I saw her was unexpected, she dropped everything and came over. We layed down for a bit, and for the first time in years, she was so sentimental, so sweet. She played with my hair, got teary eyed. But then, she had to leave.

I found out a few days later. And after I heard... .not a word since. I think, she planned for it. She knew it would devestate me. She knew just what to do-- to offer what I missed... .Talking, just talking, and being together. Then cut it short. Left. And that was it.

Leaving me with finding out- not from her, but from him.

So I called, a lot over the last month. No angry messages. I apologized. Asked to please talk. I've forgiven her. I do forgive her. I think she honestly, is a really beautiful girl, with so much shame inside. She was never truthful. She told me towards the end how she does tell certain people one thing, other people something else. She doesnt just lie, she makes up crazy stories. She has problems. Big ones.

I imagine part of the ghosting is because I spoke to her current guy, my replacement, she is being extra careful, because he knows something is up.

I told him, dude- we were intimately together last week (when i found out). I think he was like... .um what?

I honestly don't care about him. If anything, if he sticks it out, which he likely will (it honestly surprised me who she replaced me with- if anything it was the one thing that made me feel not so bad). But he will get destroyed. Because I can see now, looking back, her entire time with me, she was always eyes wide open, to the idea someone better could come along. Like opportunist type.

Anyways-- yea it sucks. Feels deliberate. The way she did it. Like she wanted to hurt me.

I know she's angry I emailed her Dad. I did say sorry for that. I told him she needed help. Like real help. I think she has created a fictional life for her parents as well. They had no clue we were still together - for 6 months. So she is now in the eyes of her parents seen as a liar.

So theres that too, resentment. I revealed her.

But it still hurts. I don't know if I'll hear from her, ever.

I honestly dont know how I'll feel by the time she calls if she does. I'm not banking on it. I need to move on. I know that.

Its just a lot to process. And the embarrassment thing, yea it sucks. It's like telling your family and friends, yea- she was cheating on me for months. Not exactly something to be proud of. Especially after 5.5 years.

Day by day... .well, right now, minute by minute. Hanging on.

[pjstock42]

From an objective point of view, it's pretty hard to imagine yourself in a position where your partner cheats on you but YOU end up being the on apologizing, isn't yet? Yet sadly, I understand it because that is how mentally and emotionally backwards you can end up as a result of this experience. Your boundaries / moral compass / belief in your own sanity are all totally wiped out and you kind of just have to start building it back up by your own from nothing.

[GoingBack2OC]

From an objective point of view, it's pretty hard to imagine yourself in a position where your partner cheats on you but YOU end up being the on apologizing, isn't yet? Yet sadly, I understand it because that is how mentally and emotionally backwards you can end up as a result of this experience. Your boundaries / moral compass / belief in your own sanity are all totally wiped out and you kind of just have to start building it back up by your own from nothing.

Oh completely. I agree. But at the same time, I am guilty as well. I ignored red flags... .that is my mistake. Free will is involved. I could have left. And I did. But she begged for a month straight to rekindle and forgive, my mistake.

And I also did things too, typically out of absolute frustration. The silent treatment in particular. It could be the tiniest fight, about nothing, and she would vanish. Days, a week, two weeks, and over that time, of course I'd be hurt, angry, say things. I'd end up being the guilty one. It's an amazing concept really, from her point of view. To shift blame like that.

But regardless. I wanted to walk away... .even if I'm the one being shamed. I wanted to walk away knowing I apologized for things I knew were wrong of me. I wanted to acknowledge that... .and also forgive. She's sick in a way. She honestly, has real problems. Problems that bled into my life and caused absolute destruction.

But by forgiving her, I feel my conscious is clear. I know in the end I did the right thing. I admitted my mistakes, apologized, and forgave hers, for cheating. Lying. Ghosting.

I can't imagine being in her position. But if she feels good about it, then that's her way of living.

Does it hurt? A lot. I think it will for a long while. But I will heal. And one day, I'll feel indifferent to it, I know that will happen, it will just take time.

I now, because I apologized, and I forgave her, do not feel guilty at all. I feel in the end, she really is all the wrong; and I in the end got wounded... .but really dodged a bullet.

I might have married her. Wow.

[pjstock42]

I took the same path as you and forgave my BPD ex in our last contact before I instituted NC. It's hard to say if I was really in a place at that time to forgive her for all of the horrible things she did to me when it was all so fresh. However; I said it because I knew that i wanted to get there eventually and I knew that I would be going into NC so there wouldn't be a chance to say it later. You are right that we should have no guilt and forgiving them rather than harboring perpetual resentment will really help us to reach in difference in time.

I also don't know how my ex can do these things to people and continue to live her life with a seemingly clear conscience but like you said, that is her way of living. We definitely dodged a bullet and that is something that I've thought about a lot. As much as this pain hurts and seems like it won't go away, it could be a LOT worse.

My ex is 31 and she wants kids so I'm really scared for the next guy or whomever the guy is who ends up taking things all the way to marriage and kids with her while she is motivated by her ticking biological clock. Hell, I was on my way to doing this and had no reservations about it so I can see why there will be someone else eager to do it as well. I can only imagine what this situation would feel like if there were divorce papers and children added into the mix... .

[Lilyroze]

  GoingBack20C,

I wanted to thank you so much for reaching out and your messages to me in DM, so sorry haven't responded yet, well tough topic for me as you know. So have faced and will have a response soon, as well as you can read my topic on it.

I can resonate with lots that you wrote on a couple of your threads. I decided to come in here instead of DM as on this post, wanted to run a few things by you.

After being brokenhearted before. I never felt so broken, in a way that I dont know how to fix.

I feel so embarrassed. Like I want no one to know. Its shameful in many ways.

I can understand how hard that must be. I support you in healing it.  Realize there is no shame in trying to forgive, give grace, be the better one. There is no shame in anything you did to try. Having said that though maybe now you might see with her lack of love, respect or behavior maybe you can reserve that now for yourself and someone who would appreciate it better.

Self love, self respect and self care all begin with self. You need and deserve that. Once you can give that back to yourself or a little better, then you will have more to give to others and the perfect love match when it comes.

Now have some thoughts for you. I went to the store to find you some heart band-aids but alas there is none, but I can offer you what FF did to me. This is your heart you must protect it.  

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

As the heart beats, it pumps blood through a system of blood vessels, it carries oxygen and nutrients away from your heart, to your body's tissues. If you leave it broken you will end up like myself and some with some heart issues. Trust me you don't want to go there. I am healing and well will be better then ever so all is good.

Just keep going, eat right, exercise, breathe through this, and take care of you.

Could by chance your continually trying is because you had someone in your life growing up who made you the scape goat, or you always had to fix it? My Mom did that to me. I have forgiven her years ago but still carried some grief of how to fix. I still was happy, loving and loved my life but made it hard at times.

I have had a couple huge changes in my life once I realized this, and once I could put a  name of the disorder BPD/NPD to my Mom and sbxBPD. I can now not take to heart ( again we know right where we took it), the hurt, grief or need to fix something that was not ours to fix.

Now someone did point this out to me and has helped me, I have done all types of love and energy work over the years and that has helped immensely.

 'Stop trying to 'fix' yourself; you're NOT broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure. Steve Maraboli

But the breaking and different point of growth for me now that has made my life even better in joy, is love. Love for myself enough to not have to transmute their pain or fix it or even take it to heart. But love for myself to put it back where it belongs, love and accept them even if from afar ( Mom and ex) and myself to love life.

I have also had a chance recently to want to fix and go forward with something in my life. I have reached out to hurt, but realized the difference is yes went to put the person first again as natural. Then said no, I am trying to apologize, though they need to as well, really apologize... .But also I am now putting myself first to love me, putting God in charge, and well approached for this time out of Love. Real love of wanting to work on something because it was and is love.

There is a difference of having someone love you for what you can do for them vs loving you for you. I have experienced this and that is what I the kind of situation I would be willing again to keep trying for not the other.

So look within see what you need to heal, and forgive yourself for putting up with in life. Who in your life might have put you in the position to have learned that. Then give yourself the gift to heal that, learn from it and move forward.

You deserve love, you deserve conversation and not be ignored, silent treatment or ghosting. You deserve the gift of transmuting the pain of hurt into self love and love you can share. She couldn't give that to you, didn't mean you didn't deserve better.

So do some goals for you, start with self love, mindfulness, your higher power, some things that bring you joy.

Then search your heart and mind for love and a relationship of love will eventually come to you, and you will be ready for it.

    again thank you for reaching out, your thoughts and kindness. I will respond to that soon with some thoughts.