Sponsor believes I'm hanging on to chaos on purpose...

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

Talked to my sponsor today, he told me it was my pride and thinking I'm better than my exgf when I talk about her.

He believes I'm looking for pity and attention and I'm hanging on to chaos because my life is going well now and I get bored.

He's referring to my reading the hurtful emails the other day then running out to tell everyone how mean she is.

He said it don't matter, I've been told to not read the bs so stop reading the bs.

Just have to accept there's nothing I can do to change her

She's going to hate me until she finds someone else to focus on.

Went NC, I cannot function after communication with her, I have yet to learn the skills of not letting her harm me.

She lives in her own reality and I couldn't stay there any longer

[fromheeltoheal]

I have yet to learn the skills of not letting her harm me.

So how's that going?  There are a lot of tools for doing just that here, have you been studying?

[JerryRG]

Hello fromheeltoheal

I have been learning, slowly learning and I do well but once in a while I break and try revenge.

I tell my exgf to get help and get well, really heal.

She tells me I'm worthless and how happy she is.

Both using control

[fromheeltoheal]

Nice Jerry!  Good awareness and I understand; I wanted revenge with my ex too for a while, anger and a desire for retribution are normal responses to abuse and disrespect.  So what do you do get yourself out of it when you break?

[Mutt]

Hi Jerry,

I think that it's good to get validation. Everyone wants to be heard. I don't know your sponsor and if he can truly empathize with you when it comes to a r/s with a pwBPD.

Your OP. That takes courage to report to us what your sponsor said.

I tell my exgf to get help and get well, really heal.

Are you having a hard-time letting go? Do you have feelings for her?

[JerryRG]

Hi fromheeltoheal

I guess I get to tell her what I really think about her getting the real help she needs. The truth about her that everyone else knows but she denies. I used to get angry but I'm slowly giving up any hope for her. She lives in her version of reality where anything she thinks or feels is real.

Hello Mutt

I do have feelings for her, they cycle from hate to pity to disgust to anger, resentment, and around again. I seldom can find any reason to admire her or like her. I'm not there yet, someone once asked if I were grateful for her giving birth to our son, I am, I also remember her blaming me for abusing drugs while she was 3 months pregnant with our son. Our son has a very noticeable flat spot on the back of head, because she neglected him and left him sleeping for 24 hours a day in a wet crib.

He has to live with this and I'm sure be teased, why? Because of his mother and her not allowing me in his life and not listening to my pleas to help shape his beautiful skull.

Yes sometimes I hate her, living off his cs with her bf living there free while I pay for it. Thinking about it angers me and I do hate her for being the BPD narc b#### she truly is. She has absolutely no good qualities and no one likes her, not even her mother or father. She has burned every bridge in her life.

I have yet to find one person who can say one nice thing about her

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Jerry-

I guess I get to tell her what I really think about her getting the real help she needs. The truth about her that everyone else knows but she denies. I used to get angry but I'm slowly giving up any hope for her. She lives in her version of reality where anything she thinks or feels is real.

You notice how everything in this post is her, her, her?  Is it possible to imagine you control how you feel by what you make things mean, and it really has nothing to do with her?  Responsibility man.

[JerryRG]

Could you explain further? I don't understand and thank you

[Mutt]

Hi Jerry,

Have you checked the lessons to the right of the board?

I do have feelings for her, they cycle from hate to pity to disgust to anger, resentment, and around again.

Attachment leads to suffering. Detachment leads to freedom.

Heel mentioned control. A goal could be to become indifferent with her behaviors, you neither like it or hate it. Another goal could be that you want to reach the freedom stage where she won't have this type of control over you and you won't think about her and move past this.

[JerryRG]

Oh I agree with that, I want her out of my life for good, my thoughts too. I try to communicate with her and get the lies, manipulation and threats and her happiness and how horrible a father I am.

I have to simply stop communication altogether or be strong enough to deflect the hate. I'm not there yet.

This is why I've walked away from her and my son in the past, she isn't worth my time or energy. And last time I emailed her I said all communication stops until she stops the silly threats and lies.

I cannot subject myself to her painful remarks when I'm doing my best, I'm sick as hell right now from chemo and missing work and the daycare bills are pilling up while she sits on her ass making up excuses to not have to work or care for our son.


I'm striving for indifference, and I'm getting there and thank you for your help Mutt. I know I need to work on myself and leave her memory in the dust.

[Mutt]

Hi Jerry,

I try to communicate with her and get the lies, manipulation and threats and her happiness and how horrible a father I am.

This will eventually die down. We need to put the boundaries on ourselves, if she does X then I respond with Y. I understand how difficult it can be to change our responses but it gets easier with time until it becomes second nature.

My ex to this day still thinks that I'm a terrible father, she's emotionally immature and if she's floundering she'll cast the blame on someone else. I'm not a terrible dad. She can say what she wants about me but my actions speak for themselves with people that know me and the kids. Who looks bad? Does she look good if she's always pointing the finger at me? It doesn't make sense to people if the kids enjoy their time with dad and they're well behaved.

You have the right idea with minimizing contact and choose what is valid to respond back to and ignore what is invalid. Make it a goal to work on your boundaries and responses.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Mutt

I totally agree

This is her email from last Friday:

And (bf) is more of a dad then you ever will be to our son. U r to much if (son) friend then a parent.

See how hurtful she's trying to be? And last night at parenting class I brought this up and the facilitator told me there's different parenting styles but being the dominent ruler she is and the kind understanding approach I choose, I stand a better chance at my children trusting me and then coming to me with their problems.

My other children all love me and we have great relationships. So yes, I'm far from perfect but I do my best.

[Mutt]

Hi Jerry,

I stand a better chance at my children trusting me and then coming to me with their problems.

Your ex can't take that away from you, kids trust you through your actions, they're always watching us. Some things slip through the cracks but as you say we do our best. My son's psychologist yesterday said that if we do 20% we're doing a good job.

And (bf) is more of a dad then you ever will be to our son. U r to much if (son) friend then a parent.

She's trying to bait, don't JADE. The more that you don't JADE, the less that she will try to attempt to bait you because she'll know that she can't illicit a response. It take work and it takes time.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Jerry-

To clarify:

You originally said: I have been learning, slowly learning and I do well but once in a while I break and try revenge.  I tell my exgf to get help and get well, really heal.

And I asked: So what do you do to get yourself out of it when you break?

And you said: I guess I get to tell her what I really think about her getting the real help she needs. The truth about her that everyone else knows but she denies. I used to get angry but I'm slowly giving up any hope for her. She lives in her version of reality where anything she thinks or feels is real.

So the point was that when you "break" as you call it, it becomes all about her and you seek revenge.  If you can develop tools to get yourself out of that emotional state, my making it mean something different, then you won't be looking for revenge and making her sick and at fault, in fact what she does would be irrelevant.  Does that make sense?

[JerryRG]

Thank you Mutt

She's told me after she's married her bf will be his step dad and they will be the perfect little family.

This inferiates me to no end.

She is one mean, sick person

Anyway yes, JADE.

I hate her, I really do and one day I won't care at all because she's sick, she always will be and our son will want to be with someone healthy and that will be me.

Isn't this an attempt to replace me as my son's father?

Truly sick and reveals her heart

[Turkish]

I hate her, I really do and one day I won't care at all because she's sick, she always will be and our son will want to be with someone healthy and that will be me.

 

What if someday it turns out that he suddenly wants to be with her?

This past year, D4 has suddenly latched onto her mom so much that she always complains about wanting to be with Mommy and living with her. She even suggested that S6 live with me and D4 with Mommy (girls vs boys?).

If so, what you do now will set up the foundation for a lasting impact to respond healthily, no matter what your son says, does, or feels.  Even if he doesn't it's likely that your son will pick up your anger.

[JerryRG]

So working on detachment and getting myself healthy is the way to go? She ramps things up when I ignore her attempts to get my attention, I will ignore her long sob stories for a while then I ask her to stop, then she gets angry and sends the horrible stuff.

I must work on myself and learn to not allow her to harm me.

I'm guessing she's angry that I didn't marry her? I broke off both engagements after she treated me so badly and disrespectful, I could only imagine how she would be after she was my wife. NO THANK YOU

[Mutt]

So working on detachment and getting myself healthy is the way to go?

That's a good plan. Your son's mother suffers from a difficult mental illness and your son needs stability, he needs an emotionally stable parent to fall back on. Your ex can't do that.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Mutt

It would help matters much more if she could see her own brokenness and instead of beating me up pretending she's fine, just get help. You are right, our son needs stability and she cannot provide it now.

I just have to work on myself, ignore her blows and remember she's sick. No matter what she says, my son is mine! That is a fact no one can change.

[Skip]

She's full blown BPD Waif, Diagnosed bipolar, ADHD, unrecovered drug addict. Her family believe she's using meth again.

This is a very broken, weak person that will eventually need to hit bottom before she starts to rise back up... .

Oh I agree with that, I want her out of my life for good, my thoughts too. I try to communicate with her and get the lies, manipulation and threats and her happiness and how horrible a father I am.

You have to let her go, Jerry. You're not doing that. You want to stay connected to her - its a very broken relationship, but its something you want and you are holding on to it.

There are lots of reason why you should let go.  There are lots of reasons that you refuse.

It might be helpful to list them here. Let's talk about it.

[JerryRG]

Hello Skip

I'm not aware of what I'm doing, I don't know what I want, I just want her to get well and leave me alone. I do hope one day we can get along, as of now she hates me and blames me and I cannot deal with her and her problems and try to care for our son and regain my health.

I don't always see what I'm doing or thinking, If I did I wouldn't have got caught up in this nightmare so easily and stayed so long and suffered so much. I definitely was not taking care of myself or our son.

Thanks for your help

[Skip]

I just want her to get well and leave me alone.

Respectfully, this seems very unrealistic. She an addict with underlying mental issues and she is the mother of your child.

Reality looks more like - She is spiraling downward and I have to learn to communicate with her to provide the best chance to raise my son.

Big difference, right?  Bigly. 

I think this is a topic to start on the Conflicted or parenting board. Skills on how to conduct basic parenting communications and reduce the triggering and ongoing conflict from the relationship.

The two of you are tearing each other down. It has to stop. You will likely need to lead.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Skip, I do feel lost in all this. I don't even ask the right questions. And running away isn't the answer, I know.