Yes that is what I am saying

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am struggling on how I should convey my ideas and thoughts to words for uBPDw. The discussion is almost never ending.

"I hate that we did this, I  hate we did that, I hate you for not fulfilling my needs emotionally and physically. I hate that you don't even thing to do something about it. I absolutely HATE EVEYRTHING!"

You the basic I hate  the world fix it for me conversation. I know full well I can not and should not be able to do this for her. So in my attempt at response I thought I would seek some clarity. I basically validated her and her feelings. I expressed understand about how they are affecting her. I said I am sensing her hate is becoming a lot more dominant towards how she is feeling about things and that I can not be the only one to make some changes.

She was clear about that I was absolutely the one to makes these changes only. And that I need to find a way regardless of how she is feeling to be a loving and romantic person to make her feel appreciated and loved. Not matter how much she hates me or is angry or not feeling happy I must ignore that and be happy to love her and make he feel better.

I know I have ranted on here a lot about similar things but I just need to know how to communicate my real feelings and have the guts to express them to her and not sugar coat them to try to get her from being more upset. That just isn't working.

[Cipher13]

I am struggling on how I should convey my ideas and thoughts to words for uBPDw. The discussion is almost never ending.

"I hate that we did this, I  hate we did that, I hate you for not fulfilling my needs emotionally and physically. I hate that you don't even thing to do something about it. I absolutely HATE EVEYRTHING!"

You the basic I hate  the world fix it for me conversation. I know full well I can not and should not be able to do this for her. So in my attempt at response I thought I would seek some clarity. I basically validated her and her feelings. I expressed understand about how they are affecting her. I said I am sensing her hate is becoming a lot more dominant towards how she is feeling about things and that I can not be the only one to make some changes.

She was clear about that I was absolutely the one to makes these changes only. And that I need to find a way regardless of how she is feeling to be a loving and romantic person to make her feel appreciated and loved. Not matter how much she hates me or is angry or not feeling happy I must ignore that and be happy to love her and make he feel better.

I know I have ranted on here a lot about similar things but I just need to know how to communicate my real feelings and have the guts to express them to her and not sugar coat them to try to get her from being more upset. That just isn't working.

[michel71]

I think that is just the point my friend. IMO our feelings don't matter when it comes to our BPDs or at least they cannot relate to them on a level that healthy partners can.
My feelings matter to my uBPDw when it comes to things that don't affect her or are about her. Like if my dog got sick, she would know and understand that I am hurting and that would concern her. She could have empathy for me ( or at least convey it).
If I am upset that her daughter for the 100th time left dryer sheets all over the floor when she got her clothes out of the dryer, my uBPDw could not relate to my frustration and would say that the problem is mine for getting so worked up over it.
God forbid that I call my uBPDw on some of her behavior. It is all the way projection then.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, this is one of the most troubling things to me about living with a BPD partner. He is so emotionally expressive and his needs, feelings, resentments, angers, bitterness, criticisms are SO important.

I'm very stoic and self-contained. Growing up with a BPD mother, I learned not to trust others with my feelings and vulnerabilities, so I keep everything close to the vest. In my unguarded moments if I dare to express a negative feeling that somehow involves him, then his response is something like, "You always criticize me," "You hate me," "I'm not always bad," ":)on't you appreciate anything?"

It's at the point where I realize it's not worth trying to have a real conversation about my feelings. Either he's not interested or he takes it as criticism about him. So I save those real conversations for my friends and my monthly meeting with my therapist. It's much easier that way. I'm sad that I don't have a real relationship with him like I could have with a non, but I've never had one either, so it's not like I know what I'm missing.

[empath]

For me, it is anything that could remotely be considered to be about him in any way; it will be twisted into something about him... .  So, some of my most passionate subjects are off limits for discussion with him. In the past several years, I've been working on developing a group of people with whom I can share to some extent; my outside relationships are far more intimate than within my marriage right now.

What we have are not normal relationships, and we can't expect 'normal' interactions.

[satahal]

She was clear about that I was absolutely the one to makes these changes only. And that I need to find a way regardless of how she is feeling to be a loving and romantic person to make her feel appreciated and loved. Not matter how much she hates me or is angry or not feeling happy I must ignore that and be happy to love her and make he feel better.

I know I have ranted on here a lot about similar things but I just need to know how to communicate my real feelings and have the guts to express them to her and not sugar coat them to try to get her from being more upset. That just isn't working.

I can remember similar conversations with my now expwBPD. He basically demanded I be loving, affection and sexual with him no matter how horribly he'd been behaving towards me. If didn't do this, his behavior would escalate. For years I'd bite the bullet, have sex with him, cuddle with him, etc after some nasty treatment. It felt like cuddling a giant reptile. But it was the only thing that would break his bad mood so I sucked it up. I got to a point where I couldn't do it anymore. It was deeply violating to have to not only endure mistreatment but be solicitous and loving without even an apology or any transition period.

For a while it worked to explain that it was hard to want to be close to someone who was being insulting, who was drunk, who was yelling, etc. I explained I would need him to be pleasant or at least neutral for some small period of time in order to be affectionate and loving towards him. This was a revelation for him - which is shocking - but at least he seemed to get it. For a time this approach was somewhat effective but it seemed like he was cycling through the process a lot quicker. It was a hamster wheel.

In my case it eventually fell apart but I think it did work for awhile.

[Cat Familiar]

He basically demanded I be loving, affection and sexual with him no matter how horribly he'd been behaving towards me. If didn't do this, his behavior would escalate. For years I'd bite the bullet, have sex with him, cuddle with him, etc after some nasty treatment.

Yep. I experienced this with my ex-husband. Over time, it really took out the joy from sex. It became more like a repulsive duty, like cleaning the bathroom.

Unfortunately the years that I experienced this with my ex have really damaged me in the present with my current husband. When we first got together, we had wonderful and frequent sex. Then when his BPD and alcohol abuse started to become more rampant, I got so turned off by him that I really didn't want to have any intimacy at all with him. It's unfortunate because he's truly a nice guy, unlike the first husband, yet the substance abuse and BPD has been such a reminder of what I went through in the first marriage. I'm slowly unraveling this and a big part of me getting turned off was that I felt like I got the old bait and switch once again--you know the Dr. Jeckyl, Mr. Hyde. I thought I had married the most wonderful man (my soulmate--I'm gagging as I type this--how naive could I have been?) and then the inner a*hole surfaced and I realized that my dream man was an illusion. All in all, the reality of who he is, is pretty good. I'm disappointed about marrying another pwBPD, but given my FOO, it's understandable. So bit by bit, I'm losing my resentment and starting to cultivate my appreciation for him. It's a work in progress... .

[satahal]

Yep. I experienced this with my ex-husband. Over time, it really took out the joy from sex. It became more like a repulsive duty, like cleaning the bathroom.

Unfortunately the years that I experienced this with my ex have really damaged me in the present with my current husband. When we first got together, we had wonderful and frequent sex. Then when his BPD and alcohol abuse started to become more rampant, I got so turned off by him that I really didn't want to have any intimacy at all with him. It's unfortunate because he's truly a nice guy, unlike the first husband, yet the substance abuse and BPD has been such a reminder of what I went through in the first marriage. I'm slowly unraveling this and a big part of me getting turned off was that I felt like I got the old bait and switch once again--you know the Dr. Jeckyl, Mr. Hyde. I thought I had married the most wonderful man (my soulmate--I'm gagging as I type this--how naive could I have been?) and then the inner a*hole surfaced and I realized that my dream man was an illusion. All in all, the reality of who he is, is pretty good. I'm disappointed about marrying another pwBPD, but given my FOO, it's understandable. So bit by bit, I'm losing my resentment and starting to cultivate my appreciation for him. It's a work in progress... .

Yes, I get the bathroom duty  We used to have a great sex life too - except he wanted more than I did. I kept up the pace for probably 7 years but it became exhausting and it got so the smell of alcohol on his breath just revolted me. I suspect if I ever have a r/s again I'll be easily triggered by any reminders - particularly the smell of booze on someone's breath. Not sure I'll ever be okay with that again.

I also have FOO issues that have primed me for BPD folks - my dad and sister both had BPD quite badly. It surprises me more that my first husband was so normal than it does that the last two had personality disorders

I would likely cope with someone with BPD if there was no abuse. I certainly hope not to meet up with one again though. I'm not sure how many aren't somewhat abusive - I just don't know. Of the 5 I know personally with the diagnosis - a small sample - I think one for sure isn't abusive and another, isn't classically abusive but cheats and that sort of thing. My sister and father were violent, crazy jealous and just overall nightmares and my partner was similar to my dad and sister - really very similar to my dad, not quite as bad as my sister.

[Cat Familiar]

... .it got so the smell of alcohol on his breath just revolted me.

I totally get this one and added to that, the slurry speech and the uncoordinated movements. Thankfully I haven't seen him in that state for ages, but it used to be a regular occurrence. I often thought about videoing him on my phone and showing it to him, but I realized that it would merely increase his shame burden and the resentment he harbored toward me for getting on his case about drinking.

But if they could actually see how we see them (and smell them), how on earth could they possibly imagine that we'd be attracted enough to get naked with them? It boggles the mind... .