So now I'm getting passive threats

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

his professional life is good but personal life is a mess.

Now I'm getting passive threats.

He wants to keep 50/50 custody but seeing that he's unstable/highly suasidal and in a different country that isn't going to work, I fear for out child's life and at a time my own, He told me if I file for custody he will fight to get sole custody and as he says "the courts will be in my favour so you better not file cause I'll end up getting him".

I never  imagined I'd be in the situation.


If you read my other posts I want him to be in his child life. If never shut him out. But I do believe for his safety and the fact that he lives with me in my/out(he's born here) country I should get sole.


What should I do. I don't see it happening (him getting sole) but I've seen a lot of unfair official custody orders that sadly ended up to be horrible. Eg, unstable parent lost it and "accidentally" harmed the child.

[Dontknow88]

his professional life is good but personal life is a mess.

Now I'm getting passive threats.

He wants to keep 50/50 custody but seeing that he's unstable/highly suasidal and in a different country that isn't going to work, I fear for out child's life and at a time my own, He told me if I file for custody he will fight to get sole custody and as he says "the courts will be in my favour so you better not file cause I'll end up getting him".

I never  imagined I'd be in the situation.


If you read my other posts I want him to be in his child life. If never shut him out. But I do believe for his safety and the fact that he lives with me in my/out(he's born here) country I should get sole.


What should I do. I don't see it happening (him getting sole) but I've seen a lot of unfair official custody orders that sadly ended up to be horrible. Eg, unstable parent lost it and "accidentally" harmed the child.

[ForeverDad]

First, do your reasonable best.  No one expects you to be Superwoman.

Also, don't withhold helpful information from the court.  Hiding his poor behaviors will be self-sabotaging.  You may feel bad about reporting or disclosing his mental health history and suicidal comments and actions, but for your child's welfare the information needs to be included with what the court considers.

I don't know the countries involved so I can't speculate on how the courts in your country, or his, will work or how fair they are.

How far away is he?  Is it practical to make bi-weekly or weekly exchanges?  I suspect not.  If he's distant he may have to settle for the longer school holidays and extra time in the summers.

Whatever else happens, do your best to stand firm on this boundary:  You have physical custody (or are Residential Parent) at least to the extent that your child when older attends schools in your area with you as the official responsible parent.  PwBPD are prone to move frequently, you don't want to be hopscotching around the world following your Ex just to have contact with your son and his schools.

In addition to being viewed as the Primary Parent, you want legal issues to be minimized.  That means you don't want to go to court for every impasse on major issues such as medical, school or religion.  So if you can't get full custody then get the next best status which is Decision Making or Tie Breaker.  Effectively that is very close to full custody but allows him to feel involved since it would be a limited form of joint custody.

[Dontknow88]

First, do your reasonable best.  No one expects you to be Superwoman.

Also, don't withhold helpful information from the court.  Hiding his poor behaviors will be self-sabotaging.  You may feel bad about reporting or disclosing his mental health history and suicidal comments and actions, but for your child's welfare the information needs to be included with what the court considers.

I don't know the countries involved so I can't speculate on how the courts in your country, or his, will work or how fair they are.

How far away is he?  Is it practical to make bi-weekly or weekly exchanges?  I suspect not.  If he's distant he may have to settle for the longer school holidays and extra time in the summers.

Whatever else happens, do your best to stand firm on this boundary:  You have physical custody (or are Residential Parent) at least to the extent that your child when older attends schools in your area with you as the official responsible parent.  PwBPD are prone to move frequently, you don't want to be hopscotching around the world following your Ex just to have contact with your son and his schools.

In addition to being viewed as the Primary Parent, you want legal issues to be minimized.  That means you don't want to go to court for every impasse on major issues such as medical, school or religion.  So if you can't get full custody then get the next best status which is Decision Making or Tie Breaker.  Effectively that is very close to full custody but allows him to feel involved since it would be a limited form of joint custody.

Ok I won't hold anything back.

No it is not possible to make exchanges (do you mean eg, him getting our son for a weekend? If so that's the problem, I don't think out son will be safe with him. His dad is easily angered and self harms so I'm nowhere near ok with him getting him alone. I'm all for visits though, as often as he likes, supervised visits would be best especially if he's angry about the situation

[SamwizeGamgee]

Preserve copies of all the veiled threats too.  Maybe try to make most of your communications in e-mail, or other formats that can be preserved. 
Courts know we all wig-out from time to time, but if you can show a pervasive pattern of behavior, that will testify to the threats he is making.   A reasonable court should be able to identify the risks to the child.
Best wishes!

[Dontknow88]

Preserve copies of all the veiled threats too.  Maybe try to make most of your communications in e-mail, or other formats that can be preserved. 
Courts know we all wig-out from time to time, but if you can show a pervasive pattern of behavior, that will testify to the threats he is making.   A reasonable court should be able to identify the risks to the child.
Best wishes!

Thank you so much