Want my ex BPD back for good... she has painted me black

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Guys,

I have been on and off again with this girl for 3.5 years ... .6 break ups, I even hired her and fired her twice within my business.

I have been told she has a PD by a few of my psychology mates... .
Here's a few things that have happened in the past... .is she BPD or even worse... does she have multiple PD's

- We had a fight and broke up over the phone only 1 week before my mum died, she couldn't separate the anger and hate towards and didn't attend and gave me the silent treatment
- She sees things in black and white
- she says she is empty
- every time we break up, she turns into a terrible person
- she will buy me gifts and remind me about how good of GF she is all the time
- She flirts with the opposite sex all the time
- has no friends from the past
- has trouble keeping a job
- Family relationship is high maiantance
- she can pull up a message from the past faster then Google and say I have said this in the past... .
- her mum kept a diary of our fights
- her dad ignores her and on occasion has made sexual comments to her in front of me
- the dad seems very childish and has given me the silent treatment
- her mum seems to be an emotional manipulator
- she works out 3 hours a day and is so conscious about what she eats, cleans her self like a cat
- I think she may pull some of her hair out
- she got with me while I was married
- she plays the victim and told her family and friends and everyone in my business about our fights
- she would tell me 2 weeks before a break up she wanted to marry me and give me babies, and then break up when I am not available or stressed and not giving her enough attention ... .
- she constantly contradicts herself
- She will withhold sex to punish me
- when she breaks up, its seems more like punishment then what she really wants
- she has manipulated a lot of things in my business and with me
- little empathy
- Selfish , Vain
- cant negotiate
- devalues
- idealises

my question is, This has been going on for 3.5 years , 6 break up makes ups... .normally only lasting 3-6 weeks... .

I am now in week 7 , we have spoken , but she is projecting and very angry towards me, I did confront her over the phone , when she broke up with and said she needed help and that she may be BPD and NPD... .

Doing more research she may even fit Bi Polar and Anti Social PD... .people who meet her think she is fake and not real... .

even besides all the advice I have tried to repair the relationship and get her to see all the good and what we have been through... .do they detach? and is it for good?

some always come back... .I have been told by my therapist who has met her, it doesn't matter what I do, she will always come back... .eventually... its up to me to end it... .

now she is getting a wolf tattoo down her side and I am moving to San Fran from Sydney in just over a week... .I am really worried about her... .she acts normal in our relationship and when we break up, she acts very adolescent ... .

is there anyway to snap them out of this... does she sound BPD... .any advise to sorting this out quickly... .I don't care how low I have to go ... .I am concerned about her health and If I am not there she is so destructive and will cause herself only pain and grief... .

[stewlion07]

Hi Guys,

I have been on and off again with this girl for 3.5 years ... .6 break ups, I even hired her and fired her twice within my business.

I have been told she has a PD by a few of my psychology mates... .
Here's a few things that have happened in the past... .is she BPD or even worse... does she have multiple PD's

- We had a fight and broke up over the phone only 1 week before my mum died, she couldn't separate the anger and hate towards and didn't attend and gave me the silent treatment
- She sees things in black and white
- she says she is empty
- every time we break up, she turns into a terrible person
- she will buy me gifts and remind me about how good of GF she is all the time
- She flirts with the opposite sex all the time
- has no friends from the past
- has trouble keeping a job
- Family relationship is high maiantance
- she can pull up a message from the past faster then Google and say I have said this in the past... .
- her mum kept a diary of our fights
- her dad ignores her and on occasion has made sexual comments to her in front of me
- the dad seems very childish and has given me the silent treatment
- her mum seems to be an emotional manipulator
- she works out 3 hours a day and is so conscious about what she eats, cleans her self like a cat
- I think she may pull some of her hair out
- she got with me while I was married
- she plays the victim and told her family and friends and everyone in my business about our fights
- she would tell me 2 weeks before a break up she wanted to marry me and give me babies, and then break up when I am not available or stressed and not giving her enough attention ... .
- she constantly contradicts herself
- She will withhold sex to punish me
- when she breaks up, its seems more like punishment then what she really wants
- she has manipulated a lot of things in my business and with me
- little empathy
- Selfish , Vain
- cant negotiate
- devalues
- idealises

my question is, This has been going on for 3.5 years , 6 break up makes ups... .normally only lasting 3-6 weeks... .

I am now in week 7 , we have spoken , but she is projecting and very angry towards me, I did confront her over the phone , when she broke up with and said she needed help and that she may be BPD and NPD... .

Doing more research she may even fit Bi Polar and Anti Social PD... .people who meet her think she is fake and not real... .

even besides all the advice I have tried to repair the relationship and get her to see all the good and what we have been through... .do they detach? and is it for good?

some always come back... .I have been told by my therapist who has met her, it doesn't matter what I do, she will always come back... .eventually... its up to me to end it... .

now she is getting a wolf tattoo down her side and I am moving to San Fran from Sydney in just over a week... .I am really worried about her... .she acts normal in our relationship and when we break up, she acts very adolescent ... .

is there anyway to snap them out of this... does she sound BPD... .any advise to sorting this out quickly... .I don't care how low I have to go ... .I am concerned about her health and If I am not there she is so destructive and will cause herself only pain and grief... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

If she has BPD then there is little you can do. Certainly there is nothing you can do to make her "snap out of it". Even trying to get her into therepy is almost impossible. She is responsible for her own life, and while it is great that you care for her and want the best - her life is HER decision.

What do you want to do about the relationship?

Your subject says you want to make it work, but you also say it's up to you to end it. Again, you can only control YOU. If you want to make it work there are many tools you can use to make things better - but these tools are all about YOU - helping YOU cope, helping YOU be healthy and helping YOU to stop making things worse. But nothing can help HER get better - that needs to be her choice.

[stewlion07]

I want to get her back and I want to get help... Being a better partner to her...

She just got a tattoo , just to upset me ... .How do you communicate with this person and how do you draw her back in and help her ?

There has to me some method, as. I know she lover me ... .And I know she is just punishing me

[Decade]

Hi. I know you're hurting and I know you want to 'love her better', but your email filled me with dread, and fear for your emotional well being. There is a world of emotionally functioning people out there. You don't have to live with such a list of horrors as noted. Good luck. Dx

[Littleicecream]

As someone with family with BPD, you can't fix them or be better for them.   I even got a degree in social work, got licensed and I still can't fix my family . That's because no one will change unless they want to. If your ex BPD is punishing you, then she isn't being fair to you either.

She doesn't have multiple personalities, it's really rare. You say she acts normal in your relationship, but adolescent when you break up. However, you mentioned a lot of things that don't seem normal, like negatively affecting your business, withholding sex to punish you, and from what you said, overall being manipulative.

So, from my experience, you have to look at yourself and really understand why you want a relationship that will continue to be dysfunctional. And I'd suggest you get therapy... .if we are okay with someone treating crappy but want to fix them, we aren't seeing them for who they are... .she has problems, but you do too.  You're trying to draw someone back who continues the hot and cold treatment with you. I second decade , I feel fear for your emotional well being.

[VitaminC]

Hi stewlion,

This has been going on for 3.5 years , 6 break up makes ups... .normally only lasting 3-6 weeks... .

It might be useful to have a look at this article:

Topic: POLL: Break-up/make-up cycles
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120215.0

I am now in week 7 , we have spoken , but she is projecting and very angry towards me, I did confront her over the phone , when she broke up with and said she needed help and that she may be BPD and NPD... .

This sounds hard to deal with. If she is angry and projecting, how are you dealing with it? 
Are you using any of the communication tools from this site?  -------> Check here in the sidebar to the right,  in Lessons 2. Tools: communication vaildation, and reinforcement of good behaviour

... .even besides all the advice I have tried to repair the relationship and get her to see all the good and what we have been through... .do they detach? and is it for good?

It is not often possible to make someone else see things the way that you see them, especially someone with BPD, especially someone with BPD who in the midst of an angry episode, if that's what it is.

I have been told by my therapist who has met her, it doesn't matter what I do, she will always come back... .eventually... its up to me to end it... .

Your therapist might be right, but as you say, he hasn't met her. Diagnosis at a distance is a matter of opinion. If you think he is right, and it is up to you to end - then that is what matters. Do you want to end it? Or do you think that because it's up to you, then that means that you have the power to continue it, no matter how unobliging (ex?) partner may be?  You can't make someone else do anything.

is there anyway to snap them out of this... does she sound BPD... .any advise to sorting this out quickly... .I don't care how low I have to go ... .I am concerned about her health and If I am not there she is so destructive and will cause herself only pain and grief... .

There is not really a way to "snap" someone out of something like this - not if it is an established pattern of behaviour with a disorder behind it.  The communication tools are very  useful, but you need patience and constant re-inforcement of what you are doing and why. It's not something that brings instant results.

Please look at this link:

The Do's and Don'ts for a BPD Relationship
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

Are you more concerned for her well-being or just focussed on being a couple?
Considering your own desires and role in this relationship, maybe from the point of view of co-dependency or care-taking may be helpful to you:

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-caretaking-borderline-or-narcissist

[Meili]

I'm really quite surprised that no one has asked about this:

I am moving to San Fran from Sydney in just over a week... .

Repairing things with and rebuilding/building a healthier relationship with a pwBPD takes time and consistency. It isn't something that you can really do in just over a week.

What are your plans regarding her after you move?

[stewlion07]

It's been 7 weeks ... She just posted getting a tattoo online... .

Normally we have sorted this out by now !

Maybe she has disconnected !

I wanted to retablish some sort of relationship before I go and build on it while I was overseas... .

She was supposed to come with me !

[Meili]

I'm not sure what the big deal is about the tattoo. Many people have them these days. It's her body, she's allowed to do with it as she chooses. Why is it causing you so much distress?

The fact that it is causing you this much distress tells me that you're focusing on her and what she's doing (both of which are completely out of your control) and not on what you are doing. You can only control what you are doing, so you should focus on that.

Why have you not contacted her?

[stewlion07]

I have tried to contact her , everytime we speak she puts me down and is telling me how great she is going without me ...


The tattoo is huge and she is showing half her breast on S pail media displaying ! It's a cry for attention ... .It has s dark quote to it ... .

[Littleicecream]

I don't think you can determine what it is and I don't know why you don't tke her word for it that she's okay. I think its her business what she does with her breasts on social media.

Also, I think you should maybe take a step back and take care of you right now.

[VitaminC]

Hi stewlion,

Are you trying to rescue her? Do you think she needs rescuing? Are you the only one who can do it? Is it possible that people have to figure some things out by themselves and no amount of help from others will fix it?

Can you tell us what your own motivation is?
a) To help another human being?
b) To have a relationship with this human being?
d) To fix this human being into being the kind of human being you think they could or should be?

Is there another possibility?


Here's a short thread on staying in and the different reasons people have. Are any of them similar to your reasons?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106914.0

[stewlion07]

All ,
I have known her for 4 years ! She is not ok at the moment and she is causing damage not only to her but her family ... .

She is being extremely mean and narcissistic towards me ... .Especially

I have taken a step back , i have always let her do Whatever she wants , when ever she wants ... .

I want to have a relationship with her . I want to learn how to be a better partner to her and how I can communicate better to her to fill her needs...

I know I will have sacrifice a lot for this and I am not trying to fix her , I am trying to understand her better ... .

I would love nothing more then to marry her ... .I have already bought the ring and I just want to sort this mess out and get on with life... .

I want to support her and allow her to be who ever she wants to be... .And I know she is happiest when she is with me , I in the past have pushed back and got agitated by her sending me up to 20 messages a day and calling me over an hour a day ... .5-10 calls ... .And have snapped at her !

She is a great partner ! Yes she isn't perfect, who is ... .

At night we where inseparable , we would hold each other tight all Night in bed , could never get close enough , when we went driving in the car , we would hold hands , non stop ! I just love her and I am lost without her...


I am afraid , I have pushed too hard this time and she won't come back ... .

I am traveling to SAn Fran from Aus in the next 10 days and I just want to start some type of Healthy communication ! So maybe we can work it out over the Next 3-6 months ... .

I know I would be more successful without her , but I am happy to sacrifice my success !

I am a very good man , and yes I have lied to her and I have pushed her away ... .But I didn't have the tools to understand or deal with it ... .

So I am asking

1) how do I communicate with her
2) how do I get her to come our her she'll and trust me again
3) we have broken up 6 times in 3.5 years ... .
4) her family do not like me as she plays the victim and tells them everything, can that hurdle be handled

I would fall into the nice guy category , but when she pushed me to the extremes I would lack empathy as it was very hard to handle ... .

We have an extreme passion and love for each other ... .

I was also going through a tough spot with money and my business ... .

I am now back on track financially ... .

What is the best way of attracted her back ? I have no doubt she is flirting with several guys and maybe even having sex ... .

Guys I love her and want to be a better partner and be there for her like no one else ... .

I don't want to fix her as I think she is perfect , even with the disorder and flaws ... .People are people ... .

I just love her with all my heart and soul !

[ArleighBurke]

So you want to have a long distance relationship - you in the USA and her in AUS?

That would be very difficult in a non-BPD relationship. In a BPD relationship - I don't know how it could work at all.

[Meili]

I would love nothing more then to marry her ... .I have already bought the ring and I just want to sort this mess out and get on with life... .

There really is no "mess" to sort out. She is who she is, you can either radically and completely accept her as she is, or not. If you do radically accept her, then you also accept what you are calling a "mess." I find it very confusing how you can proclaim her perfection, but also discuss how badly she treats you and refer to the situation that the two of you created as a "mess." If she were as perfect as you say, there would be no mess or poor treatment would there?

If she is a pwBPD, then you'll have to learn to deal with the emotional roller coaster that comes with the relationship cycles. It takes a very emotionally strong person to get survive and thrive in such relationships.

But I didn't have the tools to understand or deal with it ... .

So I am asking

1) how do I communicate with her
2) how do I get her to come our her she'll and trust me again
3) we have broken up 6 times in 3.5 years ... .
4) her family do not like me as she plays the victim and tells them everything, can that hurdle be handled

There are a lot of tools available on here for communicating in a more effective manner. Listening with empathy, not invalidating her, S.E.T., D.E.A.R.M.A.N., setting boundaries on communication, and learning to end conflict to name but a few.

It also helps to learn all that you can about pwBPD traits. It will help you understand some of the things that she does and why. You will then be in a better position to not take what comes at you personally.

What is the best way of attracted her back ?

You probably won't like this response, but the best way to attract her is by not trying to attract her. Give her the time and space to do what she needs to do. While she's doing that, you work on you. Things like learning the communication tools mentioned above. Figuring out why you allow yourself to be in a relationship where your SO is "extremely mean and narcissistic towards" you, and does all of the things that you have already listed. Determining why you accept such behaviors. Once you've figured out why, you can then stop them. This will make you a lot stronger and self-confident. Self-confidence is attractive; being a doormat is not.

[Skip]

Three things really stand out here:

I have tried to repair the relationship and get her to see all the good and what we have been through... .

I am moving to San Fran from Sydney in just over a week... .

is there anyway to snap them out of this... does she sound BPD... .any advise to sorting this out quickly... .

This frames your problem, somewhat. You are up against a deadline and you don't seem clued into what she is upset about.

The best thing right now is to accept that trying to convince her the relationship was good and do it on your timeline is not going to work. You will need to think of how to work this out on her time frame (how to work this without getting it resolved before you leave) and connect yourself to what is bothering her... .

Tell us - what is her beef?

Also, if things were better, would the immediate future be a long distance relationship?

[stewlion07]

Guys,

It's now week 7 of the break up and she is still very distant.

Looking over things , I admit that I too bought into the games ... .

After she broke up with me , I would try and figure out ways to fix the relationship... .And in the relationship I found myself lying , pushing her away ... .Every time she broke up with me , was because I was distant ... .

Now she is projecting on to me , saying things like she can't talk to me , I am hostile , I am defensive etc... .

Is it possible for me the non BPD to behave similar to her ? My emotions have been played with very hard and I have been used and abused and not valued at all for everything I have done for her ... .

I feel like I am the crazy one ! All my friends , family and psychologist friend who has met her , say she has a BPD or HPD ... .But I feel like the crazy one ... .I am the one constantly chasing , begging , pleading ... .

I know now I have the ability to give the rellationship a serious go !

Last 3 plus years have been tough for me , I have been through a divorce , have struggled to keep my business open , been borderline broke and my mother passed away , along with this she has broken up with 5-6 times and I continue to chase her !

I really do love her and want to be with her and I realise she will not change and I need to do the work on my end to better communicate with her and understand her needs... .

I relise if pursue this relationship I may not be as successful if o move on and I am ok with that... .

I love her so much and I don't won't a life without her on it ! So yes I know I have to change and do the work ... She is not violent and if I don't push her away she is extremely loving ... .Yes I am probably co dependant or something ... .And yes at the moment I feel crazy ... .

I employed her , paid way above what she should be paid and what she is getting paid now ... .I have supported her through depression and anxiety and been there ... I realise she is in capable of supporting me the way I do her and understanding my life issues...

I back on my feet abs  fortunate enough to hat back in front on the $$$ and have a new role in company in which we can live more normal lives ... .

I just want to learn to communicate better with her and be there to support, listen and be there for her in any way possible ... .

After all the ___ she has done , I am still in love with her and miss her everyday ... .

She was my best Friend ... .I don't care if she is demaged , limited or has PD... .She is who she is and I choose to be with her if she will ever allow me to... .

So team pleSs help me... .

[Meili]

Yes, it is possible for you to behave similar to her. In fact, it's quite common. The good news is that now that you are recognizing your actions, you can change them.

There are many great tools around here to help you do that also. A great place to start is with the links in the sidebar to the right of the screen. Things like being Wisemind'ed, listening with empathy, not invalidating, and not JADE'ing.

[stewlion07]

My problem is , I am leaving the country in 1 week from now ! How do I start and maintain and open up communication ?

How do I get over the hurdle of her thinking I am erratic And a game player ?

I have promised to change 3-4 times now and have always ended up being rude , distance and pushing her away as I was struggling wit money and a divorce and couldn't give 110%... .

I am absolutely shore I can give 110% now ... .And I have been reading and working on the tools listed !

Also if she has someone else in her life, which she won't tell me , how did I get over that hurdle?