Still tend to blame myself

[bus boy]

After Friday's episode, yesterday was a real struggle day. I still get that feeling it's my fault and I deserved to be talked to that way. I run my r/s through my brain and say it must be me, I'm just not a good person. She said, no one wants to be with me, everyone leaves me bc they don't want me, your son doesn't want to be with you, nobody does that's why your alone. Wow, writing those words stirred up a lot of emotion just now. So those words and more hurtful things she said flashes me back. She's been trying so hard to get me to cut back on my access time, she's done this since the very first court order. I always did as she wished to make things work but she never reciprocated anything back. I'm sticking hard to the new order and she's getting crazier. She started out very nice saying s9 is hurting, school is suffering, I talked to s9, everything was good, school said he's doing great, my T and the good people on these boards all said STICK TO THE ORDER. So I did. Her story never jives with s9's so I go with s9. So my mind goes back to old school thinking, am I the bad guy as she tells me?

[uniquename]

Sorry, bb, I haven't read your whole story but I do know that you should not trust what she's telling you. She's following the textbook on devaluation of you. When you picked up S9, she raged and you stayed calm, collected and polite. Try not to ruminate on it now when you know you were the healthy one in this situation. Sorry I don't have great advice on how to get it out of your head, I'm still going through guilt/shame even with NC, but I can see enough to tell you not to believe her assessment.

[woundedPhoenix]

I now kindof neutralize the devaluation speak with the things she used to say in idealization.

Turns out she actually contradicts herself.

"You are the most beautiful person i have ever met" <-> "you are toxic and evil"

"You can handle me so well" <-> "You can't handle me"

"I trust you totally" <-> "you are not to be trusted"

"You are so great with your kids" <-> "you are bad for your children"

Bet if you heard the negative, you also may have heard the opposite long before that... .

[bus boy]

In the beginning there was some positive but it didn't last long. All I ever heard was, I could never look after a family, we were never having children until I changed and fit her bill which I could never fill nor any human. How no good I was, I can go on but it confuses me bc I never heard those kind comforting words from her. I know love bombing is to set you up and than devalue but I really did not get the love bomb I was always pretty much made to feel inferior. She never lied about the horrable things she said she was going to do. She did them. It's like a more evil sinister element at work here. Like the same kind of feelings a cobra has for a mouse.

[lovenature]

Sounds to me like projection and making up her own reality to fit her current emotion of the moment; only natural that her version of things will differ from S9's and yours.

When you feel guilty and question if it was your fault, remember that while we played our part in the relationship, reality has proven who did what, and when a pwBPD devalues us they get validation and emotional soothing that an attachment is still in place by our reactions. Like others have said; best to be non-reactive and boring, and don't validate their poor behaviour.

You reacted well to her behaviour, remember that the disorder is so confusing and hurtful; we can easily question just about everything because we live day after day where things just don't make sense. You hear "I love you", actions are the opposite. You get closer and are pushed away, only to be pulled back. It takes time for our brains to process and get back to normal functioning. Focus on you, your son, and reality.

[bus boy]

Having a BPD person in our life, our brain never seems to stop processing. The push pull was a mind boggling experience and still is when I see how much I done for her, how good I was and am to my son and see her now giving everything including my son to her bf and he seems to be relishing his roll. I continue to be harassed by them but continue to take the high road. I just keep posting to get it all out of my head.

[Mutt]

Hi bus boy,

I'd like to add to what love nature said about guilt. It could be that your ex is feeling guilt because your son has two homes? It could also be a reason why she doesn't want you to have time with S9 but regardless of her feelings, it's about your son.

Your son has unconditional love for you and his mom and regardless of how mom and dad feel about each other, parents shouldn't interfere in the r/s that the child has with either parent.

[bus boy]

Hi Mutt, that is what I try to achieve but she is always trying to interfere in my r/s with s9. She is trying her best to make me a nothing in his life. S9 told me many times, mommy said not to listen to the things you tell me. She is as I said often lately, getting worse. My journal is full of her horrible actions, I've followed the order to a tee. She has done devious underhanded things over and over. I am being treated like I'm the one doing the devious acts.

[Mutt]

That would be difficult to handle when our kids are in the middle. I'm sorry to hear that your S9 is being put in the middle like this. Is he comfused?

[bus boy]

I would say he is confused. He use to tell me how much he missed me. My T said he reaching out to me, I had to take her back to court to get proper access. He has seem me alienated all his life but other people like xw father or since the last year her bf have full access to my son. I have never been validated by her to my son. He is getting older, he has been alienated from my family, s9 told me that his mother tells him all the time that she has to protect him from my family. Xw stopped in front of my sisters house with s9 and told him to get out and go stay with his aunt, he said he was crying and telling her he loved her and wanted to stay with her but she kept telling him to get out, if you want to visit them than you must want to stay with them. S9 told me she was acting real freaky and was begging her to let him stay with her. I actually saw her do this one time before, at my house. She was threatening to take him home, he was crying and begging her to let him stay.

[Mutt]

You're not a bad guy. Don't believe what your ex is saying. To her everyone in your family is a bad person, it's painting everyone in a broad brush stroke.

She's interfering with your S9 and the loving r/s's he's had since birth. You're doing the right thing with documenting her bad behavior and a child that is being alienated by parent needs love and nurturing from the emotionally stable parent. The best thing to do to diminish her power is by not responding to her.

[bus boy]

Thank you. I'm having a very emotional day. I've said this before but the depth of what's happening is sinking in. I am very heart broken for my son.

[Mutt]

Its sad but don't forget he has you for a model. Do fun things with him.