The thrill is gone...

[LadyEm]

My ex and I have been separated for over a year. She has ADD and BPD (she's actually the one that found this site during her I-Need-You-Back phase. When we met I was in an abusive relationship with a man fueled by cocaine and alcohol and I was easy pickings for her. She drew me in and we fell into a fairy tale that I thought would never end... .after 6 of the most volatile years of my life I finally had to end it. She has spent the past year swinging between desperately trying to get me back and anger towards me for ending it. My therapist has been treating me for PTSD and the feelings of fear I had are gone. She is now seeing someone else and so I thought that if she was busy idealizing her it would allow us to be friends. So I let her back in. I didn't realize she would be able to hurt me so badly more than a year later. I suppose it is the fact that I am no longer her ideal, she is cold and callous and I am struggling with how to deal with the anger that has left in me. When she realized she hurt me she apologized but when she realized I was angry about it she smirked then rubbed it in. I had never been in love like I was with her and I guess I'm mostly struggling with how a person could treat anyone the way she did me, let alone someone they claimed to love so much. All that time she spent trying to get me back into her life, was it all a calculated plan simply to hurt me as much as she says I hurt her when I left?

[woundedPhoenix]

Well, during the final weeks of our r/s my BPDex could tell me one minute she loved me and hold on to my arm and a minute later tell me with a smirk on her face "You know i am looking out for other guys, just haven't found one yet that's better then you."

It's absolute horror how they can push and pull in a split second.
I guess on one hand they can't let go of the attachment, on the other hand they probably are so hurt and triggered inside - ussually for reasons beyond our control - that instead of feeling bad themselves, they pass that feeling onto you, so they can smile.

It's hard to understand, but for them it's just a way to manage and mainly avoid their emotions... .

[LadyEm]

Thank you.

For years I have been trying to talk to friends and family that don't understand. I got on this message board as a shot in the dark thinking it was something that had been put up but wasn't really being used much. I was shocked and saddened and yet relieved to find so many people going through what I am/ have. I spent so much time thinking it was my fault. Beating myself up for not being better.

It's clear there is no "better" because the rules are constantly changing.

[enlighten me]

I too had trouble describing to friends and family what was going on in a way they could conceive. If you havent been through it then you wont understand it. In a way its good that they dont get it as it shows that they have had a relatively heaiyhy life. Looking at my exs associates there was a lot of troubled souls.  If your ever in doubt which side of the vrazy fence your on have a look at the people that surround you and the ones that surround them. Not a precision tool but a good indication.

[LadyEm]

enlighten me,

That is a very good point. It brings to mind all the horrible stories she told about how crazy every single one of her exes is... .It almost makes me curious about what will be said about me. If I cared about what any of her friends thought of me.