in a different phase

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 
Byfaith,

Hey... .I want to commend you for your clear thinking and writing in a time of obvious duress.

Basically... .you are saying that you need an active relationship partner.  One who you can ask out and that will actually go "do" a relationship with you... .vice sit at home in her PJs.

I see your time in MC as a place to clearly communicate to your wife what you are looking for... what you need.

Same for her to communicate to you.

At the end of the day... .you both get to decided if you are going to respect the other persons decisions about their life.

I feel solid about where you are going... .you have a clear vision.

Due to the BPDish stuff in her life (and other things)... .your wife is communicating (especially via her actions) a lot less clearly than we would normally hope someone would communicate.

We know there will be lots of zigs and zags in your wife's behavior, even if she is really trying to "get better".  Remember... .dysfunction is normal to her... .healthy is not.

Direct advice here:  Don't focus in too much on the book... .keep it broad... keep focusing on whether or not she is taking steps "towards" a better relationship, rather than getting caught up in whether or not she is taking one particular step (the book).

Now... .if she comes out and makes a commitment to read book and participate... .and then doesn't do it... .especially if that commitment is made in MC... .then... .there can start to be a different issue.

Thoughts?  Impression of where I am advising you to go with this?

FF

[formflier]

 
Byfaith,

Hey... .I want to commend you for your clear thinking and writing in a time of obvious duress.

Basically... .you are saying that you need an active relationship partner.  One who you can ask out and that will actually go "do" a relationship with you... .vice sit at home in her PJs.

I see your time in MC as a place to clearly communicate to your wife what you are looking for... what you need.

Same for her to communicate to you.

At the end of the day... .you both get to decided if you are going to respect the other persons decisions about their life.

I feel solid about where you are going... .you have a clear vision.

Due to the BPDish stuff in her life (and other things)... .your wife is communicating (especially via her actions) a lot less clearly than we would normally hope someone would communicate.

We know there will be lots of zigs and zags in your wife's behavior, even if she is really trying to "get better".  Remember... .dysfunction is normal to her... .healthy is not.

Direct advice here:  Don't focus in too much on the book... .keep it broad... keep focusing on whether or not she is taking steps "towards" a better relationship, rather than getting caught up in whether or not she is taking one particular step (the book).

Now... .if she comes out and makes a commitment to read book and participate... .and then doesn't do it... .especially if that commitment is made in MC... .then... .there can start to be a different issue.

Thoughts?  Impression of where I am advising you to go with this?

FF

[byfaith]

FF,

I agree not to get locked into the book. That book gave some insight to myself regardless if she reads it or not.

You are correct, MC is the place to communicate my needs (MC told me that a couple of weeks ago when I met with him by myself. He told me to write down what I need instead of all these ideas floating around in my head).

At the end of the day... .you both get to decided if you are going to respect the other persons decisions about their life.

I feel solid about where you are going... .you have a clear vision.

I have to realize there are going to be many unpleasant moments and periods of time. That is one of my major problems, has been all of my life. Trying to get around the unpleasant feelings and situations. FOO issues.

Hey, she agreed to go on a date tonight

[formflier]

Hey, she agreed to go on a date tonight

That is called momentum in the right direction.  What is the plan... .?

FF

[byfaith]

The plan is to go someplace where we can get something to eat and discuss some of the things we read. Just enjoy the time away from the house and being with each other.

[Wrongturn1]

Just asking, are you in a place where you are satisfied with your decision to stay with your wife?

Yes, at this point, I'm satisfied with my decision to stay.  I can say that now as things are better than they have been in years in my house.  I learned to validate and started enforcing boundaries around abuse, which really changed the whole dynamic of the relationship.  With this, I generally became no longer the bad guy, and most of her triggers shifted to external things besides me.  Also, my wife got a job last year and started working for the first time in the past 12 years, which seemed to also help her average emotional state (although she has complained endlessly about the job nearly every day - it has still been a net positive).   Also, I started putting a priority on my physical fitness which has been a stress reliever, and I have been taking time to do the things I want to do and spend time with friends and pursuing my hobbies.  So all in all, my life is drastically better than when I first learned about BPD five years ago.  Finally, we have sex on average 3 or 4 times per month, which I find sufficient.

Clearly, my wife still has BPD and is often angry, paranoid, emotionally over-reactive, and a compulsive drinker.  But now that I'm letting all of that be her problem instead of mine (although I still provide support an validation as long as she's not abusing), I'm a lot more free to enjoy my life and make the most of it. 

I can see that your situation is more difficult than mine in that sex is not happening for you; your wife's son seems to be a problem; and your wife is unemployed.  All that plus BPD would be a lot to deal with, and I certainly sympathize with you enduring such a difficult situation.  My advice to you (that I have been trying to follow myself) would be to strive to live the life that you would live if your wife were mentally healthy - whatever that means for you. 

[byfaith]

FF,

The date: FUBAR

F=fouled

REPORT: the son ran interference on the joint mission. I had to go it alone. Objective was not met for the strengthening of the marriage bonds.

BF

[byfaith]

asked my wife yesterday around 1:30 if she wanted to go on a date that evening. She said yes that would be nice.
she texted me around 2: pm that she was taking a nap because she did not sleep well the night before.

On my way home from work I called her, she was asleep. Talked less than a minute. She then texted me about 10 minutes before I got home.

HER: Pls bring me 5hour energy. I took a nap so we could do something tonight but I just got up. I wish I could say I got good sleep but HE kept coming in the room wanting dip. Between this morning and this afternoon, he woke me up a least 15 times. I'm ticked

so we didn't do anything because she was too tired because her son kept waking her up.

There are many things going on here. She controls his dip intake. I don't agree with the level of control but that is her choice. He is relentless, he wanted dip, she had it in her possession and he kept waking her up and apparently she did not give him any.

I know this sounds ridiculous but this is the every day crap at my house with her and him. She won't do what I think should be done so she does it her way to appease him enough so he gets some of what he wants but at the expense of many other things.

I have already told her that if it was up to me I would say... .you get a can of dip for every 2 days that you can manage on your own. If you use it in 12 hours then you have to wait 36 more hours until the next can.

What he would do then after the 12 hours is create a situation in the house and show his ass because he wasn't getting more dip
Him acting out gets to be a bad situation which she doesn't want to deal with.

ok so here we are last night. There was no arguing or fighting. Here is the next level of dysfunction. She is in her usual position in the recliner she is in deep thought.  said " what's goin on?" she said "just sitting here trying to remain relaxed"

I shared with her a conversation I had with my son earlier in the day, we talked a little about that. I told her about a conversation I had with my daughter that same day. My daughter sent me a couple of cute videos of my grandson. Trying to share and create conversation. I said "I will send you the videos daughter sent me"  instead of saying thanks she says, I wonder why she didn't send them to me also. My wife has this thing that if my daughter send me a  pic or video of grandson that she should be sent the same thing.

I just said we were just talking and she sent me these. so my wife never says oh these are cute or he's so cute. OR we really need to get over there and visit them. Instead of it being a "sharing" thing between my wife and me it becomes, I wonder why she didn't send pics to me also?

After that, I was talking to her about my D23 who owes me money. I have texted her and she was ignoring me for the payment. Wont get into details here. About 5 minutes after that discussion there is a knock on the door and D23 is there. I went to say something and D23 holds out the money and I went to say thank you and she walks away ( well, glad I got the money)

so, I say to my wife... .I am going to go to hobby lobby and lowes.

My oldest daughter is turning 28 in a few days. I am restoring her tricycle she got when she was 2. She was asking me a couple of weeks ago if I still had it and I told her that I had gotten rid of it. So I think that will bring a smile to her face. I was going to buy stuff for that project.

This part is "sad" to me. My wife says " I would go but my pants are in the wash" she literally has one pair of pants she wears to go anywhere. She will not buy clothes to fit her. She wears T shirts and pj bottoms or those one pair of pants ( they are like a pair of nice sweat pants) she does not wear pj bottoms out.

My wife is overweight but she is not fat. she carries her weight well (IMO)

anyway she sat in the recliner the best of the evening playing her game. I went to my room around 10:15. I said good night and I gave her a little kiss and touched her on the shoulder.

then she said " I know this will probably make you mad, but will you poke your head outside and tell (son) goodnight?"
I was reluctant, we didn't argue and I could tell she was upset that I was reluctant. He came in the room and I said good night and then I went back to my room

That was the evening. Oh I did forget to mention that my stepson asked if he could ride along to the store with me, I said "no not tonight" I said it nicely, he said "that's mean" . I just said "that's the way life goes sometimes"


 


 
 

[formflier]

Byfaith,

I'm sure you are disappointed... .hang in there.   

Overall... .for you and the relationship... .I think yesterday evening was a good thing.

Here is why... .

As I read your post... .I didn't see any "reactions" from you... .and honestly... .I don't think I saw any from your wife... .although I was more focused on you.

I saw responses.  I saw consideration before doing things.

Sure... I might give advice her and there on something better or different... .

I also think the door is open to discuss the son in MC.  I think that should be number 1 topic you bring up, because it is fresh and because "she is on your side" at being "ticked" at him.

Very important to stay narrowly focused on dip, sleep, and you and your wife "dating".  Don't blame her... .but the goal is to "wonder aloud" and ask MC for guidance on what can be "tried"... .just try something different... .about dip and see if that gets more sleep... and gets more dating.

Thoughts?

If you can get "baby steps" taken to change something with the son and dip... .and sleep, then the door is open for bigger steps. 

Right now door is slammed shut and locked... .your goal is to unlock door and crack it... just a bit.

Just an idea:  Tie a proper sleep schedule to access to dip.  He gets in bed at 10pm and gets out of bed at 6am... .access to dip.  Up bothering people all night... .roaming the house.  No dip.

Thoughts?

FF