So depressed I can't breath

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 18 year old son has always had troubles.  I always thought it was just a combination of ADHD and OCD.  But things have escalated so badly this past year that it has become pretty clear that more is going on.  I tear up every time I read a description of BPD or hear someone's experience with it because I recognize my son in those descriptions.  I also recognize my husband.  I probably don't have to explain to anyone the horrific pain of living with two of the people I love most in the world displaying these traits.  I don't even know how to start to get help.  Neither of them will see a therapist.  My son went two or three times to a counselor before he decided that he hated him and doesn't need any help anyway.  I feel so incredibly helpless and out of control.  I live in constant fear that my son will end up in jail or hospitalized (again), or even dead. 

[mama2m]

My 18 year old son has always had troubles.  I always thought it was just a combination of ADHD and OCD.  But things have escalated so badly this past year that it has become pretty clear that more is going on.  I tear up every time I read a description of BPD or hear someone's experience with it because I recognize my son in those descriptions.  I also recognize my husband.  I probably don't have to explain to anyone the horrific pain of living with two of the people I love most in the world displaying these traits.  I don't even know how to start to get help.  Neither of them will see a therapist.  My son went two or three times to a counselor before he decided that he hated him and doesn't need any help anyway.  I feel so incredibly helpless and out of control.  I live in constant fear that my son will end up in jail or hospitalized (again), or even dead. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hi mama2m,

What's escalated recently?  Do you have a therapist for support or also people close in which you can confide?  Are you physically safe right now?

Turkish

[Lollypop]

I don't even know how to start to get help.  Neither of them will see a therapist.  ... .
I live in constant fear that my son will end up in jail or hospitalized (again), or even dead. 

Hi there mama2m

You've come to the right place. We are all moving forwards very slowly, it's not always linear.

I've been in the forum since December and have found great comfort, guidance and friendship here. Everybody understands and there's no judgement.

So, with much respect, you do know where to start for help. You are here and the step you've made is huge.

And it's very overwhelming in all respects.

Baby steps are needed for you to help yourself.

It sounds as if you recognise this but get very sad. It gets better with time as you begin to accept the situation you're in. I know it sucks.

What can we do to help you?

[Mutt]

Hi mama2m,



I'd like to join Turkish and Lolly pop and welcome you.b I'd like to add to what Lolly pop said, it helps to share with others so that you don't have to feel like you're going through this alone. Also, Turkish mentioned if you're seeing a T,  do you have a nonjudgemental friend or family member that you can confide in? It helps to talk.

[mama2m]

Thank you all.  And yes I'm safe.  But I'm very stressed and sad.  The unpredictability of this is maddening.  I feel almost as if I had PTSD.  We almost lost my son when he was a baby.  He spent 5 weeks in the hospital, three of which has on a ventilator.  This past year has been so bad that I feel a lot like I did when he was a sick baby.  His behaviors have been so risky that I can never be sure if he's been arrested or hospitalized if I don't know where he is.  He seems to be trying to do better now, but he's so unpredictable and impulsive that I can never be sure. 

We do have a counselor for him, but he doesn't want to go anymore.  I don't know what more to do than to offer him the help. 

[Lollypop]

Hi there mama2m

It's not that long ago that my BPDs25 was 18. I remember that chaos and I wanted to fix him so badly. Whatever I did or said just made things worse, I felt all I needed to do was just make him see.

Eventually I started to seek help for myself and this was a milestone for me. I started to hear for the first time words like "the only person you can change is yourself".  I remember nodding and sobbing.  I told my son I got help for myself and he was relieved as I was "going crazy" in his eyes.

I found it hard to help myself and not him. Everything I did "to help" him just made it worse. My emotions were so high I couldn't make wise or good decisions as they were made out of fear and guilt.

Does your son live at home?
Is he in school or managing to work?
Do you have othe children?



Hugs. Take care of yourself first, so you can be stronger.

[mama2m]

Hi Lollypop,

Yes he's at home.  He failed out of school and he's between jobs.  And I do have two other boys, neither of whom show any traits of BPD.  I worry for them because of what they see their brother doing and what I'm going through.  I have a therapist but I keep cancelling on him because I'm always travelling with my other boys to my mom's on the spur of the moment to give me some space and time to recover my sanity after a bad episode.  That, of course, is really hard on my marriage.  But I haven't found any other way to cope that actually helps me.

[Lollypop]

Hi

It's hard when there's younger kids. I have a younger non-BPD son at 15 and I spent a lot of effort protecting him as best I could. he was very aware of the arguments and atmosphere at the worst times and very much resented his older brother. I'm glad to say that we are all in a better place now.

I'm glad you've got your mother to rely on for some support, as you say just to give you the space when the going gets tough. 

Ive found it really helpful to demonstrate to my family behaviours I want to see in them.  This includes showing them how i to take responsibility for myself.  This has included me making choices for myself and my own well-being. I show them that I matter, I have a life and sometimes that means putting myself first and my own well-being.  If I'm looking after myself, I'm stronger and happier and actually less focussed on them leaving them to work out things for themselves.

Have you taken a look at the topics at the top right hand side of this page?

I know it's not easy to get the headspace to reflect on where you are, what skills you need to gain and how you can get them. I found validation was vital in dealing with my BPDs.

[mama2m]

I'm actually at my mom's right now.  Had to leave today because it was just getting too much.  I feel guilty whenever I leave because it upsets my husband.  But there is no other way to preserve any semblance of sanity.  If I stop sleeping I become very sick.  I feel like it's going to take me awhile this time to calm down enough to go home and face the music again.  I'm hoping my husband will buy an RV while I'm gone so we can make him live there until he gets a job and can go somewhere else.  As long as he refuses all help I don't know what else to do.  I have my other two boys to raise and protect.

And yes I have read quite a few of those articles.  They make a lot of sense.  I probably need to read them repeatedly.

[Turkish]

It's a tremendous amount of stress feeling isolated and alone,  but I'm glad that you've gotten some space. If you've temporarily left in the past,  what are you anticipating upon return?  Will you be safe? 

It's tough dealing with a dynamic where you may be the outsider.  You can get support for dealing with your husband on the Improving Board (and the lessons there). It might be better to deal with your H primarily first. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

T

[mama2m]

Hi Turkish, 

My H is quite alot better than he used to be.  He still has his moments, but he never makes me feel unsafe anymore.  As for my son, he doesn't act in a threatening way.  He just basically engages in risky, immoral behavior like bing drinking, drugs, and casual sex.  He lies constantly too.  The stress of seeing him become somebody I don't recognize and wouldn't want to know is overwhelming.  I don't sleep when he is behaving like that.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi mama2m

My heart does go out to you. Been there and done that - it nearly drove me crazy.

How is your son funding his life? I think you said he was in between jobs.

[mama2m]

For awhile he was doing better simply because he had no money, but he has a girlfriend now who seems to be supplying him with gas money so he can get to parties where alcohol and drugs are available.  This is why I'm now taking refuge at my parents house.  Since he met her things have really gone downhill.

[Lollypop]

Hi mm2m

Distancing yourself emotionally isn't easy, especially when they're still at an age where they could still turn things round. But you can't make them do anything and it was a hard lesson I learnt.

It's hard to witness them sliding downwards (as we see it - of course they feel entirely different about it). My BPDs only learns through his own mistakes. thats how we all learn. I didn't start to change my own behaviours until I'd made many mistakes trying to fix him.

Physical distance really helps as you've found.

My BPDs ended up "sponging" to exist. I found it only works for a while and then others get fed up and refuse him.  He'd bounce around emotionally.

I worked hard on learning how to distance myself by focussing on myself and my own needs. It comes to a decision at certain points in our challenging BPD journey as we try and protect all of our family.

I really resented the fact that our BPDs was the centre of our lives. We used to reel from extreme anger to utter despair and it was exhausting.

We are in a much better place now. To get better it got worse for a while though. Knowledge of BPD helps me cope.

I recommend a book "I dont have to make everything better" by Gary and joy Lundberg.

Have you read it?

[mama2m]

Hi Lollipop, 

No I haven't read it.  It sounds good though. 

How did it have to get worse before it got better?  That sounds scary.  But guess I really have no choice.  He does what he does regardless of what anyone says or does.

[Lollypop]

Hi mm2m

I can only speak from my own experience.  My bods25 had to go through a lot of turmoil before he finally got diagnosed at 24.

I tried everything from shouting, ignoring, manipulating, stalking, begging, manipulating: this was particularly from 16-19. None of it worked and I made it worse. My own situation got worse as my relationship with him broke down. He struggled to cope and so took more drugs and then blamed me. His wasn't recreational use. 

I was trying to change him and spent all of my time wagging my finger at him. He certainly didn't trust me.

My BPDs is a quiet BPD and he internalises. He had all this stuff going on in his head and I just didnt understand his limitations. The doctors refused to do a mental health assessment while he smoked weed. He couldn't (and still doesn't) see a life without weed.

We see the weed as part of the problem but accept he's an adult, he uses to self medicate.

So what did I do?

I started to look outwards for myself. I have my own life to live. I went back to college as a mature student studying art which was therapeutic and I've made new friends. I saw a counsellor so I could offload to her instead of harping on to my friends as I was bringing them down when we'd meet. I was a very sad person, now I'm happier.

When diagnosis came last September. I got to work on understanding BPD. This forum has been a lifesaver. I could see what my priorities were as we welcomed our son back into our home following a crisis. We were in new territory and I was very scared.

I concentrated on providing a stable, supportive and loving environment. This sounds text book stuff and you'd have thought it's common sense and I'm ashamed to say that my house just hadn't been that sort of place for a very long time.  I thought it had been but now I see it was the opposite.

I learnt how to validate and I've got better at it sounding natural. I try to demonstrate behaviours I want to see in my family. Slowly our BPDs started to positively react to us.

I do not react to anything he tells me. I do not judge. I treat him as an adult. He's opened up to us and it's been a good 9 months. My home is relaxed now.

We wait patiently for him to seek treatment for himself. The biggest challenge is getting our adult 25 year old son with BPD to take full responsibility for himself. We are becoming the parents he needs. I do not give him any money, he works and is learning financial skills by contributing towards his living expenses. We have not bought him a car or offered to lend him money; he can sort it out himself. We cannot make it too comfortable so he never wants to leave though.

This is a small part of our story. It's our story and you have your own. I hope you can get something from ours that helps you. I've found a way to move forward that suits us as a family and I use the phrase "we're all trying our best, but we all can try harder".  Balance is tricky to achieve.

I suggest that you be strong, arm yourself with the skills you need, knowledge is power and get practising validation. 

Hugs

[mama2m]

I think the worst mistake has been bailing him out of his financial problems.  I never would have done that myself but my H is terribly enmeshed and he keeps shielding my son from the consequences of his behavior.  It's maddening.  The more H does that the more entitled my son feels.  I know I've made mistakes in the way I talk to him and about him.  But mostly I think I've sort of naturally put in to practice a lot of the tips on this website.  The only thing I can't seem to do is detach enough to be okay.  I'm not okay and I haven't figured out how to get to okay while he is still in crisis.

[Lollypop]

Hi mm2m

I can't say exactly when I started to detach. I'm still not yet there but I know my life no longer revolves around him and I don't allow myself to get caught up in his dramas. I think his age helps me. At 25 there's no doubt, regardless of his maturity levels, that he is an adult. 18 is very different isn't it.

I try and let him have the dignity to fail or succeed. I try and let him solve his own problems. This is how he grows and learns and his self confidence in his own abilities has grown since we've changed our approach. I felt hopeless for many years but, despite him not seeking treatment at the moment, I'm starting to be optimistic that he will eventually. Growth and progress isn't always linear.

I think detaching comes after fully accepting that you cant change them. 

Do you have any boundaries?

Can you see how you and your husband can agree on a way forward regarding financial enabling?

[mama2m]

I leave if he's crossed one of my boundaries.  Sneaking out in the middle of the night is unacceptable.  So is staying out past 11:00 pm.  If he's only a little late I let it slide but if he's out until the morning, I'm done.  Having girls over secretly while we're gone is out to.  He did all those things last week which is why I stayed away so long.

H acts like he agrees with me but then he turns around and does things without talking to me first.  And he acts like he's serious about buying an RV to put ds in but he does nothing about it.  Passive aggressive.  It's worse than if he simply was honest with me and would say he disagrees.

[Lollypop]

Hi mm2m

Ive copied and pasted a post from an old thread of mine. This was when I started to learn about boundaries. I thought it relevant for you.

I was having real trouble pinning my son down on paying me a contribution to his living costs.  If you're interested in reading my very long description of our conversations then please let me know.

LBJ is very wise and I learn a lot from her.



   
Re: Advice on communication skills and boundaries
« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2016, 05:56:06 PM »
Reply with quoteQuote

I have found it most helpful in communicating with my daughter to:

Be brief

Not use the word "should"

Remind her only once of an established agreement that we made together

State my expectation that she honor our agreement and then end the conversation

Wait... .wait... .wait... .Did she honor our agreement?  If not, we have a conversation about our agreement and I ask her "do we need to revisit our agreement or are you prepared to honor it now?"

Many times in her younger years she would say "I lied" when I would remind her of our agreement.  Then whatever the consequences of violating said agreement would come into play.

Rock solid, sky high, thick concrete boundaries in the form of consequences... .every ... .single... .time.

[mama2m]

This is my first night back home and even though ds is not in trouble as far as I know, I have not slept.  I don't know how to control my anxiety.  Feels like PTSD.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi mm2m

I'm concerned you're not feeling safe with yourself?

Have you thought about going to see your own doctor to talk about yourself and anxiety?

Hugs

[mama2m]

Hi Lollypop, 

I'm doing better now.  I just needed to figure out a way to detach.  Somehow I think I'm doing better with that now.  I do need to make an appointment with me therapist though.

[Lollypop]

Hi mm2m

I'm so very glad to hear it. I try and take care of myself and quietly demonstrate to my family how i do that. I know they are learning from me.

take care of yourself. Baby steps

Hugs