Newly LDR...uBPD boyfriend has gone completely NC after an argument.

[lovecanbehard]

Hi guys! I stumbled on your community and thought I should have an account for it because I just found out that I'm in a relationship with someone with BPD (26M; I am 25/F).

Some background: We've been together for 2.5 years and moved really fast initially. I was really swept up by the romance... .We found a place of our own 6 months in, we were doing everything together, I shut out my friends and family, I was in love, and then things* hit the fan. A lot of mental abuse, a lot of fighting for no reason, a lot of me thinking I was crazy, a hard break up in April and then I went and saw a therapist to fix ME. Although she couldn't diagnose him as he wasn't her patient, she felt that he may have BPD. She had me research and once I did it was like a lightbulb-- everything matched up. My therapist said she can't make the decision for me: I have to choose if I want to be with him or not. But what we've been working on is learning a lot about his moods, his triggers, what makes him switch, etc and trying to find patterns. Learning about BPD has been really great for my relationship with him although I know it won't always be easy. And it's definitely not right now.

I've been on and off with him since April but we've been "stable" and exclusive again since mid-July. When we had broken up, I decided I was going to move cross country and go back to school and get away from him. He understood that nothing was to change with my plans once we got back together; if he wants this relationship to work then we HAVE to be LDR. He said things like, "I can't lose you, you're my life"... .etc. I told him he REALLY has to work on this with me or let me go and he understood but now things are bad again.

Basically, I'm having a lot of trouble with the switching and mood swings now that we are LDR. Before, if I was physically there after we argued, he wouldn't fully "come back" but me being near to him, touching him, acknowledging his feelings would help a lot. He couldn't run away because I'd be there. And then we'd be okay.

Two days ago, we got in an argument over the phone. He just kept hanging up on me and I kept getting upset. Now that we are LDR, I can't physically come over and talk to him, but he refuses to communicate. Now, yesterday, he has gone completely NC. He has not spoken to me at all today either and I'm hurting but of course, he can't understand my hurt so there's no empathy there. I am close with his mom who knows of his issues and asked her what was going on with him today. She responded "I told him to call you last night and he just shrugged. I can't tell you honey he's being stupid here too."

I know his NC is to spite me. My fear is that he's going to make some rash decision and cheat on me now that I'm LDR. My previous therapist told me that most likely he WILL cheat on me. Before I left 2 months ago, he split again and got in an argument with me. 2 days later, we made up but in that two days he was reaching out to many girls and trying to take them out for dinner/drinks. He promised me it wouldn't happen again but now my mind is racing and full of anxiety.

I am at a loss. I know it's not my fault but I keep blaming myself, "Well maybe I shouldn't have nagged, maybe I should have been more cool in the situation, maybe  maybe maybe... ." Is there any way I can talk to him without pushing him away more, or do I have to wait for him to come to me? And how do I bring up communication when he inevitably does "come back"?

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[Meili]

Being in a relationship with a pwBPD is difficult. Being in a LDR is also difficult. Combining the two takes a special kind of love and patience. My hats is off to you for working on it!

If he's refusing to communicate with you, then all that you can do is wait. Silent treatment is hard to deal with. If you keep chasing, you're teaching him that he can abuse you (yes, silent treatment is abuse) and you'll come crawling back. He'll lose all respect for you too.

I'm not sure what you're asking about talking to him about communication. Can you please explain?

[lovecanbehard]

The reason he shut down was when I was telling him that being in an LDR takes a lot of communication, maybe he saw it as me attacking him? Which of course was not my intention.

But you're right... .I am chasing him. Probably showing a lot of weakness with "Please call me," or "I don't know what's going on. Please tell me what's happening." It's hard because I have no idea if he considers us "broken up" or "together right now. I think that's the source of my anxiety. If he had just said, "I don't want to be with you anymore," or "I need some space," it would be easier to handle. But of course, he knows what buttons to push and he knows he is hurting me... .

However, I'll stop any communication now.

Is it all just a waiting game until he decides to "miss me"?

[Meili]

It's hard because I have no idea if he considers us "broken up" or "together right now. I think that's the source of my anxiety.

Maybe it would help with the anxiety if you decide that it's over when you say it's over? I realize that seems like a funny way to look at it. If he ends/ended the relationship, then it's over right? Not necessarily. You can continue to stay committed and try until you are ready to walk away. That is your decision, not his. It gives you your power back.

I wouldn't say it's a game. It's actually a time that you can use to your advantage. It gives both of you time and room to breath. The silence can be a gift that allows your head to clear.

I know that those things don't come easily, and the first few days of ST are possibly the hardest as you deal with the emotions. But, if you recognize it for what it is and allow the emotions to flow through you without fighting them, then it can get easier.

And, while there is no way to speed up the grieving processes, there are ways to not prolong it unnecessarily. Sitting around ruminating and asking yourself the what if's will just keep you in the place of pain longer than you need to be. So, trying to focus on you, your future, your needs, and things that make you happy while this is going on will help.

[lovecanbehard]

Right. That makes sense. My therapist did tell me that no matter how he makes it seem, I am the one who is in control of whether or not we're together.

In your opinion, do you think he will reach out again to me soon? The only thing that makes me nervous is what kind of spontaneous/rash things he is doing now to spite me. Because he has admitted he does thinks to make me mad when he'd angry with me. But like you said I guess I can't sit and dwell on that.

I'll try to focus on myself and my goals today. It's tough but I will try.

[Meili]

It appears that quite often, they do reach out. That's why working on you is so important during the quiet time. It gives you an opportunity to start learning some of the tools (see the sidebar to the right which provides a good place to start) to manage these situations better when you do communicate.

We all face the concern about the people in our lives wBPD acting out when dysregulated. This is why boundaries are so important. They are there to protect us.

[lovecanbehard]

There have been boundaries but when he is like this, I'm afraid they don't matter. Especially since I'm so far away.

Thank you so much for all of your help.

[Meili]

The boundaries are yours, so you're the only one who can decide if they matter or not.

[lovecanbehard]

Okay thanks again.

Here's another question: If/when he does reach out to me, how should I approach the situation? Pretend like nothing happened? Tell him how distraught I was? I guess I don't know the best way to move forward if he does end up talking to me... .

[Meili]

I wouldn't pretend that nothing happened or let him know how distraught you were. Somewhere in the middle. Light, friendly, and open... .let him lead the conversation. And, have interesting things to tell him about what you've been doing. If he wants to talk about what happened, then you should talk about it. Unless the argument was over something super important that needs to be addressed still, leave it in the past. Also, don't JADE or invalidate his feelings/thoughts if he starts it up again.

[lovecanbehard]

The argument was about communicating respectfully and not hanging up the phone in the middle of our conversation. This is new behavior and something that bothers me a lot so I think something needs to be said for it. I'll try to prepare for that convo... .

[Meili]

So, the argument was about hanging up abruptly, and he responded by hanging up abruptly?

If you do feel compelled to try to have the conversation again, I would strongly suggest taking a look at some of the workshops on here that deal with communication. You might glean some valuable information about how to approach the subject without causing him to lash out.

[lovecanbehard]

Yes that is exactly what happened. Now ST for two days even though he was still texting me he loved me that night... .:/ So I don't know what happened.

I will take a look at the communication advice. Any other advice you can give me?

[Meili]

Just to try not to take it personally. When they lash out, it's typically because they are mad/hurt/shamed/etc at themselves. They take it out on us at that point. It has nothing to do with us.

That being said, pointing out his bad behavior might cause more of it. He might feel shame, and since it's so hard for them to see fault in themselves, they see it in others and react as if the other person has done some wrong.

[lovecanbehard]

Ahh okay. So don't even mention the hanging up thing?

[Meili]

Only if it's real important to you to have that discussion.

[lovecanbehard]

It's just that I don't want him to do it again... .I feel like I'm in a lose lose situation. I don't like the behavior but I'm afraid if I bring it up he'll just keep doing it... .

[Meili]

I completely understand the lose-lose feelings. There is a time and a place for bringing things up. The first conversation after a silent treatment may not be the best time. When things (meaning him) are calm and light, you can work it into a conversation and still get it out to him that is not something that you want in a relationship. Does that make sense?

[lovecanbehard]

Yes, thank you so much. I hope that he reaches out to me... .Since I'm new to his BPD, I am still learning a lot. One thing I do that tends to escalate conflict is that I want to communicate when things are bad and I forget about gauging his emotions/reactions.

Very glad I found this community. Thanks!

[abk15]

Hi lovecanbehard, I'm very sorry you're having to suffer the silent treatment. I know exactly how hurtful and confusing it can be.

Meili gave a lot of good advice and information about pwBPD. I'm also still learning about it all, so the only thing I can offer is the fact that it isn't your fault- no matter how many times you may go and blame yourself.

My own experiences are similar to yours; the relationship with my uBPDxbf turned long distance. After that, I guess it was "easier" for him to hide behind a phone. I found myself getting the silent treatment here and there and it started out lasting a few hours, gradually working up to 2-3 days. Of course, it was all over things I didn't even realize upset him at the time because he never discussed it with me. Eventually, our first breakup was actually through silent treatment and it was so painful since I had no idea what happened at all. He just disappeared for a few months.

While it took me quite some time, I came to realize that it wasn't my fault. As Meili said, it's actually them feeling some kind of shame or badness about themselves, like a silent rage. And while everyone is different, I don't think there's too much you can do when they're being silent. Personally, I've found that "killing with kindness," and then going quiet works- for both of us (but especially for my own wellbeing).

I'm actually in the midst of a second breakup and silent treatment (though this time he tried to tell me what was going on). Being shut out and not knowing why hurts. Whatever you do, do not blame yourself.

Will he come back? I really can't say. It hurts the most when there's nothing you can do but wait, if that's what you choose to do. But no matter what you choose, remember to always put your own wellbeing *first*.

[lovecanbehard]

Hi! Thank you for sharing your story.

Before I figured out I should stop texting him, I sent him one last long message that I hope can be conveyed as "killing with kindness". So I hope that helps the case. It has helped me a little, FWIW.

The waiting is so hard on me. I'm trying to focus on myself but since this is a new behavior I can't help but think of the "what ifs"... .trying not to, but it's so difficult on this second day of ST... .I'm also starting to understand that it's not my fault. Trying to at least.

This is so hard, especially LDR... .

[Meili]

Thinking about the "what if's" is not actually the worst thing in the world; provided that you don't obsess about them. You can use them as a tool to modify future behaviors.

[lovecanbehard]

I know his disappearance has to do with me. I know it's not completely my fault (in a normal relationship we'd be able to talk it out), but I can't stop blaming myself. I pushed him away by dumping my problems here on him. We were having a normal Skype session and then I told him I was lonely, I couldn't wait to make new friends, etc and then all of a sudden he said "You are never pleasant to talk to! It's always the same thing! I can't make you feel better. You want me to say X things and then you're still sad." and instead of saying "You're right" I just argued back. So we argued the whole night. And he tried to let go of it later and I couldn't and now he's gone. Because I couldn't just let go.

I am so so scared that he is going to "be with" someone else. So scared. In my mind we are together, because he never stated we aren't, so I'm afraid he will cheat on me. And that's my boundary, I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive him but at the same time I am so scared to lose him.

[Meili]

I know his disappearance has to do with me. I know it's not completely my fault (in a normal relationship we'd be able to talk it out), but I can't stop blaming myself. I pushed him away by dumping my problems here on him. We were having a normal Skype session and then I told him I was lonely, I couldn't wait to make new friends, etc

Is it possible that, based on his reaction, he responded from a place of fear of abandonment and that he's punishing you because of it?

You said that you are lonely and can't wait to make new friends. His response was that he didn't feel good enough for you. Not being good enough, and your wanting to meet new people could easily trigger abandonment issues. Because it is so incredibly difficult for him to face the shame that he feels from not being good enough and the fear of abandonment, and it's easier for him to project his feelings and fears onto you and abandon you first, he may be acting out that way. Could that fit what happened?

That being said, I'm just guessing that this is a possibility. I'm not in the mental health profession and can't tell what another is thinking. I'm just trying to give you another way of looking at things.

You can't beat yourself up over what you said or the past. We are all human and are constantly learning. It happened, and if you learn from it, then it can actually be seen as a good thing rather than something to regret. As long as we are learning and growing, there is no need for regret because something good came of it. Can you learn anything from the experience?

[lovecanbehard]

I guess he may have been responding from a place of fear of abandonment... .I didn't think about it like that. From what I was seeing on my side, it sounded like he was fed up of reassuring me that things would work out. But I could see it as coming from a place of fear. Although he was very supportive of me going out with new people. I asked him how he felt about it at the beginning (it was a co-ed group and his jealousy has sparked issues in the past) and he was very excited for me, very "Go for it!", Is it possible to be supportive but also have these fears triggered? Or be supportive and hide these fears if that makes sense?

I'm learning not to take the things he does personal... .if I had just realized him hanging up on me was just part of the disorder I would not have pressed the issue. I'm also learning that I need to let the small things go... .choose my battles... .

[Meili]

Is it possible to be supportive but also have these fears triggered? Or be supportive and hide these fears if that makes sense?

Yes, it's very possible. It can also be a test to see how you would react. I'm not saying that it was in this case, and certainly don't want you to borrow trouble, but things like that do happen.

[lovecanbehard]

Okay. Thanks. I am also an insecure person and I'm sure bringing up my insecurities makes him face his own insecurities. Perhaps my talking about my insecurities made him "realize" his insecurities were there. I am hoping to get in a  new appointment with a therapist here soon.