Fleas Or Mental Illness, turning point in my life?

[lm1109]

Hi! Haven't posted for quite some time. I guess I thought things were going well. I will start off by saying I have been very little contact with my BPD mother. It has been almost a full year since I have physically seen her, same goes for her lap dog(aka my father) I speak to them on the phone once every few months, maybe. My mom used to call all the time until I set boundaries about bashing my father, suicide talk, etc. So now she never calls. All this should be great, and it has been. I have felt good not dealing with the drama, but of course still deal with guilt, etc. I opened up to my husband Saturday night about my feelings. I explained how lonely I felt because I have no outside family left.  My mom made sure I had no relationships with relatives, brother committed suicide and now no relationship with them. I confided that I almost feel like I am grieving the loss of my parents as well as my brother and despite the fact that they brought so much turmoil into my life, it has been really hard for a few weeks. I also confided that I have been having some revelations about my best friend. I have been questioning whether or not it is a true friendship. I am beginning to realize after many many years that it is much like my relationship I had with my mother and I'm beginning to feel like I am being used as her therapist(my role with my mother) I feel like it hit me all at once how alone I really am, and for the first time in a very long time I broke down. I guess I felt aright that I got it out that night. Then on Tuesday night my husband and I got into a fight. I was feeling overwhelmed and jumped on him about the kids bedtimes and him not being available to help me with bedtime, and how for 2 nights my 2 year old screamed for Daddy the whole time! It escalated VERY quickly, as apparently, he was also feeling overwhelmed and immediately started yelling. This is the first HUGE fight we have gotten into in ages, and actually rarely even argue, maybe things were pent up? So he did what he used to do to upset me, called me crazy. Acted completely dismissive to what I was (very overwhelmingly... I admit) trying to explain to him. I walked away! Later after the kids were in bed though, it went from bad to worse. We were yelling at each other and he told me that I was crazy just like my mother. Then threw everything that I had confided to him that night into my face. He told me that everyone has abandoned me, my brother, my mom, my dad, my "best friend." He is the only one who hasn't abandoned me, that I would never make it in life without him. That I'm living my mothers life and I have no one! I will not sit here and say that I was being nice in this argument, but I would never try to hurt like that! And he has NO idea how it hurt me because he has TWO supportive loving parents, 2 sisters! He has no idea how bad it hurts to be rejected by your own family. Afterwards, he tried to take it all back. Then wrote a letter that defended why the argument started and told me how much he loved me? I have known that everyone abandoned me, I have known that I cant get close to people, but hearing him say it was like someone threw ice water on me! I have issues, I cant get close to people, I have a hard time making friends/opening up, I get anxious and overwhelmed easily. I have been off antidepressants for 3 years and honestly have felt that I have been doing better without them. But when I honestly look at my life I see the highs and lows. I do great for a while and then I start to feel depressed. Is that bipolar, BPD, or is that just life? My life! My life, that has been harder than anyone on this planet knows! I have felt like I was doing good and now I'm questioning everything. DO I go back on antidepressants? I have been really reflecting and am having a really hard time deciphering if it is me. It took me years to figure out that my relationship with my best friend was one sided like my mothers. That the only time she called was to talk for hours asking for advice and reassurance over and over again about her horrible marriage, but never actually take the advice! Never actually seem at all interested in me! I stayed in the relationship because it was comfortable its what I knew and she is the only one who really knows my past(childhood friend) I get off the phone feeling drained and realized after I quit talking to my mother that I was doing the same damn thing to myself with my friend! I met my husband at 18 and we have been together for 10 years and have 3 small children. And when it comes down to it, he is right! I have put myself in a position to be dependant on him. Got married right away and started having kids young rather than going to school! Now he can stand there and tell me I could never make it without him and he is right! What would I do? He has told me numerous times if I leave him he will quit his job so he wont have to pay me anything, and he would do it! I don't have family I could go to, no job as I am a stay at home mom(my youngest is 2), no degree, and no real close friends, just a handful of friends I do playdates with and have mild conversation with. Of course I have known all this, but to hear him say it was like shining a light on where I am in life!  I question if he is right, is it me? Or am I dealing with the consequences of choosing a life partner and a best friend when I was just a messed up kid? I'm not planning on leaving him I love my kids more than life and will always do what is best for them, but I am feeling very confused! I am questioning my life choices and my state of mental health! I hate the thought of going back on the rollercoaster of trying to find the "right" antidepressant! And our medical insurance has changed and now my copays to see a therapist are insane and I wind up feeling guilty for spending so much money! Can anyone relate to this? I'm feeling more alone than I ever have in my life!

[VitaminC]

Dear Im1109,

Hey, that sounds like a lot on your plate.    I am sorry that you feel alone and a bit overwhelmed at the moment and unsupported by your husband and family. I can totally understand that feeling alone is the hardest thing of all.

It's good that you placed a boundary around your involvement with your parents, if that's something that drains you. It sounds like that was a healthy decision. Feeling sad about it nonetheless is normal. And sharing that feeling with your husband is normal too.

I am sorry that the argument between your husband and yourself a few days later was filled with such hurtful words. I also find it hard to make myself vulnerable and let people in. If my doing so  is used against me in some way, it's a very big deal for me because it was so hard to do in the first place! We have to really trust the people we open ourselves to, don't we?  What is your relationship and communication with your husband usually like? 

It's true what you say, that we can easily drift into relationships that are familiar from our childhoods. If we're used to being a listener or caretaker (me too, by the way) then we can kind of fall into that role with our friends and partners.  There's plenty of room for self-analysis here and a lot that can be done to interrupt and change those kinds of patterns!

I hear you saying you adore your kids and that your family is important to you. That's a blessing to have and a wonderful thing to be aware of.

You are reassessing your entire life at the moment. That's a hard thing to do all in one go and would make anyone's head spin. Maybe one approach is to make a couple of lists?  One for all the things that are good in your life right now, and another for the things you want to work on / improve.

We could take it from there?  There are plenty of people here that will understand, so you don't need to feel alone. We're all in it together.

Ok?

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY IM1109: 

I'm so sorry about what you are experiencing.  I've struggled with similar issues.

I get anxious and overwhelmed easily. I have been off antidepressants for 3 years and honestly have felt that I have been doing better without them. But when I honestly look at my life I see the highs and lows. I do great for a while and then I start to feel depressed. Is that bipolar, BPD, or is that just life? My life! My life, that has been harder than anyone on this planet knows!

 DO I go back on antidepressants? I have been really reflecting and am having a really hard time deciphering if it is me.

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.  My parents were both anxious and I seemed to come out of the womb anxious, .   I believe it is a biological issue.  I think that many of us can have the right chemistry by a marginal degree, so we tend to slip into a depression at times, or anxiety.  Even without depression, anxiety can be a daily problem to manage.

It can take some time to connect the dots, but with myself, I've come to learn that I have a tendency towards Winter Depression (SAD).  I've found that taking a very low dose of Celexa has been helpful.  I generally start taking it in August and take a break from it in early Spring and early Summer.  I don't want to take more than necessary, so I generally cut the pills and work my way up to what I believe works for me.  I have, also, found that light therapy helps in the Fall and Winter (special SAD full-spectrum lights).

You might want to start tracking your anxiety and moods to see if there is any pattern. You can get a free account at the link below, Anxiety.org.  You can track your daily mood and anxiety level and can look at a chart.
https://abctracker.anxiety.org/

Have you read any self-help books? I'm in therapy right now.  A couple of weeks ago, I asked my therapist for some suggested reading material for the problem of "worrying".  She recommened a couple of books for me:  The Worry Cure by Robert Leahy and The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris.

Have you been successful in managing your anxiety in any way?  (exercise, some form of meditation or mindfulness?)

Then, he wrote a letter that defended why the argument started and told me how much he loved me? I have known that everyone abandoned me, I have known that I cant get close to people, but hearing him say it was like someone threw ice water on me! I have issues, I cant get close to people, I have a hard time making friends/opening up, I get anxious and overwhelmed easily.

There are a lot of good communication tools on this website.  You will find some links to the right of this post and will likely find more useful links within the relationship threads.  Arguments will happen, but if both parties can use some emotionally intelligent skills, it can make things a lot easier for both.

It can be hard for people who aren't anxious or have depression to understand how people suffering from those problems feel and struggle.  Is you husband able to understand your battle with anxiety and depression?

Was there an antidepressant that worked for you in the past?  It generally can take a month or more to see any benefit and deal with potential initial side effects (titrating on and off can help).
Perhaps you can get a prescription to try from your primary care doctor and then try some self-help measures?

Here are a couple of websites that might be helpful:
https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

This is a DBT selfhelp webiste below.  It has a lot of good information that anyone can find helpful.  The particular link below, could be a helpful tool to use with anxiety.
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

Things can improve in small measures.  Setting some goals can help.  Just take it one step at a time.  It can be a challenge with children, but perhaps you can get your husband to support some of your goals.  Perhaps, you find a group/club/church, etc. as a way to connect with more friends.  You could start out taking a free class online, and eventually work up to taking a class at a community college.  A lot is possible with small steps that can really add up.

Most of us with anxiety issues won't be able to eliminate it, but we can learn tools to help manage it and be happy.

 What do you think?

[Sunfl0wer]

I explained how lonely I felt because I have no outside family left.

This is the first HUGE fight we have gotten into in ages, and actually rarely even argue, maybe things were pent up?

Sounds like you started out seeking some validation on some feelings of loss of family and loneliness.

Do you think things just kind of avalanched from there?

I am wondering if you would do better to kind of "back up" to the point where you are seeking validation.  What would have happened if you received the validation you were initially seeking?  Would there have been the following thoughts? Where did they come from?

I don't have family I could go to, no job as I am a stay at home mom(my youngest is 2), no degree, and no real close friends, just a handful of friends I do playdates with and have mild conversation with. Of course I have known all this, but to hear him say it was like shining a light on where I am in life!  I question if he is right, is it me? Or am I dealing with the consequences of choosing a life partner and a best friend when I was just a messed up kid? I'm not planning on leaving him I love my kids more than life and will always do what is best for them, but I am feeling very confused! I am questioning my life choices and my state of mental health

[Pilpel]

Nibbler, Those look like really good website resources.  I'm bookmarking them.

Im1109, I hope your feeling more positive today. 

I can also relate to feelings of loneliness.  As precious and adorable as toddlers are, I do think those early years can be emotionally draining. Especially when you don't have a network of friends and support of family.  My husband has always worked very long hours.  And there were a few years there when I had two toddlers and I would get frustrated by my husband's being gone so much, and my lack of adult or personal time.  My husband compensated for it by watching the kids on some of his days off, and that helped me recharge a bit.  I've also had a really difficult time with connecting to other people.  I really desire to have close friends, and I've invited people over for coffee and facilitated playdates for my kids.  But we live in a rural area, and while adults seem happy to bring their kids over and talk for over an hour when they pick their kids up, there has been very little reciprocation. I can't help but read something about what they think of me in that.  We lived in a more urban area for awhile.  And it was a completely different social experience, where even working parents made time to have playdates and get together.  I keep telling myself that, to prove to myself that it isn't me.  And yet, I still have that self-doubt that maybe it is me.

Regarding the depression.  I recently read a book by therapist Scott Peck, where he observed that the people who experience depression and anxiety tended to be more emotionally healthy and more capable of making progress.  It may be a chemical imbalance.  Or it could just be a normal emotional process that motivates you toward much needed change.  Right now, it sounds as if you are engaging in a lot of negative self-talk and self-doubt.  Working on stopping the negative self-talk, and thinking more positively --that Improve the Moment worksheet Naughty Nibbler posted a link to looks like it could be very helpful in turning those thoughts around. 

Regarding your husband.  I can't say whether you are suffering the consequences of marrying too young.  That puts such a negative view on your husband and your whole marriage.  What your husband said was immature and manipulative.  But it sounds like you fueled the argument, too, but throwing a lot of frustration and blame at him.  Sounds like what a lot of couples go through.  You can look at yourself as stuck, or you can look at ways that you can work on communicating more effectively. 

[Notwendy]

I can also make the connection between how I was raised with my BPD mother and how it has affected my marriage and friendships.

I can really relate to how it feels to think I am the crazy one in the family. My H used to respond to disagreements by making that point. It was terrifying because I didn't want to be like her! Yet, genetics being what they are, and the fact that we learn behaviors from both our parents- it is likely that we do either inherit or learn behavior traits from both our parents- both good and not so good traits. So if I did see myself resembling her behavior in any way, it scared me.

Yet, seeing her as mostly bad was really a one sided view and what I had to do was see that I learned both good and dysfunctional things from her. I could work on the dysfunction and then accept that I could like myself better if I saw some things as good too.

Yet, keep in mind - We are not our parents and many behaviors can be changed.

Also, even though my H's family appears to be more supportive than mine, they are not without their dysfunction. This isn't to point fingers or to blame anyone, but to know that dysfunction in families can present itself in many ways and not feel resentful towards your H for not being able to relate to your feelings about your family. We all bring different backgrounds to a marriage.

One decision I made that made a difference was to realize that- I am not my mother, however, being raised with a dysfunctional parent can lead to having issues with relationships. This is not because there is something "wrong" with us. In fact- in the context of our families- we learned to behave in ways that were necessary for us to survive as children- emotionally- in that family. It is when we bring these behaviors that once worked for us into our current relationships that we find they don't work and can cause problems. Then we can work on learning new relationship skills.

It is up to a health care professional to see if you need an antidepressant or not, and if so, for how long. However, with or without medicine- it is important to get some support and help with learning new relationship skills. I chose counseling and 12 step groups. One particular group was ACA or ACOA. This can include children of dysfunction even without alcohol involved as the dynamics are similar. I worked with a sponsor.

I started this journey first with dealing with FOO and childhood issues, but found that the skills I gained dealing with my mother also helped me in my marriage. I think it is something worthwhile to pursue.