My uBPDw wants a divorce because I don't trust her financially

[michel71]

She has given me every reason not to. Re-writes history and facts to suit herself. Refuses to take responsibility. Has always left me holding the financial bag. When she has worked I haven't seen much of it. Spends it on herself and her kids.
I have given to her generously. Treated her like a Queen until I started to realize that I was taken advantage of. But it was too late. My money that I brought into the marriage was gone. And now I am in debt. She refuses to see it as community debt however.
Keeps telling me how honorable and trustworthy she is but has spent $$$ recklessly.
She won't "work with me" to achieve a workable budget. She tells me that it is none of my business.
She says that she simply cannot stay in a marriage when she is not trusted.
She now refuses counseling and going to a financial advisor/mediator.
She recently got a higher paying job that will lead to lots of $$$ down the line.

[michel71]

I should probably add that we have other issues of course. Communication. Differences in parenting (but those I think have been getting better). Respect or the lack there of.
If you read my other posts you'll see the back story.
I am in a state of shock tonight. I think this is really going to happen though.
She has threatened me so many times with divorce it is like a cry wolf scenario. I know this is typical of pwPBD and the unfair fighting styles that they use. Instead of matching a knife with a knife they pull out a bazooka. I am speaking metaphorically of course!
She even told her daughter that they are moving out and started to look for apartments on the internet so it seems... .real.
I have wanted this. As much as I wanted this, I didn't want it if that makes sense. Like all of us here we fell in love and kept the hope going as long as we could. Some are out of their relationships and are still hoping. I am dreading that feeling of total despair and intense pain. I have felt that before when I though we were breaking up and it feels like I am dying. I guess that is part of why I hang in there so I don't have to feel that pain again.
I feel like I am rambling on and I am sorry for that. I just don't know what to do with myself right now except to be on this Board. It is a place I have gone to so many times for comfort and support. I feel like it is my lifeline now.

[gotbushels]

Here's just a few thoughts michel71. I tread carefully as it seems like this issue is limitless between people.

If she re-writes history, or tries to, it can help to write it down in a private place so she doesn't gaslight you.

Yes, some people make things up to suit themselves. Some pwBPDs do this more than most, and sometimes on subconscious levels.

Yes, it's sometimes common for pwBPDs to refuse to take responsibility.

If you've given her generously and have always been the one holding the financial bag, you want to look at what you've been doing. You can see from this that getting this issue with money in the relationship to change is more difficult.

If she wants to take money from you and yet not want to negotiate a budget or negotiate a solution, I think there's something not quite right there.

Example:
A: I want more money.
B: No, can we negotiate please.
A: No, you don't trust me at all, let's divorce.
Can you identify there's a clear logical problem here that functions to avoid the negotiation?

Even without the money, example:
A: I want to go out and drink.
B: No, you get drunk, attempt to cheat on me, and I have to fetch you, can we negotiate please.
A: No, you don't trust me at all, let's break up.

That's what I think from this. I would set out a limit plan and check with a T or P as it seems a big enough issue. Divorce, property, children's futures, and your future are all at issue here. I encourage you to at least work at handling these conversations, save up, and get advice from a suitably qualified T or P. Self-compassion. Don't wait for the fire to take action.   

[michel71]

Thank you. I like your examples. The lack of logic is something that makes me crazy as well as the gas lighting. It is horrible. She always accuses me of not getting things right. She spins things and deflects. She basically uses all the tools in her arsenal of crazy making.

[gotbushels]

Yes, it's quite spooky when you see how the BPD behaviours seem to be carbon copies of each other. Give the writing down a try. It can take the horrible out of the gaslighting. Try to avoid using it to "I told you so!" because that's basically justifying and arguing--try to use it so the gaslighting doesn't affect your reality.

[michel71]

Thank you. That is a great tip to write it down to protect my sanity. And I will try not to JADE. Terribly hard for me!

[gotbushels]

You're most welcome. I hope it serves you as well as it did others and I.