Is attention-seeking a part of BPD?

[WendyDavid]

My husband was diagnosed with BPD (and two other mental illnesses) several months ago.  I've learned that impulsiveness and risk-taking are a part of BPD.  This can lead to addiction disorders and sexual risk-taking.  I've also learned that high-stress situations make the symptoms of BPD worse.  And that abandonment is right up at the top for their fears.

I'm wondering if his attention-seeking is a part of the BPD.  My husband is a very charming person who has good standing in the community.  We are about to divorce, and his BPD is getting really bad.  Its like all the symptoms are happening at once. 

One of the dangers of his attitude about sex.  He has hurt people and he has hurt me.  He does not want to feel this way and is ashamed of his actions.  We have been trying to uncover why he thinks/acts this way.  Feelings of low self-worth, need for control, and desire for attention have been motivators for his abuse.

I am aware that not all BPD sufferers have the same sexual problems as my husband.  However, the BPD is a huge obstacle to him when it comes to working on his feelings about sex.

I'm trying to help my husband sort some things out before I leave him.  So I'm looking for treatments for each illness but not all of his symptoms have a disorder to fit -- at least I haven't found where they fit yet.  So I was wondering if the attention-seeking was a part of BPD.  We've learned that immaturity, controlling, impulsiveness, risk-taking, lack of empathy, personality splits and focusing on the "now" are all a part of BPD and a part of his negative sexual actions.  If attention-seeking is too, then we can focus on treating BPD in order to help him through the sexual stuff he is not proud of.

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this board. BPD can have many associated behaviors.

One aspect of BPD is fear of abandonment. It makes sense that if divorce is looming that your H's BPD behaviors would be worse. It isn't about them becoming cured, but how well they manage their bad feelings. Most of us are not at our best during stress, so neither are people with BPD.

Many of these types of relationships involved blurred boundaries. Although you wish to help him, BPD is his illness, his issue to manage. Ultimately, if you wish to leave him, you would rather he not be dependent on you to help him- in fact, by helping, you might be enabling him to be dependent on you, rather than a therapist to help him.

Also, while we want to help, people need to be taking steps to help themselves if they are able to. What steps is your H taking to help himself?

[Cat Familiar]

I want to echo Notwendy's thoughts on your helping your soon-to-be-exhusband. Undoubtedly it stems from concern for his welfare and wishes for his future to be more promising, but your help could really backfire on you in ways you may not be aware of yet.

Speaking from personal experience in this vein, I, too, wanted to help my first husband when I was divorcing him. He interpreted my desire to do that as me thinking I was "better" than him. Granted, I was more responsible, more socially aware, more in control of my behavior, but at the same time, I was extremely codependent and I felt guilty that I was the one who initiated the divorce. I won't go into details, but leave it as my intent didn't yield the desired results, not by any measure.

And to address your question about attention-seeking--yes, that was something that manifested in my first husband's behavior. He had addiction issues and acted out impulsively with sexuality and violence. I used to say he was a "serial adulterer." It was very difficult being married to him and I'm so glad I finally got the strength to leave. I've never regretted it for a minute.

Good luck to you in your journey. If you want to talk privately, you can PM me. I've been though so much, it's unlikely anything would shock me.   

[WendyDavid]

Hi Notwendy

To answer your last question first: he is seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist.  He has cut off some friends that were "toxic".  He broke it off with his narcissistic girlfriend.  He confessed almost all the illegal and immoral stuff he's done to his parents.  He got all (I think) the addiction stuff out of the house.  And he is trying to talk to me more about what is going on in his head.

Where he stands:  he doesn't have any real friends anymore. His family is in denial that he has a mental illness.  His narc gf won't talk to him. And now he feels shame to face his community and his family as "unwanted" by his wife that everyone thinks was so great for him.

Where I stand:  I am afraid of his risk-taking and lack of self-respect, which makes him disrespectful to me.  He already put my health at risk and by the grace of God I'm alive today.  He has put my job at risk and attempted to cause problems between me and my family.  I've got a plan to leave and it is settled that I will be very far away

Now here is the problem:  My husband can hurt people.  My husband has hurt people.  He uses sex to do this.  I've put it in the hands of his therapists and family for the past several months.  However, I see him everyday.  I've noticed that he is getting better at being a patient.  Anytime he ever begins to get to the core of his behavior is when he is talking to me.  I've started writing to his psychologist about it.  I refuse to take matters into my own hands.  I don't want to be a target anymore.  However, I don't want to see him in jail or worse.  I promised to help him get help until a certain date.  Then our time together will expire.  

So now he has medicine for some of his other mental issues.  This has only helped him focus and stay calm (more often but not always).  His thought processes need some work.  I can't tell if the psychologist's help is working, since the two times I sat in on sessions, the therapist had no clue about some of the darker sides of my husband's mind.  So I'm working with another therapist to see if my husband is getting the treatment he needs.  

I'm just wondering if other people see attention-seeking in their BPD family member too.

[WendyDavid]

Thank you Cat Familiar.

I don't necessarily want to help him, as in a feel like I'd rather not do any of the work on him.  It is his problem and his damage.  But when I saw how his supposed friends and family acted, I knew he was never going to get help.  So I'm putting in 100% and then walking away. 

I will take you up on the PM offer.  I really feel alone as an SO of someone with BPD.

[Cat Familiar]

I really feel alone as an SO of someone with BPD.

Yep. They often are so good at putting on a public face that is so different than the person we know. Living with a pwBPD can be very isolating. And it puts us in sort of a moral quandary. It feels like a betrayal to tell mutual friends the backstory of our relationship and it can sound like we're making things up.

I appreciate having my own friends with whom I can share some of the trials and tribulations of living with a spouse with a personality disorder. And posting here is a blessing because people understand.