"You're special Harri"--- The root of my shame

[Harri]

"You were born special Harri."

This is a phrase I heard regularly growing up.  There is nothing good about being born special.  When I was very young, this statement was used as a way to try to control and manipulate me. 

Primarily it served to shame me if I stepped even the slightest bit out of line.  "You know better than to do (fill in blank with some typical kid act) because you were born special and you are disappointing God when you behave and talk that way, and think those things."

In my naivete, this phrase became the lens through which I viewed the world.  It meant I was different than others and that what was fair and right for them did not apply to me.  Bullied as a kid?  Well, that's what it means to be special.  A mother who smothered me with abusive love?  Of course!  I was special.  Relied upon to fix the family problems?  Yep, of course it was my job because I was special. 

When I got a little older, it became weird (weirder?) My mother brought strays home; poor broken people who she would accept into our home.  thankfully they never lived with us but they visited often.  One of them was 18 years old when he first started coming over.  I was 8.  He developed a crush on me and began sending me love letters and poems, taking me on 'outings' (aka dates).  We would take long walks together and he would hold my hand, play with my hair, run his fingers down the side of my neck, and hold me close.  It felt weird to me, but my parents saw him do these things and never said anything.  he used to do that to me even when we were all sitting together watching a movie.  I did not particularly like it as it felt creepy but I figured it went along with being special and it was okay for me to feel creeped out and uncomfortable as long as it made everyone else happy.  I remember one time in the park a neighbor saw us sitting on a bench talking and he had his arm around me, stroking my hair.  She stopped and stared, doing a double take but never approached so I figured it must have been okay for me otherwise she would have said something.  One night we were baking a cake and he scooped batter onto his finger and held it out to me and told me to suck it off.  My mother was not 3 feet away and I remember being startled to see a look of arousal and satisfaction on her face.  She had this weird slight smile on her face.  She was getting off on his sexualized behavior with her daughter... .and it was okay for this to happen to me because it went along with being special.  he stopped coming around when i was about 12 or 13 because he and my mother had a fight... .he broke her radio and she then split him black.  He did send me flowers when years later I graduated high school and then college.  I never replied. 

I rarely ever asked questions like 'why is this happening' when something weird took place or ask 'why me?' because it all fell into the box labeled 'Harri is special'.  The rages, the silent treatments, the sexual abuse by my mother while my father watched... .all of it was justified because I was born special.

Being special meant I rarely questioned things.  I accepted and accommodated just about everything that came my way.  Being special normalized everything.  It became my go to explanation.  It all got stuffed into a box labeled 'special' nd then thrown into the cellar.

The last two sessions in therapy has helped me to uncover all of this.  My whole life view has been based on a lie, a distortion created by mother in an effort to control and manipulate me to be a good kid and honor both her and God.  While she did manage to control and manipulate me with that phrase, it mainly served to make me my own worst abuser. 

The ultimate irony to me is that I know she would tell me this as a way of showing her love for me.  She did the best she could (said with 100% sincerity and 100% sarcasm).  I am now calling BS on that load of crap.  I hate that phrase.  All I ever wanted was to fit in and be a regular kid.  None of that was in the cards for me tho... .cuz I was born special.

[Turkish]

Years ago,  I heard the "I did the best I could!" From my mom,  minus the sarcasm, which I can imagine was even more hurtful.  It's massively invalidating, sitting down any conversation. 

It's brave of you to share that,  and shows yet in another way how your mother failed to protect you,  aside from her own abuses. What do you think she meant when she labeled you "special?"

We're taking parenting classes, and the difference between praise and encouragement was discussed.  Praise is giving a label,  "you're good! You're a genius!" (My ex likes to use this one on the kids); whereas,  encouragement is acknowledging a behavior,  apart from identity.  The T also asked the class if anyone had experienced negative labels,  and one mother shared that both of her parents called her "piggy" and to this day think it's funny.  It was written on her birthday cakes. By 15, she never wanted another party or cake. 

Assigning labels good or bad can be damaging. What your mom labeled you,  without explanation,  was damaging,  even more so what she did to you.  It sounds like it was even more confusing since on the surface it sounded positive,  but what you experienced was far the opposite,  yes? 

[purekalm]

Hello Harri,

   I'm so sorry for your pain. I can't imagine going through what you did, but I think it's great that you're working on it and not accepting it anymore. Was it hard to fight against the mentality that you grew up with?

My dad (who is uBPD) used to tell me the same thing, and it never felt "special". I was held above my siblings as an example. Was told how "smart" and "mature" I was.

... .it mainly served to make me my own worst abuser.

That's exactly what it did to me as well. I'm told by my mom and siblings that even when I was young I was always my worst critic, and it took me forever to realize it. I knew I hated myself, but it was a while before the reasons came to the surface.

Purekalm

[Kwamina]

Hi Harri

Thanks for sharing your story with us. These are very difficult topics and I am very glad you've come to the point that you feel safe enough to discuss them here.

I really like what Turkish has said about labels and how damaging they can be.

"You were born special Harri."

This is a phrase I heard regularly growing up.  There is nothing good about being born special.  When I was very young, this statement was used as a way to try to control and manipulate me.  

It's a positive step forwards that you are now able to see this dynamic for what it really was. The results of your mother's behavior were indeed that you were being controlled. Perhaps in your mother's disordered mind her direct intent was not to control you, however, her behavior definitely led to you being controlled. My mother once said 'You are different' to me in a contemptuous tone because I did not agree with some of her BPD actions. Those words really hurt me coming from my own mother. It is what it is, but a parent's words to a young child can reverberate for decades.

One of them was 18 years old when he first started coming over.  I was 8.  He developed a crush on me and began sending me love letters and poems, taking me on 'outings' (aka dates).  We would take long walks together and he would hold my hand, play with my hair, run his fingers down the side of my neck, and hold me close.  It felt weird to me, but my parents saw him do these things and never said anything.  he used to do that to me even when we were all sitting together watching a movie.

This is very disturbing behavior. That man who was 18 years older than you totally violated your boundaries in many ways by behaving this way. The role your parents played in all of this, is very difficult to understand. They totally enabled this guy's highly inappropriate treatment of you. I definitely understand why this made you feel very uncomfortable, yet seeing your parents react like nothing is wrong, makes you doubt your own feelings and perceptions of reality. To a child parents are (or ought to be) the ultimate authority figures and role models on which we base what's right and wrong and what are appropriate ways to let other people treat us. It is sad to say that your parents modeled very unhealthy boundaries and even allowed other people to violate your physical, emotional and mental boundaries. When you consider all of this now, do you feel like this has impacted your sense of what healthy boundaries are? Do you feel like you have the right to set and defend/enforce boundaries?

While she did manage to control and manipulate me with that phrase, it mainly served to make me my own worst abuser.

This is a crucial realization I think. The way BPD parents treat their children can be very damaging and one of the particularly damaging aspects is how it can cause us to internalize the negative and weird messages conveyed to us. Then even when our parents aren't around, even when they are no longer alive as is the case with your parents, we still carry their negativity with us wherever we go. It's like the BPD abuser/critic lives on in our mind and soul and is ever present, though we might not always even be fully aware of just how present.

The ultimate irony to me is that I know she would tell me this as a way of showing her love for me.  She did the best she could (said with 100% sincerity and 100% sarcasm).  I am now calling BS on that load of crap.  I hate that phrase.  All I ever wanted was to fit in and be a regular kid.  None of that was in the cards for me tho... .cuz I was born special.

We cannot undo what has been done unfortunately. That is a hard thing to accept and one of the things I struggle most with. As a result of your mother's behavior you never felt like you were able to fit in anywhere. That really is a very difficult way of having to go through life feeling like you never belong. I do want to say though that you fit in wonderfully on this board and by so courageously sharing what you've been through, you are greatly helping the other members posting here and also the many people reading who might not have registered yet. You not only fit in here, but by sharing your story you have made other members perhaps for the first time in their lives feel like they finally fit in somewhere.

She did the best she could is a difficult sentence. The duality of 100% sincerity and 100% sarcasm pretty much characterizes the experience of children with a BPD parent. She did the best she could, yet looking back she definitely could have done better. Where does that leave us now as adults? We do the best we can and try to accept the things we cannot change as we courageously explore our past and work on our healing.

You have been through a lot of difficult things Harri. These therapy sessions that you are having now seem to be really helping you and it is wonderful to see that I hope you continue to explore your pain and heal yourself

[Notwendy]

I am glad you are able to work these issues out in therapy. Disordered parents can do some really disturbing things.

I interpret the "she did the best she could" not for her, but for me. At some point- although it isn't an easy step- it is better for us to arrive at some level of forgiveness - not because they deserve it, but because it is better for our own sense of peace to do so. This doesn't mean forgetting- or "all is well"- denial. It can take looking at our past, our shame, pain, and expressing the emotions that we feel in a theraputic situation- like you are- and taking the time we need to do so.

For me" the best she could" is this    "she did the best that someone with her mental illness could". Growing up, I imagined my mother as some kind of all powerful witch. By my teens, I disliked her, and saw her as the bad parent, while seeing my father as the good parent and her victim.

When my father was ill, the stress of his illness and eventually his death exacerbated my mother's BPD behaviors. I saw the full range of her dysfunction from an adult perspective. It was shocking and terrifying, but it helped me to see just how mentally ill she was and shifted my childhood interpretation of her a being horrible, to being a mentally ill person who did some horrible things. Also, while kids tend to see things in black and white, I started to see both my parents more as people with strong points and weaknesses, just like all of us.

I don't forget the hurtful things my mother did. If I feel triggered or emotional about something- I have worked on those feelings. I think it is a constant work in progress, but when something that used to upset me about her, doesn't anymore, it feels like a victory to me. It's encouraging to know that we can work on undoing things like labels, and the effects of how our parents perceived us- and replace them with how we see ourselves- and this includes how we perceive them.

You are doing great work. What your mother did is disturbing- the result of her disturbed mind- and not you. Now, as an adult, you can see how inappropriate this was- and tell yourself a different message.

[Notwendy]

I also experienced some blurred sexual boundaries with my mother. It is very disturbing and creepy. Yet, I was not ever sexually abused in the classical sense. Nobody touched me. So I didn't associate this with abuse until I was an adult and realized how inappropriate it was.

One thing mom did was to see me as a peer not a child, and share TMI about her relationship with my father with me.  I was about 13 or 14 when this started.

I hadn't even had a boyfriend yet, but when I started dating, she wanted me to share (TMI) and seemed to pressure us kids about not being sexually active or interested in dating. I was actually on the shy side a "late bloomer" teen, and she would act like there was something wrong with me because I wasn't dating enough.

All of this is just    but now, I suspect that my mother was sexually abused as a child/teen. I have no proof of it and if there was an abuser, he is most likely not alive now. My mother is elderly and he would have had to be older than she was to abuse her as a child or teen. We know that abuse can perpetuate in families, and so, this makes me wonder- and also ask- did this set off her BPD?  I've also observed her own FOO as being narcissistic and invalidating. I think it would be hard to grow up as a child with them. None of this makes her behavior OK, but it does add to my perspective to imagine how sad for her to have been treated like this if she was.

[Harri]

Hi Turkish.  I am not entirely sure what my mother meant by that phrase.  I think she may have seen things in me that she wanted for herself though at the same time she mainly saw me as an extension of herself so i don't know.  I think like Kwamina said, she may not have intended to use the phrase as a control tactic, but that was certainly the end result along with a way to shame me into submission.  The rest of it came from my childlike attempt to understand the craziness that surrounded me.  I just occurred to me that she probably meant it as a positive for me but it was very much tied into her own needs.  It was about her ego and building herself up... .you know, the old my kid is special so that makes me special too BS.

Thanks for the info on praise vs encouragement and labeling.  I can definitley use that info for myself as I learn to become gentler and more compassionate with myself and others.

purekalm you ask if it was hard to fight against the mentality I grew up with and I have to say yes, but it is still very much an ongoing fight.  The significance of this being special business only just came to light.  I am feeling overwhelmed at having to once again rebuild how I view myself and the world around me.   I am also having a hard time finding a reason to fight through to be honest.  I am tired.  Right now the only thing that is driving me is my spiritual belief that I am in this life to learn certain lessons and that if I don't learn what I need to learn I will have to repeat certain aspects next time around.  No way, no how!     Not that things were so bad and horrible in my life, but why waste time and effort spinning my wheels in the next life over the same old crap... .i do enough of the hamster wheel routine in this life thank you very much. 

I am sorry to know that you struggle with the same message and resulting issues.  What are you doing to try to break the old tapes that drive some of your beliefs about yourself today?

Kwamina, hello!  I do feel safe here especially on the coping board.  I debated about posting on the personal inventory board, but it feels safer and I can open up more here. 

Oh how I wish I could tell your mother a few things right now!  Words like hers can indeed hit deep and have a long lasting impact. 

You know, I had forgotten about David (the 18 year old family 'friend' until I was writing the post.  I guess it was something that wanted to come to the surface of my mind, perhaps because I am now in therapy.  Your question about boundaries is an excellent one.  No, I am not at all good at setting boundaries.  they are for other people to use, specifically as a protective mechanism against me because being special means I am damaged and wrong and hurt people.  I just erased where I typed that logically I know those things are not true, but that would be a lie.  Parts of me very much believe those things.  Those parts are why I withdraw from others to protect them.  I am all too aware of how I might be and what being special means.  It hurts.  Both me and others. So I keep to myself.  Not all parts of me believe that, but enough do to keep me isolated.

As for whether or not I believe I have a right to set and defend my boundaries?  Well, with my parents I did and I fought hard when I got older and especially once I moved away.  For others?  I am getting there.  I hear myself saying no and standing my ground with my doctors and nurses now and that is definitely newish behavior.  I still have a problem with established relationships and have no idea how I wwould be in a more intimate relationship.  fortunately I do not need to worry about that though sometimes I do wonder.

Then even when our parents aren't around, even when they are no longer alive as is the case with your parents, we still carry their negativity with us wherever we go.

You are so right.  The mother in my head is so much more difficult to deal with than when I had to deal directly with her.  This definitely shapes my beliefs about the value and limitations of no contact too, but that is a different discussion.  Seeing that my mother *still* has such a hold on me when I've worked so hard to heal and seperate and have had the luxury of NC by death (it does not get much more NC than that!) is frustrating and humbling. 

Kwamina, thanks once again for your kindness.  I actually do feel like I fit in here, so thanks for showing me that.  If even one person can benefit from something I write, that gives me and my story a purpose. 

Re: the phrase "She did the best she could" ... .I agree with everyone who commented on it.  Where it bothers me is when it is offered as comfort by the abuser or the non-parent to the person who was abused or worse, by someone who was not even involved in the situation.  IMO no one has a right to say that to another person.  It is an understanding that, if necessary, has to be reached by the person who was abused!  I do not see reaching that point as some hard won high level achievement in healing either.  If it works for you, great, but it does not mean you have found your inner Buddha and are enlightened! 

Notwendy, thanks for joining in!  Sexual abuse does not require touch or penetration to be classified as abuse (though I think legally it might be).  I am so sorry that you experienced inappropriate sexualized behavior from your mother in addition to parentification. 

When I read about your shifting view of your mother it made me remeber when I finally stopped viewing mine as all powerful and saw her as the hurt, damaged scared little girl.  I consider myself fortunate that I reached that understading a couple of years before she died in 2007.  It made seperating and setting boundaries easier for me and seeing her that way made me realize just how strong I was in comparison.  I had the sense of "I *can* do this.  I can heal."

Anyway, thanks for joinging in with me everyone.  I have some more thoughts but I am tired and this post seems horribly long as it is.  Talk with you all soon.

Thank you.

[hergestridge]

Oh boy was I told I was "special". All the f**ing time tbh. To my parent's defense, I was a foster child so it's not a big mystery. They didn't know who I was. I was told I had special talents (not true, just wishful thinking) and that I was smarter than most other people, which included my brother and my parents themselves. I became an easy target for bullies because I had so much pretention and not much to back it up.
Now I'm middle aged and I finally understand to what extent it has shaped me to be "special". No normal rules applied to me. I didn't have to work or learn, because I was special. I didn't have to build a relationship, I would just hook up with the right girl and our relationship would be "special" too.
I accepted abuse from my BPDXW because I was special, and our relationship was special. Normal rules didn't apply at all. Never thought normal rules applied to me.
Sometimes it has served me good that I'm "special". It gives me confindence as and artist and I can go up on a stage in front of hundreds and do basically anything. At a workplace I feel entitled to be the leader, so I often become the leader.
Sometimes it really worked against me. I was not having a lot of fun in the conventional sense when I was young. If I was to meet a girl it would have to be true love and forever after. If I started a band it had to be the greatest band on Earth. I sought out other people that I felt were also "special" and I saw myself as being above "normal" people.

I think Harri gets to core of what it means to be "special" in her post. It's about alienation and estrangement from our parents. Sometimes when I was a teenager it happened that my mother had too much to drink and given me copliments that are certainly not appropriate. It becomes so apparent then that I am not her flesh and blood at all, just a boy who grew up in her house.

[Notwendy]

I understand how invalidating "she did the best she could" is as an excuse or explanation from someone who doesn't understand.

The one we got- which was so invalidating is " well, she couldn't have been that bad, look at how you kids turned out".

We had some resiliency factors, that are not to be discounted- as they made a difference. My parents thankfully took good care of us, physically, and so we had a nice place to live, clothing, good educations. We have a lot to be grateful for. Although we were not wealthy, Dad could afford some household help- which both took the stress off my mother and allowed us to spend time with babysitters who were more functional than she was. So thankfully we did experience consistency from them. In her more stable moments, my mother shared her keen intellect and interest in the arts with us, and so we learned to appreciate them.

But it was "that bad" too. And just because there were good aspects, does not mean that what happened didn't happen. School was our happy place- a place where we could have friends and feel secure- and so we got good grades- that was a way of getting affirmation. People would use this to justify "it can't be that bad". People didn't have a clue that riding home on the school bus, we were fearful of who we'd greet when we opened the door- "nice mom" or "angry mom". I think we would have stayed at school all the time if we could have.

[purekalm]

Hello Harri,

What are you doing to try to break the old tapes that drive some of your beliefs about yourself today?

Good question, mainly when something comes up I challenge it. Like with the whole "special" thing. I know and understand that everyone is special in their own unique way. So, because everyone is that also means it's ok for me to feel that way. This is a hard one to accept though because everything in me rejects being called "special" or standing out in any way. I was held as the child to emulate and got hatred from my siblings when we were younger. I was used as model behavior by other adults and so on and so forth. I was called out while all the while trying to blend into the floor or the wall. I used to have extreme anxiety when the teachers were looking for someone to call on and especially if they would call my name. I usually knew the answer, I just didn't want any attention.

So, for me, this one is pretty difficult, but others I have been able to recognize and deal with. As Kwamina in all his wisdom as reiterated to me many times, I have to take it slow. I wanted to fix it all right away, be done with it and put it away. But... .I can't. So, taking it slow and small steps is new for me, but has helped me to heal. I think it's been a year or so since I've come here and through the help and awareness I've gotten here and in my life I was finally able to say no to my husband's crap, and I couldn't of before because it was my fault for "not being good enough" to help him get better.

In regards to "she did the best she could", I have mixed emotions on that one. It's been offered to me by both parents and those around me sometimes as an excuse I believe. I used to hate them both, my parents. God helped me to see them for who they really are, and it changed my view. I could no longer hate them, and had compassion for them and their struggles. I know that, with the tools they had they did the best they could, but the way I see it is that it doesn't excuse what they've done, only give reasons why. So, for me, it doesn't hurt, because I don't see it as an excuse, just a reason. The same can be said for my own son. I have not been the best I could be because of depression and the abuse from my stbxh, the severe FOO issues I didn't even know I was still suffering from and if he ever asks me, that's all I'll know to tell him. That I'm sorry I wasn't able to be at my best in the beginning. It doesn't excuse my behavior and I understand if you can't accept that. I take the full weight and responsibility for my shortcomings, my parents still haven't. I don't know, it's a tough one.

The other mentioned by Notwendy I've heard too. The funny thing is, that one gets me more! I think because no one understands what you have to go through to "turn out" ok on the outside. Unlike Notwendy, school was almost as bad as home and I didn't want to be either place.

Thanks for posting Harri, it's bittersweet to know I'm not the only one who has had that "special" label.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Notwendy]

PureCalm, I am sorry that school wasn't a safe place. I hope you had someone/some place that was.

One thing that motivated me was that I saw school- college- as my ticket out of the dysfunction, and not just school, as I started working right away to be as financially independent from them as possible. Mother controlled the money and any money they gave me came with contingencies- and I didn't want to be controlled by her. I wanted to remain in touch with them but did not want to live at home if I could afford not to.

I also believed it was the solution to my FOO problems. Mom blamed me for them, so I really believed they would be fine once I left for college. The other illusion was that I believed I would be fine- leaving would solve the emotional issues I had as a result of growing up in my FOO.

Well, we all know that is an illusion. Even NC doesn't solve all the issues we may experience- even if it does make things better for people who feel that is the right choice.  That is our job to work on and like many of us here, I had my share to work on. The good news is that, even if it takes time and effort, we can do that.

[purekalm]

Hey Notwendy,

I didn't have a safe place unless you include the apple tree I always hung out in and talked to God high up in the branches. I miss that time alone sometimes. I understand. For me, I didn't know about scholarships or how they worked and was so self conscious there was no way I could ask for more info. My parents didn't have any money to give me and my dad regularly took birthday money I got from my mom's mom by asking for it and "paying it back later" which never happened. I agree, time and effort and we get somewhere eventually!

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[pallavirajsinghani]

As a parent of two adopted children (both Non's), I have often used  the term, 'My lovely and loveable child" as an expression, and then praised specific behavior (... ."Thank you for cleaning your room, that is so kind and considerate of you... .I am proud of you... ."

We are all Non's ( I am on the board due to a possible BPD SIL)... .and still I wonder what are we doing that may damage our children irrevocably... .

This is not meant as a sarcasm... .but I am really doing the best I can.

[Harri]

Palla, I think context is important.  When you put the phrases we are talking about here together with neglect, magical thinking, rages, depression, manipulation, silent treatments, sexual abuse, etc, those phrases take on a different meaning especially when you consider the broader context of the abusive parent/caregiver dynamic.  I don't know for sure, but I don't think you are telling your kids they are lovely and lovable while using an angry tone, expressing disappointment when they have done some stoopid kid like thing, or use it to say "but you are supposed to be lovable and you ruined it" etc.

I do wonder though if your kids truly understand what it means when you tell them they are lovely and lovable.  I think it would make for an interesting conversation.  Depending on their ages, you might even ask them to draw a picture to show what it means to them.  Not that I think you are damaging them, but to see how they have interpreted your words.  It could be eye-opening or it could be one of those heartwarming moments you will treasure forever.  I used to work with kids a lot and would ask them to describe symptoms, etc.  Professionally I asked to get an idea of the speech and language abilities, but mostly i did it because kids are wonderful, creative and often hilarious.  I can't tell  you how many times I had to tell a parent that yes, I know little susie/bobby is only 2 or 3 and I will ask you what you see and think in a minute... .  I used to have so much fun when I worked with kids. 

Purekalm, I like what you say about challenging the beliefs as you notice them.  I find it interesting though that I have never actually felt special in anyway, it was always a burden to me, too much pressure, an explanation for all of the weird stuff that happened.  Like you, I was sometimes used as an example by my friends parents and can look back now and see how that added to some of the difficulties I had making friends.  Also, like you, I just wanted to blend in and not be noticed.  Things never seemed to work out that way.  Kids picked on me, I even used to catch teachers and other adults rolling their eyes at me (I was an annoying kid who cried at the drop of a hat).  Of course I could never blend in at home.  What a mess. 

Notwendy, the "how bad could it have been you turned out so well" thing does not bother me as much as the phrase I mentioned.  I think because I have been (and still am) in denial about just how bad things were.  I too had a good education, great career that I advanced in and could function quite well in most situations.  The thing is, my life is in a bit of a shambles right now and I am re-evaluating.  Resiliency is another thing I have begun to quesion and is a word that frequently confuses me when i see it used on this site.  Again, that is probably a whole different thread but it seems to me like it is sometimes used as a reassuring concept for parents who are in less that ideal parenting situations (as in with an abusive partner).  I get having to work with what is and that you can't protect kids from everything but ... .  to rely on a childs resiliency and use it as a comfort about their present situation?  I don't know.  Maybe I am being to literal when I read that here.  (I am not specifically talking about your post in this thread.  I just saw the word and the wheels started turning)  I have read articles that say that kids are highly resilient for things like natural disasters as long as they are able to remain with the parent(s)/caretaker... .but that assumes that the parent/caretaker is healthy and emotionally stable.  Okay, I have to get off that particular side road... .

Notwendy, i am glad you had caretakers who were able to model good behavior and who were able to care about you in a healthy way.  My mother had some great qualities too and as much as I used to wish she would die, I know things would have been even worse if I just had my father.  At least I always knew my mother loved me (twisted as it was).  My dad was, and still is, a huge question for me.

hergestridge, thanks for joing in.  I'm so sorry you grew up with the special thing too.  It must have been very confusing to have the belief that you were above others only to have it frequently backfire on you.  I think we were both affected in the same way even if you, on the surface anyway, had a more positive interpretation of the word special than I did.  Magical thinking, distorted expectations and beliefs about who we are, etc.

The idea of alienation from our parents really struck me.  It is still rattling around in my head though so I can't find the words to really talk about it with you.  Do you think it also caused alienation of self too?  We did not get a realistic view of us, our good points bad points and everything in between.  Our view of Self was distorted.  Again, still rattling around in my head, but you really sparked something with that word.  Thank you.

"just a boy growing up in her house"... .how sad.  I was not a foster child or adopted so I do not have the experience of what that feels like, especially when the mother who chose you turned out to be ummmm, less than healthy (there are a few others here who were adopted/foster kids).  I would think tho that that carries a different kind of pain.  Like a double whammie sort of pain and it seems terribly unfair.  Inappropriate compliments coming from someone older, who is supposed to protect you and is supposed to have boundaries is very confusing and can really mess with your head Hergestridge.  Do you feel like it ever crossed the line further and went beyond inappropriate? 

[purekalm]

Hey Harri,

Yes, it's hard to have a decent relationship with your siblings growing up when your parents gather you together to tell you all how you should be acting and then point you out as the example, like I can do no wrong. (Rolls eyes) I was a little stinker, always getting my younger sister and mainly myself in trouble for my curiosity and  sneakiness about things. I don't get it. Having my own son now, and seeing my three nephews, I could never put one against the other because they're all so unique! How can you say one's physical abilities trumps another's intelligence and vice versa? Can't they all be special in their own way? It baffles me the thinking that had to go on, or lack thereof to have treated me and my siblings this way.

By the time highschool rolled around, I pretty much was invisible. I had a teacher mark me absent and I was sitting right in front of her. The student next to me laughed and pointed me out. I got an in school suspension (which I didn't have to serve) because a teacher marked me absent in  a study hall I attended. I thought it was funny, and it hurt at the same time. Like you, teachers and students alike made fun of me. Either I was too smart or poor or strong for a girl, you can never please everyone. I figured that one out so I don't try to anymore. I just am who I am and everyone is not bound by some weird code to like me. As a side note, my younger sister was the one who cried easily in school and I always tried to protect her, until she shoved me away and did her own thing all of a sudden. Eh... .what can ya do? Yeah, blending in at home is impossible.

Still, we made it out alive at least and now have to sort it all out years later. Kind of bittersweet.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Harri]

Hi again.  Purekalm, I see you.

It hurts to know that people in your life could not see you.  To know your parents put you in a box that seemed to be all pretty and positive but turned out to be anything but (I did not see how confusing it was for me to have this label that was so at odds with reality until Turkish mentioned it earlier in the thread but I can see it now).  Yes, we are doing well to have survived and are now sorting things out.  I only just realized how significant this label was in shaping me and the responses I had to certain things that happened.  I am grateful for the insight but still too stunned and hurt right now to find anything productive to do with this whole ball of special crap.  i know it will come in time though.

In the meantime, meh.

[purekalm]

Thanks Harri. 

I am grateful for the insight but still too stunned and hurt right now to find anything productive to do with this whole ball of special crap.

I totally get it, it's not something easy to realize and even more difficult to accept and deal with the aftermath. I believe it will come when the initial shock wears off. Rooting for you Harri!     

Sincerely,

Purekalm