My ex-gf got engaged 2 months after we broke up.

[Depression = 72% of members]

We met at the end of October last year. It was an incredibly intense experience, and I now know that's common from reading thread after thread here. Within weeks, she was discussing marriage and the names of the four children we were apparently going to have together. I thought it was a bit odd, but she was so loving that I just went with it. I was almost immediately labeled "the best man she's ever met." I was perfect in her eyes. I was the smartest, the funniest, and the best looking. All of her exes were HORRIBLE. They all wronged her. She never mentioned anything that she did wrong. It was the most phenomenal and loving relationship that I had ever been in. After about 5 months, it became something else. Suddenly, without any warning, I was no longer the best man. I was not even worthy of her time. She stonewalled me for 3 weeks before telling me in a very callous way what she now thought of me. I'm lower than dirt. I'm not the man she wanted. I'm a loser. The relationship imploded, seemingly overnight.

2 months later, she was engaged to her ex-boyfriend who she DESPISED while the two of us were together. He cheated on her. He treated her like garbage. He took her dryer out of the apartment when they broke up! I was blindsided. I have never felt so low and so sick in my entire life. Apparently, he's now the best and most perfect man. They are set to get married this October.

My mom was diagnosed with BPD in her late 20s, so I'm very familiar with what it looks like. My psychologist also believes that my ex, at the very least, displays BPD tendencies, so I thought I would seek out a place like this forum. I really don't know why I'm posting this. It's been about 5 months since we broke up, and it's definitely getting easier, but there are days when I can't fight the tears. I miss her so much. My T believes that she won't find happiness in this relationship, and that she'll reach out to me again one day. I don't know if I even want that or not. She's 25, and this is her 12th relationship and 2nd engagement. I know that I'll always love her... .but I can't believe the way I was treated.

I think I just needed to vent.

[PolandSpring4]

We met at the end of October last year. It was an incredibly intense experience, and I now know that's common from reading thread after thread here. Within weeks, she was discussing marriage and the names of the four children we were apparently going to have together. I thought it was a bit odd, but she was so loving that I just went with it. I was almost immediately labeled "the best man she's ever met." I was perfect in her eyes. I was the smartest, the funniest, and the best looking. All of her exes were HORRIBLE. They all wronged her. She never mentioned anything that she did wrong. It was the most phenomenal and loving relationship that I had ever been in. After about 5 months, it became something else. Suddenly, without any warning, I was no longer the best man. I was not even worthy of her time. She stonewalled me for 3 weeks before telling me in a very callous way what she now thought of me. I'm lower than dirt. I'm not the man she wanted. I'm a loser. The relationship imploded, seemingly overnight.

2 months later, she was engaged to her ex-boyfriend who she DESPISED while the two of us were together. He cheated on her. He treated her like garbage. He took her dryer out of the apartment when they broke up! I was blindsided. I have never felt so low and so sick in my entire life. Apparently, he's now the best and most perfect man. They are set to get married this October.

My mom was diagnosed with BPD in her late 20s, so I'm very familiar with what it looks like. My psychologist also believes that my ex, at the very least, displays BPD tendencies, so I thought I would seek out a place like this forum. I really don't know why I'm posting this. It's been about 5 months since we broke up, and it's definitely getting easier, but there are days when I can't fight the tears. I miss her so much. My T believes that she won't find happiness in this relationship, and that she'll reach out to me again one day. I don't know if I even want that or not. She's 25, and this is her 12th relationship and 2nd engagement. I know that I'll always love her... .but I can't believe the way I was treated.

I think I just needed to vent.

[kentavr3]

This is how they act. Idealization, devaluation, discard. This is exactly what happened to me, but just the time range a little bit longer. We all feel terrible about break up. And about our replacement. From my experience, lay down on the bottom as submarine. No contact is only treatment. read about it. The good book is "Siren's dance". Take care of yourself. Do not date. This doesn't help. Remember, that BPD is a general name of the disorder. She can be narcissus, or psychopath, or  sociopath. they all have something in common. The person who you love has been never existed. I know how it terrible.

[PolandSpring4]

This is how they act. Idealization, devaluation, discard. This is exactly what happened to me, but just the time range a little bit longer. We all feel terrible about break up. And about our replacement. From my experience, lay down on the bottom as submarine. No contact is only treatment. read about it. The good book is "Siren's dance". Take care of yourself. Do not date. This doesn't help. Remember, that BPD is a general name of the disorder. She can be narcissus, or psychopath, or  sociopath. they all have something in common. The person who you love has been never existed. I know how it terrible.

Thank you. I'm working inbetween sobbing right now, and I really appreciate your words. Don't know why today is so hard. I've had an okay couple of weeks.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi PolandSpring4-

And welcome to

I'm sorry you went through that, it is very painful and confusing, and unfortunately it's not unique around here, as you've surely read.  And the good news is there's a way out and a way to your bright future, one day at a time.

My mom was diagnosed with BPD in her late 20s, so I'm very familiar with what it looks like. My psychologist also believes that my ex, at the very least, displays BPD tendencies, so I thought I would seek out a place like this forum. I really don't know why I'm posting this. It's been about 5 months since we broke up, and it's definitely getting easier, but there are days when I can't fight the tears. I miss her so much. My T believes that she won't find happiness in this relationship, and that she'll reach out to me again one day. I don't know if I even want that or not. She's 25, and this is her 12th relationship and 2nd engagement. I know that I'll always love her... .but I can't believe the way I was treated.

So a couple of things: were there aspects of your ex that reminded you of your mother, and was that part of the attraction or connection and/or did it feel familiar on some level?  There could be value digging there.

And why did you post, really?  You don't sound detached yet, and talking through it here and getting feedback can help a lot; we look forward to hearing more.  Take care of you!

[kentavr3]

read a book about post break up conditions. The ups and downs will continue. Work with therapist. If needed take some antidepressants based on serotonin. If you work on yourself, this terrible part will continue about 9-8 months from my experience. But you have to keep no contact no matter what. You fail with no contact - you are dead man. No sorry! No dead man. Dead man will feel better - means no feeling. The relationship and beak up that always happened with BPD is most difficult. learn about narcissus also. This will give a lot more understanding.  I went through restraining order against me. The restraining order was denied. Judge was educated , Thanks God! Rename the her name on the cell phone to something funny. I have "exBPDw" for her.

[Pretty Woman]

This is exactly how they act. There is no rationale to going back to an abusive ex and getting engaged... .

right? Think about that, friend. Were these people really terrible to her? Likely she was "white knighting" you and these are decent people, just like you. 

I used to despise my ex's exes until I realized she smeared them to me just like she smeared me to her current love. Unbelieveable things... .like I'm a rapist and I emotionally degraded her.
The funny part (even though there is zero humor in those accusations) is she is the one who called me vicious names and even physically attacked me. I was more like a meek mouse, afraid and isolated.

It hurts to be discarded and then hear they are engaged months later. All I am going to say is this... .

She dumped him before didn't she? What makes you think this is going to work all of a sudden? A leopard cannot change their spots.

My ex was married. She married a man and almost killed him (emotionally) during their marriage. He tried to commit suicide and she dumped him because that was selfish. She even aborted their child. Then to add salt to the wounds... .she became a lesbian.

This is the time for you to heal. While we are not all cut from the same cloth if her pattern is returning to exes for validation don't think it won't happen to you. I had RO's threatened upon me and mine still returned... .several times.

How are you feeling right now? What do YOU want for yourself? THAT is most important. If you are anything like many of us on here you are struggling with the rejection part of this, not love... .because is love treating someone like this? No, it isn't. This was very one sided with you being the loving one.

This is the time to work on yourself and get better. I know you can.  It gets easier. Keep working on you!

 
PW

[PolandSpring4]

Hi PolandSpring4-

And welcome to

I'm sorry you went through that, it is very painful and confusing, and unfortunately it's not unique around here, as you've surely read.  And the good news is there's a way out and a way to your bright future, one day at a time.

My mom was diagnosed with BPD in her late 20s, so I'm very familiar with what it looks like. My psychologist also believes that my ex, at the very least, displays BPD tendencies, so I thought I would seek out a place like this forum. I really don't know why I'm posting this. It's been about 5 months since we broke up, and it's definitely getting easier, but there are days when I can't fight the tears. I miss her so much. My T believes that she won't find happiness in this relationship, and that she'll reach out to me again one day. I don't know if I even want that or not. She's 25, and this is her 12th relationship and 2nd engagement. I know that I'll always love her... .but I can't believe the way I was treated.

So a couple of things: were there aspects of your ex that reminded you of your mother, and was that part of the attraction or connection and/or did it feel familiar on some level?  There could be value digging there.

And why did you post, really?  You don't sound detached yet, and talking through it here and getting feedback can help a lot; we look forward to hearing more.  Take care of you!

I don't think I subconsciously noticed any real similarities to my mother until the end of the relationship. My ex definitely had moments where I could see the facade cracking, but she always quickly recovered. I only really noticed those instances in retrospect. It is probably something worth exploring though. I have an appointment with my T on Friday, and I'll probably bring it up.

I posted because I'm feeling extraordinarily overwhelmed today. I really am not detached. I've never had a relationship quite like this one(maybe not a good thing!). I've been reading posts for the last week or so, and I was so distracted while trying to work today, I decided I needed to just get some of this off my chest. I have never been so hurt in my life. I confided things in her that she used to turn the knife when she was done with me. I guess I should feel like I dodged a bullet, but I think I need more time.

[kentavr3]

Good advice fromheeltoheal ! But I would not suggest you to work on your childhood traumas right now when you are in a great pain. You can bring yourself a secondary trauma. Read about them. Give yourself time. Read, read, read. Many books about BPD or NPD. When you start vomiting from these information, you can work on why this happened to you. this is more interesting than BPD. I've changed my behavioral and brook with my NPD father who humiliated me all my life. I just turned 50! My father is 81. And only, now I understood a time for changes.

[PolandSpring4]

This is exactly how they act. There is no rationale to going back to an abusive ex and getting engaged... .

right? Think about that, friend. Were these people really terrible to her? Likely she was "white knighting" you and these are decent people, just like you. 

I used to despise my ex's exes until I realized she smeared them to me just like she smeared me to her current love. Unbelieveable things... .like I'm a rapist and I emotionally degraded her.
The funny part (even though there is zero humor in those accusations) is she is the one who called me vicious names and even physically attacked me. I was more like a meek mouse, afraid and isolated.

It hurts to be discarded and then hear they are engaged months later. All I am going to say is this... .

She dumped him before didn't she? What makes you think this is going to work all of a sudden? A leopard cannot change their spots.

My ex was married. She married a man and almost killed him (emotionally) during their marriage. He tried to commit suicide and she dumped him because that was selfish. She even aborted their child. Then to add salt to the wounds... .she became a lesbian.

This is the time for you to heal. While we are not all cut from the same cloth if her pattern is returning to exes for validation don't think it won't happen to you. I had RO's threatened upon me and mine still returned... .several times.

How are you feeling right now? What do YOU want for yourself? THAT is most important. If you are anything like many of us on here you are struggling with the rejection part of this, not love... .because is love treating someone like this? No, it isn't. This was very one sided with you being the loving one.

This is the time to work on yourself and get better. I know you can.  It gets easier. Keep working on you!

 
PW

Thank you so much. I'm sorry for what you went through. That sounds truly terrible.

I'm not sure what I want right now. I recently got a new job, and I'm hitting the gym 6 days a week again. I stopped going for a few months after the breakup because I  could barely function. It feels great to be back in there. I think I just need to not think about relationships for a while. It wouldn't be fair to my potential partner or me. Thanks again.

[Pretty Woman]

Yes, please do not jump into new without cleaning out the old hurt feelings. I did that and hurt the next person who truly didn't deserve it.

Focus on you. Your feelings ARE valid. Treat yourself with kindness.