Normal vs BPD Breakups

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been wondering about the differences between normal breakups and BPD breakups.  It seems like we all here attribute our relationships ending due to the disorder.  However, isn’t it possible that the person just no longer wanted to be in the relationship the same way “nons” do when we no longer like/love a person?  Is everything always BPD related in breakups?

Also, do pwBPD stay away from ex’s that demand accountability and answers?  I get the feeling I will never hear from him again because he knows unless we deal with his angry outburst and apologize, we wouldn't get pass "hello".  Plus I think he honestly hates me and happy with the new person.

Lastly, when a pwBPD gets “found out”, do they begin to devalue the person who is beginning to understand they have a mental issue?  I ask because I told my ex his behavior was irrational, outlandish, and he should go see someone about it and he never questioned me... .just never addressed my statements at all. 

Personally, I am glad I found out about BPD after the relationship ended because I would have tried everything possible to help him; to my own detriment.  Now all I feel is relief and a thirst to fully understand what I was involved with.  I no longer feel jealous of his new woman.  I no longer hold myself responsible for “hurting him” (when I could never figure out what I was doing to hurt him in the first place).  And I no longer blame myself for not attaching to him earlier in the relationship (an issue he used to beat me over the head with even after I committed).  If I had, I would be an even worse emotional wreck than I was. 

I do find myself wanting to get him some help; more for his kids than anything else.  Realizing he has this issue, I can’t imagine what they will go through.   But I’m not; gonna stay in my blissful no contact and keep it pushing. 

[trainwrecked1]

I have been wondering about the differences between normal breakups and BPD breakups.  It seems like we all here attribute our relationships ending due to the disorder.  However, isn’t it possible that the person just no longer wanted to be in the relationship the same way “nons” do when we no longer like/love a person?  Is everything always BPD related in breakups?

Also, do pwBPD stay away from ex’s that demand accountability and answers?  I get the feeling I will never hear from him again because he knows unless we deal with his angry outburst and apologize, we wouldn't get pass "hello".  Plus I think he honestly hates me and happy with the new person.

Lastly, when a pwBPD gets “found out”, do they begin to devalue the person who is beginning to understand they have a mental issue?  I ask because I told my ex his behavior was irrational, outlandish, and he should go see someone about it and he never questioned me... .just never addressed my statements at all. 

Personally, I am glad I found out about BPD after the relationship ended because I would have tried everything possible to help him; to my own detriment.  Now all I feel is relief and a thirst to fully understand what I was involved with.  I no longer feel jealous of his new woman.  I no longer hold myself responsible for “hurting him” (when I could never figure out what I was doing to hurt him in the first place).  And I no longer blame myself for not attaching to him earlier in the relationship (an issue he used to beat me over the head with even after I committed).  If I had, I would be an even worse emotional wreck than I was. 

I do find myself wanting to get him some help; more for his kids than anything else.  Realizing he has this issue, I can’t imagine what they will go through.   But I’m not; gonna stay in my blissful no contact and keep it pushing. 

[eprogeny]

I have been wondering about the differences between normal breakups and BPD breakups.  It seems like we all here attribute our relationships ending due to the disorder.  However, isn’t it possible that the person just no longer wanted to be in the relationship the same way “nons” do when we no longer like/love a person?  Is everything always BPD related in breakups?

Yes, absolutely that's possible.  For me, I very much believe my uBPDexgf wanted out.  No question.  She told me she wanted out because she couldn't handle her emotions for me.  They were all over the place, never consistent, and very extreme - loving me wholly one moment, and not caring at me at all in the next. 

That sort of oscillation, and the havoc it causes for the person feeling it, is a hallmark of BPD.  So, in that sense I think it makes sense to "blame" the disorder for the end of the relationship... .but, to be perfectly fair, it may very well be that when someone with BPD wants to end a relationship this is how it ends up being felt by them.  Their severe issues with feelings of abandonment might be what drives that oscillation, really. 

I could understand that.  Wanting out of a relationship for all the right reasons, but fearing the abandonment and the shame/self-esteem loss at how the other might react, I suspect could definitely trigger episodes of wile emotion. 

I also think it is why the process of the breakup is so cyclical, and so exhausting.  If the person with BPD could slow their emotions down they could probably find a better way to deal with whatever caused them to want the end in the first place.  I have no doubt there have been many a relationship that ended because the BPD person wasn't able to get to the heart of a solvable problem.

Also, do pwBPD stay away from ex’s that demand accountability and answers?  I get the feeling I will never hear from him again because he knows unless we deal with his angry outburst and apologize, we wouldn't get pass "hello".  Plus I think he honestly hates me and happy with the new person.

Yes, many of those with BPD find it impossible to deal with that sort of confrontation.  It is common for them to feel so much self-hatred and shame over their actions that they would rather avoid the target of those actions than to own up to them properly.  When they do, and when it is sincere, it is an incredibly painful experience for them.  Not many people without BPD can do that, imagine how much harder it is under circumstances like that, you know?

Lastly, when a pwBPD gets “found out”, do they begin to devalue the person who is beginning to understand they have a mental issue?  I ask because I told my ex his behavior was irrational, outlandish, and he should go see someone about it and he never questioned me... .just never addressed my statements at all.

I don't know that someone with BPD would devalue for that reason alone.  That is more the behavior of a Narcissist.  Someone with BPD would most likely begin to devalue over a fear of being abandoned - which "being found out" might trigger, but very easily might not trigger.  If someone with BPD is confronted with their actions in a way that allows them to see the damage they've caused - without also being blamed or shamed for it, then I don't think they would see it as a trigger.   

Most people without BPD would avoid someone who blames them for all their wrong-doings, but someone with BPD is looking for self-worth, validation, and for someone who will never abandon them.  If the confrontation wasn't judgmental and was instead a loving one, I don't see a BPD person being triggered enough to instantly devalue over that.

[joeramabeme]

Hi trainwrecked1

Really insightful post and some great questions you asked. 

I have been wondering about the differences between normal breakups and BPD breakups.  It seems like we all here attribute our relationships ending due to the disorder.  However, isn’t it possible that the person just no longer wanted to be in the relationship the same way “nons” do when we no longer like/love a person?  Is everything always BPD related in breakups?

It seems that there would be some truth to what you say; perhaps the person no longer wanted to be in the relationship.  For myself, what I heard as the reasons for her unhappiness were a function of what I was doing.  This is where I got stuck in thinking that it was all about me.  In fact, it may very well have been her feelings about the r/s in general but those ideas were communicated in a way that made it appear as if the cause was something else entirely. 

My ex was very smart, intuitive and perceptive (especially about me), she may very well have had solid reasons for wanting to leave - but none that made sense in the light of the words she shared with me.  So while the reasons the marriage ended may not be exclusively (perhaps even primarily) related to BPD; the presentation of that ending was certainly all about those traits.

Lastly, when a pwBPD gets “found out”, do they begin to devalue the person who is beginning to understand they have a mental issue?

BPD is a shame based disorder.  I would suspect that many of the behaviors we experience during the r/s are defense mechanisms that are reactions to an internal feeling of shame.  I would see no reason that this would stop after the ending of a r/s and in fact may be more pronounced given the degree of exposure one might be feeling after an extended r/s.

Many threads talk about how the progression of the r/s ending seemed to have an accelerated sense of trying harder to make it work.  My experience was that the more precise and persistent my descriptions were of her behavior that I didn't like were stated, the more seemingly strange and angry her comments became.  I think this is a function of feeling "found out" and feeling more exposed.  And, perhaps related to your first question, may be one of the reasons some pwBPD discard others; best to disappear before they see me as I really am. 

Personally, I am glad I found out about BPD after the relationship ended because I would have tried everything possible to help him; to my own detriment.

Amen to that!  I had begun to learn about it all at the tail of end of my marriage while still living with her.  I tried to compare what I was reading about to real time behaviors - thinking I could demonstrate it all to her - big mistake!

This is all really great and you are ready to move on - a really big step for any of us here.

Keep posting, JRB

[trainwrecked1]

Thanks for the responses.

I think its easier to put it on the illness and more than likely that is the case.  However, I think if  a pwBPD wants to end it for typical reasons, it may be a more normal breakup.  If they no longer have feelings, it's hard to believe they would rage/push you away harshly when walking away is something they are good at.  It doesn't appear they rage at people they have no feelings for.

In my case, he convinced himself that I didn't care for him one minute and the next minute saying it wasn't soon enough that I should have loved him sooner.  It became obvious he didn't want to be in a healthy relationship with me or unable to get over something that 99% of mature adults would understand.  I went from being the "One" he wanted to spend the rest of his life with to us being incompatible and he felt I was just settling for him. (This convo happened seven weeks after I ended things).

Thinking back though, his level of immaturity is astounding.  I'm a couple of years older than him so I chalked it up to age but now that I know about BPD, I can see it clearly.  He thought it was funny to trip me once at the mall... .like a 12 year old child would.  I didn't fall but he thought it was the funniest thing, me not so much.  Another time I accidentally stepped on his foot so he purposely stepped on mine... .like a 12 year old child would.   His car is painted like a Star Wars car, complete with stickers on the hubcaps and logos all around it... .like a toy car.  It actually looks cool but I always thought it was odd for a grown man to customize their car that way. 

Anyone else have examples of immaturity with their ex pwBPD?

[Imnotalone]

My exBPD had a lot immaturity when it came to arguing or retaliating. Subliminal tweets / texts. Would retaliate by going out and not inviting me places and posting pictures with captions basically calling me out.


She wanted things to happen immediately and wanted to be flowered in gifts and love letters for her reassurance aspect I suppose but didn't value any of the trips we went on.  It wasn't enough to travel the world she had to have those little notes and presents.

No physical tricks though be it did seem like she was a little girl in regards to confidence and constant want of being rewarded.


Another thing to add when I ended things she sent me all these texts about how I will never find someone like her that buys me shirts when she goes to New York (she did that one time) and other small things that didn't make any sense.

[steelwork]

If I had to say what was different about this breakup, it would have to be the way it was processed. It's like he thought he'd already told me everything that was going on beneath the surface, and then he was furious that I hadn't read his mind. He just kind of altered reality to soothe himself.

He had started seeing someone else and not told me about it, and then when it came to light, he convinced himself we had not even been in touch during this period. Then he went on the offensive in a way I'd never experienced. Then there were freeze-outs, and finally ghosting. I'd never experienced any of that before. And I'm no spring chicken!

[trainwrecked1]

If I had to say what was different about this breakup, it would have to be the way it was processed. It's like he thought he'd already told me everything that was going on beneath the surface, and then he was furious that I hadn't read his mind. He just kind of altered reality to soothe himself.

He had started seeing someone else and not told me about it, and then when it came to light, he convinced himself we had not even been in touch during this period. Then he went on the offensive in a way I'd never experienced. Then there were freeze-outs, and finally ghosting. I'd never experienced any of that before. And I'm no spring chicken!

That makes a lot of sense.  My ex used to act like I knew what was in his head as well.  I thought I was going crazy for a minute there.  He had a way of making everything either my fault or I misunderstood the event.  He NEVER misinterpreted, was wrong, or admitted to any factual faults. 

Is he still with the other person?  How long did his previous relationship(s) last on average?

[steelwork]

Is he still with the other person?  How long did his previous relationship(s) last on average?

No idea. They were together a year ago, and that's the last I heard.

He was married for 12 years, and before that he had a lot of different relationships about which he was vague.

[pjstock42]

In my personal experience, the lead up to the breakup is one of the biggest differences in BPD vs non-BPD relationships.

In a normal relationship: there is a slow and gradual degradation of the bond between the 2 people. This can be through the people just generally becoming distant from each other, not prioritizing their time for the other as much as they once did and getting into somewhat frequent arguments with the other. This distancing is usually openly addressed via conversation as the two individuals are mature adults and want to understand what's happening. This will either lead to the 2 people committing to work things out and doing so through their actions or reaching a mutual decision that they need to part ways. Of course, not all non-BPD relationships end in such a straightforward manner and most often one person has to finally pull the trigger but there is at least some understanding on both sides of where this decision came from.

In a BPD relationship:

There may be constant fighting/devaluing (there wasn't for me) but the pwBPD will never allow for this to be addressed via a mature discussion as mentioned above. In my case, there were a few small bumps in the road that you would expect to occur in any relationship moving past the honeymoon-phase but there was never any communication to me near the end that we needed to talk about or address anything. Quite the contrary to this actually, as everything was portrayed to me as being wonderful, she seemed happy all of the time and it felt like we were closer than we ever have been before. Then, the discard happens and you go from being on cloud nine to feeling like your world has just exploded because you weren't expecting this to happen and had no idea in your head that this person who professed their love for you could treat you in such a way.

Along with this degradation process, of course one of this biggest differences is the lack of closure you receive from relationships with pwBPD. Perhaps you two fought but always stuck together through it so you never thought that one fight could randomly blow the whole thing up. Or, such as in my case, everything seemed to be perfect and you were so caught off guard that you spend weeks/months thinking about things in an attempt to reach some semblance of understanding. In either case, attempting to receive closure for you pwBPD ex will lead you nowhere fast and most often only causes more pain and confusion. They can play the "sweet & loving" card which will just make you wonder why they would do this to you if they really felt love/care for you or they can paint you to black and in an instant go from thinking you're the best person in the world to portraying you as some kind of monster who is completely at fault for the demise of the relationship.

[trainwrecked1]

In my personal experience, the lead up to the breakup is one of the biggest differences in BPD vs non-BPD relationships.

I think in my case, it was related to BPD disguised as normal.

It seems like he absolutely refused to move on.  He kept bringing up the same issue that we (or so I thought) worked through but he continued to hold it over my head.  One day we would be fine, the next he would say how much I hurt him and he couldn't get over it (I wasn't doing anything to hurt him).  I thought I was on a never ending merry-go-round at the end.  So from his perspective, he just couldn't get over the (imaginary problem).  From my perspective, he became rude, mean, nasty, and verbal abusive where he forced me to end things.  Any non-BPD person would have moved on and functioned properly in the relationship but I think he was incapable of doing so because of BPD.

[bus boy]

Hi trainwrecked1, my xw was very immature when dealing with issues. Mean, rude, sarcastic, demoralizing, emotionally and verbally abusive. No issue was ever resolved. We had normal r/s issues but they were always blown out of proportion and imagined issues were always being brought up especially about my family. There was never any peace, things would be good for a couple of weeks than she would dredge something up about my family or me. Now that I'm writing this, it just struck me that although she is totally out of my life for over a year, the 2 week cycle is still alive and kicking. Every couple of weeks I get some kind of a rude text. I'm still apart of her cycle of hurt. Maybe she is giving me her venom to hide her true self from her bf. I am the enemy bc I saw her in full swing with her mask off. If I brought up counselling or worked hard to save our r/s she would get worse especially at my requests for counselling.  Bringing up counselling got a reaction similar to showing a cross to a vampire.

[bunny4523]

Anyone else have examples of immaturity with their ex pwBPD?

I definately experienced emotional immaturity with my ex.  I used to have to use the tools I learned for dealing with my teenage boys on him.  He acted like an emotional teenage girl on her period.  I'm not even kidding.  One time, I was going to run to Target and he gets in my face and says, "another 3 hour shopping trip?"  I was taken a back... .had no idea what he was talking about or why he was so intense.  His face was all red and he had this snarl.  I said, "I don't think so I'm just going to go grab some cat litter and take "my sons name" to get pens.  He says, "He" is going too.  As I started to say "yes."  He says, "good!" and then storms off huffing and puffing.

Another instance we were talking about running me signing up for another half marathon.  He started acting like I was asking about exploring an "open marriage".  He got all upset about me wanting to run which I had done 5 other times since he has known me.  He told me that he doesn't understand why I would want to be running with other men instead of spending time with him.  Confused, I said, "the group I run with is all girls."  He says, "but there will be other men there right so you'll be running with other men?"  I had to laugh inside visualizing myself trying to run but also avoiding being anywhere near any males.  

He wanted to buy me a new car and asked me how I felt about it.  I was open to it but not eager for the change.  He then started telling me how if he buys me a car then  he doesn't want my best friend or her kids in it cause he wants to keep it nice.  My best friend and I have swapped cars in the past if the need arised.  He didn't want that either.  I told him, it's fine, I'd rather just keep my car then have to deal with all these new rules.  That way I could do what I want with MY car.  

He did alot of weird immature things like my best friend and I bought matching bracelets to wear.  He went out and bought me a bracelet and expected me to stop wearing hers since this new one was nicer.

He got all upset at a party we went to. (family party, kids were there) because he heard I was playing beer pong in the backyard.  He goes off telling me how he doesn't want to be with someone who would do that.  basically made me out to be a whore, just demeaning me and looking at me with disgust.  Out of complete confusion, I just looked at him and said, "do you even know what beer pong is."  He looked me straight in the eyes and said... .wait for it... ."no."  How the heck can you be so upset over something when you don't even know what it is?

He quit going to a gym we became members at because he thought he saw a guy there that he thinks used to like me because a group of us from my old work would meet up for lunch once a month.  

We got into an argument because he heard a story about how my best friend's cousin pushed me in a pool 3 years before my ex and I ever even met.  He just kept attacking my character, how would I let someone do that.  The kind of message it is sending.  I'm like, you weren't even there... .didn't matter.

I told him that he is very irrational when he is emotional... .I didn't see it early on, only after he was more invested.  In the begininng he was so confident, patient, not jealous, seemed very secure in himself.  

That is what is so crazy, how it just changed one day... . it was so hard to understand.  I spent months so confused... .Ugh so relieved to be out of that.

Bunny

[trainwrecked1]

When I hear people say you attract what you are, I question that alot.  I have had 4 serious relationships, including marriage and 3 out of the 4 were normal.  One guy I dated didn't have a personality disorder but was severely broken by his mother and abused by his uncle (I think sexually but he only cops to physical).

There wasn't a lot I was attracted to with my BPD other than how well he treated me.  Totally honest and transparent with his life.  Never had anyone, including my ex husband be as in tune as he was.  So he wore me down after a while.  However, I personally do not feel there is something in me attracting personality disordered people. But when I think about how immature he really is, I am interested in exploring what that could mean for myself.

[joeramabeme]

When I hear people say you attract what you are, I question that alot. 

I would re-write that to say you have a propensity to attract people to your emotional level.  I don't think that implies that everyone we are attracted to has BPD, rather, we may possess traits that make us susceptible to attracting this.

Like you, all my prior relationships are non-BPD relationships.  I wonder since BPD is a spectrum disorder and different folks have varying degrees of those traits; if there are just areas of a non personality that may be attractive to BPs in general.  For example, I grew up as a very understanding and sympathetic person.  That is attractive to BP's and Non-BP's alike.  However, in the context of a BP r/s this can be a detriment and vice - versa. Further, some of those same qualities may be admirable in different scenarios - perhaps you work as a Social Worker etc.

So, I think you make a good point that there is no rule of thumb per-se and conversely, there are probably things that we all need to look at if we have been involved in a BP r/s.