Why the heck am I feeling guilty?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I haven't posted on here forever; not much has changed, but I have been doing better at keeping out of my parents' issues and feel like I am doing well with coping skills and not dwelling on issues.

But I keep finding myself feeling guilty for things I completely have nothing to do with. Like today, uBPDm did something that my dad did not think was appropriate, and they argued a little. I said nothing, but my dad later commented "That didn't go well." I told him to leave me out of it. She is sulking now, which means she won't talk to either of us if possible.

I know this is none of my problem and have nothing to feel guilty for, but I still do. I think it stems from wanting things to be calm and content. Ugh, I hate this aspect of personality disorders! I figured it might help just to write things out. Sometimes dealing with it is so, so difficult.

[ViaCrusis1689]

I haven't posted on here forever; not much has changed, but I have been doing better at keeping out of my parents' issues and feel like I am doing well with coping skills and not dwelling on issues.

But I keep finding myself feeling guilty for things I completely have nothing to do with. Like today, uBPDm did something that my dad did not think was appropriate, and they argued a little. I said nothing, but my dad later commented "That didn't go well." I told him to leave me out of it. She is sulking now, which means she won't talk to either of us if possible.

I know this is none of my problem and have nothing to feel guilty for, but I still do. I think it stems from wanting things to be calm and content. Ugh, I hate this aspect of personality disorders! I figured it might help just to write things out. Sometimes dealing with it is so, so difficult.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI ViaCrusis1689:   

I think that most of us with a pwBPD in our lives, need to reach out for support from time to time.  It can be helpful to interact with others who are going through similar situations.

Does your mom admit to having BPD?  Is she in any therapy?

Perhaps a little reading about FOG will help.

This link will take you to a 13-page discussion on
THE SILENT TREATMENT

Here are two additional links on the Silent Treatment.
www.blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2014/11/the-silent-treatment-and-what-you-can-do-to-stop-it-cold/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzoRNh-TK38

Perhaps some of the above links might give you some new ideas to use and perhaps share with your father to use.

[ViaCrusis1689]

HI ViaCrusis1689:   

I think that most of us with a pwBPD in our lives, need to reach out for support from time to time.  It can be helpful to interact with others who are going through similar situations.

Does your mom admit to having BPD?  Is she in any therapy?

Perhaps a little reading about FOG will help.

This link will take you to a 13-page discussion on
THE SILENT TREATMENT

Here are two additional links on the Silent Treatment.
www.blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2014/11/the-silent-treatment-and-what-you-can-do-to-stop-it-cold/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzoRNh-TK38

Perhaps some of the above links might give you some new ideas to use and perhaps share with your father to use.

Thank you so much for your reply! I will have to take time to look at the information you shared; I appreciate it.

No, my mom doesn't see her personality or behavior to be the cause of the issues with others; it is always the other person's fault. So she's not in therapy, and I can't see her ever admitting to needed it.

My dad is resigned to it always being like this, so he just endures it. It is frustrating as I see how he could try to be more constructive with how he responds to her as I try to as much as possible.

Thanks again for the support!

[Naughty Nibbler]

ViaCrusis1689:

Hang in there.  You will just need to keep doing what you are doing - try your best to learn about and use tools to deal with your mom's specific behaviors. 

Most of the communication skills and strategies are useful even in healthy relationships.  Perhaps, after you feel confident with certain strategies, you might be able to share small measures with your dad.

You might find this thread on circular arguments helpful for you.  If you can catch your dad at a receptive moment (when your mom isn't home), perhaps it could be helpful for him to read.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0;all

My dad used to do the silent treatment.  I could remember my parents not talking for spans of a week or two, when I was young.  My mom evolved to not getting angry with him and seemed to tune him out.  My dad was still grumpy and critical, but as he aged, he grew out of using the silent treatment (perhaps it was just that my mom quit
arguing with him).

[Notwendy]

Growing up in our FOO's, I think there were expectations of us that were unreasonable, but kept the family in balance. When a member is dysfunctional, other family members can take on roles that may work in the context of the family but are not emotionally healthy ways of relating to people.

I had a paradoxical role as both scapegoat ( black child ) and rescuer/peacemaker. I was also parentified- enlisted as a caretaker, helper, peacemaker to my BPDmother.

Eventually, I didn't want to take on these dysfunctional roles, and the result is that my parents were angry at me. I expected that my father would be supportive that I was an independent and strong person, but it was the opposite. When one family member changes their behavior, it makes the other members uncomfortable- because the family feels out of balance.

A part of BPD is emotional immaturity. As I grew up, my view of my mother's behaviors changed. She wasn't so much of a mystery to me as my father was. He seemed to have it together, but like your father, chose the way of appeasement. Trying to get him to acknowledge Mom's BPD was futile, at least for me. The bond between my parents was very strong, even if it didn't make sense to me. If I upset my mother in any way, he would be upset with me too.

I felt guilty for their unhappiness when I chose to not be the fixer, rescuer, peacemaker. But it was a necessary step for me.FOG (fear, guilt, obligation) is strong in such families, and I think something we inevitably feel at times.

I think as children, we see our parents as all powerful. Then, we grow up and see that they are imperfect humans like the rest of us. You are maturing within your FOO, but your parents may be stuck in behavior that you see as emotionally unhealthy. Your task is to be who you are, and their relationship is their responsibility.