She is threatening to contact my work

[CooperD]

Hi everyone,

I am relatively knew to the boards but have been struggling with my BPD wife for a couple of years.

I have been driven to the point of complete despair and really feel she is out to deliberately destroy my life.  Only last night she told me she would not even be bothered if I was found dead.

Over the last few years she has been physically violent to me, has threatened to falsely accuse me of raping her, has smashed up parts of my house, has argued with my friends and has told as many people as she can about what a sexual failure I am etc etc.  Thanks to all the wonderful posts on here i can see that those are attempts at her to isolate me and reduce my self-esteem to such an extent that I submit to her.

Like a fool i have pleaded with her / i have done everything i can to pacify her (sent her money / paid for flights / had work colleagues contact her to confirm im not having an affair with them !) but none of it makes a difference.  She just finds the next thing to focus upon.

My real concern now is that she is threatening to contact my work and make all sorts of allegations against me - being a liar etc etc (i work in quite a sensitive role and so this could potentially destroy my career) and she is also threatening to post all my details over social media about what a bad wicked person i am.

What on earth do i do

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

What on earth do i do?

Post on a relationship "tools" board like this one (I replicated you post from detaching) and try to troubleshoot this a bit so that you can make some decisions.  For that (making decisons) you can use the Deciding/Conflicted board. The Detaching board is fro members that are out.

Over the last few years she has been physically violent to me, has threatened to falsely accuse me of raping her, has smashed up parts of my house, has argued with my friends and has told as many people as she can about what a sexual failure I am... .

This is intolerable stuff. One way or another, you need to makes changes that end this. You're still with her. Are you wanting to try and understand what is going on and see if you can get her to stop?

really feel she is out to deliberately destroy my life.

Is it vengeance? Is she so anger? Is it control?  Is it hurt?  Is it self-loathing?

Any idea?

[Skip]

My friends/family are concerned that she could one day stab me

Assault with a deadly weapon is felony stuff... .what do you think this is possible? Has there been felony level attacks or threats?   

When you two fight what do you fight over and how do the emotions get so heated that there is physical violence. What is happening?

[livednlearned]

Only last night she told me she would not even be bothered if I was found dead.

Oof. It is hard to be on the receiving end of comments like this. Glad you found the site and are sharing this, it hurts.

My real concern now is that she is threatening to contact my work and make all sorts of allegations against me - being a liar etc etc (i work in quite a sensitive role and so this could potentially destroy my career) and she is also threatening to post all my details over social media about what a bad wicked person i am.

What on earth do i do

My son's father (n/BPD) did this. It went all the way to the top, very embarrassing. I wonder in retrospect if it's pretty common for our employers to already have a clue that we're dealing with difficult spouses. Mine did not seem to bat an eye when my ex began sending emails.

What do you think about being proactive and talking to your HR person? Or supervisor/boss?

My organization stood by me in a way that surprised me. Both of my superiors had experience with difficult people (former spouses, family members), and that helped. They also suspected I had trouble at home, so much for trying to keep things locked down. 

[Inquisitive1]

Great responses here. As Skip's posts point out, there's so much we don't know. More info will lead to better advice.

If you trust your boss or someone in Human Resources (HR), I think it is a good idea to speak with them about the situation. I've got a long and secure relationship with my boos, so I've talked to him about my BPD wife a few times, not going into detail just giving a general idea that she struggles and we have conflict. This sets the stage for a situation like you're in. Best to be out in front of any emails she sends. Discussing if and how you should talk to your boss/HR could make a good separate thread.

I suggest attacking this topic on three fronts:
1) Connect with resources here to try and improve your relationship. Whether you stay together or not, you'll be better off if you can communicate better and not get hooked into escalating arguments. The information available on this site has definitely helped me be less reactive to attacks by my wife, which has helped me de-escalate some fights.
2) At the same time, think about the boundaries you need to set. Read about boundaries here. One key thing to keep in mind when setting boundaries, the consequence must be fully within in your control--don't expect your BPD to adhere to your boundaries, set boundaries and have a plan of what you'll do if she crosses the boundary. An example of bad boundary, I won't let her get physical. An example of a good boundary, if she gets physical, I'll leave the house. That's in your control.
3) Consider the end game. If her behavior continues, you may need to leave her. You may want to prepare for that by consulting with an attorney. That's probably the best person to advise you on how to deal with some of the things she's threatening.

Best of luck, I1

[Woods77]

As said earlier, maybe worth pre-emptive telling work she might contact them.

From what you've said, perhaps time to ask hard questions, why do you stay? What do you want out of a relationship? If you can get her in therapy that's a start. At some stage you need to ask tough questions including what's best for you.

There is help available for BPD, without it, it's very hard on everyone.

[GaGrl]

I've spent most of my career in areas of HR/People Services. Believe me, they can be one of your strongest supports! Please do let your supervisor and your HR rep know the situation.

If your company has an Employee Assistance Program, call and tell them what you are dealing with... .They can suggest resources and even provide 2-3 months of counseling services, to include DV counseling/safety plans.

The more HR knows about the serious nature of a situation, the more they can and want to help. No one wants an incident on company property or that can be connected to something the company could have helped prevent.