has anyone here just left your wife without a way for her to support herself?

[byfaith]

if so how did you feel? How long did it take for your conscience to recover? maybe you had enough and at that point it didn't matter

My wife has no means to support herself. She has a son who has schizophrenia. I was willing to be part of his life ( just not in the way she wants). My wife suffers with lifelong clinical depression. I know I can't fix that. I don't know how to be supportive of the depression any longer. She does not seek any help. I can't take up the slack anymore. I feel like I don't have a home. It seems like I have to guard every piece of ground I can when I am home to give myself some "peace".  We try to pull close to each other and it just isn't working.

How do you handle this? She told me yesterday that she could not do this to her mom while her mom was still alive, but that she considers killing her son to put him out of his misery and then killing herself. That is a dark, dark place to be in.

My objective side says to myself, there are ways to get help for depression, she is not getting any help, what do I do? I say to myself.
She can't help herself, but she can. But she doesn't.

I know this, that as his mother, she would take the SZ on herself if she could. The closest thing to her is creating a life for herself that let's her feel his pain as close as she can without totally going under. Maybe that sounds crazy on my part.

I want to say this about my wife. She does try to stay up and in a decent mood. She will laugh and joke BUT for the most part my wife choses not to live a life. She literally has one pair of pants to wear out in public. These are just a pair of sweat pants. She will go to the grocery store if needed without complaining. She stays up until 3, 4 in the morning and sleeps until 1 or 2 in the afternoon and sits in a recliner most of the day. Maybe once every 10 days she will actually clean the kitchen. That means when I get home, all the dishes are done and the counter cleaned off.

I know it sounds like I am complaining here. My head is hurting I will come back with some more thoughts. I am just trying to mentally survive right know. It is way more than what I am explaining.

[flourdust]

No, when I separated from my wife, I voluntarily provided a temporary stipend to her for living expenses.  I wanted to cut it off after a certain date, but my attorney advised me to continue it until our court date. Otherwise, it would look bad to the court. I gather that the court expects us to demonstrate civil behavior in a separation, including not punitively cutting off access to needed resources.

Are you pursuing divorce? You're likely to owe her some sort of ongoing spousal support (alimony, maintenance), and you don't want to establish a precedent that you are punitive with money. That would call into question the credibility of any number you propose for support.

[formflier]

Flourdust has lots of wisdom here.

There is a moral question you are asking (and that's good to ask).

Flourdust is pointing you to legal strategy (and that is more important). 

Note:  These are not exclusive choices (moral vs legal).  I will expand on Flourdusts post and say that the most important thing here is that you follow the law and likely go a bit above and beyond (just a bit). 

This is about how the judge sees you when he compares the person in his courtroom to what the law prescribes.

A lawyer is the one to explain this to you.

1.  Get clear answer on what the law requires (the minimal position).
2.  Get a clear answer on what is a "more than reasonable" amount of support to give.

Last recommendation matters more if you live in a small area and less if large area.

3.  Ask lawyer if he knows the judge or likely judges.  Ask how those judges normally view and rule on these types of things.  What is their reputation?

FF

[byfaith]

No, I could not do it morally.
I am not pursuing divorce yet.  

I am weighing options. I am trying to plan a  little ahead if I have to go that direction full speed.

I met with an attorney last week.

The lawyer told me that there could be a period of time where I would have to pay a certain amount.

I went to her the other night and I brought up the "option" of possible separation with the basis of trying to start over. That still may be an option but the initial discussion did not go well. It ended up in the divorce realm again.

It's like I am giving up on her but this is taking me no place but down. She does not know that I went to talk to an attorney.

[formflier]

I would NEVER tell her you have talked to an attorney.

Goals:  I would hope you can shift your goals of separation and divorce to "getting your life back" and "offering her a clear choice"

Ultimately you will have to respect your wife's choice and she will have to respect yours.

Let's talk about morals.

When you get to a place where both sides are doing "immoral" things (I'm not saying you are... .this is an example), then you do have to prayerfully consider the way forward.  You are unlikely to get a clear answer from your faith. 

No need to make a list, but many of the things she has done or "offered" to you in the relationship are, IMHO, immoral.

That... .in and of itself is NOT the relationship killer.  The lack of repentance  working on those issues is the killer.

She has made a choice about what she is going to do for the relationship.  The ball is back in your court.

 

FF

[patientandclear]

To your original question: I left my exH despite that he then and now is basically incapable of taking care of himself. No job, disastrous messy home, utilities constantly being cut off ... .

It was no better and no worse when I was with him. He is miserable both ways. He somehow survives. How used to involve me and now it involves other people.

(To be clear, this is not the man wBPD I usually post about here. No idea what my exH's true diagnosis would be.)

Ironically (or maybe not), stepping out of that was the best thing I could have done for him and for our r/ship. He is a mess. But before, he was a mess and thought it was somehow my fault or responsibility to fix. That storyline is no longer available, which puts him at least one step closer to making different choices for himself (I am not holding my breath but at least now the idea of me as cause or solution is not getting in the way). And we still have a mostly crappy r/ship (only exists due to our child) but at least it's not drenched in resentment blame and guilt like it was before I stepped away from all responsibility for him.

Good luck. I know how heavy that anchor can feel. Question whether it is truly doing her again good to stay like this, I guess is my point.

[Cat Familiar]

I ended my first marriage and my husband wanted spousal support. Before the divorce, we had a business together and he quit working at it. I gave him money and worked an additional job while he chased women and took drugs.

After the divorce he sponged off a welfare mom and then finally started working part time at jobs she found for him.

I worried that he wouldn't land on his feet, but somehow he managed to manipulate other people to take care of him.