Saw exBPD last night after months...now I know why I was NC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ran into her last night in a bar.  I should have left.  I just froze.  I couldn't do anything.   She sat down and was nice as pie.  But the head games started immediately.  She ended it with how happy she is with her new bf blah blah.  Now I am left messed up again.  And mad at myself for not walking away.  Wound up texting her mean stuff and she said "was good seeing you again".  Had a nightmare last night.  Part of me hoped to see her again for closure.  Now I'm even more a mess.  I want the last word but I know I'll never get it.  Back to silence?

[Confused99]

Ran into her last night in a bar.  I should have left.  I just froze.  I couldn't do anything.   She sat down and was nice as pie.  But the head games started immediately.  She ended it with how happy she is with her new bf blah blah.  Now I am left messed up again.  And mad at myself for not walking away.  Wound up texting her mean stuff and she said "was good seeing you again".  Had a nightmare last night.  Part of me hoped to see her again for closure.  Now I'm even more a mess.  I want the last word but I know I'll never get it.  Back to silence?

[JerryRG]

I hear you Confused99

I made this mistake a few days ago, if I could do it over I would have just not talked to my exgf.

I am angry with myself, everyone has told me to lc, when I do I am ok and when I do have contact I immediately get sick.

With my exgf, she claimed to be happy with her new bf, now she's afraid of him. She's not my problem, triangulation, manipulation and searching for pity from me.

I'm still an object for her, her bf is an object.

Do I want this in my life?

Heck no!

Run the other way!

[duncsvoice]

Hey Confused,

Please try not to be so hard on yourself. I had exactly the same reaction when I bumped in to my ex whilst out shopping recently. I froze. My confidence disappeared and I completely crumbled, and spent the next week feeling awful after her telling me how happy she was in her new flat, with her new boyfriend.

Thankfully I deleted her number long ago.

Don't go looking for the last word. Your closure will come with time and self appreciation. It might seem like an awfully long road, but there will come a point where you feel nothing but relief that you are out of that chaotic world, and the realisation that they are still trapped in it.

Take care, you got this!

[Confused99]

Thx Jerry and dunc.  Yes all the drama immediately came back.  Just said some things I wish I didn't.  Thought I prepared better and was gonna be strong and act like I don't give a s*** about her.  And that didn't happen.  I crumbled.  Again after months of NC.  Now she is probably riding a high thinking I want her again.  Plus she looked terrible.  And my new girl blows her away.  Just so stuck for some reason. 

[Rayban]

Ran into her last night in a bar.  I should have left.  I just froze.  I couldn't do anything.   She sat down and was nice as pie.  But the head games started immediately.  She ended it with how happy she is with her new bf blah blah.  Now I am left messed up again.  And mad at myself for not walking away.  Wound up texting her mean stuff and she said "was good seeing you again".  Had a nightmare last night.  Part of me hoped to see her again for closure.  Now I'm even more a mess.  I want the last word but I know I'll never get it.  Back to silence?

Confused,

I've been there. Despite knowing I should avoid her at all costs, I would see her in the parking lot at work and be drawn to go speak with her instead of getting in my car and leave.

After I spoke with her, I would replay the conversation in my head for days. She would play on an insecurity and I would regret speaking with her.

In the end she knew I was trying to stay away from her, and by going and speak with her,  I provided her with a huge ego boost, by not being able to resist her. I also was letting her know that the door is still open, and an option to be used.

I want to get to the point that just the sight of her will have me head in the opposite direction.

[Cleanglass]

We all learn the hard way. Now you know not to make that mistake again. If you see her again, take control of the situation. Either walk away or don't allow yourself to play into her hands - the insecurities she plays on, face up to them and learn to accept them so she can't play on them next time.

Everybody has flaws.

[once removed]

Just so stuck for some reason. 

because youre hurt and the relationship ending was probably a major blow to your confidence and self esteem/worth.

Now she is probably riding a high thinking I want her again.  Plus she looked terrible.  And my new girl blows her away.  Just so stuck for some reason. 

i encourage you to let go of this defense; its not going to help you detach, rediscover the confidence that feels lacking, or otherwise alleviate the pain. besides, we cant know whats in our exes heads, can we?

Confused99, im not familiar with your story. how did it end? what kind of feelings were brought up upon seeing her?

[Minusone]

Confused,

If you ever run into that situation again here's a blueprint for you.

They are right when they say take control. The response is simple. When they speak about their new SO don't allow them to take care of it. You know without years of therapy on their part that the same relationship patterns you endured, he is enduring. Her saying that she is happy is a tool used to keep you in the FOG. It's how they keep you pining. Inwardly you know that she isn't happy. You know the pattern has only continued. Take control of the situation by either walking away or by stating the obvious... ."Unless you've been to therapy for years consistently there's nothing you can offer me or anyone else that would resemble a healthy relationship." The truth is hard for them to hear, sure, but the old adage is true. The truth is what can set you free.

[Confused99]

Just so stuck for some reason.  

because youre hurt and the relationship ending was probably a major blow to your confidence and self esteem/worth.

Now she is probably riding a high thinking I want her again.  Plus she looked terrible.  And my new girl blows her away.  Just so stuck for some reason.  

i encourage you to let go of this defense; its not going to help you detach, rediscover the confidence that feels lacking, or otherwise alleviate the pain. besides, we cant know whats in our exes heads, can we?

Confused99, im not familiar with your story. how did it end? what kind of feelings were brought up upon seeing her?

Yes I have tried to help some others on here with my story.  Together 4 years then married for 2.   Divorced and got back together right after divorce. We fought every day and night.  Cops lived at our house.  She was abusive.  Crazy.  Screamed.  Miserable.  Made me the same way.  But the sex and the draw early on kept me so involved.  She was beautiful.  

When our marriage started failing she had a affair.  And she left me.  Like in one hour she stop loving me and was on to him.  I endured the worst pain ever for the next 5-6 months.   She got sick of him and wanted me back.  And I did.  And she got a restraining order against him cause "he was crazy".  Then We broke up.  And recycled again.  This last time I had enough.  

She has told me she's happy with 4 straight dudes.  Getting engaged.  Moving.   Found love of her life.  Yet every 3-4 months like clockwork they all are gone.   I met someone I was and am so in love with.  Except I struggle forgetting this girl.  Every reason tells me I have to.  But it's like she has this power over me.  And I am scared to let go fully.  

I mean she got me thrown in jail.  The stories are never ending.  And no one can understand why I can't let go considering what a train wreck she is.  Her own family hates her.  I was doing so good till last night and I froze.  I froze and now she knows she can still have me whenever she wants.  I wrote nasty emails but she k ones that game.  She won.  Again

[Confused99]

Well all this led to a day full of text fighting and how busy she is.  I was a mess today.  Called her she was so busy could she call me at lunch.  Lunch came and went I sent some texts.   Then I got in swamped I'll call you when I leave office.  She didn't.  I called her.  She was getting home too busy.  Same as 6 months ago.  All games all the time.  I'm done

[Icanteven]

But the sex and the draw early on kept me so involved.  She was beautiful.  

Have you talked to anyone about these facets of your ex and what needs those attributes of hers are meeting for you?  That may sound like a dumb question or a silly point - yes, you enjoy having incredible sex with a beautiful woman; news at 11 - but this is a recurring theme on the website and something I had to explore myself in therapy.  What is she touching/unlocking in you that causes you to put up with everything else?  Is it that you're a Steady Eddie and she inspires feelings that you've never experienced with anyone else?  Are you afraid you'll never be with someone as beautiful?  And/or someone as good in bed?  Is it the drama?  Is it something you can't yet explain?

I'm finding that there are tons of beautiful, successful, never-married, no kids, smart, funny, stable, single women out there (how they are in bed I have no idea since I won't be ready for intimacy again till 2056 or so... .), so what's the draw for you? 

[lovenature]

If your new gf is wonderful, do you think from what you have just experienced that you are detached enough from your ex.pwBPD to commit to her? Many other members have said they need to fully detach and figure out why they stayed in a toxic relationship before they get into another relationship. I know I am definitely not ready for another yet.

Everyone is different, do what you think is best for you.