Bpd ex boyfriend

[Brum]

Hi everyone,

Brum here. My previous thread reached its limit so had to start a new one. Hope you find this especially Drained and Gotbushels who have helped me through this tough time.

Not sure whether you guys read my last post on my original thread about my ex boyfriend's intelligence. She'd done light please on my query.

Trying to kill time so it will tick away faster. Today I woke up and immediately thought about him. It's been almost six weeks since I left him. Feel hollow and useless sometimes. Don't even feel like watching tv or listening to music. When he had an episode he would blast music and I think he did this because he wanted to block out voices in his head. He told me once. Is this typical of BPD behaviour.

Smoking like s chimney at the mo as a coping mechanism and so want to stop. I just can't get my head around all that has happened.

[Brum]

Sorry about my typing errors. Trying to touch type on my phone is sometimes tricky.

I meant shed some light on my query... .

[drained1996]

Yes, the music thing is something I experienced as well... .the more dysregulated, the louder the volume.  It was kind of like crazy loud will drown out her crazy feelings, only it didn't... .eventually it was the alcohol that would make her pass out. 

As for the intelligence thing, many BPD's are highly intellectual.  I don't see any correlation though to your ex's superior chess strategies and "trapping", just seems coincidental to me.  Kind of ironic that many BPD's carry a high IQ, but can't see their own issues... .or rather they see them and still revert to their disordered coping mechanisms. 

And Brum, it's not about time ticking away... .it's how we use the time.  Nobody can make your pain go away... .nobody but you.  I don't say that to make you feel alone, because you have plenty of company in that we all have felt the way you feel.  We are here for you anytime.   

[Brum]

Yes Drained you're right. But it does feel like time doesn't move. How can I use it when it feels like it has come to a stand still? I'm doing things and trying to stay busy with friends etc etc but it doesn't eliminate the pain. It drags on.

The music thing is scary. I refuse to even turn my radio on in the car because he had it on so loud when he switched in behaviour. I can't stand music especially Regae, which was his addiction.

No I do believe chess is a very calculating game and suited his mind skills exactly. He used to love getting me into the check mate position which is how I feel he has trapped me in real life too. It really is check mate for me right now.

I'm hard on myself because I still care for him. Will that ever vanish? I'm just worried I will always be wondering what he's doing, where he is, whether he's made it... .I want to move on and forget him. Trust me it's not pleasurable reminding myself of his positive presence. I try and divert this longing emotion with the very long list I have created on the reasons why we weren't working as a couple. It works for a moment then the pain returns.

My hatred is fully aimed at his parents and I really hope they are in more pain than their son. It's not fair. It really isn't. They will not be able to escape from this. They will not be able to dodge what they have caused.

Thanks for listening to my rant!

[drained1996]

"My hatred is fully aimed at his parents and I really hope they are in more pain than their son."

I went through a period where I placed the blame on her parents.  Ultimately though, she is an adult and she alone is responsible for her own actions.  Her parents didn't say awful things to me, her parents didn't rage at me, her parents didn't love me one second and hate me the next.  That was all her and her own inability to regulate and comprehend life. 
So where is his culpability for you? 

You're not in check mate, you are free to move any pieces you like 

[Brum]

I don't think, Drained, that this is a period to blame his parents. I will always blame them until the day I die. Yes he is a fully grown adult but he does not want to feel this emotional hurt. He doesn't want to act this way. Often he said to me he didn't know why he behaved like this. He hasn't created this inner pain, his parents have. And they will learn to live with it. They are the ones that will suffer and even if he didn't survive, they will live with the guilt that they are responsible for ruining such a young man's life.

I hear sirens now. Just can't stop thinking it is him hurt or in trouble. If anyone should be in pain, it should be the mother and father who have caused chaos and mayhem in that man's life.

I'm sickened by them. Now I know why they acted so shameful and guilty when I met them. They know. They will always know.

[Brum]

Drained, gotbushels? You there?

Today I feel I have plunged to rock bottom. Sundays were always our PJs day and we used to spend every moment together slouching around the house and pigging out on junk food.

I don't know. I know I wouldn't have him back now but I just feel like an empty shell without him. The relationship was clearly unhealthy but the addiction to him has now hindered me in operating. I can't even think properly about other things without him popping up in my head. God knows where he is and what he's doing. I know I know... .I shouldn't be speculating like this, I should be healing myself. But let's cut the cliches here and be real. Is this pain going to linger forever! I feel like such a loser.

[drained1996]

Brum,

I understand the addiction statement... .it's much like an addiction.  I'll ask you this, if one has an addiction that is bad... .let's use alcohol as an example... .how do you treat that?  AA... .therapy... .shear self determination... .the first part is acknowledgement... .you've done that part.  Now what is it you're going to do with knowing something in your life affected you negatively and it must be deleted? 
Do you want to keep drinking knowing it will continue its negative effects on your life?  Or... .would you like to change your outlook on the drug that made you feel temporary "happiness"?  For all the good you felt, I know you felt the emotional hangovers. 
That's the best way I can express how I feel about your situation right now.  I apologize if that hurts... .I'm just saying how I have felt things myself.   It's about YOU... .not him.  The only way he can make you "feel bad" is if YOU allow it.  That's been a tough thing for me to come to grips with in my past... .but... .it's the truth.  We are not responsible for them or how they feel.  They are disordered, and we cannot change that, we can only accept that and move forward with our own lives without responsibility for theirs.  It's not your fault... .and you cannot fix it... .
The pain will linger, but will get easier to deal with in time.  It's no longer about "him" or "us", your life going forward is about you.  That's the way I see things from my experience.  I comprehend how very hard it is to let go of the feelings you have for someone... .but my realization was that she could not love me back the way I loved her... .it was an impossible expection... .as she is disordered. 

[Butterflies free]

Hi Brum!
I just want to give you a big fat hug!
Everything you are feeling is completely normal during grief. If you weren't feeling these painful emotions, I would worry more. 

First, let's make this right: YOU ARE NOT... .I REPEAT NOT... .A LOSER!

Second, during your time with the exBPDbf, how much of it truly was concentrated on YOU?  I also had a BPDbf and I know the exhaustion I felt "taking care" of his needs... .and mine were never met... .

If you can try to remember how you were made to feel during the relationship, rather than how you are feeling during his absence right now, you may be surprised... .it may not feel as devastating.

Please know that his illness is projected upon you. He cannot help himself.
He's not a bad person, he just has a bad illness. Forgive him. Look in the mirror and smile with gratitude that you can have a healthy relationship with someone else when you're ready to. Unless he gets the therapy he needs, make no mistake, he will never have what you can and that is peace of mind and happiness of heart.

[Brum]

Drained- very clever analogy used with the alcohol example. Yes that certainly puts things into perspective. I understand with time it will get easier so long as I don't bump into him because then I feel all this building up of strength will go down the pan and I will be at square one again. His pain will respark my pain and it will be one vicious cycle.

Butterflies- thank you for your message too. I have forgiven him. I didn't hold a grudge because he can't help his disorder. I don't think I feel love for him anymore because of his absence but I certainly still care about him. I am trapped a little in the nostalgic phase but then I recollect the rough times and realise it wouldn't have lasted. I am finding it hard to forgive myself sometimes for prolonging the whole process though. I know that is tough on me but I am a rather smart girl (arrogant/narcissistic? Lol) and should have detected the clues. I am sick of going for the typical oil painting type of guy and then finding myself in some sort of pickle. If not a borderline, a cheat or womanizer, or someone who is so aristocratic they lack any emotional intelligence! I have had them all! The most recent being the most extreme. I'm not getting any younger (40 next year) and when I was in my youth, I thought I would be settled down by now living in a country home with dogs! (Am anti marriage and anti children)

The thought of another man touching me right now makes me want to throw up. The last person to touch me was him seven weeks ago on vacation.

I need time alone to rediscover myself. I have never been single for too long. Maybe I rush into serious relationships. I can't help thinking my alcoholic father and the neglect from him has caused me to attract men like this! I seem to tolerate a lot of crap just like I did when I was a child with an absent father role.

[Brum]

Just had my second therapy session. Not sure if it's helping; maybe it is by opening up and really analysing my routes and childhood, which is what she asked me about today.

But just got back from the therapy session and cried my eyes out. The initial instigator of this lament was thinking of how much pain his parents have caused an innocent man. My ex once had an episode last year before throwing himself out of the window, and during that episode he led me to his dog and was yelling at me that I was her mummy. Almost as if he was scared I was abandoning the dog as well as him. Again echoes of his childhood issues. It pained me momentarily just now, but I have snapped out of it. I'm ok now. Moments like this I know are natural, and I do feel all of this has opened up a can of worms to my past, which I had managed to block out for years.

Hard times. My life has drastically changed from seven weeks ago when I was in a bubble of love. Fantasy love, I now believe.

[Brum]

Omg. I'm so depressed today. Homesick. And just in so much pain. Someone help meeeeeeee!

[Larmoyant]

Brum, I feel you're pain and I'm so sorry. Please know you're not alone and hang on it comes in waves, soon you'll feel a little better. You'll get through this 

[Brum]

Thank you so much Larmoyant! Just crying out for help and yes it does come in waves. I feel my BPD ex had put a spell on me and I'm finding it hard to let go of that inner connection. I still feel his pain and maybe when I feel so low it's when he is thinking of me. I don't know. These BPDs lure people into their world and into their soul. Then it's so difficult to disconnect. It will be six weeks on Wednesday going NC. I get scared if I waver and think of calling up his dad to check if my ex is ok. But I know that would be dreading on dangerous grounds. I can't do it and I won't.

My head is pounding and the sickness feeling is always there. But I'm determined to get this man out of my mind. It will take time. I just want to sleep the time away and sleep the pain off. It hurts but thank you for your comment.

[Brum]

Just watched a video about letting go of a toxic relationship and the key steps to take are... .
1. Stop the obsessive thinking about my ex
2. Find out my true self
3. Grow more confident within (self knowledge, life purpose etc)

It really helped me.
Tomorrow is a new day. I will get on a full face of makeup and start fresh. Start feeling good about myself again. Lately I haven't recognised myself in the mirror. Scary really. Did I only dress up for him when in that relationship? Now I will start doing it for ME.

[drained1996]

That's a good idea Brum, be gentle with yourself during this time, and understand to just try and take little tiny steps at first.  It's not going to all be done at once, this is a process you have begun... .the process to returning to you... .an even better YOU!   

[Brum]

Yes Drained. I agree. Tiny steps are crucial at this stage.

I recognise the narcissistic traits in my character to have fallen for a guy like this in the first place, and then to put up with him for so long. It felt wrong at times but the love had blinded me. I understand that physical attraction is not the be all and end all in a relationship. It should be based on trust and mutual respect. True love should be reciprocated and balanced between both parties. Not a one sided affair where the other person just takes and takes.

I'm beginning to miss the girl I used to be in my twenties although I'm sure I was more narcissistic back then.

They say that narcissistic individuals attract borderlines because of a common factor from childhood (neglect). But each individual has dealt with it in a different way. I blocked mine out for years and my ex couldn't part with his!

I would count myself more fortunate.

[drained1996]

Yes Brum, count yourself fortunate that you have the ability to be self aware.  And with that self awareness and time, with the tools you can learn here and with your T... .you will become an even better version of yourself as you head through your path of self recovery. 
I will note that you seem stuck on a feeling that you have some narcissistic traits, and from what you have shared, I would labela lot of those things you see as narcissistic more as empathetic.  Sure, we all have some things we can see in ourselves as not all good... .just be sure not to beat yourself up too much!  Remember, small steps... .and we promise those steps become easier with time!  You will have your tough times, just let them happen and examine the feelings when you are able. 

[Brum]

Drained,

I only say narcissistic because I know in my twenties I definitely was. The traits seem to have faded with age but I have read that seeing myself as his knight in shining armour to save him, is a typical behaviour of narcissists. Plus I longed for him to need me. It is to do with the addiction to his love too but I believe my background has sculptured who I am today and the sorts of men I attract and fall for.

I just hope his idiotic parents have opened their eyes after my brutally honest letter of closure and have found him the sort of help he would benefit from. They can't give up on their own son, regardless of his age, just because he is a fully grown adult.

Had a slightly better day today. Full face of make up after seven weeks and felt slightly human again. I stopped recognising myself. I am drained, Drained. I find your forum name apt considering our circumstances. And boy are these extenuating circumstances.

[drained1996]

Yes Brum, the circumstances were behind my forum name... .really didn't think anything could describe how I felt as well as drained. 

We're happy to hear you felt slightly better today, nice step in the right direction!  Keep us up to date, and put one foot in front of the other!  It does get better.  And remember be compassionate with yourself.   

[Brum]

Drained how long has it been since your break up? How long did it take you to feel better?

[Brum]

Strange thing is... .

I know for a fact now that my BPD ex suspected that we would eventually end, and he would sooner or later lose me. That was his biggest fear. The sad thing is that I didn't have a clue! I was so busy waiting at his side for every demand and so wrapped up in his needs that I was blinded to the fact that we would ever part each other. I stupidly thought we would be together forever! That's the most absurd thing about it.

It is also bizarre how when he had an episode he would be so cold and distant towards me; he wouldn't touch me! Why is that I ask?

I'm feeling stronger today and yesterday but it's like I hit rock bottom before feeling that slight bit better.

I don't want him back. I will never break non contact even though it is likely he doesn't have a phone now (he probably destroyed the new one he possessed just after I left him because he eventually couldn't contact me, after I changed my number). But it would be very easy for me to contact his family to find out where he is. But I'm not inclined to do it. I would be re-entering the old world of hell if I did. I just can't help wondering if he is dead or alive. Is this normal?

To all those people who have responded to my posts, thank you. I deeply appreciate all the advice given and I will pull through this. I guess what I don't know can't and won't hurt me. The reason why I had to get out of the relationship in the end.

Best, Brum.

[Brum]

And it's the little things I think about concerning him... .

He was extremely hairy, and every so often, when we were together, I would have to trim some of his body hair like his back, shoulders and chest. I didn't like doing it because I loved his hairy body, but he would be frustrated because the hair was itchy for him to deal with. So I would do it for him to give him his comfort. The thing is, now that we have gone our separate ways, I can't help thinking if he's ok or whether he is too itchy because he don't have been able to trim his own hair! Silly as it might sound, but this is niggling away at me. I'm still thinking of his well being and comfort. I'm still thinking about him, full stop. It pains me to even think of he is hurt. I just can't bear the thought.

I'm not over him am I?

[Brum]

Do sincerely apologise for my typing errors! So annoying!

[Sadly]

There's a song called " These Foolish Things" (remind me of you ) it's part of sharing a life with someone. I guess they eventually become just memories.   x

[Sadly]

Ps. The best version is by Brian Ferry. xx

[Brum]

Thanks sadly.
I will have a listen

[Sadly]

I just want you to know you are not alone. My Foolish things go:
Who will make sure he doesn't use the wrong soap powder and get his skin rash.
Who will make sure he takes his blood pressure pills.
Who will stroke his back in the night when his nightmares come. It's endless, heartbreaking and also the things that tie us.
If he uses the wrong soap powder he will learn not to.
If he forgets his pills his doctor will remind him.
The last one, I can't bear to think about.

We have to let go and deal with our pain.     x

[Brum]

AMEN

[Brum]

Trying to keep busy but time passes slowly. Haven't cried today which is good and my dreams seem to be consisting of other people instead of him all the time. This to me reflects some progression in my healing perhaps. I still think about him sometimes obviously but the pain is certainly becoming more bearable. I don't know. I'm wondering less about where he is and what he's doing. It will be seven weeks coming Wednesday since I left him. I guess that is a pretty long time and a big achievement in going NC. I would never break that. Just hope I can avoid seeing him for the rest of my life. Or for now while it is still rather fresh, because although nearly two months has felt like a lifetime, in reality it's nothing. Keeping strong.

I do feel I will be taking a sabbatical for a year though. Sick and tired of pretty boys who just cause me trouble and hinderance in life!