Accidental meeting

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi All.

I bumped into my BPDxbf on Friday. I was just walking past a charity shop when he came out of it. We were 2 feet away from each other, so I couldn't pretend I hadn't seen him. I dealt with the situation, giving very little away and not talking about us and limiting the conversation to a couple of minutes. It has disturbed me though. I'm getting annoyed that I still give him head space. It still unsettles me on a heart level that we aren't together even though my head accepts it's over because even if it isn't over from his perspective, it's just not good for me. I wish I could wake up one morning completely cured of this affliction that I thought was love. I'm sick to death of being in this situation but I don't know what to do next to break the connection. I'm getting angry with myself because I can't move on as quickly as I want to. I still have to push him away from me or avoid him to keep away. I want him to be irrelevant to me. I don't want it to matter to me one way or another what he does or whether our paths cross. I just don't want to care at all. I'm so frustrated that I want to hit him. I'm angry that he encouraged me to care. I'm angry that I bothered caring. I don't want him to be at the back of my consciousness any more. I want to feel completely free of him. I don't want to want to go back or to be conflicted over it. I don't want to be scared that I'll be too weak to stay away if I get put in a difficult situation. I don't trust myself yet. I don't want to feel that I need to avoid him because that makes me aware of the power he still has over me.

I've written lists to remind me of the things he did and the things that didn't work for me to help me stay away. I've gone NC and deleted my email account and got a new phone number. I've been thankful for everything I learnt and everything he gave me. I've been angry and have beaten up pillows. I've looked at childhood issues. I've read all sorts of books on BPD and keep working on my own personal healing. I'm waiting for counsellling. What else could I do to dig out the last vestiges of this unhealthy attachment? Have you tried anything else that helped, even if only a small amount?

Love Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

Hi All.

I bumped into my BPDxbf on Friday. I was just walking past a charity shop when he came out of it. We were 2 feet away from each other, so I couldn't pretend I hadn't seen him. I dealt with the situation, giving very little away and not talking about us and limiting the conversation to a couple of minutes. It has disturbed me though. I'm getting annoyed that I still give him head space. It still unsettles me on a heart level that we aren't together even though my head accepts it's over because even if it isn't over from his perspective, it's just not good for me. I wish I could wake up one morning completely cured of this affliction that I thought was love. I'm sick to death of being in this situation but I don't know what to do next to break the connection. I'm getting angry with myself because I can't move on as quickly as I want to. I still have to push him away from me or avoid him to keep away. I want him to be irrelevant to me. I don't want it to matter to me one way or another what he does or whether our paths cross. I just don't want to care at all. I'm so frustrated that I want to hit him. I'm angry that he encouraged me to care. I'm angry that I bothered caring. I don't want him to be at the back of my consciousness any more. I want to feel completely free of him. I don't want to want to go back or to be conflicted over it. I don't want to be scared that I'll be too weak to stay away if I get put in a difficult situation. I don't trust myself yet. I don't want to feel that I need to avoid him because that makes me aware of the power he still has over me.

I've written lists to remind me of the things he did and the things that didn't work for me to help me stay away. I've gone NC and deleted my email account and got a new phone number. I've been thankful for everything I learnt and everything he gave me. I've been angry and have beaten up pillows. I've looked at childhood issues. I've read all sorts of books on BPD and keep working on my own personal healing. I'm waiting for counsellling. What else could I do to dig out the last vestiges of this unhealthy attachment? Have you tried anything else that helped, even if only a small amount?

Love Lifewriter

[Reforming]

Hi Lifewriter,

First of all I think your reaction to seeing your ex again is totally understandable. My relationship ended a few years ago, but if I unexpectedly bumped into my ex it would still stir up a lot of very conflicting and painful emotions.

I do understand your impatience and frustration that these painful feeling still linger. I don't think there's any magical quick fix to this.

We all want to move on and put the past behind us as quickly as possible. I think this can actually keep us stuck especially when get angry and frustrated with ourselves.

Mindfulness has helped me a lot. It takes practice and effort but when I'm present with uncomfortable and painful feelings and accept them rather than pushing them away or judging myself for feeling them - they have much less power. I use an app called headspace, which is great way to get started.

Journalling has also helped me to process and re-centre myself. I use it to express my feelings and as a way of supporting and validating myself when things are tough. A few minutes each day can make a huge difference.

It sounds like you've taken a lot of very positive and courageous steps. Well done

It's really important to try and be patient and kind to yourself and not let unrealistic expectations derail the process.

Change takes time, but you are making real headway

Reforming

[Sadly]

Dear Lifewriter
You have been such a help and inspiration to myself and many others here, applying your lessons learnt and coping mechanisms to aid others. I truly wish I knew the answer, I would give it to you in a heartbeat. The only answer I can think of is time, and that can't be learnt or given. I liken our grieving of love lost to death and I know the only way through that is time. I so want to be at the end of my grieving and not stuck at the beginning. Sorry not much help but love to you.
Sadly x

[Butterflies free]

H Lifewriter!
My greatest fear was the random public encounter with my exBPDbf. I purposely avoided any and all places he possibly could be. Knowing his likes and dislikes, the odds of me bumping into him at a place he wouldn't go to was my first step forward which broke the chains of emprisonment. I wouldn't go out... .now, I do.

Where you say: I'm sick to death of being in this situation but I don't know what to do next to break the connection.
  What I did was acknowledge the illness being projected upon me. My actions and intent were the furthest to warrant his projected thoughts. What he projects upon you is how HE FEELS ABOUT HIMSELF. Once that is realized, the mind can properly discern your innocence vs his guilt.

I'm getting angry with myself because I can't move on as quickly as I want to.
  Don't be angry with yourself. Patience and self appreciation are necessary to "weed out" the fibers of emotion deep within. None of us were able to move on quickly. Because we have no closure. Closure is never provided by them bc it's their way to eventually gauge your temperature when they decide they want you again.

I still have to push him away from me or avoid him to keep away. I want him to be irrelevant to me. I don't want it to matter to me one way or another what he does or whether our paths cross.
  Don't believe everything you think. When we don't have a clue as to their everyday itinerary, assumptions of what we think become the constant rumination which plays over and over until we are in ball of despair.

I just don't want to care at all. I'm so frustrated that I want to hit him. I'm angry that he encouraged me to care. I'm angry that I bothered caring. I don't want him to be at the back of my consciousness any more. I want to feel completely free of him. I don't want to want to go back or to be conflicted over it. I don't want to be scared that I'll be too weak to stay away if I get put in a difficult situation. I don't trust myself yet. I don't want to feel that I need to avoid him because that makes me aware of the power he still has over me.
   I referred to my exBPDbf as Kryptonite... .Weak at the knees, a puddle for his needs... .until I took MY POWER BACK. The mind, as we know is quite powerful. What you feed your mind, rolls off your tongue and words have power.
After all, for a relationship to be successful, we shouldn't doubt what they say, (until they prove otherwise) which leaves us even more vulnerable because we don't like failure!  Forgive yourself and know how valuable you truly are and that power you think he has over you, will be the legend in HIS mind only.

I've written lists to remind me of the things he did and the things that didn't work for me to help me stay away.
  EXCELLENT!

 I've gone NC and deleted my email account and got a new phone number.
   You are COURAGEOUS!

I've been thankful for everything I learnt and everything he gave me. I've been angry and have beaten up pillows. I've looked at childhood issues. I've read all sorts of books on BPD and keep working on my own personal healing. I'm waiting for counsellling.

What else could I do to dig out the last vestiges of this unhealthy attachment?
  I am a Christian. For me, being rooted in my faith was my anchor. I am not in any way promoting religion. Whatever anchors your soul to the core of your goodness is a good place to begin healing. I donated every gift, article of clothing--you name it that was connected to him.
I did not need any reminder of him around me. No more opportunities to creep any thoughts of him in my head.

Have you tried anything else that helped, even if only a small amount?
   I took the advice of my counselor. He advised me that in the event I was to see, bump into him in a public setting that I was not to make eye contact. Put your head down from him and walk away. Do not entertain a conversation. You see, after the breakup they were over us in about 2weeks; we're still reeling from the demise. By making eye contact, or conversing gives them a gauge as to where we are in the healing process. Their foot in the door, if you will... .knowing the cycle is without question going to continue, I made a conscious decision to take my power back. And not allow him to suck me into his drama.

You are strong and courageous
Don't ever underestimate the power of you!

[OutOfEgypt]

The thing that helps most... .time.

Time and making new, healthy attachments.  I found that when I returned to old friendships that were cut off during my relationship with my BPD spouse, all they wanted to do was talk about her.  That took effort to change, even to say, "I don't want to talk about her anymore."  When you are in a relationship with a pw BPD, it is easy to let that be your identifying story.  The story you tell everyone -with your words, with your demeanor, with your outlook- becomes, "I'm a person who left a relationship with a person who is extremely hurtful and punitive."  But over time, you realize you don't want that to be your story anymore.  Your past, sure, but not your story moving in the future.

For what it's worth, I'm happily remarried and my skin still crawls when I have to meet my ex.  I keep it light, and I do feel badly for her at times (not in the sense that I want to help her, but pity for the wreck she's made of her life and relationships).  But I will never forget that she is not what she seems.  She is masterful at using her masks.

One thing I think we all do is this:  we want so badly to break free of them and recoup some sense of dignity and self-respect that we actually become very harsh toward ourselves.  We condemn ourselves for little things, even like wanting to avoid them or feeling awkward or anxious around them, as though it means we are weak or still under their power.  But we need to give ourselves a serious break.  Who *wouldn't* want to avoid them, given what we know of them?

[Rayban]

I life writer.

You handled the encounter perfectly.  No relationship talk, kept it short and that's not easy to do. It was a chance meeting, and would have been easy to fall back into the old pattern. Be proud of your strength.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Everyone.

I am truly touched by your responses. There is so much wisdom in them all and I am grateful for all your comments and observations. Thank you.

Lifewriter x

[Circle]

Hi Lifewriter,
Have only read your original post, so far. I hear you and can totally relate to what you are saying. I too would like the 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'. No residue, no memory, no caring, no conflicting emotions, no pwBPD.

To tell you the truth, you know what one of the things that helped me the most was? It sounds corny; but it's true. Watching 'The Walking Dead'. The show is so much about survival that it just resonated with the survive-or-not nature of a BPD relationship. Characters in the comic book and show are constantly faced with choices that are based on life or death. And, often to live, they need to choose life itself over more superfluous concerns (like caring about a pwBPD). It sounds silly, but it really gave me an attitude awareness; that even though we aren't in life-or-death situations, we are in life-or-death situations with borderlines.

[babyducks]

Hi Lifewriter,

When I read your initial post I thought of cognitive fusion.    And its opposite.    Cognitive defusion. I am sure that Google will give you lots of ideas about defusing from thoughts that are no longer helpful.  I think there is a spot on this website that talks about it too.

When we fuse with a thought, idea, cognitive process we get stuck in a struggling place.  At that point we can detach or back away from the thought by declining to engage in a true/false debate but accept the thought is transitory, just passing through.

There are tons of exercises to help defuse.  The one I use is the 'I notice I am having this thought, just as I notice a car moving down the street.   Like the car this thought will pass.'

Hope this helps.