I feel like I am not going to make it

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

In spite of LOTS of evidence of abuse, my children's lawyer didn't think it mattered and gave him back 50/50 custody as well as took away my portion of the children's disability money.  Since I had to start over when I left with nothing and he is holding everything I own, I was barely making it financially anyway.  I do not think I can deal with this life any longer.  I am physically sick.  I can't eat or sleep.  I barely have the energy to move.  I don't hate him either.  I miss our home and him and the good parts of our life.  I hate that!

I was doing OK as long as we had no contact and I thought I could protect my children.  But now that I have to interact with him it is not OK.  I burst into tears every time I see him.  And we will have to go to family counseling together where he will continue to control and manipulate and make everyone feel sorry for him.

Then we woke up this morning to our cat hit by a car.  I haven't told the younger children yet.  Winter is coming and I have little propane and no money.  The kitchen drain is clogged.  The light stopped working in the bathroom.  And on and on.  It is all just too much.  I see my counselor tomorrow then she goes on vacation for 6 weeks.

Thanks for letting me vent.  I hope some of you are having a good day and feeling better about things.  I feel like I will never get over this.

[LilMe]

In spite of LOTS of evidence of abuse, my children's lawyer didn't think it mattered and gave him back 50/50 custody as well as took away my portion of the children's disability money.  Since I had to start over when I left with nothing and he is holding everything I own, I was barely making it financially anyway.  I do not think I can deal with this life any longer.  I am physically sick.  I can't eat or sleep.  I barely have the energy to move.  I don't hate him either.  I miss our home and him and the good parts of our life.  I hate that!

I was doing OK as long as we had no contact and I thought I could protect my children.  But now that I have to interact with him it is not OK.  I burst into tears every time I see him.  And we will have to go to family counseling together where he will continue to control and manipulate and make everyone feel sorry for him.

Then we woke up this morning to our cat hit by a car.  I haven't told the younger children yet.  Winter is coming and I have little propane and no money.  The kitchen drain is clogged.  The light stopped working in the bathroom.  And on and on.  It is all just too much.  I see my counselor tomorrow then she goes on vacation for 6 weeks.

Thanks for letting me vent.  I hope some of you are having a good day and feeling better about things.  I feel like I will never get over this.

[Sadly]

I wish I could help you my lovely, but I think I am not making it either. I am empty and I have nothing to give but love. Someone here will be with you soon to give more.
 

[heartandwhole]

LilMe,

I'm so sorry that things have gone this way. What a terribly disappointing setback with the lawyers. I can understand your feelings of overwhelm. In your shoes, I'd feel the same. 

Can you reach out to a trusted friend or family member today, LilMe? You don't have to go through this alone. I know it can be very hard to make the effort when you feel like this, but it really is important to feel supported and listened to.

If no one is available, and you are feeling really low, I recommend calling a hotline in your area. The people there have lots of information—they may be able to steer you to some resources in your community that you aren't aware of. That in turn would give you some hope that things will get better. I know right now it doesn't feel like it, but things really can get better, LilMe, no matter how bleak the future looks right now.

I'm very sorry to hear about your beloved cat. It's very painful to lose a member of the family. 

Hang in there, LilMe, and let us know how you are doing and how your appt. with your therapist goes tomorrow. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[LilMe]

Thank you Sadly and heartandwhole,

My 20 year old daughter showed up this morning just to keep me company.  She rode with me to drop off the children for visitation.  I was alone when I picked them up.  He told me the people he brought to court with him on Monday said I had nice hair and a nice body.  I didn't say anything.  It is a bit creepy to know that strange people were watching me and grading my body while I was going through hell.

My 7 year old son acted up badly for a few hours after I picked them up from visitation.  He is outside playing now.  This is so hard.

Somehow I just have to keep trudging along.

[Mutt]

Hi Lilme,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time .

I see my counselor tomorrow then she goes on vacation for 6 weeks.

I found seeing my T helped a lot when I'm struggling with things in life. I've had a couple of T's that had emergencies and I was referred to another T in the interim which was nice because I had someone to talk to.

Did your counselor set you up with another counselor while she's on vacation?

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY LiMe:     

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through.  You can use a couple of big hugs.     

Animals can be such a comfort.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm glad that your daughter came over to share some time with you. 

Is there anyone you can reach out to for help?  A relative, friend, neighbor - perhaps to help with the plumbing and electrical problem?  Are you a member of a church?  Most churches have a community of people who help those in need. 

Depending on where you live, you may be able to sign up for some public assistance to help you with finances.

Sorry that your therapist is going on vacation.  Hopefully, she can refer you to someone else during her absence.  Six weeks is a very long vacation.

Hang in there.  Your children love and need you.  Keep reaching out for support.

[Moselle]

LilMe,

I can imagine the anguish going into winter with no emotional or financial resources in store. We can feel overwhelmed and want to give up. No body deserves that. I'm so sorry you have face this at this time.

It will get better and life has a way of healing over time, even though it feels like it's impossible.

As a hard as it seems I've found that in these moments when we feel we don't have much going for us, looking for things to be grateful for can lift our spirits. Things as small as the smile of a child, or a healthy body and hair  .

Hang in there and well done for reaching out. Sometimes we need to walk to the end of a one way street to find a hidden side road which we couldn't see before. Keep looking for it. It will come.

[LilMe]

Thanks again, everyone, for your kind words.  I do have much to be thankful for.  I have 9 amazing children and some really great friends.  My dog adores me.  But all of them have been damaged by my relationship with uBPD.  I feel so selfish.  10 years of pain for all of us.  And I still love and miss him.  Ugh.

[JerryRG]

  Recovery is progress, nor perfection

[Sadly]

Hello Lilme
Just wondered how you are doing 
Love from Sadly x