Self introduction

[VirulentConidia]

Hi everyone,

This is my first time ever posting in a forum. I'm coming here after a 8 month relationship with a girl who has not been formally diagnosed with BPD, but displays many symptoms of the condition. The fact is the more I find out about the disorder, the more I realize that many of the problems of our relationship are similar to those found in relationships where one partner has BPD.

Today I have reached the "last straw", it has been a long time coming, I realize that I am not so desperate of love to put myself through this anymore. There is a overwhelming sense of loss, self pity, but also relief. I hope that this community will appreciate the struggle of this situation and also provide support and help me understand the situation more.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi VirulentConidia-

And Welcome!  I'm sorry you're in that place, it is painful and confusing, although not unique around here, we've all been there and we understand.

I hope that this community will appreciate the struggle of this situation and also provide support and help me understand the situation more.

Oh yes, we appreciate the struggle of detachment, we're all about support, and we understand.  And the good news about last straws is there aren't any more straws, which is a relief as you mention.  Can you tell us more of your story and where you are emotionally right now?  You mention loss and self-pity, common at this stage, and what else is going on?

[VirulentConidia]

So here is the story of my former GF, K. I met K on tinder right after New Years and we hit it off instantly. She really liked the fact I was a Ph.D. Student, she liked my interests, wanted to do grad school, liked the same kind of music, liked animals, and she was just so easy to talk to. We met for our first date at a local bar, it was insatiable, so much chemistry, I wasn't immediately wanting to have sex with her but those feelings developed in time, as I fell in love with her. The next day we met up at the university coffee shop and I gave her a tour of the department greenhouse, she loved it! Our second date was supposed to be that Friday at a local club but her friends bailed on her so instead I invited her out to a lounge with me, afterwards we walked back to my place and relaxed, getting to know one another. I initially was more looking for a hook up out of these dates so I asked her if we should have sex, and that's when she told me that she still lived with her ex, S. Instead we talked while laying in my bed, I guess I was desperate for intimacy, looking back this shouldn't really have gone past this point, but it did.

She told me how she had gotten pregnant at 16 and had an abortion, how she was addicted to cocaine from 16-on (did not use during our relationship to my knowledge, said she recovered), how S. had cheated on her in her last relationship, how S. had physically abused her, and how much better I made her feel. I spilled the beans about my own depressive tendencies and the struggle grad school is. I spilled the beans how I have a hard time connecting with people, and finding people on my level.

Things went on and she would come over to hang out, I would cook supper and have some wine and music for us, it was bliss. Then one night after she went back to her apartment (where she lived with S.) she phoned me up and told me what a bad person I was, how she didn't agree with me thinking that people do things unintentionally in the heat of the moment. After she raged she hung up on me and I ignored her, she texted the next day saying how she was sorry, this wasn't her, not to give up. You know what dumb me did? I believed her.

By the end of January we were official. She said she ended things with S. In September, and that she was ready, he was an abusive cheater after all.

I think by Valentine's Day she had broken up with me twice, I remember that on Valentine's Day she broke up with me (we had schedualed it to be celebrated the next day) and then came to my house and knocked on the window in the middle of the night saying how sorry she was. We had crazy sex and I was still hooked, she loved me and she told me that.

Then we started having risky sex a lot more often, and K thought she was pregnant, we took the tests and even a doctors blood test and she wasn't, thank god. Then I smartened up about the unprotected sex, before this I was negligent and saw protection as the females concern, and K. said she liked it without.

Things had been bad and I think she had broke up with me 7 times by March. It was to the point that I was fed up about it, she blamed it on stress, as she was moving out of her apartment with S. Into her parents basement, as she had too much debt owing and she had to pay back S. For her car he bought her at xmas (do you really think the broke up in September? I always questioned this).

Anyways, things were better and she was living with her parents now, I really felt like a solid couple. We got along a lot better for the next month and a bit. It was awesome. Then the push pull began again and the breakups, I asked her to get help as I recognized it as a problem and we agreed that she would go to counselling alone (never did) and we would go through couples counselling together (at 4ish months in, what was I thinking? Though I learned some conflict management and coping mechanisms that made the rest of this a lot better) I also saw a counsellor on my own.

Then ___ really went down, we had a fight the day before and the next day we wanted to make it right so we hung out and went for a bike ride (we both have cruiser style bikes), we went to the park and had sex, then came home, then went to the local bar. There K. just flicked a switch after she went to the bathroom and became super self conscious of her physical appearance. She told me she was so ugly that the other people there shouldn't have to look at her, and that we were going to go home. On the way home she wouldn't talk about it and I got pissed off and rode ahead. Then once I got home I waited 10 mins and she never showed up so I backtracked the route and saw her, telling her to hurry up (I was mad and drunk, bad choice to drink). As we got to my house we had a verbal fight and I had to walk away walking down the street, she ran up behind me and grabbed the back of my shirt by the neck hole and yanked me around, thank god a neighbour had come outside to see what the hell was up and yelled at us and she stopped. I could have gone to jail that night had they called the 5-0, she could have told them anything.

Then we were done, no contact, but she weasels her way back in by sending me a collection of love letters, poems and songs she had made in the days after the episode. It really touched me and I saw a drastic improvement in her.

We went on a few summer vacations together and she was much better, but she felt our connection was waning. Then began constant criticism of how I keep my home (which most compliment on tidiness, but not her) how I talk to my parents (with love a good relationship) how fond I am of my sister, even going so far as accusing me of being sexually attracted to my sister (like what the heck?). Then she began the fall semester of university and told me she had no time for me, how she was unattracted to me, how I wasn't masculine enough, how I didn't care about her, how I was too sensitive, how I had anger issues... .Add to this she picked up 2 new part time jobs at the start of the semester.

So what really has brought on the end is that now after this break up she has basically been contacting me steady. And on the weekend she got some free concert tickets, would I go with her? Sure I thought, she wasn't so bad. She ended up being sick and we didn't go but I took care of her all day, she broke down and had a heart to heart with me, saying how she doesn't want to seem like a failure, how she only felt safe with me. She was so sick that I went to the pharmacy in the middle of the night to get some more medicine because what we had wasn't working. Now, I'm a Ph.D. Student, I know how to talk to a pharmacist about potential drug interactions and he assured me that the cough syrup wouldn't interact with what she had taken and that the acetaminophen dosage would not hurt her so long as it was only a couple days of taking the cough syrup. She phoned me and asked what I got and I was happy to tell her cough syrup, pharmacist recommended... .I told her that I mentioned she had taken buckets at 7am noon 7pm, but I forgot to mention the midnight dose she took. She absolutely ripped into me that I was useless, couldn't achieve anything, blah blah blah. She wanted to overhear the conversation with the pharmacist on speaker phone so I handed the phone to the pharmacist and she hung up on him, how embarrassing (this is at 1:30 am). I buy the syrup and go home. K then came to see what I got and opened the package took the bottle out read it and threw it at my head! Continued the rage for 10 mins and went to bed crying. I just sat on the couch scared and I knew this is hell.

It's been a few days since then and of course she is still talking to me, but today she had a bad fight with her parents and needed me, she went to a clinic about her cold and they apparently told her she might have skin cancer, when she got to my place we had a talk about the landlords dog and how it looked sick, she went on a rant about what I should say and I said look I can do this, I know how to talk to people, and she said, well not a pharmacist... I asked her why she was so angry and she took that to mean I was ignorant of the cancer thing and she walked off with all of her stuff, and deleted me off her Facebook.

[Visitor]

How old are you VC? (If you don't mind me asking)

[heartandwhole]

Hi VirulentConidia,

I'd like to add my welcome to you.

I'm sorry to hear about the breakup with your girlfriend; that is always painful. These kinds of relationships tend to get into patterns of breakups and makeups, so I understand how you got to this point. You are definitely not alone.

You've been through a lot. I fully understand your feelings of loss and relief. It sounds like your girlfriend is going through a rough time emotionally, but sadly if she has BPD, this can be the "norm," in that there will very often be a crisis to manage. As many of us have care taking tendencies, that means that we will be on high alert and in rescuer mode so often that we start to forget what we need and want in our lives.

I know your gf walked out and deleted you from FB, but have you told your girlfriend that you no longer want a relationship with her? Has there been any contact since? Are you planning to keep in touch or be friends?

This site has so many resources and tools to help thing get better, VC. I hope you will keep writing and let us know how we can best support you. That's what this site is all about.

heartandwhole

[VirulentConidia]

Hey,

Sorry for not posting recently. I am in my mid twenties.

Since my initial post and our fight I tried to go no contact. This worked for all of 3 days, and I unblocked her phone number. Low and behold she texted me soon after and we talked. She came to my house and broke down in tears, saying she was sorry, why she didnt understand why she pushed me away because I cared about her so much, that I was so good for her, etc. She asked if I could "keep trying" with her and I couldn't say no to that. The one I love sitting there crying her eyes out, it was heart wrenching.

Later that week it was her birthday and I asked to take her for a birthday supper. She hadn't made any plans with friends. However, on the morning of her birthday she said she wanted to go out drinking instead. I said ok, its your birthday we will do you! This is where it again fell apart, she went from being admiring that day, supporting me to beginning to devalue me by 3 pm. By the time we had been in the first restaurant/bar we had ordered alot of appetizers and drinks, but when the appetizers came she wasn't hungry and wanted to go somewhere else, so we continued to move from bar to bar. (I was driving so I stayed sober). Once we got to a different area of town closer to my house where I could walk home I began drinking too. All the while she had been on her phone facebook messaging and texting everyone of her acquaintances to come out for a birthday drink with us, but no one showed. While this was ocurring I was being criticized for being a downer, being feminine, and whatever else she could think of. Eventually she told me she felt like a loser because no one was at her birthday, which I totally get.

Then things got really ugly. A friend of mine was at a musivc club we went to and he has access to cocaine, as my gf was a former cocaine addict I knew that I should not use cocaine with her (have only done it once in my life before ever meeting her) and that I should warn her when it may be around. I guess that was a mistake because when she found it out she wouldn't shut up about wanting to do it. She told me to ask my friend, and I flatly said no. Multiple times. She finally asked my friend herself and he asked if i wanted some and again I said no. and he said, well then I dont think its a good idea, he had been clean for two months and didn't want to make me uncomfortable. This is when my former gf, K, blatently started to manipulate him for the drugs, for free. He basically told her to ___ off and left. Then it became a fight and it was my fault that I ruined her birthday, that I can't let her have any fun, and I was such a ___ty person. I told her I wasn't going to enable her addiction and she said to me "you can either enable me to get it or I'll go f*ck someone for it". This was it for me, I had to turn and I walked home. I told her where I was going and the route I was taking, I knew she needed to stay there and she had no money for a cab (she left her wallet in my car), after I ewas home for 10 mins she came knocking and I let her in, this is when the rage began. She started packing her stuff and started throwing ___ around the bathroom, so I took out my iPhone to video it, this did seem to calm her down and it was a verbal rage filled with insults, how I was a sociopath, controlling, how she wished I died when her dog fell in the lake from my boat and I jumped in to save him, and how she thinks I am a serial killer, etc. I asked her to leave, this was only going to head to a violent interaction. She refused to leave but somehow I got her to remove herself from my suite to the stairwell, she again wouldn't leave and I was beginning to lose my cool after this now 25 minute rage episode so I called my landlord to kick her out, which he kindly did, and said it was obvious that she was the problem not me (whew). Then K returned knocking on my windows and I had to call the police. She left before the cops arrived driving her car drunk to I assume her parents house, I never will know where she went. Then cam a flood of phonecalls, emails, texts saying how I was immature, how I was weak, what a loser I was... .etc. What she wanted was her wallet so the next morning I took it to her moms workplace (after I picked up my car) and her mom asked what happened, I explained that K wanted to do cocaine and that it became a fight, and I left, she followed and was abusive and I had to get landlord to kick her out and call police... Her mom said she was sorry this happened and I asked her mom to take care of her because she needed help.

Then K started texting again, saying how sorry she was, how we could move on, how she "really wanted to make it work", etc. Then this changed when she found out I gave the wallet to the mom, because I ruined intimacy between us, that I should not have told her mom because her mom was not concerned, only being nosy, and that it was the ultimate betrayal because she had zero relationship with her parents and they apparently "threw it in her face".

I feel very lost now. I haven't seen K in two weeks and she tried to phone me once, when I was at work and couldn't take the call, I texted her later that day saying I was busy at that time but I couldn't take the call, but I could now... I havent heard back. She added me on snapchat again a few nights ago (which was weird because she added me, so i added her back, and then I got 2 more notifications that she added me, I assume an add/delete couldn't make her mind up if I was good or bad... .) I feel so lost and broken. I look forward to conversation here!