Apologized to the bf

[JerryRG]

I went to get lunch after work, didn't know my exgfs bf was working at my favorite restaurant.

I took the opportunity to apologize to him, he brought my food to me so I thought I would talk to him.

We talked for a few minutes and I explained to him I was protecting my son and that my son's mother had been telling me about how abusive he has been with her.

He is really out there, he believes her every word.

I asked if he thought she was better, healthier or more functional and he said yes.

I then asked what had changed in her life, her ability to maintain employment, her physical health, her ability and cooperation in caring for our son? He simply answered her heart.

I then asked if he could tell the difference in what people say and how they live their lives. Her "heart" may change but it's her actions that matter.

I then asked if he still intends to marry her, he said yes.

I asked if he thought it over and had he looked at the facts, not looking through rose colored glasses?

You will be married to a woman who won't work, cannot care for her children, lies, triangulates with her ex (me) and who's constantly ill with no end in sight.

He said he didn't care and God would tell him if he were making the wrong choice.

I asked if he believed if God would literaly tell him what to do, he said yes.

I asked him why he tries to convince my ex to not seek the help she really wants.

He said she's cured

I didn't get emotional and I could see the confusion in his eyes. I told him, I'm not a liar, and I had no reason to not tell him or anyone else the complete truth.

We stopped talking and he went back to work, I took out my phone and pulled up the screen shot of my exgf telling me about how abused she is by him, how he was kicked out of her sisters place and how she needs to get away from him.

He read the first few lines and handed my phone back to me, I asked if he read it, he shook his head and smiled and said he wasn't interested.

Oh well... .even wity faced with facts, he still won't listen.

I feel sorry for him, he's so desperate to hang on he won't even face the truth. How he reminds me of myself.

Same story, different characters

I wasn't trying to hurt him or my exgf, I hope now he knows I don't lie and that his "uniqueness" no matter how noble and sincere it may be, is no match for a person with BPD.

I just wanted him to know I don't lie, I don't think it matters to him. He's holding on to an illusion

[rfriesen]

Hi Jerry,
I hope you were able to enjoy the meal at your favourite restaurant after that conversation!

I can certainly understand wanting to clear up anything dishonest or misleading your ex might have said to her new bf about you or your son or your family. And also wanting to warn this new bf about your ex, if you feel he's making a big mistake. I understand the urge to do so ... .but how does actually following through and engaging the bf fit with progressing in your own detachment and maintaining your boundaries? I know you've said many times you don't want any more drama and interaction with your ex than absolutely necessary. Are you not inviting more drama this way? Isn't it likely this bf will tell your ex about your conversation in the restaurant? And that your ex will then engage you in a stressful and hostile way? After all, even if your motivations were good, you tried to undermine her in front of her bf.

Do you think it would be better to keep your focus on your own boundaries and well-being, for your own sake and that of your son? Are you expecting to hear from your ex now about this conversation with her bf?
Keep taking care of yourself first and foremost!

[JerryRG]

Thanks rfriesen

I know what I did wasn't smart, I wanted the bf to know I don't lie, he called me a liar yesterday.

Second, I still wrestle with accepting my exgfs blame that I raped her, beat her, killed her.

I want her bf to know I'm not the monster she portrays me to be and that she needs help.

My hope is she gets well, that has been my goal for years.

I hope if she does get well, we will have peace. Right now she's still behaving in ways that are completely unacceptable. Another reason is, all the lies over the years and my wish to make some sense out of any of this.

I'm being selfish and my ego demands the truth.

And as far as my exgfs retaliation, there isn't much more she can do to harm me.

[rfriesen]

I wanted the bf to know I don't lie, he called me a liar yesterday.

Second, I still wrestle with accepting my exgfs blame that I raped her, beat her, killed her.

I want her bf to know I'm not the monster she portrays me to be and that she needs help.

That's more than understandable. I know that in your shoes I would feel the same and want everyone to know the truth.

I hope if she does get well, we will have peace. Right now she's still behaving in ways that are completely unacceptable. Another reason is, all the lies over the years and my wish to make some sense out of any of this.

Can you say a little more about what "making sense out of any of this" would look like for you? Do you want an explanation for her behaviour? Are you hoping she can explain it in a way that will give you closure or acknowledge how hurtful it's been to you? Or something else?

And as far as my exgfs retaliation, there isn't much more she can do to harm me.

Does keeping the cycle of accusation, rebuttal, retaliation, ... .harm you? Would you be happier and healthier with less of that in your life? What if you're the only one who can put a stop to this cycle?

I know it can't be easy to step back and disengage when your ex is saying horrible things about you. That said, will this conversation you had with the bf bring you any lasting peace of mind?

[JerryRG]

Thank you rfriesen

I appreciate your input and I need help figuring out my motives and honestly look at my part in this.

I hope I can respond in greater detail in a few minutes, going to give my son a bath and pray he falls asleep

[JerryRG]

Son's in the tub so I can watch him and type too.

To answer your questions, my biggest complaint is being painted black. And then her bf telling me I raped her and how well she is now that she's with him.

All of his statements are completely unfounded, she's behaving the same today as she did when she was with me with one exception. I have our son the majority of the time so it frees up her life to rest and lay around and live anyway she desires. No stress so she's going to benifit from that fact alone.

So this has nothing to do with her new way of living because she's not doing anything different in a positive productive way.

[JerryRG]

I am tired of being blamed for her woes, she says I broke her, rape, beat and killed her. She was broke long before I met her. And I did my best to convince her the only hope of happiness, true peace and a better life was to get into recovery.

While I began a new way of living and celibrating all the benifits she just found a rescuer and celibrated another dead relationship. Then she asks me why it don't work?

If she would listen she would be on the way to freedom, instead she's locked herself into another trap.

[JerryRG]

I guess I want her well so she can see reality and maybe she will stop hating me and instead look at the good I did for her.

Like I said, all my ego wanting to be acknowledged as right

[rfriesen]

Hi Jerry,
I started typing the response below last night, but was having trouble with the site ... .

I am tired of being blamed for her woes, she says I broke her, rape, beat and killed her. She was broke long before I met her. And I did my best to convince her the only hope of happiness, true peace and a better life was to get into recovery.
... .
If she would listen she would be on the way to freedom, instead she's locked herself into another trap.

I can relate to how frustrating it is to be the constant target of blame and accusation. And, believe me, I also kept trying to get through to my ex to get her to see things my way or at least to acknowledge that I had a right to see things my way. The more I tried, the more it hurt, and I finally had to step away, accepting that I wasn't going to find satisfaction and resolution with that approach.

But that's my story. What I hear from you about your situation is that you keep doing your best to help her, that you're tired of that struggle, and that you just wish she would listen to you. Is that fair?

What if she won't listen to you because she simply isn't willing or capable of doing that in the way you would hope for? It's your choice whether to keep trying in the hope that she'll hear you as you wish to be heard, or instead to accept that she is not capable of that, and also to accept that you're no longer responsible for her getting the help you feel she needs. I know from my own experience that it can be very painful to accept that someone we've invested so much time, love, and energy into, simply will not hear us as we wish to be heard.

Only you can decide how you want to move forward. One question that might be worth exploring: what makes you hold out hope that she will finally hear you as you wish to be heard?

[rfriesen]

I guess I want her well so she can see reality and maybe she will stop hating me and instead look at the good I did for her.

Like I said, all my ego wanting to be acknowledged as right

I don't think you should be hard on yourself for wanting your ex to stop expressing hatred or other hostile emotions. Who wouldn't want that? It's only human to want someone you love, or have loved, to see the good in you.

One question all of us here need to answer is: how do we satisfy that desire when the person we love, or have loved, will not acknowledge the good in us? Or, worse, wields that refusal over us as a way to maintain control or an unhealthy form of attachment?

When you feel that longing for her to validate your feelings, to acknowledge the good you did for her, is there a way you can give that validation and acknowledgment to yourself? Remind yourself of the ways you've tried in the past, acknowledge within yourself that you still care and love, and maybe also remind yourself that you don't need her to acknowledge the good in order for it to be true. And also remember all the love and effort you put in for your son every day.

There's so much to appreciate about the love and care you feel. It must be painful and sad that your ex can't acknowledge that. The key now is to detach from the feelings that she needs to acknowledge it in order for you to believe it.

[JerryRG]

Thank you rfriesen

I really appreciate your help and experience, I will comment when I get some free time.

Thanks again and have an awesome day!

[Herodias]

Remember how you felt in the beginning... .I was warned I realize now and didn't listen... .Maybe you were too? I would have made an attempt to tell your exes new guy too. He will figure it out eventually... .It is awful to be lied about, knowing that we know the truth and some people  don't believe us. You said your peace. One day he will know you were trying to warn him. It is out of your hands. You are better off being careful about what you say to protect your son. What is happening on the custody battle? Have you had any more court dates? I have to tell you, I have been writing a "book" about my story with mine... .It has really opened my eyes. Whether or not I have a lifetime movie when I get done, remains to be seen, but it is really helping me get a grasp at why I got into it in the first place and that I need to forgive myself. My ex is still faking his happy new family all over Facebook, yet he is friending about 40 women who have sex videos or expose themselves (I didn't know that existed)... .is this a family man that is happy in his new relationship? I think not... .We know what is under the false self... .It's like we are the only ones who see it... .so strange. Its like having a secret knowledge to another dimension,    I hope you are doing better... .

[JerryRG]

Thank you Herodias, we missed you and glad you're back

Guess who I ran into tonight? The sister in law who kicked the exs bf out of her apartment.

She explained how things really happend so I've got the facts, she just got tired of the creepy "her words not mine" hanging around. She never did like the guy, grandma didn't either and the bf creeper her out too, "my words" the exact phrase was "gave them an uneasy feeling"

It was good to reconnect with the sil, she and her husband helped me care for my son last winter for around 4 months while mom pretended to be sick.

Then mom came back into son's life and things have been caotic ever since.

These people are so nice and did so much for my son, I hope we can stay in contact and get along well.

[Herodias]

Thanks Jerry, glad to be back... , still trying to move on! This stuff doesn't happen very quickly, that's for sure! So, that's great to get more validation ... .Validation is always helpful and we need to take it when we can! It's all going to be ok. You are getting better at this... , I hope things have started to calm down. It's sick to think about our exes getting married isn't it? I bet yours will be pregnant soon. I wonder if mine will try and get her pregnant again! I found out he's the one babysitting mostly- she is the breadwinner - she could lose her job with all the time off she is taking... .Mean time, he's still playing broke with me... .I just want to be done with the lawyers... .do you have your son mostly?

[JerryRG]

I do have my son the majority of the time, mother still has many life threatening illnesses that come and go mysteriously and magically. Her and her bf are now both living off my son's child support and I'm paying for daycare so I can pay the bills, she even takes our son to daycare the days she does have him.

Poor thing has it made,

Crazy crazy... .crazy

[Herodias]

So do you have plans to not have to pay them or have them pay you? Seems this is a bit off... .I'm sure a judge would see that.

[JerryRG]

I finally got a lawyer and he's looking into my case so I'm hopeful this won't continue too much longer. My son is doing so well now, even his mother's family knows how well things are going and know mother won't or can't provide consistent or healthy parental care for our son.

[Herodias]

Mines claiming he can't pay me but he's been on vacation for quite awhile! Staying at a beach resort and traveling around the east coast! I let my lawyer know- it is all crazy! On what would have been our anniversary yet! Like I would want to be locked up on some mountain with him! I know what he really wants to do to me! I'm not stupid! Lol that's why I never got life insurance... , I bet she gets it on the baby! We sure have the weirdest conversations- mysterious illnesses - mysterious death threats/ crazy... We should be so glad to be out of the center of the hurricane!  Oh, I am so glad things are turning the corner for you and your son... .I'm glad you have the family support. I have been torn about talking to my ex in laws. They don't want to hear anything bad, so I just do nothing... .It would be validation if they were my friends- maybe a bit more time.,,

[JerryRG]

I asked grandma, (exgfs mother) if she would help me get full custody of my son, she listened and then responded coldly, "She will trip herself up in good time... ."

So grandma thinks daughter with do her thing and fall off a cliff real soon.

I am truly blessed to have their support, they know my exgf and how hard I've worked to not only get her off drugs and keep her alive and also the hell she's made my life for our son and I both.

[Herodias]

Sounds like things are coming together- that's great' I am off to sleep. I'm on the east coast so 11:22 is past my bed time, have a wonderful  night!  n

[JerryRG]

U 2 Blue Hugs

[Herodias]

Thanks - night... .