He's back to test the waters

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

10 weeks or maybe 11 weeks, I've actually lost track, he discarded without notice.

It's been a huge emotional battle, with so so many lows.  I can't count how many times I have cried myself to sleep, just begging God to make him contact me. 

In the midst of all the pain, I kept reading and reading, not only here, but everything I could get my hands on, to try to help me understand how he could just be here one moment, adoring me, whispering to me how much he loved me and then to just disappear into thin air. 

I woke up to a text message from him this morning.

He blamed his depression and guilt.  He spoke of how I'm still his first and last thought every day.  How he misses me and my smile.  How much he would like to hold me in his arms.  He said he hoped I was well and happy.  He said he knows he may not hear back from me and if that happens then he won't contact me again. 

I know this is a recycle attempt.  I know that.  I can't deny this has caused me to go backwards.  I feel off-balance today. 

I had been craving hearing from him.  It was my dream for the first 8 weeks.  Then I really worked hard to accept closure without ever hearing from him again.

Now, I hear from him and I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

It's caused me a lot of emotional confusion today.  This is the test, to see whether I will weaken and cave.  Not just him testing me either, this is a test of my own.  How far I have really come, have I done enough work on myself?  Will I cave when I have a weak moment?  That has been my biggest concern today, that when I'm feeling sad or lonely, which can strike me anytime really, will I pick up the phone and text him back, like I used too? 

I don't think I will, but there's a little bit of doubt in myself now... .

The next few days I'll be working extra hard on myself again, my self esteem and self worth, trying to make sure that any cracks I may have missed are sealed up before I hit a low moment.

I don't want to ever go back to the pain he has caused me because I know he will do this again to me.  I deserve to be happy and he has hurt me more than anyone else. 

Somehow, hopefully, I can turn this into a positive where it could be the closure I kept craving in the early days. 

I feel no revenge towards him, even though I know he had to have been cheating on me, that's why he lasted this long.  I feel more numb and confused, and I know this might sound a little strange, but also I keep feeling a little bit guilty for not responding to him.  Like I don't want to hurt him, how crazy is that... .

[DreamerGirl]

10 weeks or maybe 11 weeks, I've actually lost track, he discarded without notice.

It's been a huge emotional battle, with so so many lows.  I can't count how many times I have cried myself to sleep, just begging God to make him contact me. 

In the midst of all the pain, I kept reading and reading, not only here, but everything I could get my hands on, to try to help me understand how he could just be here one moment, adoring me, whispering to me how much he loved me and then to just disappear into thin air. 

I woke up to a text message from him this morning.

He blamed his depression and guilt.  He spoke of how I'm still his first and last thought every day.  How he misses me and my smile.  How much he would like to hold me in his arms.  He said he hoped I was well and happy.  He said he knows he may not hear back from me and if that happens then he won't contact me again. 

I know this is a recycle attempt.  I know that.  I can't deny this has caused me to go backwards.  I feel off-balance today. 

I had been craving hearing from him.  It was my dream for the first 8 weeks.  Then I really worked hard to accept closure without ever hearing from him again.

Now, I hear from him and I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

It's caused me a lot of emotional confusion today.  This is the test, to see whether I will weaken and cave.  Not just him testing me either, this is a test of my own.  How far I have really come, have I done enough work on myself?  Will I cave when I have a weak moment?  That has been my biggest concern today, that when I'm feeling sad or lonely, which can strike me anytime really, will I pick up the phone and text him back, like I used too? 

I don't think I will, but there's a little bit of doubt in myself now... .

The next few days I'll be working extra hard on myself again, my self esteem and self worth, trying to make sure that any cracks I may have missed are sealed up before I hit a low moment.

I don't want to ever go back to the pain he has caused me because I know he will do this again to me.  I deserve to be happy and he has hurt me more than anyone else. 

Somehow, hopefully, I can turn this into a positive where it could be the closure I kept craving in the early days. 

I feel no revenge towards him, even though I know he had to have been cheating on me, that's why he lasted this long.  I feel more numb and confused, and I know this might sound a little strange, but also I keep feeling a little bit guilty for not responding to him.  Like I don't want to hurt him, how crazy is that... .

[Sadly]

Hi Dreamergirl
Try to stay strong, you have done so well. I also have that guilty feeling so understand perfectly, it's not crazy, it's a normal response activated by a loving caring person. You have explained in your post why logically you cannot and should not contact him, it's the emotional bit you need to deal with, am right there with you on that one. I have an email I sent to him and read that when I have these reach out guilty moments, maybe reading something about the horror you had to live with will help you too. Lots of luck and a huge hug   
Love from Sadly x

[patientandclear]

Another entry in the "just when we've turned a corner they reach out" log. You wrote so eloquently the other day about how the secret to this is that YOU made the decision that you don't want this any more. This is testing that insight.

It seems important to make room for the other feelings, of missing the good parts, of wishing it were different. Of course you feel those things. But "no one has ever hurt me as much as he does" is a key realization. And that it is compulsive and cyclical on his part.

No doubt he does now feel a lot of regret--you are distant and the trigger of proximity has faded. All these things can be simultaneously true. I found it useful at some point to just accept that there is a tragic quality to these situations. It's sad and a waste and so unfortunate that my ex compulsively wrecks good things, but he does.  Making room for my own sadness about this truth was important especially when he would reach out.

[Pretty Woman]

Stay strong, girl. You are doing great!

I had this happen several times. As soon as I was feeling stronger there she popped up.

I think we always wonder if they come back. Some do, some don't, but those with a history of recycling will attempt.

From experience of going back... .it gets shorter and worse... .and when they finally discard you (it's been over a year for me) it kills you inside.

Save yourself the additional heartache, Patient. The last time I responded to my ex who sent an eerily similar email to me, I found out later, I wasn't the only ex she was contacting. They almost always have several in rotation. I just happened to be the first sucker to respond.

Don't do that to yourself. Keep reading on here. You will see I am not the only one with this story, sadly.

 

[Pretty Woman]

Last post was for Dreamer Girl. Accidentally typed Patient (as in Patient and Clear) 

[Anez]

that must have been a hard text to get, dreamer. I got a text last week for the first time in months and it threw me for a loop, too.

I reached out to my T about it and he talked me through how to respond and deal with it. I work with mine so i felt a short response was necessary just to try to keep things even less awkward than they are.

but reach out here like you have, a T if you have one, and just do good things for yourself. We know how these people are. It's sad, but they all follow the same path and that path leads to heartbreak. extreme heartbreak.

[Circle]

That's intense. I have no worthwhile advice to give. Just wanted to know that I read your post. And, that we are all here for you.