Hi My_name_is
and
I suspect my younger sister has BPD though she has not been diagnosed. We have had issues with her for years which has actually caused in me having serious anxiety (and going on meds). I was the person she was emotionally abusive to for over 6 years (she's 3 years younger and currently 31 years old).
My general advice for now is:
(1) Let yourself digest what her disorder means to you - seeing her behavior through the lens of this disorder may help you understand why she has behaved the way she has for most of your lives. It may take some time to fully digest this information.
(2) You may feel the urge to let the rest of your family know; I suggest that you resist this urge. Family members with BPD loved ones can be in denial for many reasons. Your other family members may or may not be ready to face this information about your BPD sister. Don't let them shoot the messenger.
The issue is she never acknowledges that she has a problem and refuses treatment. Also, since June of this year, she has pretty much cut contacts with everyone. She does text me here and there but wants everyone else out of her life... .she does have a bf who she forbids us now getting in touch with.
(3) Don't try to get her help just yet. I know BPD is a mental disorder, but it might be better for you to approach it as if it was more like a recovery issues (i.e., alcoholism/drug abuse). You cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves. Not acknowledging that she has a problem and refusing treatment is a typical expression of this disorder.
You see, in her denial-world, she doesn't want to believe she has a problem. She wants to believe that she just needs to find a person who does not trigger her disordered issues. Right now, she thinks that person is her bf. And she is forbidding anyone from contacting the bf so that she can maintain that delusion for as long as possible.
The bf has probably been led to believe that your family has been the source of abuse all her life. And her bf probably wants to rescue her from her family.
We actually didn't speak for 2 full years until I got pregnant and she decided to be friend again.
You see, one of the big triggers for her disorder are feelings of family and intimacy -- which may be confusing because it might seem that sometimes she is desperate to cultivate closeness and family. What she doesn't realize (or accept) is that whenever someone starts to get too close to her, she starts experiencing disordered feelings/thoughts.
And so the best way to maintain a some-what stable interaction with a BPD loved one is to maintain (emotional) distance and formality.
Be cautious if she wants to get close to your family because of your child. There's always the possibility that she may even project her own perceived childhood abuse to your child.
I'm very concerned about her as via research I found patients sometimes harm themselves (though she never has or said she would).
This disorder expresses in a spectrum of behaviors; some people with BPD (pwBPD) exhibit some behaviors while other pwBPD do not.
On one hand dealing with her much pushes me back into my anxiety issues which is difficult as I have my husband a 4 year old child. On other hand I worry so much about her is making me sick. Especially her refusing to talk to anyone else in the family. I also worry about my parents and hurt for them.
For now, learn what you can and focus on those things that help you manage/limit how much conflict occurs in your life. Focus on helping yourself get stronger. And later, from a position of strength and stability, you can better help your other family members. And if God permits, you may have some opportunity to help your sister if she seeks it.
You are in the right place.
Best wishes,
Schwing
