A photo triggered this memory

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm slowly starting to reconnect with people and a friend came to visit this morning. We had a lovely morning. She showed me a photo of her new boyfriend. He looks really nice and she has a lovely sparkle in her eyes which made me smile, but when she left a memory forced it's way into my mind. It hurt, and this may sound small only to me it wasn't.

He never put my photo as a screensaver on his phone. He regularly rotated photos of his 3 daughters and his dog, but never included me. He seldom took any photos of me.

He kept me away from his girls, telling me they didn't want him dating, but he had been dating for years before me. He put me in one box and his daughters (16,17,24) in another and I didn't get the chance to befriend them. I have 2 boys and would love to have had a daughter so I was really pleased that he had three. He was happy I had boys and we'd planned on taking care of each others children.

I hardly ever got to see them to try to connect with them and wasn't allowed over his place from Wednesday to Saturday when he had the two youngest. He said the middle daughter didn't want me there and didn't like me. When I questioned why he allowed her to control the situation he said it was child support. If the girls didn't get their way, they would just stay with their mother and he'd have to pay her child support.

He spent birthdays and Christmas with them at their mothers house although he apparently despised her, said she'd cheated on him, many, many times, left him when he was very ill and had physically assaulted him.

The girls boyfriends were allowed to attend, but I never was. He also told me that his eldest had asked him when he was going to propose to her mother again which hurt me deeply as I'd been with him for 2 years  and he'd asked me to marry him.

After proposing he told me I wasn't allowed to tell anyone yet, didn't discuss our future and within a few weeks had moved his adult daughter into his place, although she also had a really good set up at her mothers five minutes away and was intending on living in both their homes. He tried to reassure me that nothing would change after she moved in. I tried to befriend her, but she was aloof. He started to lock his front door when he was expecting me and I'd have to knock and wait. Had to phone him once to say I was outside.

If I tried to discuss anything he told me I was making a mountain out of a molehill. Dismissed my dismay with the situation. I started to pull away and all it took was one more of his massive rages and I finally called it off.

I probably haven't conveyed this very well, but it was very painful to experience. I sound like a doormat. He seemed to love me, was at times desperate to get me back, and has kept in contact months after.

Remembering all of this tells me he didn't love me at all. I feel like a fool, used. I was deluded. It's not the worst thing he ever did by far, but it hurts deep down. I never meant anything did I? Just an attachment.

I was quietly crying when I started writing this, processing the feelings, getting it all out, but dismay has set in. How did I allow myself to be treated sso badly? Is this who I am? A pathetic doormat. I thought I was a resilient person. Gentle, but strong enough. No one's fool. I let myself down so badly.

[Larmoyant]

I'm slowly starting to reconnect with people and a friend came to visit this morning. We had a lovely morning. She showed me a photo of her new boyfriend. He looks really nice and she has a lovely sparkle in her eyes which made me smile, but when she left a memory forced it's way into my mind. It hurt, and this may sound small only to me it wasn't.

He never put my photo as a screensaver on his phone. He regularly rotated photos of his 3 daughters and his dog, but never included me. He seldom took any photos of me.

He kept me away from his girls, telling me they didn't want him dating, but he had been dating for years before me. He put me in one box and his daughters (16,17,24) in another and I didn't get the chance to befriend them. I have 2 boys and would love to have had a daughter so I was really pleased that he had three. He was happy I had boys and we'd planned on taking care of each others children.

I hardly ever got to see them to try to connect with them and wasn't allowed over his place from Wednesday to Saturday when he had the two youngest. He said the middle daughter didn't want me there and didn't like me. When I questioned why he allowed her to control the situation he said it was child support. If the girls didn't get their way, they would just stay with their mother and he'd have to pay her child support.

He spent birthdays and Christmas with them at their mothers house although he apparently despised her, said she'd cheated on him, many, many times, left him when he was very ill and had physically assaulted him.

The girls boyfriends were allowed to attend, but I never was. He also told me that his eldest had asked him when he was going to propose to her mother again which hurt me deeply as I'd been with him for 2 years  and he'd asked me to marry him.

After proposing he told me I wasn't allowed to tell anyone yet, didn't discuss our future and within a few weeks had moved his adult daughter into his place, although she also had a really good set up at her mothers five minutes away and was intending on living in both their homes. He tried to reassure me that nothing would change after she moved in. I tried to befriend her, but she was aloof. He started to lock his front door when he was expecting me and I'd have to knock and wait. Had to phone him once to say I was outside.

If I tried to discuss anything he told me I was making a mountain out of a molehill. Dismissed my dismay with the situation. I started to pull away and all it took was one more of his massive rages and I finally called it off.

I probably haven't conveyed this very well, but it was very painful to experience. I sound like a doormat. He seemed to love me, was at times desperate to get me back, and has kept in contact months after.

Remembering all of this tells me he didn't love me at all. I feel like a fool, used. I was deluded. It's not the worst thing he ever did by far, but it hurts deep down. I never meant anything did I? Just an attachment.

I was quietly crying when I started writing this, processing the feelings, getting it all out, but dismay has set in. How did I allow myself to be treated sso badly? Is this who I am? A pathetic doormat. I thought I was a resilient person. Gentle, but strong enough. No one's fool. I let myself down so badly.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Larmoyant,

I urge you to be gentle with yourself when these memories come up. You are coming out of the fog and realizing things. That can be painful. Can you let those thoughts appear and stand back just a little from them (e.g., "I'm a doormat" "I was used" etc.) ? Your thoughts are not who you are.

Your hurt at this kind of behavior is so normal. Believe me, I look back at relationships that I had--even before pwBPD-- and ask myself, "What the heck were you thinking?" I didn't have the wider perspective that I have now.

You are "zooming out," Larmoyant, and can see and feel things that you couldn't before. That is a GOOD thing. I encourage you to be your best friend at times like these. Wrap your arms around yourself and shower your heart with compassion. It will make you so much stronger, I promise.

heartandwhole

[Larmoyant]

I urge you to be gentle with yourself when these memories come up. You are coming out of the fog and realizing things. That can be painful. Can you let those thoughts appear and stand back just a little from them (e.g., "I'm a doormat" "I was used" etc.) ? Your thoughts are not who you are.

heartandwhole, I've just melted into a puddle. This is incredibly painful to remember. Who, in their right mind, would allow this? Who would allow a person to scream and rage at them almost every time we went out. I am not exaggerating. Week in, week out for over 2 years. Aren't I worth more than this? I was a person with thoughts, feelings, wants and needs, and he dismissed these andd stomped all over me, but worse, much worse I allowed it. How do you reconcile this? Who I thought I was and how I really am? I'll try to stand back because I 'was' a good person, an ok person who only wanted to love someone and have him love me. That's all I wanted.

[Sadly]

My dear Lar
I cried when I read this, it reflects me, what happened to me and the awful feelings of worthlessness mine left me with.
One of the things I wrote in my last email to him was this:
" I am stupid, I made my self into a doormat and let you wipe your feet all over me, I truly accept the blame for that. Yes perhaps I am guilty of loving you too much. You have crushed the spirit out of me but a little bit remains, I can build on that".
I read this email constantly to remind me when I am feeling low and heartbroken.
I can see that a bit of your spirit remains too Lar, try and build on it. You really are not worthless and neither am I. Like I said in one of my poems, we loved a Chimera. We are worthy, they through their illness are not.   xx

[boatman]

Hi Larmoyant-

I'm sorry you were treated so badly.    

He kept me away from his girls, telling me they didn't want him dating, but he had been dating for years before me. He put me in one box and his daughters (16,17,24) in another and I didn't get the chance to befriend them. I have 2 boys and would love to have had a daughter so I was really pleased that he had three. He was happy I had boys and we'd planned on taking care of each others children.

I hardly ever got to see them to try to connect with them and wasn't allowed over his place from Wednesday to Saturday when he had the two youngest. He said the middle daughter didn't want me there and didn't like me.

I can relate to how you feel as I went through a very similar situation with both my recent BPDex as well as my family. I was systematically isolated from everyone else in my ex's life, particularly her family. I told her I didn't feel welcome around her family and her response was, "If you feel welcome, you'll want to spend time with them and I don't want you around them". She has friends that have close relationships with her family, but she didn't want that for me. She made a point of telling me that I was not part of her family.

My experience with my own family was similar. My entire immediate family moved about 1000 miles away almost 10 years ago. For a while, the only way to see them was for me to go visit them. They absolutely refused to return to their home town to see me. After a few years, they started to come back to visit, but with no notice. They would literally just show up and call me saying, "We're here". Mind games, nothing but mind games.

Much like heartnandwhole, I also urge you to be compassionate with yourself. This isn't your fault, and there are strong unconscious forces at work when we can't reasonably predict someone else's behavior (intermittent reinforcement). None of this is your fault and I'm sure you handled it all the best you could, the best that could be expected of anyone.

 

[heartandwhole]

How do you reconcile this? Who I thought I was and how I really am? I'll try to stand back because I 'was' a good person, an ok person who only wanted to love someone and have him love me. That's all I wanted.

Yes. And I would say that you believed something about yourself, about him, about the relationship, back then that you are now realizing wasn't true. That opens the floodgates.  

It's hard to see. I've been there, Larmoyant. You are not alone. But these realizations can  also set you free. Free to change, to grow, to be your most authentic self. Judging yourself for believing something that wasn't true isn't going to help, right? You only have now, and now you know better.

You know that you are worth so much more, and always were—you just forgot for a while.  That is human.  

heartandwhole

[Larmoyant]

Can you let those thoughts appear and stand back just a little from them (e.g., "I'm a doormat" "I was used" etc.) ? Your thoughts are not who you are.

You are "zooming out," Larmoyant, and can see and feel things that you couldn't before.

heartandwhole

heartandwhole, I made a huge effort to stand back from the negative thoughts one of which was "no one in their right mind would allow ... ." . Well, I wasn't in my right mind. I was being manipulated, raged at, pushed and pulled in every direction imaginable, my self was being attacked, my abilities, physical appearance, thoughts, feelings, all questioned and brutally attacked. It's no wonder I couldn't see the sky for the clouds.

I wrote a list last night of all his put downs in these different areas and countered them with what I 'know' is the truth.  Some of it is quite shocking and really I'm amazed I survived it, but it really helped to do this. And, it's true, I didn't know what I was dealing with then, but I do now.  I can see what he was doing. Control. I've also decided that I am resilient. I've survived this onslaught on my character and it's becoming clearer and clearer what he was doing. Zooming out is exactly what's happening and I'm going to welcome the clarity instead of fearing it. The clearer it gets the further away from him I get. This is important as sometimes I fear being susceptible to him again.
   
Sadly, it's a sobering thought to realise that we loved a fantasy. It seems that I was running one agenda and he another. and I stubbornly clung to my illusion, not seeing clearly, but then again, who can see clearly with a pwBPD, with a few NPD and possibly ASP traits thrown in! This is painful, but I am recovering faster, just one night it's taken me to recover my balance. I hope this is your experience too. Keep reading over your email. It's so important to keep grounded now. 
   
boatman, I'm sorry you experienced that. It's horrible being kept on the outside, excluded and trying to figure out why. I think it's to keep us at an emotional distance and for control. Sometimes he'd tell me things his family had said about me. I used to wonder why he'd tell me, but I used to try and brush it off thinking they were young and being loyal to their mother. Now, I don't believe most of what he said. The times I did see them they seemed very wary of him, walking on egg shells like I was, and there was always some conflict or other going on. My heart goes out to them because no doubt they are on the receiving end of his BPD behaviour, but can't get away.

It's interesting that you had a similar experience with your own family and I'm sad for you. Not sure if this gels with you, but I really believe that our foo experiences are related to what we're experiencing now. I was left as a child, have abandonment issues of my own, and I'm 100% convinced I stuck around trying to right the wrongs of the past.

[heartandwhole]

I'm going to welcome the clarity instead of fearing it. The clearer it gets the further away from him I get. This is important as sometimes I fear being susceptible to him again.

Yes! That is so empowering, Larmoyant. 

[bestintentions]

Sadly, it's a sobering thought to realise that we loved a fantasy.

L -

Sobering is putting is lightly, for me.  Devastating is more how I'd describe it.

And while I think things to myself like... ."well 25 years is a long time, go easy on yourself.  it takes as long as it takes.", it doesn't reduce the pain in the moment.  I'm right there with you.  My therapist says the only way out is through it.  It sucks.  But look at the progress you've made!  Keep posting, it helps us all.

bi

[lovenature]

You are not a pathetic doormat, remember that the closer you get to a PWBPD, the more they hurt you and push you away. It is very confusing and heartbreaking going through these relationships.

You are stronger than you realize, reality has proven this by you consistently posting, reading, learning about your ex. and yourself. There will be many triggers for you going forward, I know all too well!
We have to accept memories and thoughts/feelings; the better we can manage these, the better we can live going forward.

One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time; keep going L.