I'd like to hear from those of you with adult children w/BPDex

[bestintentions]

My stbx and I have two adult children.  After the discard and my wife moved out, there has been very little contact with them on her end.  D22 is not interested in talking to her mother for the foreseeable future and my stbx knows this saying to me on one occasion "I've lost my baby girl".  S19 has Asperger's (I guess this is known as ASD now) and is very high-functioning.  Stbx was very attached to him as a child (and continued to be throughout his life) and I do credit her with getting him into a normal school setting and spearheading his development.  As such, I grew closer to my daughter based on how hard to handle my son was in early childhood, with stbx grabbing the reins. 

Now that I know this has been BPD all this time (all these years I had credited her dysregulation, etc., to PMDD which is part of the reason this has hit me so hard)... .I'm wondering what all of this could mean as far as how/if she sees a r/s with the kids down the road.  I'm almost certain shame is a huge factor here.  What are your experiences?

bi