New here and need support

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all,
I have been reading many of these threads for a couple of months now and am so inspired by the courage and honesty that I think I, too, could benefit from the group's insight and hopefully I can give back as well.

I'll start with my story... .

First, I identify as a lesbian.  That's kind of important to this story and you'll understand why shortly... .

about 4 years ago, I entered into a relationship with a woman I had fallen for in college. She identified as straight in college and while there was something about her flirtatiousness with me that made me wonder, I let the notion go and dealt with unrequited love.  That was 20 years ago.  Flash forward... .she is married and has been for 15 years and has a small child. I know her husband from college too.  Mr. Nice Guy 100%.  Their marriage is picture perfect to many.  I will spare the intricate details but basically, we have an affair, she tells her husband she is a lesbian and that she is in love with me,  they get divorced and the two of us buy a house together (she convinced me we needed to) all in the matter of about a year.  The intensity of our relationship was NOTHING like anything I had known. The chemistry, passion, sex, so many good times... .I felt like we were destined to be together.  No one, least of all, me,  would have ever thought that after 20 years we would end up together?  her son and I formed a bond that we still have to this day. I loved him as my own. The catch I chose to live with was she was not comfortable being "out." She told her very best friends and we were out to my family but that was it.  This would take it's toll placing me in depressive episodes. The first few months in the house were great. We took a trip to NY with friends of mine and she wanted me to take her to Tiffany's so we could buy rings.  I felt loved, special, important. She proposed to me and celebrated in front of my friends with champagne, the whole works.  Best day of my life.  Best trip.  Bliss.  When we got back... .that's when things changed.  My depression was getting worse. The secretiveness of the relationship was making me question my self-worth, her love, everything.  She kept telling me to be patient. At the same time, having violent outbursts of anger and condescending to me constantly.  Even "sending me to my room" in front of her child. I had a separate bedroom to make the "roommate" story she was selling to her family believable.  (they had to have known! they weren't stupid.)    highs and lows, highs and lows. Fighting, crazy making, manipulations, I can't win ever. EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT.  The only thing that was constant was her wanting sex. A lot of it.  hey, I wasn't disappointed with that; it started to be the only time I felt close to her again and felt like she really loved me.  I think looking back, the early stages were love-bombing and then devaluing started after the NY trip.  Nothing that she loved about me before was good now even down to the perfume I wore which drove her crazy in the beginning... .now, she said she didn't like it anymore.  She was always trying to fix me and change me.  And as each year went by, she got further in the closet. And I got more impatient which made her angry and resentful.  I'm hanging on to crumbs at this point and the sex keeps me staying and I'm thinking, "no way is she going to leave me if we are this good together."  A year ago, we decided to go to couples' counseling to work on our communication and to get things back on track.  She loves therapy and self-help gurus like Brene Brown and Louise Hayes (but I never see any changes in her whatsoever.)  our therapist, an older lesbian, helps us with communication and my ex says she feels closer to me now and how happy she is that we are doing the work and we actually start getting better.  So, we're on a high.  Then, we hit a low again. After a night of great intimacy and closeness, she tells me she doesn't know what we are doing.  Huh?  I say, "what are you talking about? we're working on our relationship and... .what about the rings and... .?"  She laughs, "that was 3 years ago."  I'm crushed.  What a cruel thing to say.  This seems so out of leftfield, I am feeling crazy. I have sacrificed so much for her "closet" and I believed in everything that had been fed to me and now to hear this.  The next day, I head to Florida to visit my parents.  I come home on my bday.  She picks me up from the airport. No bday card, nothing. Later that evening, she says she'll take me out for drinks but it feels forced.  We get home, she wants to "give me" sex for my bday.  I feel cheap.  Used.  I fake it for the first time but I still love her. I think we'll get better. It will be better.  The next morning we have our therapy session and she says she is confused and needs time and space and thinks we need to end our romantic relationship. Devastated.  Later that night, she tells me she got aroused looking at a guy. Won't tell me who. Is it a client?  Who knows.  She tells me she took the Kinsey test (the test from the 50s on how gay/straight a person is.) She is a 2, she says.  She never tells me once that she doesn't love me anymore. I try to get her to say it. She just cries and keeps telling me she doesn't know what she wants.  She wants me but has to make sure its for the right reasons.  The next 30 days are HELL as I am trying to find an apartment and get out.  She goes out a lot with a new BFF and acts as if I don't matter.  I'm still living there and she's out having a great time and doing things she didn't do before like danceclubs and chain-smoking (is she in mid-life?)  while I am CRUSHED and feel like I am DYING inside.  I have no idea who this person is.  Where is the woman who adored me?  This person is cold and unfeeling (although I've seen this before from her... .I just block it out I guess.)  All the signs were there. Every single one.  I feel like a fool. stupid, shame, embarrassed.  I get an apartment and move out last September.  She says she needs to see my place so she can picture where I am... .?   I can't believe I fell for that. I have her over briefly. I see her son once in October before she decides (again, out of nowhere) that I can't see him anymore because I am unstable and depressed.  CRUSHED again. I love this boy and he loves me. I reach out to her ex husband (who had since remarried.) and believe it or not, we are very good friends now. I guess you can say we had someone in common. he and his wife make sure I get to see the boy during their parenting time and I get to see the child in December. In January, I run into my ex at a bar. She had just performed in a show that night and was celebrating with her new BFF. No one in the picture yet, otherwise, they most certainly would have been there celebrating with her.  In March of this year, I get a text from her that her father, who had been ill, is now dying. She wants to give me the opportunity to see him one last time.  I go and see him. He whispers in my ear, "you are so loved."  I can't help but think he was trying to tell me something and at the time, I am not sure what.   Later that week, I do something stupid and go to her FB page. We are no longer "friends" but I can see public posts.  She posts she is "in a relationship." WHAT?  WHEN?  I expected her to really play the field.  I find out he is the friend of the BFF! Makes sense now.  The BFF who thinks I was just a roommate who moved out sees my ex as a potential partner for her male friend. They had already been together when I saw her dad for the last time.  I feel sick.  I am trying to figure out if maybe this guy had been lined up all along?  IF her new friends didn't know about me then what would stop them from hooking her up with someone?  It was clear to me that I was being erased.  I decided I would not go to his funeral. I didn't need to see them together.  The most crazy thing was that the night BEFORE the funeral and visitation, she announces their engagment on FB!  She didn't even tell her very best friends (who became my close friends as well when we got together.)  They had not even met the guy until the funeral and she kept anyone that knew about me away from this new guy.  I don't think this guy even knows that she had a relationship with me.   Who announces an enagement the night before their dad's funeral? And what guy thinks this is a good idea?  A Mr. Nice Guy, that's who.  10 years younger than her too.  Easily controllable and manipulated.   I am devastated all over again.  She blocks me from FB.  I'm officially erased and replaced.  They plan the trip to Paris she and I were planning.  He is getting everything she wanted with me.  Meanwhile, her ex-husband tells me she hated sex with men and used to put a towel between them.  He says he felt for a long time that he was NOT married to a straight woman.  But, they were both catholic and trying to stay in the marriage and then for the child. She told me all the time how she never wanted to go back to that life and that I was the most authentic love she had ever known or experienced or felt.  I JUST DON'T GET IT.   Anyways... .their wedding is December 3rd.  I have been in therapy since January of this year. Hospitalized last year. On medication and working my ass of trying to figure myself out and how I got with someone like this.  Rebuilding.  Better than last year for sure. A year feels like months. I move forward some days feeling strong and capable of letting her go and other days, I want her to miss me, to charm so I can feel like I meant something. It's a sick cycle.

I can't help but feel sad and rejected and this awful feeling of being replaced.  How do you get over that?  I wanted that so much with her... .marriage, a home, a life together... .  She's giving it so easily to this guy.  What was wrong with me? 

Does any of this sound like BPD?  I guess I am seeking validation for how I feel because the people around me do not understand why it is taking me so long to MOVE ON.  I don't even feel like dating yet.  Too much pain still to work through.  Thanks for reading.  I don't feel so alone with this group. I hope all of you are hanging in there as well.

[teddygreco]

Hello all,
I have been reading many of these threads for a couple of months now and am so inspired by the courage and honesty that I think I, too, could benefit from the group's insight and hopefully I can give back as well.

I'll start with my story... .

First, I identify as a lesbian.  That's kind of important to this story and you'll understand why shortly... .

about 4 years ago, I entered into a relationship with a woman I had fallen for in college. She identified as straight in college and while there was something about her flirtatiousness with me that made me wonder, I let the notion go and dealt with unrequited love.  That was 20 years ago.  Flash forward... .she is married and has been for 15 years and has a small child. I know her husband from college too.  Mr. Nice Guy 100%.  Their marriage is picture perfect to many.  I will spare the intricate details but basically, we have an affair, she tells her husband she is a lesbian and that she is in love with me,  they get divorced and the two of us buy a house together (she convinced me we needed to) all in the matter of about a year.  The intensity of our relationship was NOTHING like anything I had known. The chemistry, passion, sex, so many good times... .I felt like we were destined to be together.  No one, least of all, me,  would have ever thought that after 20 years we would end up together?  her son and I formed a bond that we still have to this day. I loved him as my own. The catch I chose to live with was she was not comfortable being "out." She told her very best friends and we were out to my family but that was it.  This would take it's toll placing me in depressive episodes. The first few months in the house were great. We took a trip to NY with friends of mine and she wanted me to take her to Tiffany's so we could buy rings.  I felt loved, special, important. She proposed to me and celebrated in front of my friends with champagne, the whole works.  Best day of my life.  Best trip.  Bliss.  When we got back... .that's when things changed.  My depression was getting worse. The secretiveness of the relationship was making me question my self-worth, her love, everything.  She kept telling me to be patient. At the same time, having violent outbursts of anger and condescending to me constantly.  Even "sending me to my room" in front of her child. I had a separate bedroom to make the "roommate" story she was selling to her family believable.  (they had to have known! they weren't stupid.)    highs and lows, highs and lows. Fighting, crazy making, manipulations, I can't win ever. EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT.  The only thing that was constant was her wanting sex. A lot of it.  hey, I wasn't disappointed with that; it started to be the only time I felt close to her again and felt like she really loved me.  I think looking back, the early stages were love-bombing and then devaluing started after the NY trip.  Nothing that she loved about me before was good now even down to the perfume I wore which drove her crazy in the beginning... .now, she said she didn't like it anymore.  She was always trying to fix me and change me.  And as each year went by, she got further in the closet. And I got more impatient which made her angry and resentful.  I'm hanging on to crumbs at this point and the sex keeps me staying and I'm thinking, "no way is she going to leave me if we are this good together."  A year ago, we decided to go to couples' counseling to work on our communication and to get things back on track.  She loves therapy and self-help gurus like Brene Brown and Louise Hayes (but I never see any changes in her whatsoever.)  our therapist, an older lesbian, helps us with communication and my ex says she feels closer to me now and how happy she is that we are doing the work and we actually start getting better.  So, we're on a high.  Then, we hit a low again. After a night of great intimacy and closeness, she tells me she doesn't know what we are doing.  Huh?  I say, "what are you talking about? we're working on our relationship and... .what about the rings and... .?"  She laughs, "that was 3 years ago."  I'm crushed.  What a cruel thing to say.  This seems so out of leftfield, I am feeling crazy. I have sacrificed so much for her "closet" and I believed in everything that had been fed to me and now to hear this.  The next day, I head to Florida to visit my parents.  I come home on my bday.  She picks me up from the airport. No bday card, nothing. Later that evening, she says she'll take me out for drinks but it feels forced.  We get home, she wants to "give me" sex for my bday.  I feel cheap.  Used.  I fake it for the first time but I still love her. I think we'll get better. It will be better.  The next morning we have our therapy session and she says she is confused and needs time and space and thinks we need to end our romantic relationship. Devastated.  Later that night, she tells me she got aroused looking at a guy. Won't tell me who. Is it a client?  Who knows.  She tells me she took the Kinsey test (the test from the 50s on how gay/straight a person is.) She is a 2, she says.  She never tells me once that she doesn't love me anymore. I try to get her to say it. She just cries and keeps telling me she doesn't know what she wants.  She wants me but has to make sure its for the right reasons.  The next 30 days are HELL as I am trying to find an apartment and get out.  She goes out a lot with a new BFF and acts as if I don't matter.  I'm still living there and she's out having a great time and doing things she didn't do before like danceclubs and chain-smoking (is she in mid-life?)  while I am CRUSHED and feel like I am DYING inside.  I have no idea who this person is.  Where is the woman who adored me?  This person is cold and unfeeling (although I've seen this before from her... .I just block it out I guess.)  All the signs were there. Every single one.  I feel like a fool. stupid, shame, embarrassed.  I get an apartment and move out last September.  She says she needs to see my place so she can picture where I am... .?   I can't believe I fell for that. I have her over briefly. I see her son once in October before she decides (again, out of nowhere) that I can't see him anymore because I am unstable and depressed.  CRUSHED again. I love this boy and he loves me. I reach out to her ex husband (who had since remarried.) and believe it or not, we are very good friends now. I guess you can say we had someone in common. he and his wife make sure I get to see the boy during their parenting time and I get to see the child in December. In January, I run into my ex at a bar. She had just performed in a show that night and was celebrating with her new BFF. No one in the picture yet, otherwise, they most certainly would have been there celebrating with her.  In March of this year, I get a text from her that her father, who had been ill, is now dying. She wants to give me the opportunity to see him one last time.  I go and see him. He whispers in my ear, "you are so loved."  I can't help but think he was trying to tell me something and at the time, I am not sure what.   Later that week, I do something stupid and go to her FB page. We are no longer "friends" but I can see public posts.  She posts she is "in a relationship." WHAT?  WHEN?  I expected her to really play the field.  I find out he is the friend of the BFF! Makes sense now.  The BFF who thinks I was just a roommate who moved out sees my ex as a potential partner for her male friend. They had already been together when I saw her dad for the last time.  I feel sick.  I am trying to figure out if maybe this guy had been lined up all along?  IF her new friends didn't know about me then what would stop them from hooking her up with someone?  It was clear to me that I was being erased.  I decided I would not go to his funeral. I didn't need to see them together.  The most crazy thing was that the night BEFORE the funeral and visitation, she announces their engagment on FB!  She didn't even tell her very best friends (who became my close friends as well when we got together.)  They had not even met the guy until the funeral and she kept anyone that knew about me away from this new guy.  I don't think this guy even knows that she had a relationship with me.   Who announces an enagement the night before their dad's funeral? And what guy thinks this is a good idea?  A Mr. Nice Guy, that's who.  10 years younger than her too.  Easily controllable and manipulated.   I am devastated all over again.  She blocks me from FB.  I'm officially erased and replaced.  They plan the trip to Paris she and I were planning.  He is getting everything she wanted with me.  Meanwhile, her ex-husband tells me she hated sex with men and used to put a towel between them.  He says he felt for a long time that he was NOT married to a straight woman.  But, they were both catholic and trying to stay in the marriage and then for the child. She told me all the time how she never wanted to go back to that life and that I was the most authentic love she had ever known or experienced or felt.  I JUST DON'T GET IT.   Anyways... .their wedding is December 3rd.  I have been in therapy since January of this year. Hospitalized last year. On medication and working my ass of trying to figure myself out and how I got with someone like this.  Rebuilding.  Better than last year for sure. A year feels like months. I move forward some days feeling strong and capable of letting her go and other days, I want her to miss me, to charm so I can feel like I meant something. It's a sick cycle.

I can't help but feel sad and rejected and this awful feeling of being replaced.  How do you get over that?  I wanted that so much with her... .marriage, a home, a life together... .  She's giving it so easily to this guy.  What was wrong with me? 

Does any of this sound like BPD?  I guess I am seeking validation for how I feel because the people around me do not understand why it is taking me so long to MOVE ON.  I don't even feel like dating yet.  Too much pain still to work through.  Thanks for reading.  I don't feel so alone with this group. I hope all of you are hanging in there as well.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi teddygreco-

And welcome! 

Whew!  That's a lot.  I'm sorry you are going through that, it would be very painful and confusing, and thank you for telling us, I bet the just telling us felt a little better?

How do you get over that?

One day at a time, feeling emotions all the way through them, learning and growing.  And we're all doing that too, so you're not alone.

What was wrong with me? 

Not the best of questions.  When you ask your brain that it will come up with 100 things that were wrong with you.  Really, you were in love and emotionally enmeshed and she left.  That hurts.  And there's grieving and processing of emotions to do as you work through it, with emphasis on the through.

Does any of this sound like BPD?

Honestly not a lot of traits of borderline personality disorder pop out from your story especially, except maybe the unstable nature of the relationship and her moods, and her ability to move on like you don't exist, although those things are not exclusive to BPD.  And there sounds like significant sexual confusion on her part, or maybe difficulty accepting her sexuality is a better way to put it.

Anyway, welcome again, and keep reading and posting; the diagnosis doesn't matter especially, it's the behaviors and how they affected you that matter.  Take care of you!

[eprogeny]

Wow. What an incredibly difficult situation. I am so very sorry this all happened, but I am very glad you are reaching out for the support that can help you.

In regards to her sexual identity, many with BPD aren't quite sure what their sexual orientation is so if she's confused about her orientation that could be an indicator she has the disorder (as opposed to if she identifies as bisexual).  Also, her not jumping ship until she found a replacement is very typical - though that behavior is pretty common amongst many people without the disorder, too. 

In your case, the one thing that really made me think your ex might have it is that everything was "perfect" right up until the NY trip.  In my experience, it seems the BPD person is hell-bent on getting to a specific "thing" with us - the signature event or experience we have somehow indicated is the pinnacle of our emotional investment in them.  Once they get it, and I mean like nearly immediately, some sort of switch in their heads is flipped and everything drastically changes in how they interact with us.  I have begun to think that they were trying to prove to themselves they are worthwhile if we will give them that "thing" - but then once they get it they don't feel any differently so they just start to see us as the wrong choice for who can make them feel that way (which is faulty thinking all the way around - only they can give themselves the self-worth they're trying to find from us).

However, there are some behaviors I didn't see you mention that I have come to see are pretty typical:

1) Did you experience a push/pull dynamic with her during the time you reconnected after college?  As in, would she draw you in and then suddenly push you away over and over during the course of the relationship?  This seems to be a pretty common thing amongst the BPDs discussed on these boards.

2) Did she ever "punish" you with emotional and/or physical outbursts? 

3) Did her moods change rather quickly for no apparent reason - from feeling happy and excited to despair or depression?

4) Did she suffer from a near debilitation level of self-hatred or self-shame?

5) Did she have an intense fear of abandonment?

My experience was that my BPDexg (I am female as well) didn't have a stable sense of herself so she would literally mold herself after whomever she was targeting for her emotional "fix".  I saw her do that on a small scale with someone while we were friends - all her likes and dislikes became that other person's, she did it with me on a bigger scale as we began to grow a romance, and I saw her do it as our romance failed as she began grooming my replacement and started adopting that person's traits and likes.  And, she's already started to do it with an entirely new person - which tells me my replacement is getting replaced, and she probably doesn't even know it.  And that same behavior pattern is something many here have described as something they had in their BPD relationships, too.

If none of those behaviors were present, she may not have the disorder.  That said, it is entirely possible your ex may not be diagnosable with BPD, but may still possess some traits that are part of the BPD diagnosis.  Or, considering the age range (I'm guessing early to mid 40s?), there's also the chance she had BPD but has outgrown much of it (some do) - yet may still suffer from one or more symptoms of it. 

You've asked "what is wrong with me?" - I know that feeling, and I know it well.  It was the very question I wailed at my therapist a year ago when I nearly collapsed under the weight of what I could only describe as the sudden awareness I had about how much emotional abuse I'd been suffering.  I wanted to know why I hadn't seen it before, why I had allowed it into my life, and why someone like my BPDexgf picked me for it.

It's a horrible feeling that prompts the question.  The truth is, the answer may lay within the specifics of the pain you're feeling even now.  In my case I had no real understanding of how my own co-dependency drove me into the cycles I had with my ex - but when I came to see it, the devastating pain I felt for all the years she and I did our little dance suddenly lifted.  I'd been driven, to a near-neurotic level, to keep trying and trying and trying with my ex.  It hurt me so many times to suffer from her internal conflicts and her outward messed up behaviors - and yet I kept trying and I kept willingly putting myself into the cycle. 

It didn't stop until I came to realize why I was so hurt by it all - why this relationship above all others I'd ever had hurt me and drove me to such extremes.  By focusing there and drilling into myself to get to the core of what it was - that I was hurt, angry, and resentful at being so mistreated after all I'd done to be the perfect partner.  I'd earned better than that.  And that's when it hit me - I'd actually been trying to earn something I should not have had to earn.  And I immediately recognized the desperate feelings I had were the same ones I had in childhood - because of the mistreatment by a BPD parent.  I cannot describe the incredible psychological pain it put me into to see that truth - and to see I'd been literally reliving my childhood trauma, but I can tell you that the emotional obsession I had over the ex instantly vaporized in that very same moment.

In your case, if you are asking what is wrong with you - that tells me there is more to your story that you think you've done something wrong, that your ex was so incomprehensibly "out there" in terms of what you've known as "normal" that you're trying to wrap your brain around it.  My advice?  Keep reading here.  Keep posting.  Keep digging into yourself. 

Your answers are coming, and with them you will begin your path to recovery.

[teddygreco]

the diagnosis doesn't matter especially, it's the behaviors and how they affected you that matter.

 

Yes, thank you. Very helpful to share and to keep reading. And helpful to hear that it's really about their behaviors and how they have affected me that matter.  I have been really working hard on myself and recently think I am taking a step backward. I am dreaming a lot about her and this wedding. Seems like the closer the big day gets, the worse I feel. I am trying to make my own plans for that day so that I am busy and surrounded by friends. The last words she spoke to me personally the day I moved out were, "there are no words to express how important you are to me."  ?  To go from that to NOTHING?  I am working towards radical acceptance and trying to accept that I am not able to make sense of this. No one in our circle can make sense of it either. I am getting closer to finding out the source of the unbearable pain inside of me that her leaving has drudged up. My hope is that once I work thru that, she will fade from my thoughts.  And until then, I will keep taking it one day at a time. I have read a lot of posts from others here expressing many of the same feelings I have and that is comforting/validating.  I am glad I found this group.

[teddygreco]

Wow. What an incredibly difficult situation. I am so very sorry this all happened, but I am very glad you are reaching out for the support that can help you.


1) Did you experience a push/pull dynamic with her during the time you reconnected after college?  As in, would she draw you in and then suddenly push you away over and over during the course of the relationship?  This seems to be a pretty common thing amongst the BPDs discussed on these boards.

Not sure if this is push/pull but she would often go to extremes if we were having an argument and quickly get to, "I can't do this anymore." "this shouldn't be this hard."  Then, I would panic, apologize for having feelings and be in her good graces again. This seemed to be a weekly thing.

2) Did she ever "punish" you with emotional and/or physical outbursts?

Yes. I describe her like a bull in a china shop. She would be yelling at me and if I got angry, would tell me I was the one out of control.  She would get angry very quickly like going from 0 to 90 in seconds. One example was if I ate the last of something or ate something before dinner time, she would plow into me. If I did something that SHE DID NOT CONTROL, she would shut me out. Withhold affection. Become cold. One time, I was crying in my room after one of her outbursts and she came to my room and without any emotion said, "when you are finished crying, you can come talk to me."  

3) Did her moods change rather quickly for no apparent reason - from feeling happy and excited to despair or depression?

I guess if the slightest thing threw a wrench in her day, it would be downhill from there and that was every other day it seemed.  Constant chaos and drama.  I walked on eggshells.

4) Did she suffer from a near debilitation level of self-hatred or self-shame?

I might have caught a brief glimpse of this. She hates vulnerability in herself and tries desperately to appear perfect, in control, successful. but she's none of those things and I do think she hates herself. I think she wanted to be like me (warm, kind-hearted, empathic,vulnerable) and she seemed to be that way for our first year together and then she was the opposite of all of that.

5) Did she have an intense fear of abandonment?

I used to think she was this independent, self-assured, confident woman. Looking back, she would get mad at me if I didn't go everywhere she was going. Like to the grocery store. Suddenly it meant I didn't want to spend time with her and there would be a blow-up. A lot of stuff like that (which was also a way of controlling my free-time.) And, sometimes, she would bring up the fear that I would leave her if she didn't come out. And, of course, upon hearing that, made me assure her even more I would not leave her.

My experience was that my BPDexg (I am female as well) didn't have a stable sense of herself so she would literally mold herself after whomever she was targeting for her emotional "fix".  I saw her do that on a small scale with someone while we were friends - all her likes and dislikes became that other person's, she did it with me on a bigger scale as we began to grow a romance, and I saw her do it as our romance failed as she began grooming my replacement and started adopting that person's traits and likes.  And, she's already started to do it with an entirely new person - which tells me my replacement is getting replaced, and she probably doesn't even know it.  And that same behavior pattern is something many here have described as something they had in their BPD relationships, too.

YES. I think she did that with me.  And, I noticed when she met her new BFF that she started changing her hair, her likes, and she's even stopped seeing our very best best friends and an entire community of acquaintances.  It's like she took on a whole new life and shed the old.

It didn't stop until I came to realize why I was so hurt by it all - why this relationship above all others I'd ever had hurt me and drove me to such extremes.  By focusing there and drilling into myself to get to the core of what it was - that I was hurt, angry, and resentful at being so mistreated after all I'd done to be the perfect partner.  I'd earned better than that.  And that's when it hit me - I'd actually been trying to earn something I should not have had to earn.  And I immediately recognized the desperate feelings I had were the same ones I had in childhood - because of the mistreatment by a BPD parent.  I cannot describe the incredible psychological pain it put me into to see that truth - and to see I'd been literally reliving my childhood trauma, but I can tell you that the emotional obsession I had over the ex instantly vaporized in that very same moment.

Yes! I just am now talking about my father in therapy last week. I am seeing the parallels between him and her. I thought I had reconciled my hurtful relationship with him. Nope. Apparently not.

In your case, if you are asking what is wrong with you - that tells me there is more to your story that you think you've done something wrong, that your ex was so incomprehensibly "out there" in terms of what you've known as "normal" that you're trying to wrap your brain around it.  My advice?  Keep reading here.  Keep posting.  Keep digging into yourself.  

I will!  and THANK YOU for replying.