Birthday Greetings? Advice please

[Larmoyant]

Now this might sound a little odd, but I am trying to prepare myself.

In a couple of weeks it's my ex's birthday and mine is the day after. I shared two birthdays with him and each was terrible with him causing some chaos or other. However, I know how sad he gets on his birthday as he believes no one cares for him. I am conflicted about whether or not to send him birthday greetings. He really does dysregulate on his birthday and I once found a note he'd written around that time suggesting suicidal ideation and it was really a Will. He'd left me his dog.  

My aim would be for him to know that he was being thought of on his birthday.

Despite all that has happened and the damage done I still struggle with feeling sorry for him, at the same time the damage to me has been so extensive that I should keep well away. I have got a lot stronger, but still feel susceptible to him and hope (less and less) that he will morph into a 'normal' person and takes steps to make this right. I'm realising more and more that this is never going to happen, but I still have the residue feelings of hope. Not all the time, but there nonetheless.

Any words of wisdom would be very much appreciated. Thank you.  

[Turkish]

Contacting him would be a kind thing to do.  Nothing wrong with being kind.  Think of it as something in the moment. 

If your motivation is to nudge him to change,  I'd think about that.  I'd ask myself,  "what's my role here,  and is he an independent entity,  free to make his own choices and live his life? Do I want something from this,  or do I have an agenda here?" What action does the least harm to both of you?

[babyducks]

My two cents is a simple plain Happy Birthday message would be kind.

It might not be something you are able to do, or maybe not do easily.   Contact is usually a good indicator of where we are in our detachment.   If I am detached and not taking things personally then  contact is not disturbing.

   Turkish asked good questions.   I'll ask one more.   Can you make this about being polite, being the better person, doing what you think is the right thing, and not about saving him from his feelings, rescuing him from feelings of self loathing?

Do you believe you aren't on the drama triangle, (which is sometimes hard to do), and that this is in your best interests, doesn't damage your recovery, doesn't injure you?

well okay that was two questions.   

[heartandwhole]

I agree with  Turkish and babyducks, Larmoyant. In your shoes, I would do it if I felt that he would appreciate it and if I felt detached from the relationship. If you feel that you have no other motives, you can send him a simple greeting. It's kind, and will let him know that he's being thought about.

If you want to do it to evoke conversation between you, in the hope that something this time is different... .or out of pity, rescuing, etc., then I'd take notice of that for later processing, especially if you feel hurt by any responses that might come. 

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[Larmoyant]

Turkish, baby ducks, heartandwhole, thank you for your replies.

I'm leaning towards sending him a short message because 1. It's kind, 2. I don't like the thought of him feeling depressed or sad on his birthday. I wouldn't want that for anyone, 3. I'd feel guilty if I didn't, and, 4. For the good times. He could be kind sometimes and very funny and I loved him. I found him gorgeous and if he'd stayed Dr Jekyll I never would have left.

I can't see it doing any harm other than him thinking it's a way back in. Part of me is still susceptible to him if he says the right thing though he hasn't up to now and really what's the right thing! He will never take any responsibility and so much has happened I can't see myself ever going back. Not now.

I'd be very worried about any response I might get though. Who knows who'd answer, Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde or maybe he'd tell me he's got a new girlfriend or something. That would hurt a lot. My birthday is the following day and I wouldn't want to hear from him.  Does that sound strange? He triggers me whenever he makes contact, but he seems to have gone now and whilst I'm still hurting I feel better.

[C.Stein]

I'll add my 2 cents here.

I struggled with this very issue when my ex's birthday came around this year.  I know in the past even her parents have forgotten her birthday and as others said, the kind thing to do is extend wishes ... .under the assumption there are no ulterior motives and both people are completely emotionally detached.  Honestly ask yourself L ... .is that the case here?

That said, this person is no longer a part of your life.  At some point you need to stop looking back.

What did I do this year?  I didn't extend wishes to her directly, but not out of spite but because I am tired of being ignored and it is really no longer my place.  Last year I did wish her a happy birthday and it was about 2 weeks after I had been introduced to the trash bin.  She did thank me and that was it ... .I never heard from her again until I contacted her to give her some stuff.  I'm still "paying" for that day.  When my b-day came around a month later I was ignored.  

[jarrad2121]

My uBPDex's birthday is actually tomorrow.  We've now been broken up for about 7 weeks (we were engaged at the time), and I've been NC for almost 5 weeks.  Intellectually, I don't feel like it's even remotely a good idea to reach out to her in any manner because of the freshness of the breakup and the back and forth I'm afraid (almost certain) it might cause... .which would inevitably completely undo all the healing I've been able to accomplish since we broke up.  I'm still hurting a good bit from the break up though, and don't need anything to set me back.  I probably answered my own question with all this, but any ideas or support would be appreciated. 

[bus boy]

As the old saying goes, say nothing and saw wood. Your ex's issues are not your problem. I use to get in a knot over things with my Xw now I could care less about her. She sends crazy texts I don't respond, the less I respond the worse she gets. Xw is a vile person not worthy of my concern or kindness. When Xw texts, I tell my self, nothing from nothing equals nothing.

[Pretty Woman]

While it is a very very kind gesture, I have to agree with C. Stein here. This person is not a part of your life anymore and they caused you so much pain.

For me, it always helps to remember... .was my ex there for me on my birthday or when I was feeling down. No. Was my ex there for me at all? No.

I might sound unsympathetic but I call it setting self-preserving boundaries. Reaching out only allows them to continue to take advantage (if not now, in the future) and use you to sooth their... .THEIR sadness. It is all one sided.
If you want to do something, send him positive thoughts and do something fun that day for YOU.

He is not your problem anymore and you are not responsible should he decide to commit suicide or hurt himself.  BPD's are very resourceful. He will find the attention he needs and if he doesn't, that is not your responsibility.

We cannot tell you what to do and please take all commentary as it is, just because we care about you and your wellbeing. At this point, you are only responsible for you and your actions. Do as you wish but please think about it and what possible outcomes/setbacks in YOUR healing could occur.

 
PW

[petedrexler]

I wouldn't! He'll be fine. Not to sound harsh, but for me, the risk is not worth the reward. 

[TheSinister]

I read carefully what you wrote and I think that you simply miss him and
Still love him, so breaking NC in his Bday is a good time for you to open a new channel of communication with him,
Its not about him being sad on his birthday, its all about you trying to connect with him again "hoping" something will be different

[bestintentions]

L -

I'm going to echo the sentiment of letting this go and not sending it.  I saw your reasons but ultimately I think you want a response.  Good or bad, it lets him know you're still interested on some level no matter the intent.

bi

[babyducks]

Hi Larmoyant,

I know you are going to be thinking about him on his birthday regardless of if you send a message or not.  And I know that the next day, your birthday will be hard.   That's pretty natural.  When we cross any threshold or major event it's normal to think of those people we shared the event with.  Normal to feel sad about the loss we have experienced.   Normal to miss the good times and grieve the tragedy that is mental illness.

What jumped out to me in your reasons was numbers 2 and 3.

I'm leaning towards sending him a short message because 1. It's kind, 2. I don't like the thought of him feeling depressed or sad on his birthday. I wouldn't want that for anyone, 3. I'd feel guilty if I didn't, and, 4. For the good times.

I understand the impulse of not wanting him to feel sad or depressed on his birthday.   I wouldn't want anyone to feel sad or depressed on their birthday.   Here is the thing though.   His feelings are his feelings.   Nothing you can do about them.   You might send him a card, a cake and a brass band and he still has every right to feel his feelings.   Which may be sad and depressed.  Or may be something else.   Either way they are his.   His choices and decisions led him to be where he is on his birthday.   He is responsible for his emotions, not you.

 Feeling guilty is a tough emotion to deal with.  You said you are worried about his response.  Still it seems you are willing to go out on a limb to protect his emotions more than your own.   I understand that too.   Been there done that.   What I learned from it was that my self esteem was so damaged in places, that I excused a bunch of bad behavior.   More than excused really.   Tried my dandiest to fix it.   That isn't something I want to do anymore.    I came to understand that trying to figure out the logic of guilt didn't help me.    I couldn't debate the truth or falseness of why I felt guilty.  Did I do something wrong?  What's the right thing to do?   Who is to blame?  Who is more to blame?   I had to lean into the guilt and look at what was behind it.   I would encourage you to do the same.

You know you have a couple of weeks to prepare for your birthday, and his.   No matter what you do, send a message or not, there is going to be a couple of bad moments during those two days.   It's like going for a root canal, you know that there will be some bad moments.  Prepare for them.   Understand that they will pass through.   Experience those feelings.   Acknowledge that they are part of your experience.  Find ways to deliberately and consciously put yourself first.   You deserve to be focused on your birthday.   How to make that as good a time as you can right now.   

Hang in there.   And take care of yourself first.
'ducks

[Larmoyant]

babyducks, I've just signed on and read your post and I'm in floods of tears. I'm so confused by my feelings, so conflicted. I miss him so much sometimes, but most of it was just pure abuse. I'm so traumatised by it all yet I still feel sorry for him and want to wish him a happy birthday. It doesn't make any sense. I need to unravel all these competing emotions, but what I have realised today is that I'm not angry enough. He ruined by life with his push/pull yet I don't stay angry for long. Anger helped me leave, but then it deserts me and I turn back into me again. I forgive people too easily. Think about where they're coming from, where he's coming from. Feel sorry for him because of his BPD when in all likelihood he's with someone else. I wish our birthdays weren't coming up.

[C.Stein]

I know the hurricane that is raging inside your mind and heart L.  It seems almost impossible to latch onto any one emotion when you have a 100 different emotions competing for your attention.

Try to mentally step into the eye of the hurricane and observe your raging emotions with your logical/rational mind.  Reach out and pick one (and only one) emotion to confront and deal with.  Understand the emotion, know the emotion, embrace it until it doesn't control you anymore.  Then pick another one and do the same.  Eventually that raging hurricane will become a quite storm in the background.  It won't go away for a while but it won't be ripping you apart anymore.

[Zorba]

Personally I am in a similar situation to you except relating to Christmas.  My situation involves a fairly long term friendship with a BPD male with the friendship arising from a service that he has provided regularly over a long period of time.  For a few years I always got him a present a christmas but this was genuinely a thank you for his support over that year and nothing more.  My whole situation with this person completely imploded last October/November with me being given the silent treatment whilst simultaneously triangulating me and gaslighting me using Facebook.  Because of the gaslighting and the triangulation it got very nasty with me being denied any opportunity to have it out with him, deal with it and move on, which was all that I wanted.  I dithered about what to do at Christmas becuase part of me wanted to just carry on as normal and not show him that he had got to me, but the other half of me knew that his behaviour to me had been so vile that I really should not be rewarding this.  

In the end because at that time I was still hoping for thing to turn around somehow I decided to carry on as normal and send him a card and voucher/present partly because I was trying to show him that he hadn't got to me (which was clearly his intention with all the nasty stuff) and that I was still willing to try and overlook what had gone on but show genuine gratitude for the service he provided over that year (there had been occasions where he had genuinely put himself out for us).  He sent me a very short text saying thank you and that I shouldn't have but I could feel that it was through gritted teeth and at no point did he wish me a happy christmas despite openly wishing lots of his other customers a happy christmas on Facebook.  Since last October I have only seen him 3 times even though he still provides the service (my partner deals with this now) but it is clear that he has lied to me in text conversation I have had with him even in the last 4 months and due to some of the things he has said it is clear that he is still trying to hurt me.  I have decided this year to not make any gesture at all towards him at christmas.  I know that he will feel crushed by it but I have given this a year to sort itself out and it hasn't really and now I need to move on.  

At some point you have to cut the cord and frankly looking back I now see that perhaps I should have done this all a lot sooner and not allowed it to drag on for so long.  As someone else has suggested above I now understand that it is time that I think about my own emotions first instead of his.  One of the painful lessons that I have learnt the hard way from all of this is that I really need to stop investing more in any relationships than the other party which is what frequently leads me to being disappointed and hurt.  I think as well when you have reached the stage where you are genuinely trying to move on yourself instead of perpetuating the situation you would probably feel OK and at peace with not making any gesture towards him.

[Larmoyant]

How can something as simple as wishing someone a happy birthday be so difficult. Your replies have helped me such a lot and made me think, thank you. This is long and I apologise. If you manage to get through it, and have any more advice I would very much appreciate it. Thank you for listening. This helps.

In an effort to sort out my feelings I read over my journal and text messages of last year. I'll spare you all the details, but here is the gist:

We hadn't been able to celebrate his birthday on the actual day. He'd taken his daughters out to a restaurant to celebrate, but I wasn't allowed to join them. He'd had a lovely time, he'd said,
"expensive, but really worth it". He said I "would have loved it" and "it was a shame you couldn't be there".

On my birthday, he came over for a short while, but couldn't stay long as he was "too busy". He said he might come over that night if the girls let him, but only for a while. I said not to worry as my sister wanted to take me to dinner. He went ballistic, raging and insulting, started going on about all my past 'indiscretions', how I turn to other people and not him, how badly I've treated him, etc, etc, ending with him ridiculing the well thought out, loving gift I'd given him and storming out.

I wrote "I am in tears. My sisters have left a message, my mother has left a message, my sons, my friends, all saying they love me and happy birthday. I can't talk to them. I can't stop crying. There's something wrong and it's me. I should have stayed away. He says he loves me, is committed to me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but he still excludes me, still rages, still rants, still bullies and is still cruel. He hurts me every week". 

A few days later we decided to have a belated joint birthday celebration. This is what happened:

All great for the first hour or so then all hell broke loose. We joined several others to dance and one of the men playfully twirled me (and others) around, all perfectly innocent, but he stormed off. I followed only to have him call me names and rant at me. I just sat there. Tears. Not again. He went to the bar and started chatting to a woman who lucky for me wasn't interested, came back, insulted me some more. We left, me in tears, and got a cab back to his. Huge argument, but I was worn down. I tried to sleep on the sofa, but he wouldn't let me, cue more ranting. So I took a pillow and blanket outside to my car, but he followed with some sort of liquid and threatened to pour it into my car if I didn't go back in. I went back in and after more ranting he finally let me sleep. I woke up at 6.30am to more ranting and raging, snatching my mobile, etc, etc. I fled.

He came around later that day saying we 'both' overreacted. I wrote this is my journal "No I did not! It wasn't me. Not this time. It.Was.Not.Me."

This was a good reminder as I am most definitely not missing all of that choas and drama. His actions did not match his words and he was using his daughters as a barrier between us. His jealousy, fear of abandonment, was so incredibly strong and manifested in different ways throughout the relationship. Week in, week out. We couldn't go anywhere!

Reading this was a good reminder. I wrote earlier that I miss him and it hurts, but I think the pain comes from somewhere else because I'm not missing any of this. It was truly horrible. There has to have been something seriously wrong with me to tolerate it, believing that if I try a bit harder we could work it out. I know some of why I stayed now and I need to focus more on that so it doesn't ever happen again.

I'm now thinking it might be best not to send him birthday greetings. It's best if I keep moving forwards away from all the pain not back into it. If I send something there is a chance he'd respond, at the very least to reciprocate and wish me a happy birthday. It would trigger my pain and I'm doing well now, almost three weeks since I last heard from him.

But, then again, how can I overlook the note I found, his sadness, leaving me his dog, and how can I overlook his very real pain of thinking that no one cares for him? A feeling that becomes very apparent around his birthday. As volatile and abusive as he can be I've seen him hurting with my own eyes. Maybe a part of me is using this an an excuse, but at the same time I need to feel good about myself as a person. It's not all about him. It's also about me and who I am as a person. Omg, I think it has a selfish quality to it, but I am a person who would not hesitate to try to make someone else feel better, thought of and cared for if they are hurting, even if it isn't reciprocated. Maybe this was my trouble all along. I'm discovering something here, but it isn't clear yet.

This is extremely difficult dilemma and I'm struggling with it. Makes me wonder where I am in the detachment process. If I can get to the other side of this maybe I've moved a step closer to leaving this all behind me.

[babyducks]

Hi Larmoyant,

. So I took a pillow and blanket outside to my car, but he followed with some sort of liquid and threatened to pour it into my car if I didn't go back in. I went back in and

First I want to say I am sorry you went through that.   I wasn't there but just reading it I felt the trauma of what that experience had to be like.   What people smarter than me tell me, is that when we have a threatening dangerous event like this our natural inclination is to appease and protect the one who is hurting us.    There are a whole bunch of complex words that come out of neuroscience about it but basically it's human nature to want to save ourselves by disarming the threatening person in some way.

Think about that for a minute.   Seriously.   Pretend we are all cavemen and we are sitting in the cave eating berries and nuts around a fire.   There is one caveman with us, big dude and he has the biggest meanest looking club.  He is volatile.   He has a track record of swinging that club randomly.   Who am I giving my berries and nuts to?   Yeah you got it.   The mean guy with the temper.   It's protective.   It's wired into my DNA.   I want the mean guy on my side.   I want him not to be angry at me.   It's a way of looking out for myself.   Who are you giving your berries and nuts too?

.
I think the pain comes from somewhere else because I'm not missing any of this. It was truly horrible. There has to have been something seriously wrong with me to tolerate it, believing that if I try a bit harder we could work it out.

I think you are right, the pain is coming from multiple places.  Good job looking deeper into this.   I don't think there is something seriously wrong with you.   You were in a bad situation.   Things happened that you didn't know how to handle.   You responded instinctively and those responses didn't serve you well in many ways.  You are now working your way through this.   It's a learning process.

It's best if I keep moving forwards away from all the pain not back into it.

Absolutely right.   The way to not feel like this is to move through it.   to gently probe your own emotions, allow them to come and go, and start to pull apart what is really going on.   It's like peeling an onion, there is always more onion.

how can I overlook his very real pain of thinking that no one cares for him?

Whose pain is more important?   Yours or his?   Whose pain do you have a real chance, a real chance  to make a difference with?    Who can you affect more?  You've tried to fix his pain before, what does past experience tell you about how that turns out?    Here is what I know about people with this mental illness.   They will act in ways that are self destructive.   Over and over again.   That's why it's a mental illness.  It sucks.    But we can only be responsible for us.  There is nothing selfish about that.   It's honest.

It's not all about him. It's also about me and who I am as a person.

You deserve a good peaceful happy birthday.   You are X amount of years old and in those years you have accomplished many good things.   How would it look and feel if you could say 'I deserve a birthday with people who support me, appreciate me, and are committed to making my birthday a nice day'.   I hear you talking about his birthday and his feeling here.  A lot.   What about yours?

I'm discovering something here, but it isn't clear yet.

Isn't it great when the fog starts to lift, you dig in and realize hey I can make this better. 
 
ducks

[Zorba]

Well I agree that a simple birthday should not be this complicated but unfortunately it is when it is a pwBPD.  This is one of the many reasons why I have decided to bail in terms of struggling to keep my relationship going with my pwBPD.  Unfortunately everything has become too measured and the whole thing totally lacks spontaneity and frankly because of that it has become a little boring and tiresome. 

However, I think you are equating not sending a card with no longer loving him, caring for him, supporting him etc.  You can still do this for him without having to go out of your way to demonstrate it.  As someone above said you can send him positive thoughts etc.  I have chosen to move on in my situation and I truly now do not care how he feels about this.  This does not mean that I don't care about him, but I have come to realise that I must care about myself more.  I have wrestled with this fiasco for over a year now from when the abuse first started after many happy years as friends.  I am truly brokenhearted that things have gone this way but despite lots of effort on my part, and also accepting behaviour and treatment that I normally would not it has made no difference to the very bad atmosphere and feeling between us now.  I can do no more.  But I can feel at peace about the level of effort I have made even though it has not been successful.  With that said though you cannot continue to try and pump water from a dry well, this would be ridiculous, and the effort could be expended on trying to find a different more fertile well to pump.  Please try not to feel that it is your responsibility to make his birthday great or even memorable.

[Curiously1]

sorry my computer is acting weird. I created 3 repeats!

[Curiously1]

Another suggestion might be to journal. To write down how much birthdays mean to you, your fears/concerns for him and how you are currently feeling or anything in mind relating to your worries. Writing it out is a slower process that usually requires a lot of deeper thinking and to the root of your concerns than mindlessly typing it out in my opinion  that I find for me causes more anxiety, scattered or less thought than by hand. This might possibly help you to decide too what might be best to do. Perhaps write about what you hope/wish for him during that special day and always... too. Instead of sending it, just keeping it and him positively in your throughts and try to let go of your fears and worry. Praying or thinking positive thoughts about someone and simply wishing them well without contacting them is ok and effort itself and can be seen as an alternative way of connecting and making peace with someone. It's one way I found I felt I was still connected to my ex but in one of the most dettached ways I could and keep at moving on without her (still have not contacted her and jsut want to maintain that for myself). I agree with the others who suggested to try not to worry too much about how he is feeling. He used to be an important part of your life but he is no longer a physical part of it nor are your responsible for his emotions and with what he decides to do during his birthday or any day. But if you want, send him a text, call or card if you feel that is the right thing to do for you. Just be prepared for he reacts if you choose to reach out and accept the possible outcomes of it. Just make sure you always place your level of comfort and how you feel about doing this before concerning yourself with his feelings. It is more about you now this time and don't forget that.

[C.Stein]

L, how about trying this.

Write an email birthday "card", say all the things you really want to say but are afraid to, then send the email to yourself.  Let it sit for a week or more, then open it and assess how your emotions have changed now that the birthday has past. 

[rfriesen]

Larmoyant, your description of birthday celebrations from last year hurts to read. Those sound like traumatic experiences and it takes courage to acknowledge them as such, even if just to yourself.

It sounds like you recognise that your ex's behaviour comes from a place of tremendous pain. It's a beautiful quality of yours that you can sympathise with and care for him so deeply in spite of the pain he's inflicted. What I hear when you say you'd feel guilty for not wishing him happy birthday, is that you long for him to validate that beautiful quality of yours, or you feel that you need to wish him happy birthday in order to validate your sympathy and care in your own eyes. The thing is, that beautiful side of you is there, regardless of whether you put yourself in the line of fire again by reaching out. Is continuing the dysfunctional dance of this relationship healthy for you, or for him? Is there a healthier way you could find of validating your caring, giving nature? Does it not feel validating to direct that caring, giving nature towards yourself and those who treat you with love and care in return? If not, can you explore that fact and why you long so much for this (often, at least) abusive person to validate your good qualities?

I hope I'm not inappropriately reading too much into your words here. I just wanted to share what I hear when you say you worry about his feeling lonely and about your feeling guilty, should you not wish him happy birthday.

How can something as simple as wishing someone a happy birthday be so difficult.

Because it's not simply about wishing someone a happy birthday. Doing it or not (and whether/how he answers) symbolises a lot of different things, no doubt -- e.g. whether you're ready to move on, what kind of connection is still in place, how far you're willing to put yourself back out there, etc etc.

But, then again, how can I overlook the note I found, his sadness, leaving me his dog, and how can I overlook his very real pain of thinking that no one cares for him?

Maybe it would be helpful to reframe this question as, "what makes it so hard for me to overlook these things, when I know it is the healthiest thing in the long run?"

[Larmoyant]

 I heard from him today. This is his verbatim txt, no salutation, no explanation:

":)o you miss him?", "Not really, when I was waiting for the man to do the laundry, I did, because he'd have done that". Lol. I nearly made a massive mistake."

I have no idea what he means, but it doesn't sound very nice. He's quoting something I think and it's my guess he's substituted 'he' for 'she'. Just doesn't sound like something a woman would say.

It appears to me that he is saying that he almost made a mistake and has escaped the consequences? He'd asked me to marry him a few weeks before I ended it.

I don't really understand. It just doesn't feel right.

I just feel very sad. Here I am stressing about his birthday. Worrying about him, not wanting him to think he isn't cared for and now this.

rfriesen, you really touched on something that is important to me and nailed it on the head, and I'd like to respond later, but right now I just feel very sad.

[patientandclear]

He seems to have chronically and profoundly distorted thinking. To state the obvious.

Based on the pronoun I wonder if the speaker is intended to be you, not missing him etc?

[Larmoyant]

PC, I've just posted something new asking for help. I'm at a complete loss. What does this mean? I wish I'd never met him I'm so trauma bonded. I just want to let go, but can't.

[C.Stein]

I just want to let go, but can't.

Why do you think you can't?  What exactly are you holding onto here?

[Larmoyant]

C. Stein, I don't know. I feel trapped. I know I've been trying to right the wrongs of the past with regards my foo issues, but I'm so in deep with this person. So emotionally enmeshed it's scary.

[C.Stein]

Maybe if you can find the reason you are holding on you can finally let it go?

[Larmoyant]

His text yesterday and my resulting anxiety hasn't really altered my struggle with his birthday and I'm still in a dilemma, although I've had a reminder of my feelings of helplessness around him and it serves as a warning. Still, he has both sides to his character and I'm not able to focus on only the 'bad' side which might help me decide. He hurts and, although I can't make it better for him by sending him a birthday message I also can't ignore what I've seen. His struggle especially around this time.  

What I hear when you say you'd feel guilty for not wishing him happy birthday, is that you long for him to validate that beautiful quality of yours, or you feel that you need to wish him happy birthday in order to validate your sympathy and care in your own eyes.

rfriesen, I think you've touched on something really important to me here. That's why I wrote that there is a selfish quality to this. It isn't only about his pain and sadness, it's about me being true to myself as a person who does care about him. He used to attack my character, the nurturing qualities I have, calling me fake, a pretend 'nice' person. It hurt me to my core and I started questioning myself and internalising his words. Piece by piece he cut me down until I was left wondering who I really was, unworthy, fake, weak. Then, other times, he'd tell me different and validate who I thought I was. I suppose I do want to remind 'him' of who I am and also remind 'me' of who I am. If that makes any sense? Seriously, I sound deranged even to myself sometimes.

Having said that I'm realising more and more that I cannot control what he thinks of me. He is most likely always going to turn me black then white. Idealise me then hate me. It's the nature of the personality disorder. It's going to have to be enough for me that I know who I am and that these things about me are true.

I fear him because he is overwhelming and dangerous to me, but I also care for him and feel intense sadness for his struggle. Therefore, I think I'll send him a simple heartfelt card in the hope that he'll feel remembered/cared for, and maybe for a moment he may believe it. Maybe not. I'll also send it for me because this is who I am as a person and I do care. I can't change what he thinks of me, or how he receives the message, but I can be true to myself.

I still have a while to decide, but I think I've had some sort of breakthrough in my understanding here. Thank you all who responded. One more step in the right direction I think.