Hello, an introduction from a newbie:
I have been married to a man for 16 years, much of the time with cycles of conflict and many clear-in-hindsight red flags. I had never heard of BPD until I was googling for answers about two years ago. My husband has the core symptoms of extreme fear of abandonment, extreme emotional volatility, poor self-confidence, lack of trust, etc. He hasn't been diagnosed, but the correlation between the description and his behavior at least helps me realize that [some of] it really is him
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We have done a lot of damage to our relationship over the years, with what I feel was verbal and emotional abuse from him, and what he feels is withdrawal and "freezing him out" from me. I know I should leave, but haven't been able to do it. I certainly bring my own issues to the relationship - my father was always an alcoholic with unpredictable anger and criticism, so I walked on eggshells around him my whole youth. After a blissful eggshell-free period from college until a few years into my marriage in my mid-30's, I'm back there and am awfully tired of living in constant fear of explosions for who knows what reason. He went through a severe depression after we had our son (now 9), and was horrible for several years. It ranged between bad and worse, and after repeated events that I felt were verbally and emotionally abusive, I grew to hate him.
He pulled out of the depression on his own, which is impressive, and there are lots of great things about him - not least that our son loves him. I don't, however, and feel so tremendously guilty about that. (And then I have meta-guilt about feeling guilty, because I shouldn't feel guilty, and then... .well, it's turtles all the way down.) But I don't have the trust and confidence in him, and respect and admiration for him, that I think are necessary for me to love the way I want (or he wants). What I've got is guilt and obligation. And what I really don't have is any desire for intimacy with him, which is a huge problem from his perspective.
So it's obvious to me that I should leave, for all three of us. Happiness, good relationship modeling, stress-free (or reduced) home life, chances for more compatible romantic partners, and all that. I've gotten to that point several times... .or rather, I've been at that point continuously for almost 7 years. But I've really gotten there, where I've made arrangements to move out, 3 or 4 times and then I just freeze and can't follow through on telling our son and disrupting his life that way. Never mind that his life is terribly disrupted already, albeit on a more "underground" level, by living in the house with eggshell floors and stressed, unhappy parents. I know this.
Objectively, I am 100% in favor of divorce when a relationship is unhappy and full of conflict. If I was listening to anyone else describe my thoughts and feelings and fears and lack of action, I'd think that person was foolish in the extreme (oh wait, I do think that... .my own self-esteem is taking a beating, too). I just haven't been able to do it, and I hate myself for that. I am a very capable, highly educated, intelligent person and I work in a profession requiring complex analysis, decision-making, and conflict resolution. Yet I can't do this in my own life? Ick.
So I have (I think) accepted the fact that he's not going to change. I'm struggling with the fact that I'm not going to change, although I feel at the same time that I should (be the emotional leader, etc.) and that, darn it, I don't want to have to do that; also, I feel very guilty for either or both of those. And yet... .we have this life we built, a child, a house with gardens and fruit trees I planted (his grandfather built the house and his mom grew up in it, so if we separate I'd move out and it will stay with him), and we share the same love of travel. But then, we always argue when we travel.
Part of my problem is that I fear my husband will not be able to be a good father if we separate. I fear, based on experience, that he will make poor choices about his health, he will be impatient and critical and angry, he will be a terrible model for our son. (The other day, in describing to our son how much he loved him, he said "I'd slit my wrists for you! I'd put a bullet in my brain for you!". Yikes, how neurotic do you want your son to grow up to be? My husband was upset because he and I had been talking again about separating, and he has terrible judgment when he's upset.) I guess I feel like I can keep him OK enough to be a mostly good father if I stay, and I'll be here to mitigate the damage when he slips up (my son was so relieved when I talked to him after the wrists-and-bullet soliloquy the other day, and said that was a very heavy thing and it was about Dad, not him). But if I leave... .then I'd feel like I'm abandoning my son (my own issues duly noted), and I'd worry about what he was getting from his dad. And if I pressed for more time with me, then I'd feel like I was taking them away from each other.
And on a couple of occasions my husband has a totally rational, sensitive moment when he says he understands that I just don't believe it can work and separating is in all our best interests, and that's OK, and he'll work with me to make it OK for our son and provide stability and support... .and I just instantly get suckered into that (because I WANT someone like that) and think "well, if he's like that, I don't need to leave!". Because the vision of how we both want it to be is so clear, and so close... .and yet I think the gap between reality and what we want is bottomless, and we could pour our energy into filling it for the rest of our lives and not make a dent. And I'm tired.
I feel like I need to make a decision NOW (as in, by this Saturday). Because this is ridiculous. Because I've rented a house to move into, and my husband knows it, and neither of us can move on toward trying to make it work while I have a rental house. (But housing is AWFUL in the town where I live, and I am terrified to give up a nice rental near my son's school and friends' houses when I might still need it.) Because this has already eaten up so much of my life. And I've been exactly here SO many times... .and on those occasions I've decided to stay, and I've sincerely tried my best... .and maybe what I've learned is that I am not going to be very different, whether that's because I can't or I don't want to be, and he certainly isn't going to be very different, and so it's just not... .going to be very different. And it's totally unsatisfactory how it is.
That was a lot of rambling venting for an introduction. I have been avidly reading many of the posts and resources on this site. I don't have any questions in particular, although I am always interested in experiences of separating from or staying with a pwBPD with children involved.
