Staying broken up or testing the waters for new hope..?

[Zinnia21]

Hi there... .

So... .I've come to the 'end' a few times over. 'The end' takes on such a different meaning with BPD relationships. And from an early stage (about a year and a half in), he set the tone with him leaving and me confused and waiting. It seems hard perhaps to shake that feeling, of loving someone who comes and goes like that. Even when I really have at times.

Ive been posting on the detaching board in recent times, after another split, but my heart remains there with him whether I like it or not, whether I see him or not!

At the moment, I have relapsed a bit. it's like I'm sitting on the fence, wondering which way to fall. Scared that I might fall away from him forever, and sad that he would let me. He never used to let me. That's hard to get used to. I think I'm testing whether that is the case, that he's 'letting' me go for good.

Just wanted to post on this board for other perspectives from people who've been in and out of this. Who've left or been left, thinking it's over, then it's not, then it IS and you can't catch up to that notion. Because maybe it's not! And this depends on both parties decisions / feelings in the end...
I'm not digging for False hope, I promise!

I'm conflicted about whether I should let it fade away into history, or whether to at least test the waters before letting that happen. To reach out, to see him. How have people gone with this themselves... .?

When I was doing so well detaching, he reached out suddenly and said he'd been to therapy and realised how good I'd actually been to him. He said I'm always in his thoughts, and was pledging this care and commitment to me in return, even though we were not together. And then he said he wanted to see me. And then he said he NEEDED to see me. But wouldn't state his intentions in seeing me of course. And then when I said he should get a little more stable first, he felt rejected and in a panic that I wouldn't see him, and sent me the "I never want to see you again" text. Only days after expressing his everlasting care / love. He's always been the one to flee, it's caused me terrible pain.

I said ok, Then I blocked him, but a few weeks later I sent him a message saying to post me a little something in the mail if he hadn't meant it, as I was really hurt by his sudden turn (as I have been many times!) but that we shouldn't have phone contact. He did, straight away. A beautiful heartfelt card. And I posted one back. And said we could write to each other sometimes. I guess I left the door open for his 'good' side to contact me. As in, the volatile side is unlikely to put that bad stuff on paper and post it on a whim!

One would think that's pretty good 'closure' for such a volatile situation. I guess I should at least be thankful it's not in a nightmarish place like it used to be, and just try again to get on with my life... .but... ! I was feeling emotional the other day and missing him, and I reached out again! I sent him a short letter saying we should meet up to talk! And then realised how far backwards it might send me to see him, and don't even know if he wants it, and so I cancelled meeting up until he indicates he wants to or is stable enough to do so. But I also said we can leave it and if he thinks it not a good move to meet up and talk, and really wants to move on forever, I told him to just not send me anything at all. I'd rather have nothing than confirmation in writing, of his feelings.
The reason for not wanting confirmation is that his feelings are changeable, I've finally learnt that at least!

I guess I'm asking advice on either reaching out or staying where I am, or letting him reach out... .and I'm asking on the improving board because I might get some different stories here.
I've left the door open for him to contact me, and if he doesn't, I'm willing to accept it.
I'm probably stuck on nostalgia and good times. Do they come back for some? The good times... ? When balanced out with the necessary therapies.

Over 3 yrs since we met, this is my make or break time in deciding to put my heart on a definite path. I have hope for the future, whatever I choose. I guess I must have my own abandonment issues too! I've been lingering on and off with this for what feels like too long now...
in my heart of hearts, I wish for him to come to me with something solid, like a positive intention to keep getting therapy etc.
but I'm thinking he will always see me as a massive trigger now anyway. I hear it's hard to change that once it takes hold of a pwBPD.

Sorry if this is out of place, perhaps it should be on the detchaing board, but I sometimes wonder how they even created separate boards with BPD! Lol! It's all so changeable and hard to grasp at times.

This writing has calmed me down though. Maybe I've come further than I realise on my path of healing and just being myself again... .

[Zinnia21]

... .I must add that I've been in this broken up phase many times. It's the first time I refused to go and see him when he sorta came back to reality again. I have been here before in many different forms.
But here I still am, in limbo and wondering. I'm not even sure how I got back here... ? I guess it was the contact, him acknowledging my love and commitment. Him getting therapy, me seeing this from a distance and still having feelings for him... .hasn't been an easy ride at all!

[icky]

awww, i really feel for you! isn't it confusing, trying to make sense of it, when sense is just about the only thing it won't make. when i can't get my head around it at all, i think "3-year-old kid". they are emotional and their emotions are changeable. and if a 3 year old kid reached out to you, offering love. and you told the 3 year old "umm, no thanks, i think you should go and get stable first". (which of course is a VERY healthy reaction!) . then i reckon that 3 year old would poke out his tongue at you saying "you're crap, i hate you". but that is expressing disappointment. i'm not sure that being in a relationship with a 3 year old is a healthy thing for any of us to be doing   : P. but if you do choose to be in the relationship, i guess it's vital to know that yup, emotions are changeable and that it's totally possible to say "i hate you" to someone you love. and that's it's also possible to say "i love you" to someone that you just need : /. you're right, there is no easy way with this. i really like your sense of humour about it - i love the comment about how did they create separate sections here for BPD relationships! hahahaha. i have posted in the "improving" "in breakup" "conflicted" and "detaching" boards all in the space of a week. : /. (they've all been moved to "conflicted" now, haha, which i guess truly is where they belong). know that you are heard here and we all get it. have compassion for yourself, for having become the SO of someone with BPD. it's one of the biggest challenges in life, i reckon, so kudos for handling it as well as you do!

[Zinnia21]

Thanks for listening hmmmmm
Yeah I've surely been through the ringer with this 3 year old man!
I've gotten used to letting him in when he wasn't stable... it's almost like I passed up the chance to let him in this one last time and now he's gone. Yet I had no other choice as it just goes along his chaotic cycle timetable!
Ive walked away and been lured in a good few times. Was willing to do the hard yards through his rough patch but he still sent me away... .

Yes you're right, self compassion for having been there with him I guess.

The worst thing about detaching is you know you gotta once you reach this stage, and sometimes I really got ahead with that.
 but if he wrote to me tomorrow, some things I wanted to hear, I'd probably be right back there hanging off his words! The disappearances and silent treatments do something to ones head, and have warped and bent all of my previously decent boundaries and sense of self!
I'm also a hopeless romantic! That doesn't help... .!

[Aboutme2011]

I have only been separated for 2 months and was married for 15.  When I read the posts of what others go through with their BPD's I tell myself I have to stand firm.  Right now he is being so amazing and the charm was sucking me back in.  I pushed back tonight and told him that he was moving in on me and I need more space and time to process everything before considering reconciliation.  He immediately went into BPD mode, splitting, anger etc.  It helped me to remember why I am trying so hard to detach.

The hold he has on me is ridiculous.  Sounds like you have something similar.  I just keep telling myself that I have come this far.  I can't go back because I may never get out again. 

I wish you clarity in making this decision.  I heard a neat saying this weekend "if you can't see clearly you shouldn't make bold decisions".  I know in my relationship all I see is FOG.  So I am currently not making a decision because I can't see clearly in any direction.  And until I do it is my intention to just stay stable and work on myself. 

Best wishes,
About

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Zinnia21, Let me ask you a question:  Why are you waiting for him to call the shots?  The ball is in your court, my friend.  Your life is your decision, not his.  What would you like to see happen?  Is that realistic?  What I'm suggesting is for you to figure out the right path for YOU.  If you are unsure, suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  Don't give your power away to him, OK?

LuckyJim