Back Again

[Depression = 72% of members]

Here's my story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299758.0

I have possible hope. I reached out to one of her friends. He's one of two of her best friends that she goes to for guidance. I told him what happened and he was shocked about it. He still hadn't heard about it. He is her oldest friend know her well. He believes my story. I'm incredibly happy that I finally have someone who might be able to help. He said she has done this before and that I should stick around. He only heard good things about me. He's going to try talking to her. He's been through her emotional turmoil and he doesn't want her to lose me. I don't have to worry about him. He is engaged and is on my side. I feel like I have a new chance. I'm going NC. I want her back and will exhaust every avenue until there is nothing left. I can give more detail later on. My whole story is in the link.

[Willis002]

Here's my story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299758.0

I have possible hope. I reached out to one of her friends. He's one of two of her best friends that she goes to for guidance. I told him what happened and he was shocked about it. He still hadn't heard about it. He is her oldest friend know her well. He believes my story. I'm incredibly happy that I finally have someone who might be able to help. He said she has done this before and that I should stick around. He only heard good things about me. He's going to try talking to her. He's been through her emotional turmoil and he doesn't want her to lose me. I don't have to worry about him. He is engaged and is on my side. I feel like I have a new chance. I'm going NC. I want her back and will exhaust every avenue until there is nothing left. I can give more detail later on. My whole story is in the link.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hollow]

Hello, I've been following your thread From Perfect to Nothing closely. Have you read this?

[Willis002]

I just read your link and it does make sense. I love this woman. I know whats at stake and I need to also work on myself. I know the difficulties ahead. I have one of her best friends who's known her longer than anyone on my side a believes me. He doesn't want her to lose me. I'm waiting for him to text her and for him to have a conversation with her in person. He says he's gotten through with her in the past and that he understands my situation. I wouldn't still be in this situation if I didn't think we could have a future. I'm taking a gamble but I don't live with regrets. People with BPD deserve love too!

[C.Stein]

I know whats at stake.

What is at stake?

[Willis002]

That this can/could be a very bumpy road. I've come to terms with this... .

[Willis002]

Her best friend is going to talk to her. I'm waiting right now. My nerves have been so bad that I'm getting stomach aches and getting nausea. I told him about I told her that I would be her fault if I hurt myself (I'm aware that, that was wrongt. Getting help). He said that this is her greatest fear. Remember she didn't break up with because of that. I said that after she broke up with me. He's said he's got her to come back to earth and become more rational. He said it might be tough since I said those words. If I didn't say those words my odd would be a lot better. I now wait for them to talk about me. I hope that he can trigger her to think positively about me. He said he only heard positive things. He said he can at least get me closure and possibly get her to talk to me. Wish me luck! I want her back... .

[flourdust]

He's said he's got her to come back to earth and become more rational.

Do you think you could stand to become more rational about this?

[Willis002]

Elaborate please?

[flourdust]

Elaborate please?

It seems that you are clinging to any straw you can in the hope of "getting back" with a person who has severe BPD. Have you given any serious thought to how reasonable this is? What about if you succeed, and you end up back in a relationship with a person with an uncontrolled mental illness that destroys people close to her? What will that be like? Until you seriously engage with these questions, you are just living in a fantasy world.

[Willis002]

I'm leaning back and forth on what I want to do. The fact she should leave me like I was nothing has been devastating. I want to move on with my life but I don't. I'm going to just not worry about it anymore and see what happens. Seems like in a lot of these cases they try and enter your life at some point when they're lacking attention. Hopefully I'll be strong enough to make a quality decision for myself.

[C.Stein]

The fact she should leave me like I was nothing has been devastating.

This is important Willis.  Even if you are to reconcile she has already told you this will happen again and again.  This is a sad reality and one I don't think you have fully accepted.  Keep this forefront in your mind as you move forward from here.

[Willis002]

I know nothing is 100% but if I can get her to agree to get help and receive the right treatment can there ever be a chance this could work. I mean if she wanted to get back with bad enough and agreed to start helping herself could things get better. I'm going with if things were to go smoothly and obviously that is unlikely.

Interesting enough someone messaged her yesterday and she thought it was me. She contacted my mother and asked if it was me. My mother told her it was me. She also told my ex that I'm really concerned about her. My ex replied and said okay. So the fact that she still has my moms number and contacted her to me is a sign that she might try and make communication at a later time. I'm happy she knows I still care about her. I hope she can remember that. I honestly think all this happened because I now know that she has BPD. My gut feeling is at some point communication will be made at some point. I'm not counting on it but I'm making an observation. At this point and time I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm trying to get stronger and take care of myself. It for me but also I need to be strong if she reenters my life in some shape or form

[C.Stein]

I know nothing is 100% but if I can get her to agree to get help and receive the right treatment can there ever be a chance this could work. I mean if she wanted to get back with bad enough and agreed to start helping herself could things get better.

Did you consider the possibility that all this has nothing to do with you knowing she has BPD but rather it is about her inability and/or unwillingness to face/deal with it?  Certainly the latter seems more likely than the former given what she has told you.

I'm trying to get stronger and take care of myself. It for me but also I need to be strong if she reenters my life in some shape or form

What are you doing with respect to this?  Be specific please.   

[flourdust]

I know nothing is 100% but if I can get her to agree to get help and receive the right treatment can there ever be a chance this could work. I mean if she wanted to get back with bad enough and agreed to start helping herself could things get better. I'm going with if things were to go smoothly and obviously that is unlikely.

This is that "clinging to any straw you can" I mentioned in my last post.

[SoMadSoSad]

The part i dont get Willis is that your ex is running away from you or to put it bluntly she has asked that you not reach out to her or she will file a RO. Now you want her to reach out so you can give her an ultimatum which is get help or we cant be together. You guys are on two totally different pages. She doesnt want to talk to you for whatever her reasons are and you want to be with her but only if she gets help. By chance are you wanting to control her?

[Willis002]

No not at all. I'm just saying if she comes back into myself she needs to get help. Signs are pointing she will try contact me some future points. I'm going to get professional help for my own issues to make myself stronger. Yes we are totally different ends of the spectrum but I'm saying if she comes back is what I'm saying

[Willis002]

I will be moving to the next thread but I would like to get your guys' thoughts. My ex and I have no chance of ever getting back together. I had her friend talk to her and here are the things she said:

Bad news is it seems like she's pretty set on not taking you back... good news is that "once the dust settles" as she put it, she's gonna talk to you and give you some closure on the whole deal.

She has a few reasons... It looks like a lot of which are related to maturity problems...

She told me she tried to end it a couple times in the past and then she just reached threshold and cracked.

"I am not changing my mind, just getting more and more scared of him.
He didn't treat me like a person. He treated me like an object; an obsession; and addiction. The fact that all this time has passed, and he still won't go away, is SCARY.
I don't want him, I don't want his concerns, I don't want his love. I want him to disappear from my life. To let me go so I can be happy and no longer feel suffocated by his behavior."

"The letters were such a huge mistake, I wrote the letters as last ditch effort to make things work, despite how many concerns I was having. Then B, N and A. My closest friends beside you. All told me what they thought of him, and confirmed my worst fears. I had been telling myself for weeks that he had all these behaviors I didn't like, but that I was being judgmental and rude. But when my friends told me, when my dad told me, and A told me... .that they all didn't like him... .I couldn't do it anymore. I knew I had to end it. The timing was bad, But it was clear it needed to be done. I could be with someone when all of the most important people in my life thought they were bad news. Ya know? He annoyed B, A thought he was scary, my parents thought he was an idiot. It was just not good all around."

Based on everything I know she is lying about 95% of the things she is saying. Her mom never liked me. Her friend B asked me if I had any single friends. Like she was asking because my ex and I were doing good together. A liked me and said she was happy that my ex found some good. Btw she avoided the question about the letters. The letter were basically telling me to not give up on her and talked about a future together. That last ditch effort stuff is nonsense.

Can you guys give me your perspective. I'm done with the relationship but I just want to see what you guys read into her comments.

[ArleighBurke]

If she has BPD then her words don't matter. Essentially she is saying whatever comes to mind based on her current feelings. Next week her feelings may be different and she'll say completely different things.

There will be no answers. You will probably never know the "truth". Hard to accept  I know - but you need to accept that it was probably 99% about her and 1% about you.

Try to let it go.

[C.Stein]

Willis,

She clearly has some issues and her issues are hers to deal with.  That however does not remove you from being accountable for your own actions and mistakes made.  As hard as it might be for you to hear, I see some truth in the things she said.  You will gain nothing from this experience if you don't look at your own contributions to the failed relationship and learn something from them.

[Meili]

I agree with C.Stein.

There are a few things that you've posted that seem to correspond with the way she feels.

[Willis002]

What truths. Please explain. I want to make myself better. Just want to see what you guys come up with. I'm know I'm not perfect and I know some of my actions after the break up were impulsive. I know I was during the relationship and how I became different after she broke up with me. I'll take all accountability but I want to see what you guys come up with.

I was obsessive after the break up because it made no sense. I couldn't stop myself from trying to fix things. I wasn't obsessive during the relationship. I mean sometime I talked about sex too much for example but over time I got better and corrected things. I did this through out the relationship. She would tell me something she didn't like that I did and I tried to correct it. She even told me she noticed I was make efforts.

[C.Stein]

It is very difficult to look at ourselves objectively.  Are you looking at yourself and your part in the relationship objectively here?

[Willis002]

I'm really trying to! I know how I treated her. I treated her very well. It's the fact it was such a sudden break up that makes it hard for me figure out what I did. I know it mostly her. I honestly don't know what my side of the relationship did wrong besides the things I was continuesly working and she knew this

[TheRose]

Just like most people on these boards you are most likely codependent. And if you are, you made the relationship to be all about her. Sometimes that's enough to make a relationship (especially with someone who has BPD) fall apart.

[Meili]

Can you look at the comments from the members to you in this thread and compare them to the comments that you posted that she said and see any similarities?

[patientandclear]

Just like most people on these boards you are most likely codependent. And if you are, you made the relationship to be all about her. Sometimes that's enough to make a relationship (especially with someone who has BPD) fall apart.

Hmm. I don't know about that. From years of reading here and critical examination of my own BPD r/ship, it seems to me that, at a level of gross generalization, co-dependency keeps such r/ships going (not saying healthy, but going), and lack thereof causes them to fall apart. Certainly that was true for me--we did best while I ultra-prioritized my ex's needs and reactions. When I became a more full partner with needs I was able and willing to express even when he really resented that etc., things fell apart.

[Willis002]

I'm going to work on my co-dependency... .But... .

I'm leaving the boards. Might come back if I ever change my mind on her and she enters my life, but I have no plans to ever do that. I believe I need to stop giving her any power. I don't want to give any energy towards her. I have beliefs in energy. Less I put towards her the less she receives from me. She can feel nothing from me now. I'm getting off her grid. If I'm happy and enjoy my life I'm winning at life

Good Luck Everyone!

[patientandclear]

Actually, that is Exhibit 1 that you may not have an issue with co-dependency. Good luck, Willis.

[Willis002]

You don't think I'm co-dependent? I hope thats true. Maybe one less thing I need to work on.

[Willis002]

I have spent numerous weeks debating what I want to do. I've decide I do want her back if she comes back. I've had time to rehash everything. My ex did do something for me before everything went down. She knows herself very well. She warned me that this might happen and it would take time for things to cool down. She had the frame of mind to write me letters to help me during times like this. So I'm going to leave a place in my heart for her, but also continue to live my life and get myself better.

A thought I had yesterday was what would my ex's true self think of what her false self is doing to me. Her true self would horrified about how her false self has been treating me. I feel like since she has high awareness of her disorder and once her episode has come down to a certain point she will see what has really happened. I believe she will come back at some point. So far her letters and words have followed through.

I now know my reaching my reaching out for a month plus has made things worse and her engulfment fears are high. I now know that I have to do the hardest thing and just leave her alone and let her stabilize and feel abandoned. It makes me sick to think she will have to date some and be with someone to possibly realize that she made a mistake with me. I've done a lot of deliberating and understand the challenges that are ahead if things begin to work out for us.