SELF ASSESSMENT | What has been your Sexual style

[Skip]

This is an anonymous poll requesting deep reflection and brutal honesty about your sexual past -  not your partner's. No one description will totally fit any of us - the goal is to pick the one that most describes you from the list. Be thoughtful in your selection, first impressions on this question are likely not to be representative - so think it through. This is not about what you think your style should be, but on a deeply reptilian brain basis, what it is.

According to Schnarch, the overall character of our sexual interactions is determined much more by our upbringing and personal development than by how we feel about our partner at any given moment. The tone of our interactions may vary from event to event, but our deep rooted core desires tend to be stable throughout our life.

Which best describes your sexual style in past relationships. In the discussion, how has it evolved over time?

• Giver Making someone else happy in bed, makes me happy. As a giver, I place a greater importance on my partner in their own right – I want to give them pleasure and the ability to do that and seeing its effect on my partner makes me feel good. I may even occasionally find myself doing things that, in themselves, do not feel good or “right” to me, but my partner’s evident pleasure is worth it. 7430

• Sado My arousal and satisfaction depends upon achieving specific desired responses from my partner. Generally this involves me being in control or domineering and may even include thoughts or fantasies of eliciting pain or some fear in my partner. 0124

• Truster - Trust, more than anything, enhances my sexual relationship. I seek to be intimate intellectually (no secrets), emotionally (no pretense or masks) and then physically.  My sense of satisfaction and confidence– sexually and otherwise – is independent of sexual expression and not affected during sexless periods. I see my partners satisfaction as important as one’s own. 0500

• Purist As a purist, I am primarily focused on having great satisfying sex for both parties. Significant emotional investment is not always necessary for great satisfying sex. I may also indulge in self satisfaction in-between partner encounters and seek ever higher levels of arousal. 2235

• Stud or Goddess I feel fulfillment in my attractiveness and sexual desirability and the willingness of others to share themselves intimately with me. In arousing partners and satisfying them, I feel a sense of pride and good about myself. New sexual relationships or relationships with certain people (my aerobics instructor, my friends sibling, etc.) can be very arousing. 1345

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[Reforming]

Hi Skip,

It's an interesting questionnaire. I found it hard to place myself exactly. I tried but think I struggled a bit with being brutally honest about myself. 

It's definitely got me thinking

Reforming

[fromheeltoheal]

Well now this is interesting.  Historically I've been a Giver, more so when I was younger, and it was clearly a component of seeking external validation.  With my borderline ex I wanted to be a Truster, which I am capable of and consider it a higher, more evolved level than a Giver, which ties in with an increased ability to self-validate and be emotionally present.  And we're not talking about our exes here, so I won't except to say mine was anything but a Truster, which is at the core of why it didn't work.

[Skip]

Here is a composite profile of how members are responding to the survey.


Click to enlarge

[joeramabeme]

My father told his 3 boys - me being the youngest and getting the earliest aged exposure - that there is no need to buy the cow if you can get the milk for free.  I also heard a lot of comments about men's sexual prowess, for example, jokes about whores who would only go with a guy whose genitalia reached to his belly button and many other similar comments.  These were routine dinner table conversations with Mom and 3 sisters present.  Everyone laughed and chuckled.  The banter brought an air of legitimacy to all of it even as I wondered how Mom and Sisters felt about being compared to a milked cow.

All of this served to put enormous pressure on me as a young man and even through later adulthood to perform and be an Adonis.  Strangely, my fathers voice was always in the bedroom with me; am I measuring up?  :)id I get free milk?  Am I good enough.  Am I a "real man".  Enjoying sex was almost secondary to being sure that I met the voice-in-my-head standard.  It never dawned on me until much later that my partners were not necessarily judging my suitability from the standards for a stud.

Ironically and sadly, my father would have never measured up to his own preconceived notions.  In adulthood I often wondered why he gave me such a crappy message; I think his insecurity drove his words.  He married early in life and as far as I know and believe, was faithful in what ultimately ended up being a long term sexless marriage.

What a mess it caused me for so many years.  So yes, Sexual interactions being determined more by our upbringing is true for me.

All of this nonsense ended by creating a Trust bond with my ex that helped me eliminate those negative messages.  Now that I am back to being a single guy again, I am working hard to maintain the Trust style because it represents the person I truly am on the inside and am most comfortable being.

FWIW, I met women who both were in agreement and disagreement with the pretense of my childhood messaging.  

[valet]

Definitely have always historically been in the giver role. I idealize the Truster (I would like myself to be centered around this 'position'  ), but when I look at things from further away those kinds of interactions have been few and far between.

Good thread. It's definitely a powerful way to analyze past/present relationship dynamics and how we approach others in an intimate context—as a pretty firm extension of our inner selves.

[Panda39]

Was a "Giver", now a "Truster" with a little tiny bit of "Sado" thrown in. 

Panda39

[VitaminC]

Brutal honesty. Brutal categories.

Key line for me:

"This is not about what you think your style should be, but on a deeply reptilian brain basis, what it is."

and this: "the goal is to pick the one that most describes you from the list."

So, on that basis, I was able to make a selection. Deeper reflection on why and how this played out in relationships and life in general is definitely something I want to do.

[troisette]

  Interesting post joeramabeme.

A couple of days ago, before seeing this, I had a sudden memory of a comment made by ex on more than one occasion.

"My father always said why give a mouse cheese once you've caught it?" Ex found it humorous and repeated it, selectively, to like minded friends. Not to pc friends.

I'd been thinking about that and wondering why I didn't clue up at the time.

Perhaps my mother's advice to her daughters:

"Any man is better than no man."

Childhood conditioning for both ex and me?

[Sadly]

This one is hard for me. Having been abused by my grandfather from the age of 8 to 10 in later years I had no sexual identity at all. I think I went through the motions because you were supposed to and had physical reactions, who doesn't but I wasn't bothered either way. I did in my teenage years go through a spell of anyone cos they didn't matter much and anyway it felt like a way to be loved. It wasn't. As I got older and came to terms with what that vile man had done to me everything changed. I learnt to value myself and my body. Honesty and fidelity became a key part of my being and that has never wavered. Even then though I don't think I had a sexual identity. Then I met my BPD ex. The sad thing is for the very first time in my life I had a sexual identity, I became a Truster. It made a massive but sadly short lived milestone, I think that's one of the reasons I was overwhelmed with disbelief and grief. I don't trust anyone and I don't trust me and quite honestly wouldn't care if I never had sex again. So my answers would be
A. none
B. Truster
and C if there was one
None

[once removed]

my ex was my first real sexual relationship as i was a virgin by choice. combining my inexperience with the complexities of a BPD relationship, its hard to identify a pattern over time.

i most strongly relate to Giver and Purist.

[C.Stein]

In past relationships I can say I was mostly a giver, certainly more than 50%.

For the relationship that brought me here I was giver initially but quickly became mostly a truster.  I recognized I wanted something more and strove to achieve that.  It also explains why when my ex compromised my trust and emotional security the physical relationship was negatively impacted, for me at least.

[jrharvey]

Ive always been a giver. If I am being honest it probably has everything to do with increasing their desire for me and therefor making them latch on or attach to me. In my current relationship what surprised me is we are both heavy givers. BPD or not we both give back to each other bigger and better. Its the first time I have felt fulfilled in a relationship.

[kc sunshine]

My ex helped me move from a giver to a truster "in the sheets." I'm grateful to her for that.

[DreamGirl]

I was a Goddess in past relationships --- lots of abandonment issues and I'm a recovering Validation Junkie. 

Now I really feel like I'm "Truster" with the husband. Even with our fair share of issues. I really learned a lot in [marriage] counseling about what sustains intimacy in a marriage. I still regress though when he turns me down.   

[formflier]

Briefly about me and my relationship.  Married almost 22 years now.  Psychologist has described my wife as "hyper-sexual".    She seems to fit "sexual trance".  I'm likely somewhere in "other-validated" and "partner engagement". 

Reference for some of the terms I used.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299659

FF

[drained1996]

In my previous relationships I was definitely a giver, always looking to please.  I realize in my r/s that brought me here, I was a truster with a bit of purist in the mix.  My exBPD was hyper sexual, and my trust with her allowed me to express myself in ways that previous lovers boundaries did not.  In retrospect this happened because of her mirroring what she saw I enjoyed, but while in the r/s I interpreted it as her being a truster... .funny how perspectives change when the FOG lifts. 
That being said, I realize how our lack of boundaries when it came to sex was built on an unhealthy foundation and wasn't trusting on her part at all.  The euphoric high she felt during and after sex was simply a temporary mask for everything.  Damn it was good though... .

[CrazyChuck]

I was a "stud"

I really thought I was the best lover ever. I would brag about how fantastic I was in bed. I was somewhat a jerk.

Now a "giver"

Right before we got married she told me she has had much bigger than me. She started putting me down in the size department. She made lots of comments about me just being average. Most of this was during times of her dysregulation. Sometimes she said it as a joke. But I didn't know about BPD back then. I really got depressed about it. I still hate to see my penis in the mirror. My mind races to thoughts of shame and insecurity every time I pee. Sex can often trigger my wife. So I have become a "giver" and I walk on eggshells during sex. Sex can be an easy trigger for her. I wasn't romantic enough, I didn't turn off the light, I turned off the light because of something negative, I moved to fast, I didn't kiss her before she tried to kiss me, I'm not excited enough. Etc.

[RomanticFool]

This is too general for me for all sorts of reasons. Depending on which r/s we are talking about, some days I'm a giver, some days a truster, some days a stud some days a purist. I found I could fit into most of those categories on any given day. I also think as men get older that things become trickier between the sheets and so one's style adapts to that... .

[spacecadet]

These categories are a little too tidy, it changes day to day and one person to another. Overall maybe a purist, just sex for its own sake and don't like it too cheesy or romantic. I got feedback I enjoyed it too much which gave rise to a lot of jealousy in past r/s, like we burned too hot, so I took a step back and have been celibate for 8-9 years to gain more perspective and restraint, and wait for someone really special that I thought would last. Instead of jumping into a new thing without knowing the man fairly well. I have to say men usually drop like flies if I need them to wait a few months. So I've been mostly alone. But also avoided more serious heartbreak from getting all hopped up only to find out we were not compatible.

Ex BP and I did not get to this point so... .can't say what it would have been like. He had a very gentle approach which was great, but also I wanted to see what he was like loosened up. He was willing to wait (at least until he wasn't) which I appreciated him for. Looks like it'll be someone else though. Hopefully won't take another year and dozens of dates  sad