The Role of Sex in Dysfunctional Relationships

Some dysfunctional relationships have highly enmeshing sexual connections.

This workshop explores the various uses of sex as a coping mechanism and how that may have influenced the sexual relationship we co-created with a person with BPD traits.

For example, some people use sexual seduction to attract and please others and to compensate for shortcomings they may feel in themselves. Another example is that some people equate sexual conquest with having self worth and being loved and admired. Both are coping mechanisms and it's not hard to see how two individuals like this coming together can be both rewarded and devastated by the physical relationship and have distorted perceptions about the relationship and love.

As reference, we encourage participants to read a review here.

Workshop questions

Please base your comments on those made by others in this workshop and on either the referenced reading or other reading you may have done yourself.

Please DO NOT discuss your own sexual relationship in detail - that is a better topic for a personal thread on your relationship.

Some questions we would like to consider:

• What is the difference between healthy sexual motivations and unhealthy sexual motivations?
• What are some common dysfunctions that drive sexual relationships into unhealthy areas?
• What are tell tale signs of our own unhealthy sexual motivations?

Sex Too Soon

Since we were kids and were given reasons like:

• you’ll look slutty
• they’ll lose respect for you
• Because the chase is over and they lost interest
• Because it’s like eating dessert before dinner

And, of course, the cow metaphor which I never understood... .been drinking milk my whole life and never owned a cow. I've really messed up, I suppose.

I think a more significant reason not to have sex too early is that sex is a biolpgical (physiological) bonding process (oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine and norepinephrine pathways)... .many of us will start biologically bonding to the person we are sleeping with and that could mean entering into a relationship largely based on initial impressions/attraction and biological bonding... .this can connect us to unhealthy people before we discover that they are unhealthy.

I noticed over the years that many of the relationships discussed here were conceived when members were in a wounded state (e.g., just divorced, lost a job, etc.) and the relationships were very sexual, very fast - the sex became a healing salve for an emotional or ego wound.

What is the difference between healthy sexual motivations and unhealthy sexual motivations?

Possible reasons a person has sex, that I can think of... .

• To feel connected, alleviate loneliness
• To escape
• To please and be accepted
• To earn, gain, receive
• To attempt to regulate emotional state of either self or partner
• To make a statement, prove a point, punish
• To share expressions of any variety of feelings
• more... .?

My thoughts are that sex feels healthiest/best to me when it is mainly a method of sharing/expressing something that already exists, and that both parties are present and able to "hear" the intentions the other is communicating with their actions.

There are lots of times I have sex and it is about the "Sexual Trance" feel for myself, or the other person, but not so much a shared experience happening. The Sexual Trance info makes me wonder a bit about motivations... .
(It will be interesting to hear other thoughts about trance vs engagement.  I'm still pondering.)

I worry when sex is used a a vehicle to attain, make something happen, either for an individual or for the persons involved.  (Better to stay away from thoughts of what one may expect it to result in... .ie: devotion, loyalty, satisfaction of loneliness, self esteem etc.)

I find it safest when sex is thought of as something to be enjoyed for it's own sake.  (No matter if it is Trance Sex or a sharing of something deeper) Then if there is additional shared meaning and shared connection, well, that is even better.

That is interesting! People might consciously say they want to try FWB. However subconsciously their values are quite sticky. There's not much change between Prior vs Last relationship. When it comes down to it we behave consistently with our past values.

If we look, there are patterns that run through our relationships. The one with our BPDs might have been the one that crystallized some of those patterns and we are, possibly, therefore in a better position to observe them with a bit more objectivity and curiosity.

For those of us that discovered something less than healthy in the way that the sexual dynamic played out (and this is by no means everyone here, I am sure), this is an opportunity to dig around a little bit.
  

So, yes, formflier, all these questions are for us, whether we choose the label "nons" for ourselves, or not.


One question that might be asked is, in what way is it soothing then? Clearly, it can be a release of tension - in a similar way to going to the gym or indulging in any physical exercise that also requires a degree of concentration, thus giving our minds a break.

But they are not the same thing, as most of us would agree, I think. We don't have to accept Schnarch's full framework and see Spritiual Union as the epitome of sexuality to think that sex is, for many of us, more complex than a good workout. The results of our Poll suggest that, as I am interpreting it.

In what way are we being soothed by physical intimacy, especially when the emotional intimacy may be lacking in the relationship?


In this way we might become convinced that a strong sexual chemistry is indicative of a deeper connection. The above is true for me.


I would agree with you, BowlOfPetunias, as would Schnarch, on both of your points. I am thinking about the ways I myself might have used sex to either avoid or simulate intimacy in my own relationship. Whatever about my BPD, I did this too.

My therapist told me that there is a 'love' chemical in the brain for a woman that is released after she has sex with the same man 5 times.  That studies have shown 5 times to be the thing to trigger feelings of love.  So, women should therefore be careful having sex just for fun with the wrong man. 

If it's true, according to another workshop I was on, that most BPD's partners are not capable of emotional intimacy (if I run across it I'll link to it here) and that physical intimacy becomes a replacement for the real deal - then of course we grieve losing the sex.  For us it is the only way we know to connect with others.  So it makes sense we place such a high value on it. 

In my own case I started out by asking just 3 questions:

* Why I was so much more responsive to and excited about my BPD partner than any other I'd had previously  (with all of whom I had healthy and mutually respectful relationships)
* Why it added to the frisson to torment myself with thoughts of the woman with whom my BPDex cheated on me (why did I deliberately hurt myself with these thoughts? did I really think so little of myself that I wanted to punish myself in this way?)
* Why the sense of psychological danger I felt myself to be in also added to the frisson

My own unhealthy motivations included:
*being prepared to sacrifice emotional honesty and genuine intimacy for the feeling of being adored and singularly important to my partner (Goddess/Narcissist here)

My own Dysfunctions:
* initially ignoring and then losing sight of the difference between intensity and intimacy
* imagining that both my BPD partner and I were inhabiting the same psychological space when we were intimate (I'm specifically referencing Schnarch's "Truly Connected" - in our Poll, this would be closest to the "Truster" - this is an overactive imagination, perhaps, a willful wishfulness on my part
* some kind of self-hatred that led to a self-punitive drive that became part of my sexual landscape for a while. I was really shocked by this realisation, when I had it.

Tell-Tale Signs of my own unhealthy sexual motivations:
* allowing the gradual separation of sexual intimacy from other parts of our relationship - our communication in every area worsened, but our physical attraction kept on.

I think that is probably oxytocin - except that it is released in both genders and every time a person orgasms. It is also stimulates labor contractions and is pretty powerful stuff.

Telltale signs for me also include sexuality occupying a greater portion of my mental space during the day - I know something is off then. It's almost like an obsession in that even when it was harming me emotionally and spiritually, I could not stop. There were several different reasons for that. Eventually, as I became stronger and healthier, I was able to draw a healthy boundary and stopped. I couldn't continue without an emotional connection that was positive.

I think the sexual aspect reflect the dynamics of the other aspects of our relationship with a person in some way.

I should probably say that sex was not the original basis for my relationship with my husband due to our personal religious beliefs. It was only after our marriage when things happened sexually, but it did become dysfunctional.

Focusing "too much" on sex at the beginning of a relationship presents a major challenge. There's a reason we talk of "falling" in love -- that thrill and excitement of surrendering to longing and passion, and of feeling our lover surrender with us. If the connection is powerful and feels great at first, it's awfully hard to stop ourselves at that point and say to ourselves, "wait a minute, we should dial this passion down." That's why, if we've been through the experience of falling too hard too fast, followed by a painful detaching processing, it's important to reflect on it all before we fall for someone again.

Near the end of our relationship, my ex would often say, "it all came so easily at first. We always did everything right physically." Even at the end, I loved hearing that, which tells me I had an unhealthy desire for that kind of validation. So here are some thoughts on other signs of dysfunction and unhealthy motivations:

*Feeling that sexual performance and the intensity of the sexual connection will determine the worth/desirability of the romantic relationship

*Feeling that sexual performance and the intensity of the sexual connection will reflect profoundly on my own worth and desirability

As with most things in life, the challenge here seems to lie in reaching a healthy sense of proportion. It's not unhealthy to see sexual connection as an important part of a romantic relationship. But if we elevate to a place of obsession or prime importance, that is likely a sign of dysfunction in the relationship.

Sexless relationships often lead to a relationship dysfunction cascade if not resolved in some way. Certainly, this is not always the case and there are many successful sexless relationships.

The dysfunction cascade looks something like:

Phase 1 It becomes clear that a sexless relationship is evolving. The one partner wants to know why it happens and to repair it. The couple talk about it and try to find ways to rekindle.
    
Phase 2 Nothing changes, significantly . There is more sexless living, one mate being completely fine with it, while the other is struggling. This goes and goes until the frustrated mate can no longer tolerate it or realizes life is too short to live this way.
    
Phase 3 The frustrated mate starts building a wall to protect their vulnerability. They often retaliate, and starts living as a roommate, brother and sister, family style. The relationship breaks down. The frustrated partner becomes weak, starts being anything and everything just to have some sexual contact, giving but not getting back. Alternate sexual outlets are pursued - porn, prostitution, affairs.

Sexlessness can bury a relationship.

Resolving a sexless relationship is about identifying and resolving the problem facing the disinterested partner or the relationship. It could be us (not loving, selfish lover, not taking care of ourselves, abusiveness), it could be them (physical issues, emotional issues, shame, etc.), it could be the relationship (lack of caring, connecting), or is could be combinations of it all.

Sometimes it can't be solved. Some couples can still love. I can think of situations of physical problems, but it can extend to any problem. Sometimes its just a bellwether of the failing of the relationship.

Which of these ring true for us?

This is not to suggest that we can all diagnose and label ourselves as "Sex Addicts", but that if we can consider many of these behaviours and drives on a spectrum, we might find that we have relied on sex to fill emotional needs that might have been more healthily met in other ways.

There are biological / physical needs, certainly. There are also, as we all know well, many other (often unconscious) drives. It can become a problem if we are not aware of the underlying psychological drives and confuse the physical needs with the emotional ones. What do people think?  


Signs of Love or Sex Addiction

Constantly seeking a sexual partner, new romance or significant other

• An inability or difficulty in being alone
• Consistently choosing partners who are abusive or emotionally unavailable
• Using sex, seduction and intrigue to "hook" or hold onto a partner
• Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions
• Missing out on important family, career or social experiences in order to maintain a sexual high or romantic relationship
• When in a relationship, being detached or unhappy, when out of a relationship, feeling desperate and alone
• Avoiding sex or relationships for long periods of time to "solve the problem".
• An inability to leave unhealthy relationships despite repeated promises to self or others
• Returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to self or others
• Mistaking sexual experiences and romantic intensity for love

Interesting workshop, might I join?

* What is the difference between healthy sexual motivations and unhealthy sexual motivations?

Intent.  Healthy sexual motivations include sexually pleasing yourself, sexually pleasing someone else, or both.  Unhealthy sexual motivations, seems to me, revolve around compensation for something.

If someone's into inflicting pain and someone else is into receiving it, more power to them, no worries, positive intent.
If both partners are into blissed-out, self-centered, trance-like emotionally disconnected sex, no worries, positive intent.
If both partners are using sex as a component of emotional intimacy, same same.

If one partner is using sex to exert power and control over another, not because the other is into it but because they're compensating for feeling powerless, negative intent.
If one or both partners are using the intensity of sex as a way to avoid intimacy, and if it ain't workin' screw harder, not necessarily negative intent, just a settling for less than the relationship could be, due to a lack of courage to go to the next emotional level, and maybe feelings of being trapped there.

*What are some common dysfunctions that drive sexual relationships into unhealthy areas?

Well, the two stated above, plus I just thought of another: someone who hasn't explored their sexuality much might couple with someone who brings out sides of them they didn't know where there, and the partner may not be willing or able to help them explore, they just do what they do, so the sexual awakening becomes like an addiction they're facing alone, uncharted territory with no map and no guide, thrilling, titillating, exciting, not necessarily dysfunctional, unless it occupies all thought, becomes obsessive, and is disruptive to someone's life.  And the partner is key, if they join and help, if they create an exploring party, no map, no worries, follow the sun, great, but if someone ends up going it alone, "lost" can happen.

*What are tell tale signs of our own unhealthy sexual motivations?

A loss of control, fun in bed, but unhealthy when it spills into other areas and becomes uncontainable.  And then as mentioned, compensation and intent, uncovered with asking why?  Why do I want to have sex with this person now?  What is it giving me?  Am I using sex to avoid anything?  Am I focusing on giving or taking?  Am I making either one wrong?

A person with a well-differentiated “self” recognizes his realistic dependence on others, but he can stay calm and clear headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality. Thoughtfully acquired principles help guide decision-making about important family and social issues, making him less at the mercy of the feelings of the moment. What he decides and what he says matches what he does. He can act selflessly, but his acting in the best interests of the group is a thoughtful choice, not a response to relationship pressures. Confident in his thinking, he can either support another’s view without being a disciple or reject another view without polarizing the differences. He defines himself without being pushy and deals with pressure to yield without being wishy-washy.

I do pretty well at that in general, but god I suck at it in romantic relationships.  The wheels fall off.  There's been discussion of the confusion of intensity for intimacy, which I didn't do, but I definitely "used" intensity as a way to avoid intimacy, which only sorta worked for a short time.  So intimacy.  The additional mistake of labeling external validation and acceptance as intimacy, or is that a component of intimacy, there's just more?  How do you bond with someone emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually, yet remain differentiated?  I'm getting a better idea, mostly by failing at it miserably many times.  

So key number One?  Pick better partners.  So when we go down into the emotional muck together, where mutual vulnerability, risk, courage, fear, resentment, forgiveness, acceptance, vulnerability, yadda, all show up, do we have the ability to put the wheels back on that cart, be our own pit crew, or when they fall off they stay off and we go barreling over the cliff of dysfunction?

Lately it's been about sex scarcity vs. sex abundance.  If we're coming from a place of scarcity, which I spent my youth doing, borne out of insecurity and low self esteem, we're going to take what we can get and make the best of it, and while we're at it, might as well confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy and look to get all of our validation needs met there, this chance coupling we've fallen into, so when that falls apart we feel like absolute death.  I think I'm done with that, too wearying and hurts too much.  

So today, show me sweetheart, show me why hanging out with you would be a great idea and add to my life, because when we get in the thick of it I'll likely default to an other-focus and depend on you to validate me, even though I'm doing so much better at validating myself.  So  show me why you're worthy of that role, and if you're not, that's OK too, maybe we can have some of that blissed-out, emotionally disconnected sex just for the heck of it, we'll both feel good I promise, on the way to us both finding the real deal.